Bellamy silently laid a pile of dry wood where Lexa crouched, hands expertly moving to create a flame. One moment, there were nothing but sparks. And the next, the logs were engulfed in a healthy fire. She shuffled back, eyes lit pale in the orange glow.
Clarke wedged herself further amongst the blanket to find more heat whilst also creating space for the commander. Her eyes were weighted, and with every blink it grew harder to stay awake. It was at the darkest time of night, so when Octavia had suggested they stopped to rest, nobody refused. Even Lexa looked drained of energy.
So when her brunette lover stayed where she was instead of joining her, she furrowed her brows in confusion.
"I'll keep watch for an hour or two. I don't want to be unguarded when we're so close to opposing territory." Lexa explained.
Clarke softened at her words, the tense feeling in her stomach which told her she had done something wrong vanished.
"Wake me up soon though. I don't want you to stay awake all night, okay?"
"Okay" Lexa nodded, settling down beside Clarke.
"I mean it Lexa." She warned.
"I know you do"
With Lexa's promising words, Clarke tugged her blanket further over her shoulders, tucking it under her chin. But yet she still wasn't comfortable, and she let out a small grunt in response to the hard ground digging into the side of her cheek. Then she felt Lexa's soft grip on her, carefully pulling her to rest her head in her lap.
The familiar and distinct scent of Lexa lingered in the close quarters of the two women, and Clarke shrunk into the safety Lexa provided. With the feeling of long fingers gently running through her hair, she allowed her eyes to fall shut.
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She drifted in and out of sleep, shuffling and turning in Lexa's lap as she did so. Just as she was about to fall asleep again, Lexa's quiet murmur pulled from the purgatory between being awake and being asleep.
"I apologise Niylah."
There was a shuffling of leaves not far away, indicating that Niylah was in fact listening.
"What for, Heda?"
She felt the soft pad of Lexa's thumb tracing her cheek, and heard a sigh escape her lips "It is wrong for me to act so unkindly toward you. You protected Clarke when I was gone. I am thankful for that." There was a pause "I should not allow jealousy to cloud my thoughts of what you have done for her to keep her safe"
"Heda I understand why you are j-"
"Niylah." Lexa silenced her "I apologise for my treatment of you. That is it. We do not need to discuss this any further"
"But we-"
"I am aware of your actions with Clarke. I understand why you did it, and why she did it too." She felt Lexa's eyes on her "She was grieving. Sometimes that drives you into things you never expect."
Like believing that love is weakness Clarke thought or forcing yourself into an emotionless mask.
"I know it does" Niylah responded quietly.
Clarke took that opportunity to open her eyes, and shift in Lexa's lap. Sunlight cascaded down on her tired eyes, causing her to squint. Lexa however quickly blocked the right rays with her head as she looked down on the blonde.
"Hey" Clarke whispered.
"Good morning, Clarke." Lexa said with a sheepish tone.
"You didn't wake me." Clarke scolded as she sat up, glaring at the brunette
"I didn't feel the need to" Lexa shrugged
"Lexa were you awake all night?"
"No"
"You were weren't you?"
"No"
"Don't lie to me" Clarke waved her pointed finger in Lexa's face
"I wasn't"
"Are you sure?" Clarke raised an eyebrow. Lexa watched her for a moment.
"I took over from her a few hours ago" Niylah raised her voice "she woke up not long before you did"
Clarke looked between the two women. She knew Niylah was lying for Lexa, but she was happy that they were finally getting along and not at each other's throats. She smiled and nodded, playing along with Niylah's lie.
"Oh" Clarke said and looked at Lexa "why didn't you just say that"
She shuffled out from below the blankets, stretching. She felt the slightest crack in her back as her back loosened itself, and she let out a quiet groan of relief.
"Sleeping on the floor isn't one of my strongpoints" Clarke muttered through a sigh. Lexa watched her with a small smile playing on her lips.
"Your body is stiff with old age, Clarke."
"Lexa I'm sure you're older than me."
"Actually, Lexa has missed out on quite a few years. How old were you before you... you know, died?" Octavia brought up, rolling on her side to watch them.
Lexa looked down, brows scrunched together in thought. It took a couple of seconds before she shrugged "I do not know."
"How don't you know?" Octavia sat up "have you never celebrated a birthday."
"No" Lexa scratched her chin "Anya forbid such celebrations. She said they were distractions from our duties. Perhaps Luna would be able to tell you."
"Wow... Anya seemed to be a bitch" Octavia spoke freely, without a filter.
"She made me who I am. I am grateful for that." Lexa said as she stood "There's a lake not far from here, just through the trees. I'm going to go get some water and wash up."
"I'll come with you" Clarke said quickly, scrambling after Lexa and hopping over roots of trees that poked too far out of the ground. The brunette only glanced over her shoulder in response "Lexa"
The broody brunette only trudged on into the lake, thick leather boots protecting her from the water. Clarke quickly followed, ignoring the cold liquid seeping into her shoes.
"Hey" she said softly, crouching down in front of her. Lexa cupped the water in her hands, bringing it to her lips to take a sip. Clarke gently grabbed her wrists, pulling them away from Lexa's face "look at me."
Lexa sighed and tried to pull her hand away from Clarke, but the other girl only tightened her grip. They both knew that Lexa's flaw was her eyes. Clarke could read them easier than a book, which was most likely why Lexa was avoiding looking at her all together.
"Lexa, please" Clarke whispered.
The softness in her tone finally drew those green orbs out of hiding. She immediately moved closer, the water now lapping at her knees and splashing against her shirt. But her attention was solely concentrated on the hurt she saw in front of her.
"Lexa I..."
"Clarke. I don't need your pity. I don't." Lexa said, voice strong. Unwavering. A strong contrast to what she was really feeling.
"I know you don't need it." Clarke said. She reached out to brush her hand against Lexa's cheek "but there's nothing wrong with a little bit of support, Lexa."
The way Lexa leant into her hand; the way she opened up so quickly before Clarke. It was beautiful.
"You're scared. Confused. Aren't you?" Clarke said gently, thumb tracing over her delicate cheekbones. The brunette didn't have to speak to confirm it. The look in her eyes spoke for her. Every time. "And that's okay"
"It's not. We're in a war, Clarke. I must act like it."
"What are you so scared of, Lexa?"
There was a pause. A long, painful gap of silence until she spoke "I don't want to lose you again." Lexa whispered quietly.
Clarke' heart throbbed, kicking at her ribs at Lexa's words "you won't"
"But what if-"
Clarke lurched forward, hand gripping the back of Lexa's neck as she brought her lips to hers. Every time Clarke kissed her, it was like she was kissing her for the first time. Her heart still raced at an unstoppable speed, her fingertips still itched to touch her.
The water crashed against her as Lexa shifted closer, tilting her head to deepen their kiss. It didn't ratter that they were at the bank of a river, or that they were out in the open. All that matter was the way Lexa's lips felt against hers.
Clarke pulled away from the kiss to breathe, and saw the lone tear that rolled down Lexa's cheek. The commander's eyes were brimmed with tears, watery green staring back at her with wide eyes.
"Promise me" Lexa whispered "Promise me that after this war is over, there's no more fighting. We find peace. Not just for our people but for us."
Clarke wanted nothing more but to hold the girl and never let go. Hug her, kiss her and comfort her until there was nothing left in the world that could hurt her. She wiped the tear from her Lexa's cheek.
"I promise, Lex" she said, voice breaking as Lexa spoke freely. Lexa perked up at the new and foreign nickname, whilst Clarke immediately settled on liking it. With the small smile Lexa presented, she had a feeling she was okay with the name too.
She promised Lexa everything, not only peace. She was promising to spend the rest of her life with Lexa. To wake up next to her and be beside her every day. Share each and every passing moment they had with each other. Perhaps even have a family, when everything was over and they were safe.There wasn't a thing Clarke wouldn't do to keep that beautiful small smile on Lexa's lips.
She wasn't sure how long forever really was, or how long it would last. But Clarke didn't care. She wanted to spend the rest of forever with the woman who's green gaze spoke a thousand words, and who's actions showed her heart- not her head. The woman who died for her, and the woman who came back for her.
"I love you, Lexa"
Resting her forehead against Clarke's, the brunette replied "I always will love you, Clarke"
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They had arrived to camp long ago, and Clarke was baffled when Lexa was nowhere to be seen. Even the training grounds were completely devoid of a certain broody commander. Of course, the blonde's worry had only increased after Abby's latest discoveries with Lexa's health, and it terrified her to think that Lexa could be in danger at any point with her rapidly changing blood.
She continued on her adventures, falling into a faster stride as her thoughts got the better of her. What if something happened to her again? What if they were too late to help her? Nobody had mentioned Lexa's predicament with her blood since it was first revealed, and they most certainly hadn't discussed what they planned to do about it. There was no way Lexa would voluntarily take blood from the mount weather blood storage facilities. Especially when the blood had once belonged to her own people.
Clarke couldn't blame her, though. If she were stood in Lexa's shoes, there would be no chance in hell she would take the blood. But this was Lexa. She had already lost her once, and losing her again... permanently this time, would destroy her. The fact that Lexa was at risk was already tearing her apart.
She paused in the doorway of the infirmary, finding the familiar girl perched on the edge on an examination table, legs swinging as she gripped the edges and stared at her feet. Her shirt had been removed, folded neatly on the table beside her, exposing her body. Clarke's heart still ached at the sight of the scar at the centre of her stomach.
"What's going on?" Clarke asked hesitantly as she grew closer to her mother who stood behind her lover. Lexa avoided the blonde's gaze, glancing over her shoulder to Abby. Clarke didn't need to see her eyes to know that she was looking for help from the older woman.
"Clarke maybe you should come back later? I'm just checking Lexa over, then I'll let her go." Abby said, drawing on a sweet but face smile. Clarke tilted her head suspiciously.
"What's going on?" She repeated. When her mother's only response was a sigh, the worry in her only increased, and she quickly approached her. However, when she rounded the table to speak with her mother, her eyes suddenly found what she was examining; she discovered why Lexa was really there. She drew in a shaky breath, and took a step back to take in the drastic changes of Lexa's skin.
The once small and pixilated marks surrounding the tattooed scar on Lexa's neck had spread. The digital vine-like patterns appeared to have crawled down the skin of Lexa's back, overlapping the graceful tattoo which lay above her spine. The bluish discolour of them stood out as an unwelcome contrast to the brunette's tan skin.
"Oh my god..." she whispered. She reached out, fingertips carefully tracing the tattoo which was quickly disappearing amongst the marks of Lexa's illness. The still strong muscle leapt below her fingers at the contact, as Lexa almost jerked away the blonde, who quickly retracted her hand "does it hurt?"
The silence that followed answered her question for her. She turned to Abby "She's hurting. Isn't she?"
"She says it doesn't. However I think it does. Such engravings like that can't just be engraved without it hurting." Abby explained, watching as Lexa shuffled on the table.
Lexa was hurting. No matter how much the closed-off girl denied it, it was evidently true. She was suffering with something that was out of the blonde's control. She refused to take the blood- refused to help herself. But Clarke was determined to help her.
"May I put my shirt back on, Dr Griffin?" Lexa still stayed staring ahead, as if afraid of eye contact with either of the Griffin women.
"Yes, you can put it back on now Lexa. We're just about done here." Abby said, voice tight.
Lexa just nodded, gently sliding the fabric over her back to hide the imperfections of her skin. Bile rose in Clarke's throat as she watched the girl she loved attempt to conceal the pain she was feeling. She ground her teeth together until her jaw felt numb, and clenched her fists, nails digging into her palm until they drew blood.
"Mom, we need to talk." She said quietly "You can go now, Lexa. I'll talk to you tonight, okay?"
Yet again, Lexa only nodded, and left without a word. Her actions, although understandable, enraged her. She spun on her heels to look directly at Abby, who stared back at her with a look that Clarke could only describe as pity "Clarke... you know there's nothing we can do about this. Right? This thing..." Abby sighed and shook her head "The thing that brought her back? It's killing her. She won't take the blood. Whenever I mention it to her, she ignores my suggestions. It's the only way. Today was her third seizure. I'm not sure how many times I can help her through them."
Clarke ran her fingers through her hair, pushing it from her face. She had a plan. A horrible plan. "I know. Mom... I have an idea. It's... it's the only solution I have to this. Lexa refuses to help herself, and there's no way I'm losing her again. She won't like it, she might even hate me for it, but it's our only way."
Abby shifted to rest her weight on one foot as she looked down on her daughter, who was clearly planning something "What are you thinking, Clarke?"
"I'm thinking that we're going to have to stop Lexa from killing herself." She sat on the table where Lexa once sat, the spot still warm from Lexa's presence. No. She was never in a hundred years going to allow Lexa to waste away. She wasn't going to lose her again "We need to talk to Luna."
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Hey I'm so sorry that it takes me so long to update! I'm having a really hard time writing at the moment. Don't worry though cause like, really, I've come to far with this series to give up on it now.
As you guys (should) know, I have an extreme passion for music... as well as writing. I often like to take things from songs, like a certain feeling, and incorporate it into my writing. The first book, 'I couldn't stop caring' would have never existed if it weren't for the song, which was actually used in the show.
That leads me to wonder, what song does this book remind you of?
Comment and vote and let me know what think and all that. Don't be shy, I don't bite. I'm more than willing to talk with anyone.
Let me know what you think
Once again I'm sorry for such late updates. Forgive me?