Shocker! Two chapters in one day? Ze, what is this? XD Yes, to slightly make up for my delays due to school starting this week, I have decided to give you one more chapter before crashing in my natural habitat - bed.
So enjoy this one! It's one of my favorites. ^^
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All I could think about was how I could have let this happen. How could I just... let him slip away, without trying to make him climb back up again? It clawed and gnawed at my chest, to the point where it hurt. Someone was tugging at me, but I felt numb, as I always did. I dragged Trevor along with me, unable to let go of my dead brother's body.
"Mathias, you have to let go." Sam whispered softly beside me. Derrick was trying to pry me off of Trevor. He and Sam both knew that this would be unhealthy for me, sitting in the cold, while I cried over something I would never get back.
"I can't." I hoarsely replied, shaking my head. I tightened my grip around Trevor's back, as if to prove I couldn't. Derrick sighed, letting me go. Sam gave him a stern look, one that said, "Wait. Not yet." He nodded curtly, looking down at me with a concerned expression.
What happened next, I couldn't begin to comprehend.
Where Samantha was sitting beside me, she stared right at my eyes, begging me for something. I looked back at her confused, but when her eyes shifted towards Trevor, I understood. I wasn't sure what her intentions were, but they had to be good ones. After all, I trusted her. I slowly let go of him and his body rolled on, over to her lap. She stared at his frozen face, a deep look in her swollen eyes. They showed a loss from within her dark pupils, engulfed in a thin layer of tears.
"Trevor..." She softly reached out her hand towards his face, running the pad of her thumb over his cheek. I watched as she slowly leaned down towards his face and kissed his forehead. I smiled sadly, realizing that I wasn't the only one who had lost someone they loved. Somehow, I didn't feel betrayed. It was true, that Sam had once been mine, but I had forgotten her long ago. She had moved on and I respected that. In fact, it's what I would have wanted for her.
Sam looked back at me, then lifted him back up so I could reach out for him. At least she knew I still needed some time to actually let go of him - physically. Minutes passed as I continued to hold onto him, refusing to let him go. It was clear that this was going to go on, until someone stopped it. Derrick looked at Sam apologetically, before standing up from where he had sat himself beside her.
"I didn't want to have to do this..." His voice darkened as he walked around, now standing in front of me. My reddened eyes stared up at him, glaring daggers into him. I knew what was coming, but I was planning to fight even if it meant that I would freeze to death out here. He quickly grabbed onto Trevor and yanked his body away from me. I let out a yell of protest, like a baby squealing for its bottle.
"No, Mathias." Sam stopped me from standing up and held me back, for I was too weak to try and get back to him. "Take Trevor somewhere safe, Derrick. Don't bury him in the cold. It would be cruel of us to do so." Sam ordered him quietly, while I whimpered sadly. He nodded, seeming unsure of his current action, but still carefully held Trevor over his shoulder, starting on his way to a vacant area.
"How could you!" I screamed after him, tears streaming down my face. "How could you!" I repeated, over and over again, losing my mind right before Samantha's eyes. She did what she could to calm me down, but her attempts were to no avail. Her constrictions kept me in place, but they couldn't keep my emotions in check. I continued to watch in terror as Derrick's figure was swallowed away in the whiteness of the surrounding snow.
"It's ok... Let it out..." Now, Sam wasn't even trying to stop my pleas for his return. I stopped struggling against her because I now had no idea where my dear brother was taken. She softly hugged me, resting my head against her warm shoulder. I only sobbed into her damp jacket, my head throbbing from all my efforts and aching chest, though they were hurting without actually hurting. Sam pet me like a stray dog, lost out in the street without a place to call home. I didn't reject it. I couldn't reject something I could no longer feel.
Soon, I felt another set of arms wrap around me. I was startled, but Derrick's sympathy was the rarest of things I had ever experienced. His face was pale and almost as white as the land. He was too much in shock to cry himself and it was only because he had just sent out a body to its resting place.
"I-Is he safe?" I sniffled as he let go of me. His hair was brushed away from his face and his soft eyes gleamed sadly.
"I hope so." He all, but whispered into the howling winds. My cheeks were wet, but my eyes were dried. It felt like I cried out all the water I had left in my body, and I felt weak. My nose tinged with red, my eyes puffy with agony, I stood up shakily. My knees were broken stems, trying to hold up a flower that no longer existed.
"Where do we go from here?" I asked in a blunt monotone, staring off into the distance like the answer would be waiting for me there.
"We look for Angeli." Sam joined me by my side, resting her hand on my shoulder. "I think you need her now more than she needs you, even if she's being captivated by Rich Guards." I looked at her like if she were crazy, but her expression didn't falter. It seemed that she knew what she was talking about.
"I'd have to agree. Angeli's like the only person who cheers you up. Don't think I haven't noticed it." Derrick tried to smile, but he was still washed over from Trevor's death. It turned out as a crooked grin, but I still noticed it.
"I guess." I murmured lightly, stepping on the snow as it crunched underneath me like my heart crunched at the sound of the whistling wind.
"Where are you going?" Derrick called after me, where I took soft and silent steps.
"Where the wind takes me." I responded, but he couldn't hear me. Nor could he hear the continuing tears that wouldn't seem to stop. All I could think about as I walked aimlessly in the unknown vacancy was nothing at all. My mind went blank, a new numbness taking its toll. I couldn't sense the roaring wind through my hair; I could only hear it. I couldn't feel my heart; I could only hear its thundering beats. I couldn't feel the blood rushing through my veins; I could only shed it upon being struck.
With a cleared and non-running mind, I stared up at the darkened sky. "Is my brother up there?" I wondered. "No." I shook my head sadly.
"Not after all he's done." I whispered through barely parted lips. Instead of a silence in response, I found something more.
"Who? Trevor?" I turned around to find that I was being followed by Derrick and Samantha. Sure, they were my friends, but I hadn't expected them to go after me while I was in such an empty state of mind.
I merely shrugged, staring off towards the horizon line. I knew it was probably around ten at night, but I was hoping that the sun would peak through that sharply edged whiteness. The warmth wouldn't reach me, but I just wanted to know it was there. Even if my nervous system wasn't functioning properly, it didn't mean I couldn't get sick. Though, I was more sick than I knew I was.
"It's so dark out here." Derrick murmured beside me, glaring around him as if to half-expect something to leap out and jump at him. "We'll have to find somewhere to stay and sort through this mess. We'll worry about the Golden Fox mission later. Right now, we need to get Angeli back and pick back up where we left off." I stared at him for a short few seconds. He had gone quiet. When we first met him, he was all for the mysterious vibe and the purposefully done slip of the tongue. Slowly, however, he progressed through what I liked to call the quiet state. He not only become more unsure, but he was even less confident.
"Where are we supposed to find a place to stay in the middle of nowhere?" She frowned and Derrick only kept staring at the cold snow beneath his feet. Sam sighed softly, her breath coming out in a white puff of gaseous carbon dioxide. "There has to be some place we can stay." I glanced at her, seeing her shiver under her coat.
"Keep walking." I bluntly responded, no emotion showing through my lowered voice. "Good things come to those who wait." I explained further, plucking off a fur from her jacket's fluffy hat. She cocked an eyebrow at me as I flicked it away, but I didn't seem to notice it.
"What about that over there?" Derrick motioned towards a looming shadow in the far distance. "Might be an abandoned home."
"I don't think so. This is the common route people take to the Rich country. It wouldn't be left alone." I listened to their voices, but didn't respond. That is, until my name was mentioned. "What about you, Mathias? What do you think?"
"I don't care." I blinked, then kept walking in a steady stride.
"That's it." Sam growled, grabbing onto my coat's hood and yanked me back. "You're dropping that attitude. I know Trevor just died, but moping around about it won't help you or anyone else." I narrowed my eyes at her furrowed brows and angry expression.
"I'm not moping, stupid." I snarled harshly. "Do you think if I was moping, I would be walking? Just give me some damned time!" I roughly pulled away from her grasp and left her in a paralyzed shock.
"That's... That's not Mathias..." She said to Derrick, who stared after me in silence. "He would never..."
"I know." He quietly answered as my figure rapidly got further and further away from them. "Mathias wasn't like that, but he's gone cold and hard. He's not going to be the same after Trevor's death." He directed his attention back to Sam. "But you're definitely not helping, forcing him to 'stop moping,' as you put it."
"Great. " She ran her hand over her face, a regretful look cast upon it. "I wasn't meaning to-"
"He wouldn't have known. His mind is probably set on just one thing - the mourning that won't stop. Come on, we have to catch up to him before we lose sight of where he is." Sam didn't get a chance to respond as Derrick quickly darted towards my fading shadow, but followed after him.
I, on the other hand, was running faster than they were. A sudden burst of anger was causing me to tear through the snow at an incredible speed I had never been able to achieve. Then, I stopped abruptly. I was breathing hard, sweat running down the side of my face. If I were able to feel, my lungs would have been stinging as they pounded against my ribs. And yet, I still felt this recognizable emotion. What was it?
I asked myself this as I approached a wooden structure. I stared up at it, realizing that this was the object Derrick had spotted. I reached a hand out to touch it and a mark of my faded fingerprints were left imprinted on a spot where there had previously been snow stuck to it. A soft creak from inside caught my attention, but I wouldn't dare get curious now. Then, it came back to me. That emotion... I knew what it was. Agony.
My hearing had become the one strength I still possessed, so it was obvious when I heard the crunching of snow come from behind me. I didn't flinch or even turn my head at the sound. My ears were still burning red and my grip on the wood of the building was far from fragile.
Neither was the grip that grabbed on to my neck.
A sore and hoarse throat whispered beside my ear, "Who are you and what are you doing here?" I was losing breath, but the cold hands around my flesh were unable to be felt. I held onto them, trying to pry them off, but my weakened state wasn't in my favor.
"I-I-I am-" I attempted to choke out whatever words I could manage, but I wasn't going to be able to answer with those snake-biting hands lodged at my throat. They finally got the hint that I wouldn't be able to talk and let go of me. I sunk to the frozen ground with my head propped against the building, listening to my rushing heartbeat.
"Out with it." I stared up at them and realized who it was.
"Angeli," She wasn't only the one who was threatening my life, but she was also covered in dried blood, sweat, and scars. Her eyes widened when she saw my face, but I didn't respond in return. I stood, leaning back against where I last had my head. "What are you doing here? I thought the Rich Guards had gotten you."
"They... They did, but they just took me here and beat me until I couldn't take it anymore. Then, they left me here." She motioned towards the wrecked fragments of wood that could have once been a house, but was now a heap of raw materials. "I guess they let me go..."
"Good." I muttered, uninterested with her escape. This intrigued her. My personality was always the kind that would have worried about her and would be glad that she was safe. This time, however, my personality was invalid towards my reaction.
"Yeah, it is... Are you alright?" She tried taking a step towards me and failed to keep good motor skills. I reached out to grab her before she fell face down on the ground, hugging her to my chest. Her raspy breathing seemed to be the only thing I could hear as I lifted her back on her feet.
"Don't follow me." I threatened in an intimidating voice, letting her go and stepping away from her. I noticed that her jacket had been stripped away from her and she stood in the frozen world that had become of the Earth. Usually, I would have felt bad and given her my jacket to keep her warm. After the incident with Trevor, the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind.
"W-why?" She stuttered between shaky breaths. I realized that she must have been colder than I thought. After all, her clothes were torn in various places as a result of her beating. I didn't get the chance to respond to her one-worded question because distant voices interrupted my own voice.
"Mathias! You found Angeli!" Sam yelled out, beginning to approach us behind Derrick. He seemed to be smiling a little, but when he saw my frown, it started to disappear.
"Sam, Derrick! I'm so glad to see you guys!" I let out a soft sigh as I watched her get wrapped up in their arms, hugging her tightly. I propped myself back against the tree-like pole that was once the foundation of a house.
Angeli glanced over at me and whispered something to Samantha. Her large smile fell.
"He hasn't told you?" Sam's eyes dimmed as she began to remember how hard it would be to believe. I didn't want to hear or speak the words I dreaded so much and left just as Derrick spoke.
"Trevor's... dead." I cringed at the only word I heard and felt it continue to echo in my mind as I ventured through the wooden ruble. "Dead" kept repeating - over and over and over again - until I could see the place on my knuckles grow white from how tightly clenched my fists were.
"H-he's dead?" Angeli's shock compared to my fluently expressed anger that continuously crashed in waves was nothing. I heard her voice crack and a glint of realization crossed her. She turned in my direction, where our gazes locked for a few seconds, but I narrowed my eyes and turned away. She had best believe that I was in a strange place.
The world around me was no longer a world. It was just a vacant lot and black pavement with dim street lights surrounding me in a swiveling manner. My head and thoughts seemed to dive and dip with every one of my moves, making me sick to the stomach. The truth? I wasn't even aware of this. My very conscious had become something unknown to me. All of my personality drained out of my soul and left me as hard as a steel door, which only reminded me of my "good times" with Norman and The Beast.
"Yeah... We were all shocked, but-" Sam looked over at me, where I sat stiffly. I leaned myself against the wooden base. The snow that had fallen was seeping into my pants, leaving them damp and cold, but I couldn't be bothered by it. Not anymore, at least. In a softer voice, she said, "He seemed to have taken it the worst."
"Of course he did." Angeli responded, the urge of wanting to come over to me overwhelming her. "You know, Mathias just wanted to help Trevor. Even if he had killed so many people..." She seemed like she wanted to say more, but her entire face and posture fell all at once. "And I know how he feels."
Derrick was swept away from all these emotions. He was probably never one to see anybody so upset, especially when someone like Trevor had died. His mysterious and independent ways were never used to this. Surprisingly, during all this time, he had pulled his hair back to reveal his eyes. It was a strange thing to see this occur for a long period of time and I realized something about him. Whenever Derrick was in his unusual moods - happy, sad, jealous - he would show his eyes. Those eyes seemed to tell a story that Derrick's voice alone could never tell.
He and Sam couldn't understand what I was going through, seeing as how they stood in silenced shock as Angeli came inside the broken down structure to crouch down beside me. They never had a sibling to worry about. They never had to fear their death, or if they would come home the next day, or if they would always be together. They just didn't know how it felt like to share the same genetic information with someone who wasn't their parents.
Reality just hit harder than The Beast or Norman ever could. It could pack a punch that could kill me if it wanted to.
"Mathias?" Her soft voice spoke, but my brain didn't process it. I glanced over at her with fierce eyes and suddenly stood up.
"Shelter." I murmured, walking out through another opening that continued on into the vastness of the white. She rested her gaze on the spot I had last been sitting on, confused as to what that was supposed to mean.
Derrick approached her, resting his hand on her shoulder. "I mentioned looking for shelter after we found you. I guess... He just doesn't want to talk." She nodded lightly, staring after me. It was strange how I was still able to know that what I was doing was wrong, but didn't find myself capable of stopping it. I just wanted to go on without having to explain anything or reliving the feelings that were swelling up inside of me.
We continued on, silence blanketing us like the snow did. I led our group of four, pushing myself to keep walking. Honestly, I didn't even have the will to fight anymore. Why were we even going to France anyway? What was the point of all this? Just so Trevor would end up dead either way we looked at it?
I stopped. Derrick, Sam, and Angeli passed right by me and haulted themselves when they saw me freeze in place.
"Something wrong?" Sammy asked, brushing a tangle of hair behind her tucked away ear. Her expression was one of worry, but she had always trusted my judgement.
"What am I doing...?" I asked in return, cringing slightly at the developing ache that was beginning to take over me. My nervous system was shut down, but I could still sense these aches. There were many of them, to make things short and sweet.
"What do you mean?" Derrick looked me over, noticing how my hands had become clammy and shook slightly.
"I've been traveling to some place I don't even know, to find someone I don't know anymore, with people I can barely trust..." I watched their expressions darken.
"You don't trust us?" Angeli hissed between clenched teeth. I began to shake even more. My body trembled immensely, knowing that their cold stares would be what I would see if I looked up.
"He doesn't mean that." Sam realized. "It's the mourn that's talking. It's taken over him now and... His head's just not screwed on right." She stuck with that theory and slowly made her way over to where I remained, staring at the swirls of the snowflakes with a far-away sadness.
"I just don't-" Angeli squeaked out, seeming to be losing control of her emotions. When Sam tried to reach out at my arm, my senses knocked themselves back in and I quickly stepped away from her.
"Don't touch me." I growled. She stared at me with hurt eyes, but mine looked back at her with a coldness that froze below the temperature of the snow. Soon, I was being stared at by all three of them. I wouldn't budge and neither would they. I refused to move forward and forced myself to stay planted to the same exact spot.
"This is your plan?" Derrick asked me with a bitter voice. "You're just going to give up? Are you really going to leave things like this and never find out why your brother did the things he did?" I narrowed my eyes into two fire-colored slits. I suspected him to be mocking me, expecting me to not give up when I had lost the core reason to keep going. My thoughts had only one thing in mind: I had to take down what wanted to take me down. I swung at Derrick and punched him across the cheek, bruising my knuckles in the process.
"Don't you dare tell me that this isn't the right thing to do." I spoke in a low voice. Derrick had fallen to the ground and Samantha was helping him up. Someone was still watching me, however. I shifted my fiery gaze to the right and Angeli glared at me with sharp blue eyes.
"You guys go on ahead." She said to the others. "Find a place to stay and leave a trail for us to follow. Mathias and I need to talk." Sam looked down at Derrick and he looked up at me.
"Will do." He murmured, standing up softly. He knew that his words weren't the right thing to have said. A mark on his left cheek was left on his face as he walked away with Samantha. My own emotions were going way out of control, to the point where I had hurt somebody without realizing it. I watched them until their silhouettes disappeared into the mists of the unknown, not knowing what I had just done.
I grinned, relieved that I didn't have to worry about them anymore and turned to start heading in the opposite direction. I was stopped by a smallish figure before I could take a step. I stared down at the blue eyes that were shut into two straight lines. "Move." I ordered, making my eyes match hers.
"Sure, right after you tell me exactly what's on your mind." She crossed her arms and looked up at me with a defiant look on her face. I let out a feral growl before grabbing her by the wrists and bringing her face close to mine. Our foreheads touched as I stared at her eyes with such anger, I was surprised that I hadn't dared to hurt her like I did with Derrick. She looked back at me, but with fear. I couldn't help myself but snicker at this. She could act brave, but she surely wasn't.
"M-Mathias-"
I interrupted her plea and rested my cheek against hers, where my mouth was placed beside her ear. I whispered softly, "Don't test me Angeline. You wouldn't want to tangle with the brother of a murderer, now would you?" She tensed up and a shimmer of satisfaction reached my lips. I drew out a cold breath and tightened my grip on her wrists. "But if you'd prefer to know what's on my mind," I pulled away from her and lifted her chin so she would face me. "I could always just show you." A devilish smile formed on my once-innocent smirk.
"Then do it. Show me what's making you so evil, so angry, and so hopeless." She responded in a light tone, the fear melting away from her. Shock replaced my suddenly malicious personality and I stared at her with wondering eyes.
"Angeli?" I released my hands from her wrists, which i had grabbed again, and furrowed my brows in confusion. My head's echoing pounds thundered in my ears, but the pain that would've reached my senses never came. "I... What...?" I swayed my head to the sides, as if to clear my mind, but that obviously didn't work.
"Yes?" She raised an eyebrow at me, which led me to feel looked down upon.
"Did I do something wrong?" My eyes pleaded like the ones of a lost puppy. Before she could answer for me, two and two instantly clicked. "My god... How crazy am I?" I closed my eyes and rested a hand on my forehead.
"Do you not remember? You went all emotionless, punched Derrick, screamed at us, scared me-" I interrupted her and quickly wrapped my arms around her.
"I'm no better than my brother." I trembled. "I just lost it completely... All because he died and I never knew what really happened to him." Slowly, I felt her arms meet each other across my lower back.
"But... You don't know what just happened...?" Her voice was struck with bewilderment, but I just tightened my grip around her, resting my chin on the top of her red-haired head. She sighed lightly and patted my back as if to comfort me.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered, still shaking at my horrifying realization. "Why does this happen to me...?"
"What?" She looked up at me, a distance forming across her face.
"I lose my mind when everything goes wrong." I replied in a soft tone, a dimness fading away in my once angry eyes. "Somehow, it means to me that I've lost everything. This time, I really have lost all meaning to keep trying..."
"You haven't lost everything yet. You still have us. You still have me." She smiled, hoping to cheer me up. It sort of worked, but I still felt empty on the inside. "I don't understand what just happened, but you can explain to me on the way. We need to catch up to Sam and Derrick." I nodded, unable to say anything more.
It felt and seemed like my shredded soul had healed. The scars were still there, but they wouldn't always hurt. We released from our hug and I stared down at her with admiring eyes. I couldn't smile, but the hope was still there. I couldn't explain how much she really meant to me, but she knew it just as well as everyone else apparently did.
"Let's go," She urged me on, but I realized something. She was now wearing a jacket and she no longer had cuts on her face. Her pale complexion was restored and only one question resided in my mind.
Just how much had truly happened?