Vikk's P.O.V.
The first time I noticed Josh getting violent was early into my time in the Sidemen house, when he was slamming doors and yelling at us, me especially, and I started to get scared of what was to come. I wasn't sure why I didn't get out when I started noticing that things were off, but I didn't. In fact, I stuck around for years.
It started to move to physical violence not long after we moved into the Sidemen house. JJ was barely there and Simon was often out, with friends or later with his girlfriend, leaving Josh and I alone in the house which gave him an opportunity to strike.
I often found myself locking my door because I didn't trust him to leave me alone and the last thing I wanted was for him to barge in when I was filming with others. I didn't want to reveal what was going on because I knew it would destroy the Sidemen and although I knew that I should tell someone, I couldn't.
There were times it got really bad; I ended up crying on the floor in pain and barely able to move for hours on several occasions and once he fractured one of my ribs. But still, I never told anyone. I went to the doctor with the excuse that I fell down the stairs, he prescribed pain relief and bed rest and that was that. No one knew, hell, I didn't think Josh even knew.
But soon it moved past even physical violence after we had moved into the second Sidemen house. Simon and JJ were both out, JJ training for the boxing match which was still 8 months away, and lord knows where Simon was, maybe with JJ, maybe not.
I was sitting at the kitchen bench sipping a coffee, I was done recording for the day and wanted to relax a bit before going back to editing. I had to prepare some in advance because I was going away for a week and wanted that time to relax, not worry about whether or not I had to film or edit anything and lord knows the fans would let me get off with less than 2 videos a day.
I didn't notice Josh slip into the kitchen and I didn't notice the hungry look he had on his face, but if I had been facing the other way then I would have ran. But I didn't see or hear him until it was too late, one of his arms was around my waist, pinning me down and the other hand was over my mouth to stop me from screaming.
But the worst part was the fact that his lips were on my neck and he was biting down gently, nipping at my skin in what most people would have assumed to be in a loving way, but I knew much better.
I screamed and I fought, dear god I fought, I threw my head back in an effort to headbutt him but my arms were pinned to my sides and he was a good 3 inches taller than me, heavier and stronger. I thrashed in his arms, creating as much commotion as I could but all he had to do was lean across and whisper in my ear and I stopped.
"Be a good boy and accept it, otherwise your little secret will be out there for all the world to see."
As much as I wanted to scream, to fight, to not let this happen, I knew I could. I went basically limp in his arms, only whimpering in fear and pain when he bit down too hard, my heart beating out of my chest because I couldn't risk it.
The other reason I couldn't tell anyone was because Josh had the biggest secret of my entire life held over me and if I mentioned what was going on to anyone then everyone, my friends, my family, my fans, they would all know.
My ultra conservative family would know, and they would disown me. My friends, who made gay jokes and teased Ethan about it even though we all knew he wasn't gay would know, and they would probably leave me in the dust. My fans, the only reason I stuck in the Sidemen and put up with Josh would know, and they would leave me without a job. It was blackmail and I didn't see any way out, because I knew he would keep his word if I told anyone.
You see, I was gay and Josh knew that all too well. He had read through my messages to my ex-boyfriend only a few weeks after we had moved into the Sidemen house and he held that power over me, the threat of releasing it to everyone. To keep it a secret I had to put up with his screaming, the physically abuse and eventually, the sexual abuse too.
That morning, sitting at the kitchen bench with no one else in the house but Josh, was the first time it ventured into sexual abuse. He didn't take it far, really just kissing, biting down on my neck and masturbating behind me, but 2 months later it had turned into full on rape.
He didn't even try to stop me screaming anymore, there was no one who could hear me. And every time he left me wrecked, curled up in a ball on his or my bed or on the floor, where ever he attacked me, and he left me broken.
Half the time I could barely walk, my legs and torso were covered in bruises and there was almost permanent fingerprint bruises on my waist from where he held me down. It left me completely destroyed.
By the time the KSI vs Joe Weller boxing match rolled around it was 6 months after he had first raped me and I was a completely different person. I didn't even try to fight him anymore. I considered telling someone, letting him spill my secret but to me, people finding out was much worse than what he was doing to me.
Two weeks before the fight. JJ was out training and Simon had gone with him for support. Lachlan was asleep on the floor above, he had just gotten off his flight and was exhausted but with him in the house I thought I would be safe. I thought Josh wouldn't risk doing anything when he could be caught by the one person who I couldn't lie to directly. If he asked me what the hell had happened then he would find out.
I was falling asleep at my desk, again. I barely slept in my bed anymore, not after Josh had done so much to me there. There were too many memories around it and if I slept, it couldn't be lying down even though Simon and JJ asked questions. I always told them I lost track of time.
The second the door opened I knew it was Josh. He had light footsteps, almost as if he was tiptoeing all the time which made it hard to know when he was coming after me, while Lachlan had heavier footsteps, especially when he was tired. I froze.
When his hand brushed my face I flinched and wanted to gag, to spin around and sucker punch him in the face maybe, but I didn't. It had been going on so long that I didn't have it in me to fight back, not when I knew what it would lead to.
"Hey baby boy, time to have some fun." He said the last word sarcastically and then tugged me out of my chair, pushing me back towards my bed. I held my hands out in front of me, constantly looking back to make sure I wasn't going to trip over. "But because we have a... guest... you're going to have to be very. quiet."
He said guests with malice, clearly not liking that Lachlan was there and with the word quiet he forced me onto my back on my bed, moving to sit on my stomach. I gasped for breath when he did so, he had sat down with such force that it had knocked all of the air from my lungs.
"If you make a single peep, no matter how much you want to scream, you will find yourself 6 feet under and with your secret known to the world." I clenched my teeth. "Do not. make. a. sound."
And with that he pushed his lips onto mine and shoved his hand down my pants, leaving me screaming inside.
Don't make a sound. I thought to myself, repeating his instructions inside my head. Don't make a sound and maybe this time it'll be alright.
---
Had it been 5 minutes or 5 hours? Maybe even 5 days? All I knew was that I was lying naked on my bed, a blanket thrown half heartedly over me and everything was screaming in pain.
There was a sticky substance between my legs and all over my stomach and I felt sick, to the point where I actually started gagging but I stopped myself. No. I thought. That would be a dead giveaway. The others could hear me.
Slowly, robotically, mindlessly, I got up. I was so numb that I couldn't even feel the pain now, even though there was now blood running down my legs too. I didn't worry. It had happened before.
I ran a shower and got myself cleaned up. I stripped my sheets from the bed and stuck them in the wash. I used the bottle of concealer to hide the bruise on my face and checked for new injuries. Nothing major, some more bruises and scrapes.
The fingerprints on my waist and stomach were obvious, like someone had picked me up with a hand on each hip and squeezed, but no. It was just Josh pinning me to the bed with such force that my skin turned into a rainbow, an ugly rainbow of greens and yellows and blues and purples.
I survived the day of the fight. I got the videos I needed recorded and edited and up on time, I vlogged like the fans were expecting, I acted like everything was okay. In reality I was dying on the inside.
The abuse continued even on the day before the fight. There were upwards of 10 people in the house but did he care? No. I had just gone to the bathroom to have a shower when Josh barged in and locked the door behind him. Afterwards I sat on the shower floor, water still pouring from the tap and blood trailing down the drain. It was one of the worse ones.
Lachlan was due to leave 8 days after the fight, longer than anyone else was staying with us. Most people left in the first few days once the excitement and the hype died down, leaving to return to their lives and their jobs again.
Those few days were an absolute refuge to me. Josh couldn't risk abusing me in full light of the others, no one left home and there was always someone in every room, there weren't enough bathrooms for everyone either so he couldn't attack me while I showered because there was someone waiting to get after me. I got the break I needed, to clear my head and to think.
I did notice that Lachlan watched me like a hawk during those few days. He made sure that I was never alone, we always recorded together and when I was editing we were both in a call together, ensuring I was never alone. He even waited until everyone else went to be before he did and I knew this because I was always the last to bed, a habit now, but he stayed with me.
It was somewhat comforting but it also made me suspect that he knew about the abuse. Why else would he be watching me? I did consider several times that he was waiting for a moment to strike but I got rid of that thought once I noticed his subtle glares at Josh whenever he came near me. He knew.
Simon, JJ and Josh all went out one morning to Tobi's apartment to film something, the day before Lachlan left. Josh didn't have to say anything to warn me, he just squeezed my shoulder so hard that I damn near screamed and I thought it might pop out of its socket to get his message across. Keep. Your. Mouth. Shut.
I was editing in my room, grateful for the little break that I would get with him away. My door opened and without even thinking, knowing that it was Josh, I flinched away and tensed up, even when the footsteps told me it was Lachlan.
"Vikky?" He whispered, his voice soft. "Can we talk please?" I closed my eyes and against everything that was screaming inside me to say no, tell him to go away, I nodded.
I stood up but when he pointed over to the bed, gesturing to sit on it, I shook my head. He then pointed to the couch that was on the other side of the room and I slowly nodded, still unsure. The couch had bad memories around it too, Josh hadn't strayed away from anywhere really, the bed, the couch, the shower, the floor.
It was awkward at first, Lachlan was clearly trying to gather up his thoughts and find the right words to say. I just sat there in silence, waiting for him to say something, all the time my heart beating louder and my panic rising. I wasn't sure I was ready to confront it just yet.
"Vikk... I- why haven't you left?" It was a straight up statement. I had to think for at least a minute before finally collapsing because I couldn't keep it in any longer, not after so many years.
"Because he's holding my life over my head." I whispered, lowering my head and squeezing my wrist tightly, trying to keep myself grounded. Lachlan held out his arms, inviting me to give him a hug if I wanted to. That was the first thing that hit me, he didn't go in to give a hug but he let me decide and eventually I did lean in, resting my head in his shoulder.
"I know what Josh has done to you Vikk." That started the tears, sobs falling from my mouth. "Please, I want to help you." He was pleading with me now, crying himself and that just made me cry even harder because I was so emotionally wrecked.
"You can't." I whispered, pulling myself out of his arms. I was numb. "I'm already gone."
Lachlan's P.O.V.
Only the next morning I wished that I had pulled him back, stopped him from pulling himself away and stopped him from running away when he most needed the help. I wished that I had been more open, told him that I was always going to be there, helped him somehow. I wished it hadn't gone that far.
Because the next morning after a night of reflection I went into his room, ready to ask him to trust me all over again but instead I screamed.
Vikk was standing with his back facing me, standing on his chair with a noose hooked around the ceiling light and it was wrapped around his neck. He was seconds away from falling, seconds away from trying to take his life.
"VIKK NO!" I screamed, scrambling to his side, standing up on his chair and pulling the noose off his neck. He screamed at me and cried, trying to hit me away but I didn't even hear him, I was too numb.
My best friend had tried to take his own life. If I hadn't gone into his room when I had then he would have died.
Both of us fell to our knees and we were both crying, and within a minute all 3 of Vikk's housemates were in the room beside us. They knew what was going on, they could see the noose on the ceiling and when I looked up I saw Simon on his knees beside me, JJ with his knees shaking and Josh. He looked around completely nonchalantly, no emotion in his face. He didn't care.
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" I screamed, ripping myself out of Vikk's arms and turning to face the reason that Vikk was so far gone. "YOU'VE DESTROYED HIM, DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT THAT!?!?!"
JJ and Simon looked bewildered but with Vikk bursting into tears all over again I crouched down beside him again.
"Get out." I hissed and he turned and left, walking with a swagger that made me seethe with anger. Simon and JJ looked absolutely stunned as I gathered Vikk in my arms, holding him close and just letting him cry into my shoulder. "You're okay, you're okay, I'm here Vikk."
There was silence for quite a while, a stunned silence while I comforted Vikk, maybe half an hour before Simon spoke up. Vikk was slowly calming but he was still crying and hiccupping painfully and my heart panged for him.
"What-" Simon stuttered, "What the hell was that? What the hell is going on?"
"Vikk please, you have to tell them. You can't keep this a secret any longer." He sobbed again.
"I can't!" He cried, tightening his grip on my arms. "It'll tear everything apart!"
"Vikk." I stated, a little more fiercely than I meant, tipping his chin back. "You can't not tell them. They need to know."
After a few minutes of me comforting him and his sobs slowing down to the point he could speak.
"T-tell th-hem." He hiccupped.
"Josh has been raping Vikk." The tension in the air could literally cut me in half and I saw the unspoken disbelief, the horror, the shock, the disgust. "I'm not sure how long it's been going on, but it's been probably a year."
"8 months." He whispered, tucking himself underneath my arm. He hiccupped again. "But he's been hitting me and stuff almost since we moved in together."
His voice shook when he spoke and he could barely get the words out, hardly holding himself together.
"I don't care what you think but I'm taking him out of here to Aussie. He's not staying here any longer." Before either Simon or JJ could speak up, say anything, do anything really, Vikk spoke.
"I'm going with him." He whispered. "I can't stay here. Not with him." Simon glared towards the door.
"Oh trust me, he isn't staying here." Then he paused. "I don't- I don't want seem insensitive but why didn't you tell us?"
"Because Josh was holding my secret over my head. He said he would tell everyone." He sniffled. "But I think I can tell you." He paused. "I'm gay."
No one really reacted to it, we just shrugged. We didn't really care.
"But Josh said he would tell everyone, my family and the fans too." JJ kicked something and Vikk flinched, causing JJ to stop and hiss out an apology.
"I'm so bloody sorry that we didn't see this Vikk." Simon whispered. "I hope this hasn't destroyed us."
"I don't think it has." He whispered. "It might take a while but I'll be back."
-----------------------------------------------
Although it was difficult at first, there was some improvements after a while. It was a struggle to keep going, Vikk almost gave up on several occasions and even told me so and he considered taking his life again but I talked him down.
Both of us were physically and emotionally exhausted, we barely had enough energy to get through the day because of how much we went through. Vikk slept only a few hours a night for months, he couldn't sleep because of what he associated beds and sleeping with and he woke up screaming all the time.
It didn't help that he was trying to get better mentally, he was going to a therapist and he talked to me about how he was feeling. He had taken a break from YouTube, not completely, he still did 3 or 4 videos a week because otherwise he got bored, but he took that time to focus on himself and to focus on getting better.
I tried to help as much as I could. I gave him my love and my time, I helped him out where ever I could and I made sure he was okay. But the last thing I was expecting was for him to return the feelings that I had kept hidden from him for so long.
I never wanted to admit I had a crush on him but the first time he kissed me, I finally did. I admitted that I loved him and he admitted that he loved me. Everything fit, and it aided in his recovery.
"Hey Vikk?" He looked up.
"Hmm?" He was still tired, not much sleep had been had the night before.
"You alright?" He smiled.
"Yeah. I am today."
"Good." I leaned over and kissed him gently. Everything was far from okay but there were some good days, days when everything seemed like it was going to be okay. But this was often followed by the bad days, the ones with panic attacks and flashbacks, the nightmares and breakdowns.
But even so, the good days were celebrated. They were a happy time.
"Love you Vikky." I mumbled.
"Love you too Lachy." He replied, smiling. "Thank you."