"Maybe it was stupid of me to say anything now right before your show." I scolded myself as Paul closed the dressing room door behind us to have some privacy.
"It's nothing like that." He nodded knowing the kinds of secrets I'd come to know of his.
"I'm worried you'll be upset." I fidgeted with my hands nervously feeling my heart pounding furiously against my ribcage.
"I promise you, whatever it may be, I won't." He lifted my chin up to meet his eyes with an assuring grin.
"I-I," I stuttered, my throat tightening in fear as I wiped my clammy palms on my pants.
"I was engaged." I finally managed to speak, feeling a significant weight lift from my chest although my nerves remained shot waiting for Paul's reaction.
Paul's face remained blank, trying to process what I had just told him, much like Pattie had the night before.
"You were, engaged." He repeated back to me slowly, his eyebrows furrowing in thought.
I nodded frightened by his lack of any emotion, knowing he was holding back what he wanted to say.
"W-um-What happened?" He cleared his throat with a puzzled expression. I could tell he was fighting hard to remain calm and give me a chance to explain the situation.
"I-" The room begun to spin as I was weary to tell him I'd ran out of the wedding impulsively.
The door suddenly cracked open to reveal John's face peaking out from the side of it.
"There you two are," he breathed a sigh of relief opening the door wider, "Brian wants us out there now." He looked stern, Paul giving an understanding nod.
"I'll be a second." Paul nodded to John as he closed the door again.
"You're telling me the whole story after we're done the soundcheck." Paul spoke firmly, seemingly frustrated before turning and leaving out the door.
I was left on my own in the dressing room, looking over to myself in one of the boys' vanity's. I stared at the miserable look on my face, realizing it was the same one I'd had the day of the wedding.
I walked barefoot along the beach with a cigarette hung lazily from my lips after finally having gotten a safe distance from the church, the salty taste of tears invading my tastebuds. At that point I had no longer tears to shed, knowing it was better that I hadn't married such a miserable sod of a man. I don't really know how I'd been so stupid as to agree to marry him in the first place. Now the disaster is left in my trail was beyond humiliating and irreversible.
I suddenly noticed a girl around the same age as myself, with bleached blonde hair and piercing blue eyes staring at me wide eyed. She sat down on a beach towel in her pink sundress looking up from her book, obviously seeming to realize I was in a wedding dress.
"Are you alright?" She asked concerned, scanning over the puffiness the tears had left underneath my eyes.
"Fine thanks." I laughed through a sob taking the cigarette from my mouth and placing it between my fingers, wiping a stray tear away from underneath my eye.
"You don't look fine." She tilted her head knowing better than what I said.
"He never loved me." I shook my head on the brink of breaking down with a bitter taste in my mouth merely thinking about him.
"The man you were going to marry?" The girl asked putting her book aside, leaning in closer interested in the subject.
I nodded with a small scoff.
"Y'know, at first I thought it was that maybe he was just a square, but he was never the slightest bit interested in marrying me. Maybe I was the just the only shag he could get." I bit down on my lip shaking my head spitefully before taking a puff of my cigarette.
The girl cleared her throat uncomfortably.
"Well," She trailed off looking for a name.
"Charlotte." I nodded looking to the ground with downcast sigh.
"I'm Audrey." She smiled briefly with a nod as my eyes met hers again.
"As I was saying, Charlie, you're better off without him. Some people just aren't meant to be, he sounds like a git anyway to lose a catch like you. Trust me, you'll know when you've found the one." She smiled brightly up at me, unaware of how naive she sounded with such fairytale-like ideas. I used to think of that way myself before I had gotten caught up in a relationship with William.
I could never again believe that there was "the one" after today, the only stable relationship I've ever had just completely shattered before me.
And yet, I think I had found "the one" and once again in Audrey's infinite wisdom she had some how told me so once again without even knowing it.
The only trouble is that I might've ruined it with bringing up the secrets from my past I had tried so hard to burry. Now all of the pain and resent was resurfacing and memories couldn't stop from flooding back into my mind. I felt helpless to them, like no matter what I did, I would always be the runaway bride.
I shook my head to rid myself of the icky feeling I was getting and headed back out backstage to Pattie who was looking out to the stage curiously.
"Why does Paul seem upset?" She turned to me in puzzlement.
I looked out seeing Paul with a vexed expression, completely bored and seeming to not want to be out there at all as he tuned up his bass with a glum expression.
I felt guilt begin to consume me, how stupid I'd been to think it was something he wouldn't be upset about even though he said he wouldn't. I mean, breaking a vow to marry someone the day of the ceremony wasn't to be taken lightly, and for a long time I was carrying that burden before I'd finally been able to move past it.
"Can we skip the part where you tell me it's nothing please?" Pattie pointed out seeing the obvious expression in my face that something was wrong.
"Well, I was engaged to be married and ran off on my wedding day, and I may have, begun to tell Paul before he was dragged out onto stage." I shook my head afraid of what Pattie would say, only just getting to be on her good side.
"Why am I having déjà vu?" She looked dazed as she stared at me quizzically.
I sighed, grabbing her hand and leading her further backstage to where nobody was around so our conversation wasn't out in the open for anyone to hear.
"Because, I may have, told you yesterday when you were out of it." I cleared my throat watching as she stared at me with the same expression I got whenever I told someone about my sob story.
"Please don't do that thing and assume what I was thinking like everyone always does. My fiancé was nowhere near being the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. In fact, as I was told by everyone, after I hadn't showed up to the ceremony he seemed happy. He's even married to someone else now and it hasn't even been more than a couple years." I scoffed thrusting my tongue into my cheek with irritation.
"I understand." She nodded after a moment of thought.
I stared at her hesitantly, unsure if she really meant it.
"If I was in your position I would've done the same. No one wants to be in a relationship where they don't feel loved." She nodded reassuringly making me instantly at ease, elated she understood.
I brought her into a hug which she return with a small laugh.
"You have no idea how relieved that makes me to hear you say that." I laughed out happily.
Pattie soon broke away from my hug, looking behind me at something nervously.
I turned around to see Paul with an absolute look of shock having been listening in to our conversation.
He swiftly turned on his heel and began to walk the other way until I caught up to him to talk.
"Wait, please," I grabbed his hand, making him finally look back to me, a violent hurricane of emotion behind his now clouded brown eyes. I gulped, nervous he would snap and say something he would regret.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He seemed upset, making me scoff.
"I could ask you the same thing, about Jane, about Maggie," I began shaking my head becoming defensive.
"I didn't make a lifelong promise to them." Hurt began to show through as his voice trembled slightly in frustration.
"I'm sorry." My expressions softened distraught by the amount of sadness I hadn't quite expected from him.
He stared at the wall behind me, unable to look me in the eyes.
"Paul." I took both of his hands in mine, forcing him to look at me.
"You're the first lad I've really wanted to be with, I didn't want to risk telling you everything and scaring you off." I nearly pleaded desperate for his forgiveness.
"I would've understood." He argued disheartened.
"Paul, I love you." The words slipped from my mouth, making me want to pick them right back up and shove them back down my throat.
I let go of his hands wide eyed feeling like I might have a heart attack if he didn't feel the same way.
The corners of his lips turned upwards.
"I love you too."