📕Requester: engrmarshmallow
📕Title: The Gifted
📕Critic Mentor: SyzygyWP
📍Ang lahat ng iyong mga mababasa rito'y pawang mga opinyon ko lamang. Bagama't meron akong sinusundang "guidelines", malaya ka pa ring gumawa ng sarili mong pagsasaliksik kung ika'y may agam-agam sa'king mga iminungkahi.
📍Ika-una hanggang ikalimang kabanata lamang ng obra mo ang binasa ko para sa pagbibigay ng kritiko. Gayunpaman, nawa'y makatulong ako upang mas lalong umunlad at malinang ang iyong kakayahan sa larangan ng pagsusulat.
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💥Book Cover:
To put this bluntly, I find your cover a little bit awkward... Why?
Sa ginamit mong pabalat, ang unang-una ko talagang napansin (yung mga ulap talaga yung nakakatawag-pansin) ay yung ilang parte ng kalangitang kulay kahel. Speaking of colors, alam mo ba na ang isang kulay ay may iba't ibang kahulugan? As a former Psychology Student, napag-aralan namin noon ang kahulugan ng iba't ibang kulay.
The color orange resembles the following attributes: joy, warmth, heat, sunshine, enthusiasm, creativity, success, encouragement, change, determination, health, stimulation, happiness, fun, enjoyment, balance, sexuality, freedom, expression, fascination, et cetera.
You may be wondering why the hell I'm discussing this topic. And if I read your mind correctly, I bet you're probably saying something like this, "Drop the lessons freak, just go straight to the point!"
Okay. Dahil karamihan sa kahulugan ng kulay kahel ay puro positive traits, it's safe to assume that "that thinking" is applicable on your novel. Given that the main protagonist (Jace/Jayson) is possessing the given qualities, bakit nakakakita siya ng mga dark entities? Isn't it ironic for a positive man, drawing negative energies? I'm not saying that Jayce/Jayson, seeing entites is irrational. My point is hindi swak yung cover sa mismong kwento... Hope you'd get my point. Might as well share this to you. Baka makatulong sa' yo.
Ang isa pang napansin ko is yung old penname (Ever Blue) na nakasulat sa cover mo where in fact, engrmarshmallow na yung current penname mo. I do really suggests to change your cover. It can really cause confusions to your readers.
💥Title:
I was once a bloody reader. So the title "The Gifted" is not pleasing to me. Unang basa ko pa lang sa title, alam ko na kaagad kung ano ang magiging takbo ng kwento. It's all about a certain man/woman who can see what others can't.
Hindi ko na iisa-isahin yung mga tips and/or techniques to come up with a unique title dahil marami nang nakapagsulat ng entry tungkol 'dyan. You can search all over the Internet. Or you can simply search here in Wattpad.
💥Opening:
Wala kang naisulat na Prologue, Blurb, or any traditional ways to start a novel. So therefore, I conclude that the commencement of your novel is the "Zero" part. At habang binabasa ko yung first part ng novel mo, natutuwa lang ako. The setting in this particular scene is also refreshing for me.
***I'm gonna tell more about this one in Setting.
Ang isa pang nagustuhan ko rito ay ang galing mo sa paglalapat ng emosyon sa kwento. Bukod kasi sa kwento, isang factor din na kailangan mong i-consider ay ang pagpaparamdam ng emosyon. Yung tipong mararamdaman ng mambabasa mo yung nararamdaman 'o pinaglalaban ng character/s mo. Just like the female protagonist, mag e-exert siya ng effort para lang sa pangarap niya. (Which is the Dr. J Coffee Shop.)
Adding or putting some of the author's personal touch on his/her masterpiece can be inspiring to others. Who knows, one of your readers thank you for doing so. Goodjob for this one!
💥Conflict:
Based from the first few parts of your novel, meron na 'kong nakitang notable conflicts sa loob ng kwento.
Main Conflict/s:
-Yung mag-bestfriend ay mahilig um-attend ng coffee con.
- Gustong makita/mahanap ng main protagonist si Jace/Jayson.
-Gustong makita/mahanap ni Jace/Jayson yung tunay niyang ina.
Pero syempre, hindi lang naman 'dyan nalilimitahan ang mangyayaring gulo 'o problema sa isang kwento. Actually okay 'yang ginawa mo. Early phase pa lang ng kwento, meron nang "goal" yung mga main character/s mo.
You are good in introducing premise. There's no doubt about it. Pero may isa lang akong concern: sana lahat ng mga iniwanan or ginawa mong mga katanungan sa loob ng kwento'y maresolba mo.
💥Plot:
This was supposed to be attached in other section, but ended up writing it here since somehow they're affiliated on each other. So let me ask you this one thing... "Ano ba talaga ang Genre ng libro mo?"
May nakasulat na fantasy-romance yung Genre sa mismong Cover, Book Description & Author's Note (The Gifted), pero may nakasulat din naman na under Mystery/Thriller yung Genre ng libro 'nung sumali ka sa AutumnAwardsPH & PenAwards. Yung totoo, okay ka lang?
Nonetheless, para sa' kin ay ayos naman yung plot. Pero kung tutuusin, may mas iaaayos pa yung plot, pero tingin ko'y unahin mo na munang ayusin kung ano ba talaga yung Genre ng libro mo. Kung Fantasy-Romance ba or Mystery/Thriller.
💥Setting:
Dito mas sumakit ang ulo ko. Seriously. Kinailangan ko pang basahin ng ilang ulit yung libro mo para lang ma-gets yung pagkasunod-sunod ng mga pangyayari sa loob ng kwento.
Sa unang chapter (Zero), yung female protagonist ay nasa Meeting Place ng tour company nila't nakikipag-usap siya kay Lena through call. To cut the long story short, pinutol na niya yung tawag at sumakay na sa bus. Then there's this one guy na tinanong niya kung, "may nakaupo ba dito?"
Sa pangalawang chapter (One), na-resume yung main place, which is the bus. Aside from Lena, hindi pa natin alam kung ano ba ang names ng bawat characters kasi nga wala pa namang nagpakilala directly or indirectly. So the readers will likely to assume that Lena's bestfriend is the one who sitted beside the guy.
Tapos nagulat na lang ako na iba pala yung taong sumakay na katabi ni Jace/Jayson sa bus. Late ko na lang din na-realize na katrabaho niya pala 'to. So you see, nakakalito yung construction mo ng scenes. Parehas din sila ng main place (bus), kaya akala namin ay magkadugtong lang yung scene sa first and second chapter. Please fix that error. Muntikan na 'kong magpa-admit sa Mental Hospital dahil halos mabaliw ako sa nabasa ko.
I would also like to elaborate further the details on your first scene. 'Yung nasa Meeting Place yung female protagonist, (I didn't have a chance to decipher her real name. My bad.) 'twas actually refreshing to me, in a way that hindi siya gaanong overused. Segregated ka sa cliché. Nakakatuwa lang, kasi parang nag-e-emit siya ng aura na "blisfulness". Very refreshing, kasi mukhang masaya yung ambiance ng lugar.
Though hindi mo nakuhang i-describe ng maayos yung lugar. You need to explain the said place vividly. What makes it a lively place? What can you draw on it? Who is there? And the likes... Ang downside lang niya is kinulang ka sa description. The good thing is the readers will provide the lacked details just by imagining the said place. Ang mga tao kasi, kapag napukaw nila ang atensyon nila sa isang bagay, they will tend to seek more to someone/something.
💥Characterization:
I don't have an objection to your two main female protagonist. (Lena and her bestfriend). Kaso nalalambutan lang ako sa dalawang male characters mo: Nate & Jace/Jayson.
This is not Jace/Jayson's direct dialogue. But because of this passage, lumalambot yung karakter niya. Nagiging lembot. 'Di naman kasi sapat na sasabihin mo lang na, "Ako ay lalaki. Merong balls and hotdog." Hindi sufficient yun. It seems superficial. Ang tawag sa ganyan ay "4th Wall". I'll discuss it later.
Punta muna tayo kay Nate. Let's observe his choice of words:
Some of you may not see anything wrong with that. Pero ako, nababaklaan ako. I almost puked when I tried to imagine a certain guy, telling me that sick line. Hindi ko minamaliit ang mga babae. Hence, I do believe in gender equality. But as a guy, hindi makatotohanan yung maging dependent sa mga simpleng bagay. Ang mga lalaki (for most cases) ay flexible at independent.
To sum it up, malambot 'o malamya yung dalawang male characters. Pero hindi lang naman nalilimitahan sa choice of words yung pagpapa-astig ng isang character. You can make them cool by means of their gestures, beliefs or stands in life, et cetera.
💥Dialogue:
Okay naman 'yung dialogue mo. So since I don't have much to tell about this one, dito ko na lang ilalagay yung sinasabi ko kaninang "4th Wall."
So basically, ano nga ba ang 4th Wall? I don't know if you already know this one, but I'll discuss it anyway. Ang terminolohiyang "4th Wall" ay ginagamit sa mga media, particularly on the theater. Kumbaga parang borderline 'yon ng interaction between the portrayer and the audience/s.
Keeping that logic, kapag nakipag-interact ang mismong author sa reader/s, magiging "Breaking the 4th Wall" na 'yon.
E.g.
"Ang gwapo ko, 'di ba?"
- Kapag nabasa mo ang word na "di ba", parang nanghihingi ka ng simpatya sa mga readers mo na dapat paniwalaan niyo ako.
"Hi! Ako nga pala si insert-name, age, and all that..."
A/N: Ang daldal mo! Dumiretso ka na lang sa kwento!"
"Epal ka talagang otor ka! Lumayas ka na nga dito!"
- Pakikipag-usap ng author sa mismong character niya sa kwento is also called Breaking the 4th Wall.
Breaking the 4th Wall is best when it's used in comedic purposes. Kaso kino-consider mo rin yung gamit mong POV dito. Kaya kung puro ka Breaking the 4th Wall, gumamit ka na lang ng 2nd Person POV.
💥Point of View:
This is going to be concise, but accurate and precise.
Since you are using 3rd Person's POV, please be consistent on using your Tenses. Meron akong nakitang sablay sa Tenses. Just find them.
TIP: Kapag 3rd Person's POV ang gamit mo, laging Past Tense ang gagamitin mo. Kapag naman 1st Person's POV, puro Present Tense ang gagamitin mo.
💥Show vs. Tell:
Ang pagsasabi mo ng "nagpalipas siya ng oras sa mall-" ay walang pinagkaiba sa signage na "Starbucks", "Mall of Asia" and the likes. Parang lumulutang lang yung character mo sa mall. Ano 'yun, siya lang mag-isang naglalakad? Tapos mayamaya, nasa park na siya kaagad. Amazing.
Yung mga bagay na hinihingian ng elaboration, dinaanan mo lang. Yung mga bagay naman na pwedeng dadaanan lang, hindi mo nilagyan ng description. Alam kong alam mo na ang pagkakaiba ng Show vs. Tell kaya hindi ko na 'yun di-discuss sa' yo. What you need to do is to learn when to use Show or when to use Tell.
💥Format of the Text:
Okay. Sabi na eh, may nakalimutan akong idagdag. Dito ko na lang lalagay... Nagkakaroon ka ng issue sa paggamit ng Dialogue Tags & Action Tags... Iba't iba ang klase at style sa paggamit ng Dialogue Tags & Action Tags. Pwedeng nasa unahan, nasa gitna, or nasa hulihan.
- DIALOGUE TAGS: Bago matapos ang isang sentence 'o pangungusap, maglagay sa dulo ng alinman sa mga sumusunod: Comma, Question Mark, Exclamation Point. (, ? !) At sa kasunod na salita, dapat maliit lang ang unang titik nito.
E.g. "Tara, stroll tayo," sabi ni Bryan.
- ACTION TAGS: Just like the Dialogue Tags, parehas lang silang nagdidikta sa kung sino at kung ano ang ginagawa ng isang karakter. The only difference is that after you ended the sentence with a period (.), the very first letter on the next sentence should be in uppercase.
E.g. "Ayokong mag-stroll. Ang init kaya." Pumasok na siya sa kanilang bahay at iniwanan kaming nakanganga.
💥Grammar & Spelling:
In this one, kinulang ka naman ng linking verb sa sentence na 'to. (Linking verbs connects a subject with an adjective or noun that describes or identifies the subject.)
- Linking verbs, such as: become, appear, seem, feel, grow, is, are, was, were, et cetera)
✔ "It is fine with me, as long as it's for our Dr. J"
- I rephrased the word "it's to "it is", since magiging redundant kapag dalawa yung "it is / it's".
- The linking verb used is the word "is". And "it's" is the shorten word for it.
Bukod sa typo's, nagkaka-issue ka rin sa Compound Words. Lagyan mo ng gitling (-) yung mga taglish words. In that way, magkakaroon ng emphasis yung root word.
✔ "iri-risk / i-ri-risk"
✔ "nagha-hallucinate / nag-ha-hallucinate"
Mayaman tayo sa salita. Bilingual tayong mga pilipino, kaya laruin mo ang mga salita. Magkaiba ang "reiteration" sa pagiging "monotonous". I highly suggests that you should read a lot of Thesaurus books. Or you can simply read/watch international books/movies to enrichen your vocabulary.
✔ "And she plastered that smile again."
💥Style:
Your writing style is good. Kaunting edit lang sa mga technicalities (typo's, grammar, punctuation), magiging maganda na ang libro mo.
💥Conclusion:
I-practice mo ang vivid description sa isang lugar/tagpo. Pati rin yung phasing mo, magulo. Please revise it. And about those mentioned technicalities, kung may katanungan ka man, comment ka lang dito para masagot ko kung anuman ang mga katanungan mo. :)
💥Rating: 2.5
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Message from Critic Mentor Mok:
"Hi! I'm very sorry if my critique was taken so long to be posted. You know, school stuffs and some errands are haunting me... Sana nakatulong ako kahit papaano. I'd love to know your feedback. Please let me know if you have some questions. Thank you for trusting me! You're awesome!"
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