As I get closer to her, she looks up. Her eyes light with recognition and she moves over on the bench to make room for me.
That's a start.
"Hi," I say and sit down. We haven't spoken in months. We haven't had a civil conversation in years.
"Who is that boy you were with?" She asks, voice scratchy like she just smoked a cigarette or five. So she had seen me? I wasn't expecting that to be her first question though.
"Oh that's Nolan Patrick. You don't remember him?" When we were young, we would ride our bikes around the neighborhood block until dark.
She shakes her head. Her hands are shaking in the same way they always did when she was drunk.
"Well I just thought I'd say hi," I say quietly. "How have you been the past few months?"
She starts digging through her purse while I speak, finally pulling out a stray cigarette and lighting up. "I am fine. Have more money now that I don't have to feed an extra mouth."
Of course she had to say that. It's been two years since I've moved out and she still blames me for being her daughter, for being dependent on her. I sigh. "Well that's good," I say as nicely as I can.
"And is your job working out?"
I'm surprised she even asked. I can't get into it with her about me hating my current job, so I tell her it's good and everything is going well.
"See, there was never a need to be a fancy lawyer. You should've listened to me and it would've saved you all that stress."
At risk of this escalating and just hurting my heart even more, I stage an exit. It's getting late anyway and I have work the next morning.
As I walk away with just a bitter goodbye from her, I walk around in circles until I decide to text Nolan.
Where are you?
He answers immediately, saying what store he's been waiting inside. Luckily for me, it's right in front of me.
I go inside and spot him coming my way. "How'd it go?" He asks before he's even caught up to me. He looks genuinely curious and a little bit worried even.
I take a breath and then walk forward into his body. I wrap my arms around his torso and gently press my forehead to his chest. He doesn't hesitate to hug me back around my shoulders. "Was bad?" He whispers.
I sigh and shake my head. "No it was actually better than usual. It's just weird because she's my mom but she doesn't even feel like my mom anymore," I whisper back.
I can feel him nod. He's a guy of few words, but it's exactly what I need right now. "Wanna get out of here?"
I pull away and drop my arms, nodding gratefully at his suggestion.
The car ride is silent. I stare out the window and my thoughts on my mother overtake my consciousness. I'm an adult, I live on my own, I'm financially independent. But it's still sad that I don't have my mother in my life.
Soft tears start sliding out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I keep my gaze focused on the window.
Suddenly, the car stops and I see that we've pulled into the Patrick family house. I hadn't realized we were so close. I wipe my face hurriedly, trying to hide the fact that I'm crying.
I can feel Nolan lean over. It's like he could tell I was crying but needed to make sure. "Teegs," he says quietly. He reaches over with both hands now and hugs me as tight as possible with the console in between us.
"C'mon let's go inside," he mumbles and quickly gets out of the car and comes around to the passenger side. I sniffle as he opens my door and pulls on my hands to get me out.
With one arm around my back and a hand holding tightly onto mine, he leads the way in through the garage. I can't believe I'm crying this much. Over the woman who would rather have a drink than have her daughter.
Tears cloud my vision so much that I didn't even see Aimee in the kitchen, I just hear her voice. "What happened? Is she okay?"
We don't stop walking. "She'll be fine, Aims," Nolan says and takes me to the stairs. Vision clear or not, I know the way because it's apparent that we're going to his bedroom.
"I'm s-s-s-sorry, I -"
Nolan interrupts my sobs, saying that it's okay, don't apologize, and assuring me I can keep crying no problem. Inside his room, he sits me down on his bed and I sit shaking from sobs while he closes the door and hands me a towel. I use it to wipe my face, but it's useless because I haven't yet stopped crying.
"She doesn't even care," I cry. "She doesn't want me in her life, it's like I should've never existed. I - I."
Again he cuts me off, arm tightening around my shoulders. "Teegs," he whispers softly almost helplessly. "You know it's not you. She has her own issues right now and that's what's making her be like this."
He's right. It's the alcohol. But still, when your own mother treats you like a door salesman it hurts. I can't stop crying though because the emotional roller coaster I went through today finally caught up to me.
First I was so at peace waking up with Nolan and having a nice breakfast with him. Then Tyler showed up like a gray cloud over my sunny day. And my mother's indifference again hurt me.
It's crazy how things can flip so fast.
We move against the headboard of the bed, well Nolan moves against the headboard. I'm like a piece of soggy cardboard so Nolan has to grab me under my arms and slide me up with him so I'm between his legs, back against his chest.
His arms slide around my ribs and he holds me tight. As I sob, his grip gets tighter, as if he's trying to hold my body from physically breaking into pieces.
I can feel his soft breaths on the top of my head and behind my ears. At one point, he kisses my temple. All this combined and I start to settle down, enough that my body doesn't shake with cries.
I'm nearly exhausted after the crying, so I let my head fall back against Nolan's shoulder. "Maybe I should call her again in a few days?"
"Maybe she needs more time to get herself together though," Nolan tells me. "If you're just gonna get hurt every time you talk to her then..."
He trails off and I shrug. He's right, and I should listen to him. "Sorry I'm such a baby. Probably not how you wanna spend your off day," I say, wiping my face. I can feel him shake his head. "Hey, you think I don't wanna be with you just cuz you're sad?"
I shrug and glance back at him. "You must not think that highly of me then."
He's joking because we both know I practically admire him. "Oh shut up."
He laughs. "Do you feel better at least?"
I nod. "Yeah I do. Thank you, I don't know what I would've done if I went alone," I say honestly. I place a short and sweet kiss on his cheek and his face gets red with blush. "It's no problem," he says softly, looking down at me and smiling.
A sigh escapes my slightly parted lips. Increasingly in the past few days, I wanna kiss him. It's a little weird thinking that about my friend, but I don't even know if I should do anything about it. I think I may just keep my little crush a secret and do nothing to make it go away. I like crushing on Nolan. And spending so much time with him makes it even better.
He looks away, loosens his arms around me and I get the hint- or at least what I think is a hint. I slide over one of his legs so I'm sitting next to him, in my own space now.
"So I kinda told the guys I would go online with them..." Nolan says, a questioning tone in his voice. As if I'm gonna tell him he can't play video games with his friends. I laugh and fold my legs up like a pretzel. "I'll just watch," I tell him, to which he smiles and scurries off the bed to turn on his xbox.
He settles in by sitting at the end of his mattress. If I stretch my feet I can kick his back.
I mostly mess around on my phone or try to follow the video game on screen. I don't even know what game it is. Nolan looks really cute, a headset on that he keeps talking into- probably to Tanner or Rhett or Kale or all three. His fingers move as well with a controller than they do with a hockey stick. And his eyes practically glaze over from staring so hard in concentration.
I probably shouldn't keep worrying about if my mom accepts me or wants anything to do with me. But maybe it's because I'm older now and am independent, I don't know.
But even if things don't work out with her, I at least have a friend like Nolan who is constant.