alexis
Something is different about today. Something is so subtly different and I don't know what it is. The air has changed, or the energy, but I didn't think I believed in that type of shit. Calum used to try to read me my horoscope when we were together. I am a scorpio, born on November 10th. And he is an Aquarius, born on January 25. I'd always brushed him off when he tried to teach me about the zodiac signs, but for a reason I never had the heart to tell him. While doing my own research, I'd discovered that our signs weren't compatible as lovers. Maybe this was one of the first warning signs, but it was one that came much too early on to detect any truth in it. Of course, I was still invested in our relationship. I mean, how could the stars tell me what I was going to do today, much less who I was going to fall in love with. As much as I wanted to believe the stars have a plan for me, I couldn't.
Nevertheless, something was different.
I couldn't stop thinking about the way I left Calum's house, only two days ago. The way he looked at me with a crushing sense of disappointment when I said I had to leave, the way he held my hand tightly for as long as I would let him. The way our hands still fit perfectly together was circling in my mind, but yet something had changed and I didn't feel as good as I used to in his embrace. I haven't hugged him since we sat on the floor in that goddamn bathroom together, when I held him tighter than I ever held him when he was mine.
I love him.
He was trying to repair things, and I wouldn't let him. Maybe a part of me wanted things to stay broken between us, so that we could never move on. Because what if we fix things, and then suddenly we are no longer as interesting to each other? That would be heartbreaking.
I love him.
All of these thoughts flood my mind as I stand in the shower, feeling the hot water run down my back as I wash my hair. The water is burning my skin but I let it because the feeling reminds me that I am still alive. Steam fills the shower and surrounds me and reminds me of how alone I am in this world. The warm fog clears my mind, for once.
I scrub my body with a soap Calum said he liked once, and wash my hair with a shampoo that Calum uses to use when he would spend the night. Even if I could ever get over him, I never really could escape the memories. Everything comes back to him, every single little damn thing. And I hate him for it.
And it is after my shower, when I am sitting in my bed, with my damp hair resting on my shoulders, that I hear the knock at my door. This is not a knock that I recognize, and so I don't even for a second think that it is Calum- I know it's not. And Gram is upstairs asleep, and with a glance out my window I see that Luke isn't home so it's probably not him either.
He hasn't talked to me in a while, and I'm torn between missing him and being grateful he finally got the message that he is not the one that I love.
I walk to the front door as quietly as I can so that I don't wake Gram. It seems half of this summer has been spent sneaking around her, careful not to cause suspicion. It kills me inside, but I also don't understand how somebody that I live with can have such a looming lack of knowledge about my life.
I don't bother looking through the peephole because I simply do not care who is at the door if it is not Calum. Nothing matters if it doesn't relate to him, it's that simple. And so I open the door swiftly, preparing to tell the person standing there to go away. But the person is the last one that I would expect to be here.
Ashton is standing there, facing away from me. He's looking up at the moon. At first glance, I realize he probably left the house in a rush, as he's wearing baggy grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt, along with slides. Somehow he still looks put together though, which irritates me instantly. Calum has expressed jealousy towards Ashton in the past. He envies his maturity. At times, Calum acts similarly to a middle school boy, but at times it is like he raised me.
Ashton turns around when he hears the door open, and he just looks at me with an unrecognizable expression. It is one I have never seen before. I open my mouth to ask what he is doing here, but he interrupts me.
"Let's go for a walk," he says gently, but with purpose. And because there is kindness in his voice and a chill in the air that I have missed so much, I find myself closing the door behind me and following him out into the sidewalk.
We walk into the darkness in silence.
There is a chill in the air, one that I haven't felt since I was back home. The moon is out, and its round shape in the sky lights up the street, despite being so far away. And for just a moment when I look up, I think I can see the stars through the smog.
I stare at Luke's house as we walk by, but all of the windows are dark. He hasn't talked to me since I kicked him out of my house after I got back from Calum's. He thinks he knows me so well, he thinks he knows everything about me. But he doesn't. I ignore the fact that he wants the best for me, because he does not know what that could possibly me. He couldn't know, not if he doesn't know me.
Ashton doesn't speak until we are nearly three blocks away. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words.
"Calum is sick, Alexis," he finally says, and I suck in a breath of cool night air.
"What do you mean?" I ask as my heart stops beating.
"He went after Luke today." He says, and confusion sweeps over me.
"What do you mean?" I repeat, but with more urgency than the last time.
"He held him in a fucking choke hold."
The night is too cold, and I stop walking, holding my arms in front of my chest to keep warm. Ashton continues down the sidewalk before he realized I've stopped, and he turns around and comes back to me. And then we are standing in the middle of the sidewalk, a concerned friend and a sad girl.
"What?" Nothing he is saying is making any sense.
"Maybe you should sit down," he says gently, and gestures towards the lawn behind us. But I don't move a muscle. He stares at me for a moment too long, and I can just barely see his green irises in the dark. He sighs.
"I think Calum is sick, Alexis." He repeats, and anger builds inside of me for a reason I can't identify. "He's sick in the head,"
"What the fuck does that mean?" I explode suddenly and without control. Despite my ignorance, I know exactly what his words mean. I understand, and he isn't wrong, unfortunately. My voice softens. "Is he okay?"
Ashton doesn't respond, and suddenly we are both sitting on the sidewalk, legs bent at the curb. Maybe a car would hit us. That would be nice, an easy release, a getaway. It would make the news for sure: Two reckless teens killed in a drive by.
"Ash," I breathe, nearly begging him to look at me. The night is too cold the sky is too dark and the moon is too round and it is too bright and I can't breathe anymore.
Moments of silence pass as I think too much about nothing.
"Why are you here?" I stare at Ashton in the darkness. His white teeth and eyes nearly glow in the dark, but I can still barely see an outline of his face and body. He looks cold, as he holds his body tighter than he normally does. I am cold too, but my goosebumps are due to the situation at hand, and not the temperature.
"You are ripping him apart," He whispers, and I almost don't catch it.
I don't know what to think anymore.
"What?" My eyes water and I feel something that I haven't felt since the night dropped me off at my house without saying goodbye; fear.
"He attacked Luke, he fucking tried to choke him! So Luke called me and I don't know what the fuck to do with Calum anymore. He's loosing it!" His voice gets bigger at the end of his sentence, and I flinch as he looks at me. Even in the dark, I can see the concern in his eyes, in his tone.
"Listen," I begin carefully. "Calum would never hurt anyone, he would only protect me. He- he has good intentions. God, does he have good intentions," I ramble to Ashton, but I am lying to myself. Calum hasn't been the same ever since that night, and neither have I, but not nearly to this extent. I didn't know he was capable of such a thing,
"Alexis, I like you, okay. You love Calum and Calum loves you, and Luke loves you too, and maybe he's part of the problem. But Calum is dangerous. You can't deny that. Good intentions don't change that.
Rain begins to fall, and the drops land on my forehead and remind me that I am alive. It's sad that it is always things like this that remind me I am still alive.
The weather used to dictate my emotion to such a drastic extent. If it was rainy I was sad and if it was sunny, I was bitter because my mood differed so drastically from how the world outside appeared. But now, the rain is cold and reminds me of home and the boy who is my home.
I wasn't lying when I said everything comes back to him.
"He didn't mean to hurt Luke, I know that. But regardless, he needs help, and I think that he is finally going to get it, even if it had to get to this point for somebody to do something about it." Ashton says softly, and I crumble.
"Just give me a few days, Ash. We'll figure it out." I don't know what else to say. I ignore the root of what Ashton is saying. I don't let it in. I don't let myself think about his words. Because then I wouldn't crumble. I would break into a million pieces that could never be put back together, by anyone.
Silence surrounds us like a blanket, and the night is too dark. We sit on the sidewalk for a while longer, not knowing what to do with ourselves. A girl trying to save the boy that she loves, and a boy who is smarter than that and knows that is a waste of time.
What a pairs we make.
Suddenly, a shadow appears, and gets bigger as it gets closer to us. And then we hear footsteps, and I lean toward Ashton in fear, about to point at the shadow.
"Hey," the shadow says, and Ashton relaxed when he realizes that it is no murderer, and only Luke.
Maybe I would have been happier to meet the murderer.
"Luke, I told you to wait for us back at the house," Ashton scolds, and everything clicks together.
"Wait," I begin as everything falls into place for the first time. "What the fuck is this? An intervention?" I demand to the boys. Luke stands in front of us, facing his back to the streetlight so I can't see his face at all. But Ashton looks calm, and it scares me. He doesn't say anything at my accusation, and my blood boils.
"No," I say after a minute, and stand up. "Fuck this, fuck all of this," I start to walk away, but Luke grabs my hand. I stop and look at him for a split second, and I let myself for just a second think about a life with Luke. A simpler life, one without interventions and lost causes. But he is not who I love, even if I almost wish he were.
"Don't touch me," I yell but it is only a whisper in the night. I storm away, leaving them with that, and a breeze.
And as I'm walking away, all that I can think about is how this is the first time nobody chased me as I ran away. Instead, I am running towards somebody else. Someone that I am sure will let me in, and love me.
I can't think of anything more pathetic.
another chapter up!!
i uploaded this chapter a few weeks ago, but unpublished it and changed it because i didn't like the direction it took the story.
how are you guys? it's currently 3:28am on a school night and i woke up with a sudden burst of inspiration. i have school in five hours.
qotd: who is your favorite character in the story?
mine is calum, because he is so complex and has so many layers to him. onions have layers :)
thank you sm for reading. love you guys the most!!