[Sorry for the long hiatus! Enjoy!]
"Wait, who's that guy? Do you think he remembers?"
"Doesn't matter, Jackson, I'll tell you later. And don't you dare tell him anything, Chanyeol told me to-"
"Guys?" Baekhyun sat in his bed with eyes barely open and a nerve-racking headache, looking at two blurry images who's voices suddenly died down.
"Baek! How long have you been awake?" Namjoon asked hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck.
"You two just woke me up." Baekhyun mumbled, pressing his palm against his temple.
"Since you're already here Joon, you two can talk about whatever you have, I gotta go to practice." Jackson started stuffing his swimming equipment in his bag. Before Namjoon could protest, the blond swimmer was gone.
Sighing, Namjoon directed his attention back on Baekhyun, who had his eyes closed again even though he was sitting.
"Um, B-baek?"
"Mhm?"
"Do you, uh... Do you by chance remember how you got back here last night? Or what you did?"
On his words Baekhyun opened his eyes and his eyebrows furrowed. He thought about it, trying to recall anything that happened after he had lost his three friends in a crowd on the party. However, his mind was completely blank, so he shook his head.
"Oh, then-"
"I do remember dreaming something wierd." he said suddenly, when an image that made his cheeks tint rosy pink popped up in his mind. Rough hands, fervent lips and husky whispers.
"What...was it?"
"I dreamt of Chanyeol." Baekhyun whispered, staring at his fingers. "About him and I... sleeping together."
"Oh." Namjoon let out weakly.
Baekhyun groaned and fell back on the bed.
"I couldn't live with myself if I actually did it."
Namjoon looked at him, biting his lip. He felt like he was holding Baekhyun's happiness in his hands. One wrong word and it could crash. He held onto the promise given to Chanyeol the night before. He didn't agree, he couldn't agree with Chanyeol's decision, but it was none of his business to interfere with.
Namjoon's palms were sweating as he stole glances from the girl across the room. He had a bottle of beer in his hand, enough to give him courage, but he still hesitated as he sighed every time Lily laughed or flipped her fiery red hair. He had had a crush on her ever since he saw her for the first time in the gym with her dance crew. He also couldn't get himself to approach her ever since, but kept watching from afar and purposely coming to his own practice earlier just to watch hers. Finally have gathered courage to start a conversation, he started walking in her direction, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"What?!" he flinched in annoyance, but when he saw a worried face, messy clothes and ruffled hair of the person before him, his eyebrows furrowed and expression softened.
"Are you Namjoon?" the man asked.
"C-chanyeol?" Namjoon stuttered. It was the Chanyeol, Baekhyun's Chanyeol, and there were hickeys all over his neck and...
Namjoon's eyes widened.
"W-where's Baekhyun? What did you two do? Oh God-"
"Come with me." Chanyeol said and pulled him by the forearm before he could protest. Once they went upstairs Chanyeol stood in front of one room. He pulled his fingers through his hair and sighed heavily.
"We...I did a mistake." he raised his gaze and Namjoon spotted tears glistening in his eyes like crystals.
"Please, take care of him... And if- if he doesn't remember what happened tomorrow, don't tell him." Chanyeol was almost pleading.
"B-but he..."
"Please. It will devastate him." the taller's voice broke.
Namjoon looked at him, thinking to himself if Baekhyun was aware he had someone who loved him that much.
"Why do you two keep doing this to yourselves?" he couldn't help but ask. "You both love each other, so why-"
"You just said it." Chanyeol's smile was like shattered glass. "Because we love each other too much, and yet we keep hurting each other. We keep making wrong choices."
"Then make a right one." Namjoon gripped his arm when the latter was about to leave.
"The right choice is on Baekhyun to make. I'll always be waiting, whenever he decides to come back."
Namjoon watched as Chanyeol walked down the stairs, leaving him with a burden of lies that they now had to share.
"What did you feel in that dream?" Namjoon asked carefully, serching for an answer in Baekhyun's eyes.
"I won't judge you, Baek." he added as he saw Baekhyun hesitating.
Baekhyun closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
"I... I felt so... hungry. Like I was finally given something I had wanted for so long. I couldn't get enough of him, I was going mad." he said in quaky voice.
Namjoon kept his hand on Baekhyun's back, massaging his shoulderblade to help him ease his tensed body. He felt Baekhyun inhale deeply, letting out a heavy sigh a moment later.
"It felt right." Baekhyun finally looked at Namjoon, unable to help a shy smile appearing in the corner of his lips at the thought of Chanyeol holding him, kissing him and making his every nerve oversensitive to his touch.
"Baekhyun... Do you love Jaebum?" Namjoon asked in a firm voice, demanding for an answer.
"I-"
He hesitated.
An overwhelming shock hit him at the realization. He had said those words to Jaebum before, but now, if he said them it would've felt like a lie.
"I don't know." he whispered, eyes filling with tears. He didn't know why it made him feel so bad. He felt like he was forgetting something.
"Let me give you an advice, Baek." Namjoon placed his hand on Baekhyun's thigh.
"You don't owe anything to anyone. You don't owe Jaebum staying with him or Chanyeol getting back with him. Think of who you want more. Who has made you feel happier and who you're willing to risk anything for. And I bet you already know the answer, you're just too scared to face it. Whatever you decide, Baek, I'll stand next to you. You'll never be left alone, I promise."
Both boys had tears glistening on their eyes, and it was Baekhyun who let out a sob first, falling into the other's embrace.
He remembered Junmyeon who would've done and said exactly the same thing. Kyungsoo, who was trying to convince him to put himself first from the start. It seemed that it took three people to get it to his head.
"Thank you, Joon..." he barely said in-between the sobs. "Thank you..."
Namjoon just caressed his back, whispering it'll be good over and over again.
----
"So, you wanted to talk?"
Baekhyun was standing in front of sweaty Jaebum who had his training robes on and a towel around his neck.
They were at the gym, surrounded by more sweaty basketball players, the familiar sound of ball slamming against the floor and trainers gliding against it.
"Maybe not here. Somewhere private." Baekhyun said, looking around.
It had been two weeks since Baekhyun's and Namjoon's conversation. During those two weeks, he didn't exactly avoid Jaebum, but he took his time to think about everything, which meant spending a little less time around him. He thought it over and over, weighting pros and cons and wondering how Jaebum would take it and at the end, what it would make them. He didn't want to loose the basketball player as a friend but he was aware that he might.
He led Jaebum out of the gym, inside the locker room.
"What is it?" Jaebum sat on a bench, looking at Baekhyun with anticipation.
Baekhyun sighed, pulling his fingers through his hair nervously. There was no right way to say something like that.
There was a prolonged moment of silence, before...
"We should break up."
He finally gathered courage to look Jaebum right in the eyes, and he didn't think it would hurt that much. Jaebum's eyes looked at him like little shining cristals, full of shock.
"W-what?"
"It doesn't feel the same anymore." Baekhyun whispered, not finding a better reason to give to the broken boy before him. Jaebum did nothing wrong, anyway. The only real reason was Chanyeol and he wasn't ready to tell him that just yet. At least not who it was.
There was no response from his boyfriend. Baekhyun was prepared for it, thought. He hated the cruciating silence, but he knew Jaebum would never shout at him or let him see how hurt he was. Baekhyun wished he would, because the silence was killing him.
Jaebum had his face burried in his palms. Baekhyun looked at him, biting his lip.
"Say something." he whispered nervously.
He heard Jaebum sigh before getting up and finally looking straight at Baekhyun. To the volleyball setter, it felt like he could see right through him, read his every secret and emotion.
"I knew this was coming. I hoped I was wrong, every time you'd back away when I'd touch you, giving me a lame excuse like being tired. I've known all along, but I guess I was just convincing myself this moment wouldn't come. At least not this soon."
"Jae-" Baekhyun didn't cry, but his chest felt heavy. So heavy that it made him wanna scream out, let go of all that weight that pressed it.
"I don't blame you, Baek. I can't force you to love me. All along I needed you more than you needed me. It was obvious, but yet one of the things I didn't want to see."
Baekhyun could see Jaebum tried hard to stay composed and keep his emotions inside. Like he always did. He would always listen about Baekhyun's bad days, comfort him with kisses or distract him with taking him out to eat. He'd always welcome him with a smile, even tired after practice when Baekhyun would come to wait for him to have dinner together. He was ready to collect Baekhyun's pieces if he broke down, but he didn't want to show his own. He glued them himself secretly, careful not to make Baekhyun notice.
Jaebum was ready to give Baekhyun everything, and Baekhyun would give everything to Jaebum, too. Everything, except for his heart.
It was just now, seeing how hard Jaebum tried to deal with breakup as naturally as when he'd listen to Baekhyun talk about how his knee treatments were painful, when Baekhyun realised that that's how it's been throughout their whole relationship.
"It's okay. Don't worry, I'll be fine." he gave Baekhyun a forced, broken smile. He tapped his shoulder and walked out of the locker room, leaving Baekhyun with even more burden on his chest than before.
Jaebum didn't ask for a reason.
-----
"Push through it, Wang!"
The swimming coach kept shouting for Jackson to swim harder. Jackson was the top swimmer in his year, and to Baekhyun, who was sitting on a bench next to the pool where Jackson and some other first-year are training, it wasn't not a surprise.
Honestly, he had no idea why he chose to sit through Jackson's two and a half hours long training and breathe in chlorine (which he couldn't understand why Jackson claimed to be his favorite smell in the universe).
He only knew that he didn't want to be left alone with his own thoughts, so after his practice ended and both Namjoon and Hoseok were busy, he tagged along with his roommate.
Still, he couldn't seem to stop anxiously tapping his fingers against his phone.
He didn't have Chanyeol's new American number saved, so instead he spent all his spare time for the past few days staring at his Facebook account. Chanyeol's profile picture was still one from junior year in high school, in his volleyball uniform from his previous school. Baekhyun had no idea if Chanyeol even still had access to that account, but it was the only shot he had.
His fingers acted on their own, because he'd given up letting his brain decide anymore. That would only lead to overthinking and getting back to square one.
Send a message.
An empty writing section appeared in front of him. His palms started sweating. Baekhyun felt like a teenager who was going through his first crush, analyzing and weighing every word before writing it.
He didn't know how Chanyeol would react. The last time they had seen each other, Chanyeol kissed him, bringing back every regret Baekhyun had because of leaving him. He said he'd wait for all the time Baekhyun needed to come back to him. Baekhyun shivered at the mere thought of that moment, and without a second more of thinking, he started typing.
He wrote simple message, laid his phone on his lap and took in a deep breath. It was done.
All he could do now was wait.
---
U GUYS
I actually updated I can't believe it myself
I have such a block with this story and can't decide how to end it so don't be mad at me
What are your expectations of the ending? Or even better, do you have some idea how YOU would end it if you were me?
Let me know in the comments!
xoxo, Eun Ji