I'm staring at the moon and the bright stars outside my window. I sigh with my head propped up with my elbows on the windowsill. I've never witnessed a shooting star, though I'd love to. I'd love to wish upon a shooting star. To wish for a happier, more meaningful life. Sometimes I wonder to myself, why must I have this life? Why has fate chosen me to live this sad and melancholic life?
There's a knock on my door.
I instantly pull down the sleeves of my shirt to cover my scarred arms. But, I'm too slow. Or maybe it's just my sister who's too quick. She's gasping as she darts over towards me, gripping my hands before I can hide the scars.
Mina is six years older than me, so it's natural for her to worry and be concerned about me, although I don't really need her to. I know she loves me and I love her too, but sometimes she just needs to let me be free. Let me do what I want to do. I don't want to be her shadow. I don't want to be her baby sister, even though I'm not the youngest in the family. I have a little sister too, yet she seems to be doing better than I am, whilst I'm the burden to the family. Everyone loves my sisters and I'm the disappointment.
"Luna, I thought you stopped cutting yourself. Why is this bad habit of yours resurfacing?" Mina asks with a soft voice as she holds onto my hands delicately, careful not to hurt me.
I pull my arms away from her and huddle up against the cool window. I pull my sleeves down to conceal the pink marks on my skin and hug my legs.
"Just leave me alone," I say, but Mina doesn't budge.
She sighs and sits down beside me. The opposite of what I've just said. She comes closer to me, but I move away and let the curtain of my long hair cover my face. I'm not in the mood to explain to her, to be lectured by her. I hate how she's studying me with her soft brown eyes. I hate how those same eyes are scanning my body, looking for the wounds I've set upon myself.
I stand and shout, "Why can't you just leave me alone!"
She stands as well. She's taller than me, so I'm forced to look up to face her.
"Let me help you," She says with her angelic voice. "Please."
"No," I reply, cutting her off.
We stand face to face with each other. She's observing me again and I'm observing her too. Her lashes flutter with every blink. Her hair brushes against her face and shoulders ever so slightly by the crisp breeze from the opened window. Her rosy lips twitch, and she sighs.
"Fine," she says abruptly, then turns to leave my room.
The door closes gently and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
I tug my sleeves up my arms and peer at them. There aren't as many cuts as before, which is a sign that I'm slowly recovering. I know I'm getting better, so I don't need Mina to worry about me.
It's true, things are getting better. My parents haven't argued in weeks. They haven't yelled at me either. It's been peaceful, which I hope is a good thing. I'm doing well in school and my grades are steady. Everything has been going smoothly. Well, as smooth as it can possibly get.
I turn my focus back to the window behind me and lay down on my bed. I should sleep, yet the moonlight distracts me. Its glow so captivating and beautiful as it illuminates the pitch black sky.
I close my eyes and let my body relax.
But before I can fall asleep, my door creeks open. I see my little 7-year-old sister standing by my door, she's in her nightgown and she's clutching onto her teddy bear.
"Rae-na?" I reach my hand out to her and she instantly comes to my side. "What's wrong?"
I wrap my arms around her tiny frame and I immediately get a whiff of lavender and lemons. The sweet scent of my younger sister's hair makes me smile as she hustles her head against me.
"Nightmare?" I ask.
I feel her nod her head. Her arms wrap around me tighter. I run my fingers through her hair to soothe her. I carry her onto my bed and cuddle her as I lull her to sleep with a song. This was something Mina used to do with me when I was younger and had nightmares.
Soon, I hear her snore softly. I smile and kiss her forehead. My arms are still wrapped around her. Our bodies touching, keeping each other warm.
This happens quite often. Whenever Rae-na has a nightmare, she would sleep with me. That's one thing I'm proud of. I'm proud that Rae-na would find me, instead of Mina. That may be selfish of me, but everyone has to be a little selfish. Besides, that's the one and only thing I'm glad about. Mina has everything and everyone adores her. Having one less thing means nothing to her, but one little thing is everything to me.
---
I open my eyes to find that Rae-na is no longer by my side and the sunlight is shining through my window. I stand up and ruffle my hair, before smoothing out my dishevelled pyjamas. I don't look presentable at all, but it doesn't matter. Its the weekend and I'll be staying at home all day anyway.
I trudge towards the dining room as I do every morning. I'm surprised when I see that Mina isn't in the kitchen making breakfast like usual. Instead, I see her sitting on the sofa with mum. Mum is looking down, her facial expression is calm, although I notice that she's fidgeting nervously. Mina has an arm warped around her shoulders, calming her.
I look around the room and see Rae-na leaning against the wall in the corner of the room. She looks afraid, and tears are streaming down her face. I'm confused. What happened whilst I was asleep? I make my way over to my little sister and embrace her. She's shaking as her tears soak the front of my pyjamas.
Mina notices me and I hear a slight tremble in her voice as she says, "Come here."
I glance down at the small girl in my arms and stand up, whilst holding onto her hand and go towards my older sister and mum.
I sit down on the sofa with Rae-na on my lap, "What is it?"
My mum breathes in and she opens her mouth to speak, but Mina stops her by gripping onto her hand, "Dad moved out."
Wait, what? I did not expect this. I was not prepared for this answer.
There's a pause. Nobody speaks. I don't know what to say, I'm too shell-shocked to utter a word. I thought everything was going well, I haven't heard anymore shouting between my parents. Why did dad move out so suddenly? I must've missed something. This silence did not mean everything was well. It was the opposite.
Mum sighs and she stands up to leave. I don't stop her, neither does Mina. We let her lock herself in her room to weep. I know she loves our dad, but dad doesn't love her anymore. Love is such a strange feeling. I wonder what part of dad made mum love him.
But there must have been times in which they truly did love each other. If they didn't, how were they able to give birth to three daughters? Thinking about this now, I start to remember that things changed after Rae-na was born and I was ten. Dad would come home late and he would bring home young girls and get drunk. He would yell at mum and force her sleep on the sofa. Mum and dad would bicker and quarrel nonstop. I'm not certain as to why, but Mina, who was sixteen at the time, said that dad got bored of mum. She said that dad thought mum was old and wrinkly. She was no longer the beautiful young girl he once knew and loved. I suppose love dies over time and couples gradually become tired of each other.
I should've seen this coming. I should've known that dad would leave us one day.
I get Rae-na to stand up from my lap and let Mina watch over her as I stand to leave.
"Where are you going?" Mina asks as she embraces and hushes our crying sister.
"Out," I say. "I need fresh air. I'll be back, don't worry."
"Just don't hurt yourself and come back soon," Mina says with concern.
"Okay," I say as I head out the door.
I can't hurt myself and I must be back. If not, who'll take care of Rae-na? Mina will be busy looking after mum and she's basically the one who's supporting the family. So I have to be there for Rae-na.
Besides, I know Mina won't be able to hold up and take care of this family alone. I'll have to help her. This may be a way to show mum that I can sustain the family too. That I'm strong enough to provide for our living. I don't want to be seen as frail and worthless in front of my mum or my sisters.