📕Author: kindEmpress
📕Story Title: Minstrelsy: A Poetry
📕Critic Member: Khalessi (messiah-)
Paalala:
📖 Ang mga ipapahayag dito ay base sa personal kong kaalaman at opinyon. Please take it constructively because I will try to be honest. Tibayan po ang loob
📖You are welcome to leave a comment about your reaction or contradictions.
📖Dahil poetry compilation siya, the whole critique format may be a bit different.
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💥Book Cover:
For the book cover, I think it's nice. Simple but clean. I would rate it as an average cover when it comes to impact and relevance but overall, I don't think that you need to change it.
💥Title: Minstrelsy: A Poetry
Let me guess. Sponsored by thesaurus ba siya? Anyway it's very unique. Maganda rin dahil I know it's related to poetry but it is not a direct synonym. Because whenever you try to look for the immediate meaning of the word it always points you to a performance of minstrels. Or maybe a bunch of African-Americans singing. Or maybe a Germanic and Slavic traditional performance, who know. Siguro depende sa context. Anyway it's fine.
Is it unique? Yes! Very unique. Is it relevant? Yes. Is it memorable? Honestly no. Not really. It's pretty but not catchy enough for the market.
Sa mga individual entries naman tayo. So far maayos naman ang pamagat nila. Connected naman sa content. But again when it comes to impact and leaving an impression, it's too average for me.
💥Vision:
Let's talk about your vision for your individual entries. Ano nga ba ang intention mo sa mga tula na ito? So when we talk about poetic vision, is it a narrative like Poe's The Raven? Is it descriptive like Bells? Is it for comparison like Sic Vitta? Is it heart breaking like the works of Silvia Plath or Lang Leav?
So far, I think that the main intent of your poems is soley for self expression. I must say that it is direct and relatable. Sometimes though I think that you drabble too much and it tends to stray away from the original intent when you started. It's really nice when you finish strong with these entries. Especially the Filipino ones. I think your intent was clearly delivered.
Para sa mga individual entries mo I have mix feelings. Take for example your entry "I'm just a girl" is very well intentioned. Very relatable especially for girls your age. But it can also be contradicting. You started strong with all these empowering and self acceptance concept. Beinh able to have ambition and dreams even though you are not perfect. Then it went straight downhill from there.
You ended with a very contradicting statement about not getting what you deserve and feeling like a failure all the time? What ever happened to the girl who opened this entry? The thinh is it is not a narrative so it's a bit hard to grasp the contradiction in your very own intent.
Same goes with girl I'm sorry. I think overall it is a great piece. You expressed yourself nicely. Pero may ibang mga lines na nalilihis or perspective na wala talagang kinalaman sa mismong vision mo. It feels like it started as an insecure girl giving this speech like, "yeah I get it. I won't be like you. But it's fine. I will stay true to myself because I don't want to be mean and angry."
Then all of a sudden it's like a mean and angry girl took over the whole persona. The way you delivered it, made me feel like the vision was you becoming this girl that you hate the most. It's ok, siguro kaunting organization of ideas pa. One thing though, I can tell that its made witg raw emotions and it reflected to your poem.
💥Language
Based on what I've read, you prefer your poetry specific and concrete with diction ranging from medium to high. Ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin io dito?
I'm not referring to the language such as English or Filipino. I'm refering to how you chose words to signify your thoughts. This will be the building block of your piece.
I have noticed that you tend to be very direct. What it is, is what it should be. In short concrete diction. Most times your choice of words are also denotations, the dictionary equivalent. Sinabi ko na rin kanina na direct ang intent mo. It's ok if your sole purpose is just get your point across. But poetry is meant to have emotional, psychological, and sociological overtones. It will be very hard for denotation alone.
Wala rin gaanong deep jargons or maybe sociooogical slang which is fine foe your chosen audience. Young pre-teens. Where the reading material is easier to digest.
But as you grow as a writer, a poet you need to be able to write a compact peice and still peel several layers off of it. Take as a reading material The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. It is a narrative about a raven trying to pry into his room. All throughout the first half of it he referred "MY" chamber door. But all along he was eccentric enough not to realize that the "Raven" or death is not out to get him. It was there for Leonore. As it swoops away her soul he can only shout Leonore. Or maybe he is just hallucinating or most times he's drunk.
Anyway balik sa language. There is nothing wrong with choosing concrete dialect. It is where most of us start but words are so much more if you add context to them and rearrange them in a way that it can be decoded to many many more possible narratives.
💥Voice and Tone:
It refers to the shaping of attitude in poetry. In your book I can say that the overall tone of it was again expressive young girl. That's it.
Dito ko rin ako nagkaroon ng background at idea kung gaano ba talaga ka self-aware ang speaker. And based on it, maybe suggestion ko, hmmm learn to explore and take chances. Not just just textbook eloquence.
By the tone of your entries I can tell that you are exceptionally smart, very God fearing, diligent, and family-oriented and at the same time caged. What I mean by this, you are too caged on the basics. There are a million more smart little girls in that symbolic cage. You need to step by step break your way out of it.
Again, your readers should be able to decode several layers of yourself. Are you quick on sarcasm? What comparisons do you often associate common things with? What color is your sky? How many dimensions can you take us to?
Honestly the book was good. But it was not diversed enough to attract someone who is not part of the pre-teens to teens demographic.
💥Imagery:
With all honesty I like the Filipino entries more when it comes to imagery.
We both know that unlike prose fiction, poetry is compact, mettered and most times constricting. So you just have to make use of every tool at your disposal to make an impact with such limited medium.
How? The answer would be effective imagery and figurative language. Sa apat na tula mo ang dalawang pinakahuli ang mas nakitaan ko nito. Kahit panakanaka lang at least meron.
In imagery you can use sight, olfactory, tactile or any approach to make your piece memorable. Hindi ko rin gaanong nakita ang gamit ng metaphor, simile, paradox, personification, allegory, repetition, synechdoche. Siguro isa sa dahilan na hindi gaanong makapa ang mga nabanggit ko dahil sa masyadong limitado ka pa sa concrete at specific language. In order to be effective in this aspect you need to be abstract and general on your vision and appeal to us in an emotional degree. That is what makes an entry poetic.
Here is an example of a poem for study. May little activity ako. How do you feel about this?
The Naked and The Nude
By Robert Graves
For me, the naked and the nude
(By lexicographers construed
As synonyms that should express
The same deficiency of dress
Or shelter) stand as wide apart
As love from lies, or truth from art.
Lovers without reproach will gaze
On bodies naked and ablaze;
The Hippocratic eye will see
In nakedness, anatomy;
And naked shines the Goddess when
She mounts her lion among men.
The nude are bold, the nude are sly
To hold each treasonable eye.
While draping by a showman's trick
Their dishabille in rethoric,
They grin a mock-religious grin
Of scorn at those of naked skin.
The naked, therefore, who compete
Against the nude may know defeat;
Yet when they both together tread
The briary pastures of the dead,
By Gorgons with long whips pursued,
How naked go the sometimes nude.
Comment mo dito ang impression mo sa peom ⏩⏩⏩
💥Structure (meter, rhyme, rhythm)
Ok para dito hindi ko na iisa-isahin kakabilang ang syllables at feet mo. Kasi nga naman contemporary time na tayo. Who's counting right?
I just want to impart that in poetry less is more. Read it out loud then find out where to put stress where to linger. That's when you know if the rhythm of the poem is good or off.
Minsan kita ko rin na may mga elaborate clauses na nagpapadagdag sakit ulo. Read it out loud. Does it screw your rhythm? If so get rid of it or rearrange it. In poetry you don't need to flood so much words and explain yourself in concrete language. That is prose. In poetry you let your readers interpret your tone and perform your craft through rhythm.
For free-form poetry like yours, where metter, feet, and rhyme patterns are not really strict, it is also hard to keep your rhythm. Pero importante kasi ito. For centuries, poets used these tools to imortalize their works. Psychologically works with a good rhyme pattern and rhythm makes your readers remember you easier without even trying. Try to search up Halsey's Spoken poetry during the Women's March in New York 2018. If you disregard the meter and focus on the rhythm, it makes a whole lot of impact.
For the rhyming, I can say na mas consistent na siya compared sa mga dating versions at mas structured na rin ang mga stanzas mo. The rhymes are ok. But sometimes they fall on the 4R's: Rakehelly route of ragged rhymes other English poets call it cliche rhymes or easy rhymes. They are the type of syllables that just appear too textbook that they limit your actual ability to think of more ways to arrange your thoughts. That's fine. Everyone just has these moments. May time rin na magaganda ang pagkakalagay. So ayon more practice pa. So far it's a good start. Try to learn more about rhyming patterns and meters. Meron tayong exact rhyming, inexact rhyming, sight rhyming, near, half, off, slant, analyzed rhyming and many many more aproaches. Para maiwasan ang 4R's. Kapag sipagin ka search mo na lang.
💥Technicalities:
So far, sa grammar at spelling wala naman akong problema. Dahil malinis naman ang pagkakasulat mo. May mga iilan lang akong gustong punain.
📌 una bakit naka-colon ang tag mo? It serves as a dialogue tag. P'wede naman na i-replace na lang siya with a comma.
📌Na-notice ko na bigla ka ng shift ng perspective and started talking about yourself in the third POV then slams back in to first POV. Siguro pili ka na lang ng isa para mas fluid siya.
📌repetitive na masyado ang but at naging blurry na ang buong construction. Repetition is good for poetry if they are meaningful words or sounds to draw in emphasis.
📌with confidence, small as an elf.
Another example of less is more. Kapag may words ka na pwede ma omit kunin mo na. Hindi naman magbabago ang delivery kunin mo na.
📌isa ito sa mga sinabi ko na unnecessary elaborate clauses. Suggestions:
I'm just a girl, But things aren't always whay they seem.
📌kunin mo na rin ang semi colon. Kung p'wede ma replace ng comma avoid semi-colons. Applicable lang siya kapag gusto mo maglagay ng series pf compound clauses
📌I'd rather be slain
📌Yes, I'm smarter, but you claim that you're better.
📌Oh! What's the matter?
(Again compact and emotional)
📌hindi/ 'di
📌...ako?" tanong ko sa sarili.
Dialogue tag pa rin siya. Kasi nirefer kung sino ang nagtanong.
💥Conclusion (strength and needs improvement):
I think that you have a lot of potential. Especially dahil mas suitable ang mga younger readers siya. Siguro kaunting practice pa para sa organization of ideas at figurative language. I highly suggest you read and read more. If you want to improve more on poetry try to study a wide range of pieces from contemporary amd modern poets and classic masters.
Rating: 3.5
I think that you are smart and very talented. Halata na may potential ka lalo na kapag mas napag-aralan at nahasa. Siguro ngayon masyado pang constrained at mas suitable siya sa younger readers. You can alway Lea n to be diverse with the right material and a lot of practice. Good luck!
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Message from Critic Mentor Khalessi:
Hi be! So ayun nga ang tagal-tagal na nito. Pasensya na at ngayon lang. Hehehe. Anyway matagal ko na to inumpisahan actually. At ilang beses ko pa siya binasa. Ngayon ko lang natapos. 'Wag sana dibdibin kung may mga katanungan ka man or mga gusto iclarify dahil ang gulo ko magsalita just let me know.
More power! Good luck!