The tune of Gilbert O'Sullivan's 'alone again, naturally' danced through my head three days later as I sat in the assembly hall, drowning out the incessant chatter from girls surrounding me. I hadn't spoken to Alex since she'd left that night, in fact I hadn't even seen her. I'd barely said a word to anyone since that night. I didn't know what was going to happen, but whatever it was, it was already painful.
"Quiet down now girls," came Mrs. Finchley's strong voice from the front of the hall as she addressed the school. It took a matter of seconds for the chatter to silence, and all eyes fixed upon the headteacher at the front. "Now we've got a few announcements for today's assembly, so I'll begin. Firstly, well done to the year twelve netball team who have made their way into the semi-finals of the tournament. Also, congratulations to Annie Rosendale and Olivia George whose poems have been published in the Young People's British Poetry book. That is a truly great achievement!" A round of applause began around me, though my own hands stayed permanently fixed in my lap. I certainly didn't have anything to clap about.
"Now, our final announcement is a bit of a sad one I'm afraid. Most of you will know Miss Bowen, our English and History teacher here at St Martha's. Unfortunately due to some personal circumstances, Miss Bowen has had to take a permanent leave of absence and will not be returning to school this year." My heart dropped into my stomach. She had really gone. A wave of rising gasps and chatter spread like wildfire, and a few moments later Mrs. Finchley called out to settle them down. "I don't want any of you to worry, Miss Bowen is fine, and I am currently finding a replacement for her role. As soon as I have found someone suitable, you will be told. For those of you in her classes, we have a substitute teacher to take her place for a short while. If any of you have any concerns, my door is always open."
My jaw was clenched so tensely to stop the tears that I was beginning to think my teeth might break. Alex had actually left me, without even saying goodbye.
Megan, who was sat to my right, turned to me and placed a hand on my leg. "Are you alright?" She whispered, her eyes wide and concerned. "I didn't know she was leaving. Did she tell you about this?"
I ignored her, not in the mood to talk. After all, she was partly the reason that Alex wasn't here. She'd questioned and questioned about the two of us, and yes I shouldn't have told her, but she shouldn't have asked. And now Alex was gone, and my life was as good as over because the only person who had ever made me feel anything real had left.
Megan removed her hand from my leg. "Evie? What's happened?"
Again, I ignored her. I gritted my teeth and ignored the rising lump in my throat, wanting nothing more than to lay on the floor and scream into eternity.
Eventually, I could take it no longer. I scrambled up from my chair, causing a cluster of heads to turn my way as I hurried out of the hall. I heard footsteps behind me, but that only quickened my pace. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want a shoulder to cry on.
I ran down the corridor and into an empty classroom, where I put my head into my hands and cried.
"Evie," came Megan's voice from behind me.
I spun around, my vision blurred from stinging tears. "Will you just do me a favour and fucking leave me alone?"
She looked hurt for a moment, but recomposed herself and took another step towards me. "I don't know what's happened, okay? But I know that you're upset—"
"Oh I'm upset? Of course I'm fucking upset! Alex has left because of you! If you hadn't kept asking me what was happening between us, I wouldn't have told you and she wouldn't have gotten scared and ran away. This is your fault, Megan!" I was shouting, and though I felt guilty seeing the hurt look on her face, I couldn't stop. "It's all okay for you, isn't it? Mommy and daddy pay for you to go to a pretty little school where you can wander around passing classes with flying colors, being everyone's best friend! Well I'm not like that. I don't have a million friends; you accounted for fifty percent of mine. But Alex was the one person that I loved, and now she's fucking gone." I sobbed the last sentence, my heart physically aching in my chest.
Megan's face had hardened. "I get that you're upset right now, but this wasn't my fault. You chose to tell me what you told me, that's down to you. My life isn't perfect, but unlike you I don't feel the need to tell everyone about my tragedies. Get a fucking grip, Evie. The world doesn't revolve around you."
I was speechless for a few moments, shocked by Megan's tone. I'd never heard her speak like that to anyone before, especially not me. "You think that I enjoy this? That I like having everything important to me crumble to pieces before my very eyes?"
She sighed. "You're not the only one with problems, Evie. Just remember that. I'm sorry that I dared to offer you my friendship. I guess I'm just too busy trying to be everyone's best friend." Megan spun around and headed for the door, and suddenly I realised what an ass I was being.
"Wait, Megan," I called, and she stopped. "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean what I said."
She turned back around towards me, her eyes fixed on the floor. "It's fine."
With a sigh, I pulled out a chair and collapsed into it, massaging my temple with closed eyes. "I think I've actually ruined things this time. Like, forever."
Megan stayed still and silent for a moment before taking a seat diagonally opposite me. "What happened?" She asked quietly, and I ran her through the events, trying to refrain from sobbing. "God," she breathed. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," I shook my head. "I was wrong. I did choose to tell you, and I don't regret it either, because I trust you. I just wish Alex could have seen it my way."
"She'll come back, she's got to."
I shook my head once more. "No, I don't think so. You heard Mrs. Finchley, she's left for good."
"Even so," Megan pushed. "There's so way she'd just up sticks and leave you forever. You'll see her, it might not be at school, but you'll see her, and things will all be okay. I promise."
I tried to give her a thankful smile, though I wasn't sure how convincing it had been. "Listen, I'm gonna go. I don't have a class until ten so I should probably do some studying." I stood from my chair and Megan did the same, opening her arms out and embracing me tightly. "Thanks," I said quietly in her ear, and I felt her nod into my shoulder.
I made my way to the library, slumping into a seat in the corner by the dusty window that overlooked the field. The sun was shining brightly, the dewy blades of grass glistening beneath it in the early morning. I found myself wondering how the world could keep spinning, how the sun could keep shining so brightly as though all was good. My world appeared to have stopped, whilst everyone else's carried on in a content bubble. How comes everyone else was allowed simplicity?
Taking my books out my bag, I read and re-read pages, trying hard to seal some information into my brain. It was a useless attempt, and I wasted twenty minutes before giving up, packing my things away and heading back out of the library.
I made my way outside towards the playing field, a mixture of warmth from the sun and coldness from the fresh morning air grazing my skin. Without thinking, I made my way over to the back of the field, through the trees and towards the fish pond. I placed my bag down beside me on the bench, pulling my phone from inside it. No missed calls, no texts, nothing.
The signal was poor, but I tried my luck anyway, and clicked onto my contacts. Her name was the first in my list, and I hovered over it uncertainly for a split second before calling.
The phone went straight to voicemail, and my shoulders tensed as I heard her voice down the line. "Hey, It's Alex, I can't answer the phone right now so leave a message."
I waited for the beep before taking a deep breath. "Hey, it's me. It's been three days and I haven't heard from you. I don't know if you want anything to do with me, but I hope you do. I miss you... Just let me know if you're okay, at least, alright?. I love you. Bye." I closed my eyes, ending the call and wondering what on earth to think.
The truth was, there wasn't much more to think. I'd thought it all, every possibility, every emotion, and now I was a blank canvas.
The week that followed was slow, uneventful, lonely. Clarice and Megan tried their hardest to involve me in conversation at the dining hall table, to cheer me up with spontaneous hugs and childish games that they appeared to make up on the spot, but nonetheless, my mood didn't change, and nor did my situation.
On Friday evening, I skipped dinner for the third time that week, my stomach too uneasy for food. Alone in my dormitory, I picked up my phone for the umpteenth time that week; no messages, again. I decided to send another voicemail, and prepared a mental speech in my head. I spent five minutes rehearsing it, making sure it was perfect. It was even possible that she would answer the phone, but I knew better than to get my hopes too high.
Unlike it had done on Monday, the phone rang, but no one answered. As I listened to her voice telling me to leave a message, I took a deep breath, waiting for the beep. As soon as I heard it, my entire speech seemed to seep out of my mind like sand through a fist. "Hey," I began, unsure of how to even begin. There was so much to say, and yet nothing at all. "It's me. You probably already know that... I'm sorry for ringing again, I just want to know that you're okay. You've been gone a whole week now; it's sort of been the longest week of my life. If you want nothing to do with me then I understand, I just have to know. It's hard here without you, really hard. I suppose I took you for granted." I let out a small, quiet chuckle. "You'd probably love hearing me say that. Maybe you're sitting by your answerphone listening to me and laughing to yourself, maybe not, I don't know. Anyway, I'd better go before it cuts me off. All I'm asking is that you just talk to me, please, I'm begging you."
I hung up, sitting back against the wall in silence.
A quiet knock at my door interrupted my thoughts, and for a second, my heart leapt. Could it be her? Who else would knock?
"Come in," I answered, my voice hoarse and shaky.
My eyes remained fixed on the door as it opened, and through the gap slid Harriet, her eyes soft, hair perfect. I hadn't spoken to her since I'd broken up with her, hell, I'd barely even seen her. I was surprised to see her in my room, and shifting forward to the edge of my bed, dangling my legs off of it.
"Hi," Harriet greeted, closing the door behind her. "You mind if I come sit for a minute?" I nodded wordlessly as she moved softly over to me, perching on the bed beside me. "I haven't seen you in a while."
I shrugged. "I could say the same for you."
She half smiled. "You know, the times that I have seen you, you haven't exactly looked happy. I just...I wanted to make sure you're alright. Are you?"
I sighed quietly. "Sure, I'm fine. No need to worry about me, but thanks."
Her eyes remained fixed on mine, and I could tell she didn't believe me. "You don't have to lie. I know when you're not telling the truth, Evie. It's written all over your face."
I shuffled back against the wall once again, a sigh escaping my lips as I closed my eyes fleetingly. "I just feel like the whole world's on top of me right now. It's kind of...suffocating, I guess."
Harriet paused for a moment before moving backwards and sitting beside me. "Do you want to talk about it?"
I chewed on the insides of my cheeks, my eyes stinging. "I think I've lost someone really important to me, like, forever."
"The girl?"
I nodded. "I did something that she didn't like, and she got scared, sort of ran away. I don't even know where she is anymore. It just hurts, you know?"
Harriet gave a sad smile and nodded her head. "I know." She sighed, turning towards me and placing a hand on my thigh. "Listen to me, she'd be an idiot to leave you. Just give it time, it'll be alright."
"I'm not sure it will be, not this time..."
She shook her head. "Then it wasn't meant to be. All you can do now is wait and hope that things will turn out the way you want them too. If not, then something better will come along."
I smiled, leaning forward and wrapping my arms around her gently. I had missed her, not in the sense that I still had feelings for her, but I missed her presence. I missed the calm elegance of her, the way she could make me feel better in such few words. She returned my embrace, and I was grateful.
"I'd better go," Harriet said as she pulled away. "But remember what I said, alright?"
"Thank you, Harry. I'm sorry, but the way."
"What for?"
I shrugged. "For hurting you. I know what that feels like, and knowing that I did that to you makes me feel, well, shitty."
She smiled, standing up from my bed. "I'll see you around, Evie."