You really expect everything to be different once someone you love dies.
Because naturally it feels like the entire world deserves to be aware and morn for them.
Just as you do.
But they don't... no one ever knows unless they are told. And even when they are told, nothing changes.
The only thing that changes is you. And the fact that the person you loved is now gone.
The fact that my brother is gone.
I was always different after the accident. I lost my mom and my sister. And in a way I lost my dad too.
Ryder always understood my pain though. I knew that I was never alone, because I had him.
I don't have him anymore.
I'm sure you'd assume that the police somehow came to the house, arrested my dad and sent him away. Or maybe you are even fighting for the possibility that Ryder was still alive when they came and sent him to the hospital and rescued him.
.... they never came.
The police never came. Ryder fell to the floor with blood dripping from his body... from his head. I hurried too him and hoped to god that there was a chance.
Even though I knew there wasn't.
I cradled his lifeless body in my arms, holding onto him as tight as a I could as if somehow hoping he'd wake up.
And dad walked out. He walked away.
It was early in the morning when the boys had decided to come. They still hadn't known because when they walked into the house and saw me... saw us. They were screaming and yelling.
Parker was rushing over and pulling at me, searching me for any open wounds.
I could see their mouths moving but, I couldn't hear anything....
Why hadn't they known?
Could they not sense it in the air?
Did they not feel it as I did. Did they not feel their hearts suddenly drop as the bullet entered and exited his head?
Because I did. I felt everything.
I didn't know how troublesome this town would be. I didn't know how much pain it would cause me.
I wish we would have never come here. I wish I didn't ever go to that stupid high school. I wish I never met Parker and the boys. I wish I never met Angie.
I wonder how many things I can wish away until Ryder comes back.
I'd wish away everything just to get him back.
But I can't...
I'm not sure how, but tommy and the two other guys got Ryder's body out of the house and cleaned up the blood while Parker was cleaning me up.
I was mad, livid.
'How could they take my brother?' I thought and mumbled to myself the second Parker told me.
He ushered me not to worry. They said they were going to store his body at the morgue until the family tomb was built.
A tomb for all of my relatives and blood.
A tomb for my family.
That seemed crazy, but Ryder deserved even more that just that.
Sadly that's all we could give him.
"Athie? Are you okay in there?" I heard the muffled voice of Parker coming from outside the door of the bathroom.
I blinked my eyes looking up from the floor and looked at my surroundings
Have I been in the shower this whole time?
I must have zoned out... hmm
"Athie?" I hear again.
I want to speak, but nothing comes out when I open my mouth. Just quiet. Everything is just quiet.
I don't speak. I don't reply back.
I just stand still, letting the steaming water hit against my back.
I don't even bother washing my hair or body.
I feel like I can't move. But I don't really want too.
I want my brother. I want him back. So much...
I don't hear Parker say anything else, but I could tell that he is waiting close by the door.
So I turn the shower off, pulling the curtains to the side and watching as all of the steam in the room swirls in the air.
Pulling the towel from the rack I step out and wrap it around me. The mirrors are all fogged up. I remember every time I would get out of the shower, I would wipe the fog clear with a circular motion of my hand and look myself in the mirror checking my face, just as Sandra Bullock did in The Proposal.
Ryder always made fun of me about that and laughed. Called me a nerd and we would both laugh. I've always loved that movie. It always made me feel warm at the end.
But even with all of this steam and the hot water, I don't feel warm.
But I don't feel cold either.
I don't feel anything.
I walk up to the mirror and wipe it in a circular motion with my hand.
I have red and swollen eyes and puffy lips.
I haven't even noticed that it was hard to breath through my nose...
I couldn't even think before my hands lifted and bashed against the mirror multiple times until it all shattered and fell to the floor around me.
"Athie!" I heard from outside the bathroom, then within a second the door was kicked open.
The glass was all around me and my hands were bleeding. Blood dripping down my arm and onto the floor.
I can't feel it. I can see it, the glass shards sticking to my hand and the cuts. I can see all the blood spilling down, but I can't feel it.
"Jesus Christ Athie what the fuck are you doing?" Parker hurried over to me and picked me up, carrying me outside of the bathroom as the towel stuck to my body.
I could only feel his touch against my skin. Not the warmth. Parker was always warm... so warm..
But now it's just pressure on my skin from where he's holding me.
Normally, I'd hate that. I know that I couldn't like this. But I'm not sure what I do or don't like at the moment...
"Okay, sit here, I'm going to go get some medicine and napkins alright. Don't move." Parker said, leaving the room, and leaving me.
But he was back within a few seconds, which actually surprised me. Even for my current state of mind.
"Alright, lets get you fixed yeah?"
Why was he acting like this? Like I'm a 10 year old kid who just scraped her knee on the floor.
"This is going to sting." He said, getting a brown bottle of some Sort of liquid and looting it against my hands.
But once again, I didn't feel anything.
I could only see the white bubbles starting to appear where the cuts were.
"Or not.." Parker mumbled to himself.
As he cleaned it more and more blood kept coming out. They looked pretty deep, and wouldn't stop bleeding.
"Alright, you need stitches, I'm going to go to the store and get stuff. Are you going to be alright for a few minutes?" He asked. Looking down at me. I didn't look up at him. Just kept my gaze on the floor.
He didn't seem to care as he kneeled down and grabbed my shoulders, making me look at him.
"Athena. Please talk to me."
Parker seemed sad. I could see the tears
in his eyes. The way his lips were shaped and how his forehead was wrinkled.
How he pressed his hands against me.
Nothing. I feel nothing.
Parker just sighed...
"I'll be back soon."
He leaned over and kissed my forehead, then left.
But now I wanna leave.
I got up and made sure my towel was wrapped securely around me, making my way into the kitchen.
Everyone always has a medicine cabinet. Ryder always had tons because of the fights he'd get into.
He won't be needing these anymore.
I opened up the cabinet and looked around, prescriptions and over the counter medication bottles were piled up.
I guess it doesn't really matter which ones I use...
I grabbed a handful of bottles and placed them down onto the counter. Opening each one. There were four different bottles.
Plenty
The bottles spilled open and pills of all kinds and colors mixed together.
I grabbed onto a handful of those and filled up a glass of water.
Memories of Ryder and I started flooding back into my mind. Us at the park or beach. Playing around and having fun. Memories of Abby cake too.
I stood there in the kitchen and watched as the memories off all of us danced around the floor.
It's like they were really there, hallucinations or mirages, but there.
A laugh escaped my throat as a memory of Ryder chasing Abby and I around appeared, tears started to fall from my face as I watched the three of us laugh and play around.
Mom then came and scooped the three of us up in her arms.
God I miss the warmth of being in her arms. Being held by her and engulfed in her honey vanilla scent.
"I'm coming..." I whisper, popping the pills in my mouth one by one, swallowing and drinking the water.
I slid down against the wall of the island and planted myself firmly against the floor. Smiling at the happy version of me playing with Abby and Ryder.
The visions got clearer, then started to fade... then darkness.
~~~~~~~~~
Parker's pov:
"Athie, I'm back!"
No answer. Not exactly surprised of course, she's said about one word since we found her. But I can't blame her, she was once perfectly innocent. And now she's broken.
She watched him die, she watched her brother die, and held him in her arms afterwards.
And he's dead because of me...
I chose Damon over Ryder. And when she finds out, she'll never forgive me. She'll hate me for the rest of her life...
Damon didn't even know I had chosen him. The police had found where he had been hiding before I got the chance to talk to him.
They had a bunch of evidence on him for multiple illegal shipments, took him to jail.
I guess he's safer there now. Sad part is, I don't want him to get out...
or do I?
I'm not even sure anymore.
I walk around the corner and see a pair of feet on the floor, barefoot.
"Athena..?"
I walk closer, and there she is, a towel wrapped around her like a strapless dress, laying on the door with her head ducked down and her eyes closed.
I dropped all the bags and ran over to her, seeing the opened medication bottles and pills across the island of the kitchen.
"No no no.." I lifted her head which was wobbling with my touch,
"Hey, wake up, come on."
Her body shook as I tried to wake her up, but it wasn't working.
I stopped and looked at her, motionless
"No... you're not dead... you're not dead."
You're not dead...
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