You aren't sure whether you heard her wrongly.
"No?" The word bounces around in your head several times, as if mocking you over and over again. You're stunned into disbelief. You've traveled the ocean, battled a furious storm, got chomped through the arm by a crazy siren, all to be told that the sea witch before you does know everything about who you were before, but is unwilling to tell you?
Your captain scowls, fingers tightening on the hilt of his cutlass as he glares at the sea witch in the eye. "You said that you'd answer her questions."
She doesn't flinch in the least, even when he draws the weapon on her. Instead, her eyes merely darken like a stormy sky, and suddenly, the winds around her starts to pick up as if in response to her anger, rising to a whistling howl that whips your hair into your eyes and stings your skin. "Correction. I said that I would answer the questions to the best of my ability. Fortune shines upon you, mortal, that my lady's blessing protects you. Do not test me. It is only by her grace that you can even step foot on this beach."
Hongjoong doesn't back down, cutlass still raised.
"Wait, wait, wait-" You've been completely ignoring their little face off for the last few minutes, trying to fully understand what on earth is happening. You want to rip out your hair and scream, but now's not the time for that. "Why... Why?"
Eldoris' expression remains completely neutral, as if her features have been carved from stone. Her pokerface could give San's a run for its money any day.
"I agreed to answer all the questions you had for me within my power. This one is one I cannot answer."
Your face goes flat as you battle to keep from swearing in front of this supposedly powerful sea witch, you're tempted to smack her in the face and shake her back and forth, screaming in her face. The words tumble out of your words before you can stop them.
"So you know about me before I got into this body," you gesture to yourself frantically, "and you know how I came to be in it, you also know why I lost my memories, but you just don't feel like telling me?"
The last words are spat out with fury and for a moment, you swear you can see the sea witch flinch a little, guilt flitting across her face. But she breathes in deeply and answers your question with an even voice.
"I wish to help you in any way I can, but I cannot tell you the answer to this."
She's as unhelpful at answering your questions as San when it comes to steering the ship and you literally on the verge of throwing a hysterical fit when something finally strikes as odd at the way she has replied to you so far.
"You won't tell me..." You ask hesitantly, studying her face for a change of each expression. "Or you can't tell me?"
At that, her shoulders relax slightly, as if relieved that you've finally gotten it. She nods, neutral expression closest to earnest you've ever seen.
"I cannot."
You feel like you've been smacked across the face with a dead fish.
"Then can you tell me why you cannot?"
Those words seem to lift a weight of her shoulders, even though the light in her eyes remain grim as ever when she nods once more. The next words that leave her mouth have you even more shocked than you were before.
"I am bound by an unbreakable oath to my mistress with my very soul as collateral." She says softly, each word serious as grave. Your eyes widen in stunned disbelief. "To not reveal or impart knowledge of who you were before you came to be in this body to you, or anyone else, no matter how desperately they beg for it, in case you ever regain your memories."
What? Her soul as collateral?
"Wait... this mistress you're talking about..." You force out, trying desperately not to hyperventilate. This is honestly getting too crazy for your brain to handle. "Who is she?"
At those words, a proud gleam comes into her eye and she straightens her back, meeting your gaze with a look you don't quite understand.
"What the mortals call the sea goddess."
At that, you do choke. You've been hearing these terms being thrown around so casually, sea witch, fortune teller, ancient magic, but hearing Eldoris say the words with so much confidence and surety seals everything for you. Magic is real. Then the meaning of what she's just said hits you like a tidal wave.
"What would the sea goddess want with me? Why does she not want me to regain my memories?" You sputter out, burying your hands in your hair as you try to make sense of it all. Have you offended the sea goddess herself in the past? Is she playing some sort of sadistic joke on you?
But Eldoris merely shakes her head once, her eyes pleading for you to understand.
"It's for your own good, Chin Hae-" She begins, but you've finally had enough. Everything in you snaps like a caving dam and anger floods through you, the wind howling in your ears furiously as the waves break against the reef barrier to swirl around your feet.
"Why? How can losing my memories possibly be for my own good? Curse the sea goddess, I'm going to freaking murder her, I-"
Eldoris' next words are as clear as the sky.
"If you recover your memories, you'll die."
Every part of your body seems to turn to ice simultaneously, blood freezing in your veins as you stare at her, unmoving. Your mind is completely silent except for that one sentence, resounding again and again in your head.
If you recover your memories, you'll die.
You can barely register Hongjoong's arms pulling you to him as he tries to reassure you, but his words simply drift past your ears like the whistling of the wind.
You'll die you'll die you'll die-
"What do you mean?" You hear your captain demand, and you desperately try to pull the shreds of your focus together so you can hear her explanation.
Eldoris stares at you gravely.
"Regaining her memories means her death." The sea witch says gently, a pitying look in her eye as she shakes her head in response to Hongjoong's question. "A degradation of the physical body that now contains her essence, to be more exact. They are trapped within the body she resides in. If you free them, her body dies too."
The fortune teller's words come back to you hauntingly.
You will never find what you so desperately seek as long as you live.
You stare at your own hands in horror. This cursed shell, this body of clay, it's the thing that's keeping you apart from your memories? For the first time ever since you discovered you're a golem, you feel truly hollow, a gaping, empty hole in your chest where your heart lies, where your memories are held.
A muffled scream breaks free from your throat and your knees feel weak, your legs crumple and you hunch over the ground with your hands tearing at your hair. You feel like you want to physically rip your brain from your skull and demand for it to spit out your memories now, because you'd rather regain your memories right this second and die, in comparison to the agony of living the rest of your life without knowing who you are.
Your breath catches as you stare at the cutlass hanging at your side.
Maybe... maybe if you just...
You're so tempted to, gods, your memories are just within your reach. It's all you've ever wanted the second you woke up, and now you can finally have them. It's in your grasp. It's all in your hand.
All you have to do is take it.
Your fingers inch for your cutlass.
"Chin Hae, no!" Hongjoong catches your wrist before you can clench your fingers around the hilt and you're jerked out of your trance to stare at him, still dazed. His bright green eye is terrified, swallowed by concern and fear, and then a painful, heart wrenching sensation twists in your chest.
Hongjoong's cries when he endured the whipping for you, the sound of skin tearing with every lash and the metallic scent of blood in the air.
San's bright smile as he held your hands in his, healing the scrapes on your palms, softly guiding you through each step of the process.
Yeosang's shudder as three bullets hit him in the back, ripping through his flesh, blood gushing from his wounds.
Mingi's gaze as he sat with you on that pink, sandy beach, telling you about his captain and crew with a fond smile on his face.
Seonghwa's laughter as you burnt yet another steak and he ate it anyway with a smile on his face, praising you for your improvement under his tutelage.
Yunho's sigh when he stood in that crow's nest with you, the story about him and his brother falling from his lips as the sun rose before you.
Jongho's chuckle as he swiped a cream bun straight from your hands before popping it into his mouth, laughing at the pout on your face before dropping his cake into your lap.
Wooyoung's earnest smile as he hands you the silver hairpin with hesitant eyes, your fingers brushing as you stare at it in awe.
Through your tears you laugh in despair, burying your face in your hands. On one hand, ever so enticing, lie your memories, your history, your identity. You so badly want to take it, more than anything else, but on the other hand...
"I name you Choi Chin Hae, family of the ATEEZ crew."
Your heart splits in two from the sheer pain of the choice you have to make. For a moment, when you close your eyes, you see someone staring back at you in your mind.
It's the green eyed man.
You're back on that beach once more, sky dotted with stars. There are tears running down your cheeks as you feel the breath of the wind in your lungs, the steady beating of your heart in your chest for the first time. He smiles at you so fondly as you reach out and hold him close, his hand running through your hair.
"I believe it, I know it, I can see it. I trust that you can make your path the right one. You will find a name deserving of you, given to you by those who love you. Take this and go to the town of Raguza. Your journey begins there." He whispers into your ear and you nod, sniffling and moving back as he presses a kiss to your temple. Around your shoulders he puts a coat of land cloth, something that has not touched you in millenia. A red rose is embroidered on the back. "Your fate intertwines with a mortal once more."
You turn towards the sea, one foot touching the waves, and you hesitate. It's as if your eyes are drawn to him, you glance over your shoulder to meet his gaze one last time. But you cannot linger for long, already you can feel your new body beginning to crumble ever so slowly into clay once more.
He hasn't moved from the beach, although his smile turns sad.
"You don't have much time. Go, and don't look back."
His name swirls around in your mind like a final memory, before it spirals into the air and vanishes with the wind.
Don't look back.
Like a breath of air, the vision fades and you're staring into your captain's eye once more, his arms tight around you as he begs you desperately again and again not to leave them.
He's trembling against you, his fingers digging into your wrists as if he's trying to physically prevent you from doing anything rash. Incoherent mumbles fall from his mouth, all beseeching you to stay, not to do anything foolish, and that's when you have your answer.
It hurts you so much to give up on your memories like this. But you know, deep within you, that giving up on them would be a fate worse than death.
So, closing your eyes one last time, you imagine the you from before in your mind.
She appears, standing upon the ocean waves as she looks at you in the eye. Both of you are eerily identical, though her skin seems to be luminous and crystal-like as a figment of your imagination, her eyes shifting colours like the mermaid you had seen on the stone wall outside. She smiles at you, a quirk to her mouth that seems both happy and wistful at the same time, her hair flying with the sea breeze as you make your choice. You raise your hand in farewell, reluctance tearing at every fibre of your being.
"Goodbye."
With those words, she closes her eyes and simply melts away into seafoam, swirling with the waves and disappearing from sight.
"Chin Hae? Chin Hae?" Your captain is shaking you now, and you stare at him for a moment, trying to remember who you are and what you're doing. Then you see wetness starting to gather at the corners of his eyes and it suddenly hits you.
"I'm not-" The words get caught in your throat, so you pause to swallow and before you try to speak once more. "I'm not... I'm not going to leave all of you behind."
At that, your captain visibly sags in relief, slumping against you, but it's nothing compared to the weight that falls from your shoulders. The moment you declared that, it became the truth. You would stay with the crew no matter what. You understand how Seonghwa could leave Nassau behind and stay on the Treasure instead now, because the crew were his family.
Eldoris' eyes pierce yours like a blade, although something in her seems relieved.
"So, what will you do now?"
You shrug as Hongjoong picks himself off the ground, reaching out a hand to help you up. You take it.
"I'll go wherever the Treasure goes." You say, and the words are light, as if you've been freed from invisible chains that had been holding you down. Your memories are well and truly out of your grasp, you have no more goal to chase after. Hongjoong takes your hand and squeezes tight, fingers locking with yours.
Eldoris nods, although a little hesitant this time. Her deep blue eyes meet yours.
"I'm glad that you found what you had been searching for this whole time, Choi Chin Hae." She tells you, but her words are solemn, and something tells you she's not talking about your memories. You frown, but you're honestly not in the mood to play anymore mind games with the sea witch.
But you do have one final question you want answered before you leave this island behind you forever.
"The name of the green eyed man... do you know it?"
You at least want to know the name of the mysterious man who has been in your dreams for so long. Eldoris shakes her head, and you feel your heart sink in disappointment.
"He has no name."
At that, you're a little startled. He doesn't have a name? How can anything on this earth not have a name? But the sea witch continues speaking.
"For divine beings such as he, he is omnipresent, the closest thing to all powerful any conscious can reach." She says the words with such reverence you almost feel like you should bow before her. You flinch at the word divine, brows furrowed in confusion. "But they have no souls as the mortals do, they are merely consciousnesses formed of great power. In the end, when this world dies, they will fade away and cease to exist, even when the souls of humans dwell on forever. Thus they have no names, for they have no imprint upon this world."
Your heart sinks in your chest as you think of the green eyed man, his gentle smile lingering in your mind. The thought of him simply becoming... nothing... it scares you, even though you barely know him.
"But they do call each other by the words that the Creator called them into existence with." You startle a little in surprise when the sea witch's voice takes on an almost melancholy tone. "I cannot speak the words myself with this human tongue, for only creatures created at the beginning of time can, such as the Kraken. I so dearly wish I could do the same and address my mistress with spoken word, but..."
Now you're just confused.
The sea witch trails off and shakes her head, bringing herself back to the present. "Either way, they have no souls as the humans do, thus they cannot be named. Mortals have attempted to name them many times, but their simple, spoken words can only capture the physical aspect of them. No mortal can ever name a divine being."
You have absolutely no idea what she's saying at this point, so you merely nod in an impression of understanding.
"Thank you, Eldoris, for the body you have given me."
The sea witch pauses and looks at you straight in the eye. Something about the way she's does so makes you shiver uncomfortably.
"I wish you all the best." Her eyes burn into yours with the intensity of a million suns. Swallowing uncomfortably, you let Hongjoong take you by the arm and the two of you walk back to the cave, hand in hand.
He squeezes your fingers and you look at him, his eyes gentle on yours.
"What are you going to do now?" He asks again, as if he needs to hear it from your lips once more. You smile at your captain, taking a deep breath as you imagine the faces of all of your crew who are waiting for you back on the ship.
"Let's go home."
And the two of you leave the beach behind, never looking back.