July 19th, 1959. 4:02 pm. The Nowak Household
"So!" Ania exclaims as we all sit around the living room. "I was thinking that we visit France all together as a family!"
I glance at Buddy. "We're a family?" I whisper to him.
He looks over at me. "I guess?" He quietly replies.
"I don't think they're really my family..."
"It'll be okay doll. Only a few more days and we'll be back home."
I purse my lips. I really don't like these people. They're all so overbearing but rude, as opposed to Buddy's family that's overbearing but nice.
"Oh, uh, I don't know about that," Koch says. It'd be a hassle with so many people..."
"Oh hush, Wilhelm. I'm sure the triplets would love to travel with us!" Ania smiles. "Right triplets?"
Juliet, Vincent, and I all sort of side glance to each other.
"Um, I don't know..." Vincent trails off. "I miss California and my steady,"
"I miss my babies!" Juliet exclaims. "I miss them so much and I miss my husband!"
"Reasonable, but Violet, how about you stay for a little while? We haven't spoken to you nearly as much!" Ania says.
I look down. "I'm shy," I mumble.
"You're shy?! You're a performer!" She replies.
"I'm shy around you,"
"Oh it's just because you don't know us!"
I shake my head. "No, it's because I don't know how I feel about you. I feel obligated to love you, but I don't."
"Wow, okay, that was shockingly honest," Mina laughs. "But I don't really blame you. This is probably a lot to take in,"
"It is! It's so much to take and none of you seem to understand!"
Buddy places a hand on my thigh. "Doll..."
"I get thrown into seeing people who I believed were dead, I find out I have a little sister and brother, my birthday isn't even my birthday, I'm not French, my name wasn't Violet, and there's books written about me!" I go on. "But none of you seem to understand how much that is to bear!"
"Jani- I mean Juliet and Vincent are going through the same things!" Ania rolls her eyes.
"But we aren't the same people! You don't know them at all, you have no idea how they're feeling about this. They're better at hiding emotions than I am, they're far more mentally stable than I'll ever be and they have definite futures! They know what this means to them in the future!"
"Definite future?" Antoni asks.
"They know what's going to happen next. Juliet is going to raise her kids and have more on the way. Vincent is going to graduate and get a career somewhere. This won't really change their lives, but hell, it could change mine. I have no idea where this music is going. I know it's a definite fixture in my life, but I don't know what's next. I don't know where in the world we'll be sent next, I don't know how well the next record will sell, I don't know, and I can't possibly know. I don't know what these...revelations mean for me."
"But that's so exciting!" Vincent says. "It's spontaneous and you travel! You're married, you're so, so passionate about music. Vi, your life is what you were always meant to do, and I think you know that."
That's the most I've heard Vincent talk at once in about four years.
I look at my lap. "Maybe you're right, but that doesn't make it any less scary, you know? Don't get me wrong, I'm so very happy with the life I have, but right now it's so hard. So ridiculously hard. It feels like the only things I knew for sure were simply tossed out the window. I thought my parents were dead. Nope. I thought Koch was dead. No, he's very much alive. My birthday? Actually a day later than I thought. My brother and sister? Scratch that, I have two sisters and two brothers. French pride? No, I don't even get that, I'm Polish born and bred. My presumed dead parents? Spies!" I gush
"Frank and Isabella worked with the spies!" Ania glares.
"Ania, not a good time, shut up!" Koch interrupts.
Ania rolls her eyes and looks at the ground.
"Her point is that we've all been lied to for our entire lives!" Juliet butts in. "I don't blame Vi a bit for this! It's about time we address this mess. We're all trying to come to terms with our new... identities, I guess you'd say."
"You and Vincent aren't being babies about it!" Ania exclaims.
"Excuse me?" Vincent says in the most serious voice I've ever heard.
"You aren't ranting, you aren't complaining, you aren't being a little kid about this!"
"You want to know something, Ania?" Juliet glares. "I've cried on the phone to my husband every night for the whole time we've been here in Liverpool. Every single night,"
"Yeah, I've been there each time," Vincent says. "And it isn't a fake cry. She's legitemently upset."
Juliet nods. "Just because I'm not quiet like Vi usually is doesn't mean that I'm not struggling!"
"You know what I've been doing to cope?" Vincent says. "Alcohol. I've been going to pubs each night in a desperate attempt to forget that you all lied to me,"
Alcohol isn't a new coping mechanism for Vincent. He's been an alcoholic since we were teenagers.
"I've just been plain in a horrible mood the whole time," I add. "I've stopped talking as much as I usually do. I've been snippy and rude to everyone."
"Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there," Vincent clasps his hands in his lap. "I'm sorry that we aren't ecstatic to meet you,"
Ania gasps. "You're ungrateful!"
"No, they're right," Koch says. "You have absolutely no idea what they've been through, and then to have all of this dramatically revealed? It must be so, so difficult,"
Antoni slowly nods. "I think I agree, I'm sorry,"
"Why?!" Ania scowls. "They're your children too!"
Antoni shakes his head. "No, they aren't. We gave them up for a reason, and we have to live with that. Yes, we gave them life, but they're their own people now. They've had lives without us, and it isn't fair for us to come back in and demand their love,"
"Why not? I carried them for nine months, I birthed them! Do you have any idea how hard it is to birth triplets?" Ania replies.
"We've been over this!" Juliet sighs. "I appreciate that you gave us life and I appreciate the sacrifices you made for us, but we've lived entire lives without you and we've all done just fine,"
Ania sits there silently.
"Frank and Isabella are my parents and I love them just like they're my biological ones. It's going to take time to warm up to you," Vincent pinches the bridge of his nose. "Frank and Isabella went through the exact same thing with us, only we didn't speak English and they didn't speak French."
I nod in agreement. "They've gone though this, too. Only they did the hard part. Actually raising us,"
"Seem to have done a mediocre job. No respect for your elders," Ania mumbles.
"Toss that," I respond. "You don't just get respect, you earn it. And you, Ania, have none at the moment. You haven't said one good thing to us, you haven't tried to get to know me as a person,"
"Because you won't talk to me!"
"More like you're so resentful towards us and our parents that you aren't willing to just know us as who I am and not just your children you gave up,"
"Name one simple fact about each of us, Ania. Just one. One that everyone knows," Juliet demands.
Ania raises an eyebrow.
"Um...Violet is married to that man," she motions to Buddy. "Juliet has a kid and um, Vincent is in college?"
"Wow, that's all been mentioned within the last ten minutes." Vincent says snarkily.
"Did you know that I have little identical twin boys at home? Did you know I'm married to a man named Russel? Did you know that Russ is a baker? Did you know that we lived in Chicago for five years?"
"Did you know that I have a steady named Linda? Did you know that I've played baseball for eleven years? Did you know that I'm in Stanford on a baseball scholarship?"
"Did you know that I play the drums? Did you know that I live in New York? Did you know I damn near have a degree in nursing? Did you know that 'that man' has topped the billboard top 40 twice?"
Ania shakes her head. "No but I know that you'd be vastly different if you had been raised by us,"
"I'm sure we would be, but I'm glad you gave us up. If you didn't, I doubt I would have met 'that man' and I doubt I'd be as happy as I am now," I reply.
Buddy grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly. "Vi, do you need to step out for a moment?"
I stand up. "Yeah, yeah, I do. Excuse me," I say to the group.
I walk out the front door and just start walking. I don't know where I'm going. Hell, I don't even know where I am.
God, do I need a drink.
I want to be alone. I want to scream until I lose my voice. I want to cry so hard I almost pass out.
I've been so moody, I can't tell if it's me being unstable or this entire situation or...I'm PMSing...
God damn it I knew it. I completely missed my cycle in June for some god forsaken reason, so of course it's going to come early in July. Usually it doesn't make an appearance until the 25th of a month.
Damn, I just want to go home.
Why did I have to find Koch?! Buddy and I were perfectly content in our little routine.
We'd wake up and record and come home and sleep.
Every couple months we tour.
A nice life.
I liked my life with him.
It was pretty quiet and mostly drama free!
Damn it, why is it so cold in July?
I hate England.
This country depresses me. It's rainy and foggy and so humid.
I like my rainy days, but this is more than a token rainy day.
I keep my brisk stride and glance around.
I think I'm in the English version of suburbia.
"Vi, c'mon, doll, can we please talk?" I hear Buddy call out from behind me.
I halt in my tracks. "What do you want?"
He catches up to me. "What was that? Are you okay? D'you wanna talk 'bout anythin'?"
I cross my arms. "I'm fine."
"No you aren't. We need to talk, c'mon." He grabs my hand and we sit on a bench.
I refuse to make eye contact.
"What's been goin' on? You've been so distant and you've been havin' worse mood swings than usual. Please, just tell me what's wrong."
I feel like I wanna shrink away from him. "Nothing."
"I can't help you if you can't talk to me."
"I don't want to talk,"
"Vi, I love you more than anythin', and you know that, yeah?"
I shrug.
"Well I do. But what the hell? I know this is probably a lot to handle, all this sudden change, but you won't talk to me! It makes me feel like I'm doin' somethin' wrong, and I hate it. I've been with you through everythin' since we met, but now you just plain won't talk to me."
My eyes well up. "You don't understand,"
"Oh hush, Vi. I might not understand everything but I understand enough to know that somethin is killin' you inside. What happened? Did I do somethin'? Did someone else do somethin'? Please, just tell me! I just want to help!"
"No,"
"You're impossible sometimes, Violet. I love you but it's impossible sometimes."
"What?"
"Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what anyone does, it won't work."
"I don't mean it that way,"
"Then how d'you mean it?
"I tried to tell you not to love me. I tried to warn you,"
"Babe, that's ridiculous. We were sixteen then. We barely knew eachother. We're adults now, we're married."
"I told you I was difficult to love,"
"You're twenty-two, can you act like it for three minutes so we can have an adult conversation about our relationship?"
"I'm sorry, I'll shut up."
"That isn't what I said. Can you please just respond to what I'm sayin'?"
"Sorry,"
"Violet Rosaline, I love you so damn much. You're the love of my life, my soulmate. The second I met you, I knew I had t'have you, and you know that. But sometimes it's so hard to sort this all out, y'know? I knew you had emotional baggage and issues, but I still loved you. Y'know you used t'tell me everythin' and I felt so special for that. I felt so special that you chose t'open up t'me, but lately it feels like you're hidin'. It's weird t'all the sudden have your wife shut you out."
I wipe the tears that are falling. "I love you so much, Buddy. More than you could ever know. I'm so so sorry I've been like this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm like this. I don't mean to shut you out like this. You're the most amazing person, but I feel like I've unloaded too much emotional baggage on you."
"I-"
"You want me to be completely honest with you?"
He nods. "Please."
"Meeting Koch and seeing Paris dug out a lot of repressed memories. Like, deeply repressed ones. Ones that are really messed up,"
He doesn't respond. He just stares at the ground.
"Like all the times I was actually beaten. I only remembered a few, but all of the sudden I remembered everything. I think..." I take a deep breath. "I think I was raped more than once."
He doesn't look at me. "Really?"
I nod. "I don't know if I made up these memories, but they seem so real. They've been sort of giving me nightmares,"
"Doll," I feel him tense up. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry I pried so hard just now,"
"No, it's my fault. I didn't tell you and that was really shitty to do."
He slowly wraps an arm around me. "D'you just wanna head home tomorrow? You don't owe them an explanation,"
I shake my head. "I wanna see my old orphanage, then I wanna go home."
"Are you...sure?"
I nod firmly. "I want to see Madame and Monseuir Martin and I want to thank them."
"We can do that,"
"I also want to say that everything you said earlier was what I needed to hear. You're right, I was acting like a child and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been hurting you so much. I was too self absorbed to see that, and I'm sincerely sorry,"
"If I'm honest, I thought you were so reserved because you wanted a divorce."
"Oh, honey, no of course not! I love you! I don't think I could really move on from you if we did divorce. You mean the world to me."
He kisses my head. "I love you, I'm sorry I was so harsh."
"I needed it, thank you."
"Hey, doll, d'you think we can just go back to the hotel?"
I nod slowly. "Yeah, I'd love that. I sort of just want to be with you tonight."
"Is your purse at their house?"
"No, I left it at the hotel this morning remember?"
"Oh yeah,"
"I feel bad for ditching the family like that..."
"After you walked out, I told them that it'd be great if the laid off you for a little while because it's so hard on you,"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, doll. C'mon, let's get to the subway and get back to the hotel."
June 11th, 1953. 10:32pm. The Winter Household
"So, second date, huh?" Buddy laughs as we stop in front of my front door.
I smile. "Yeah, that was actually really fun. I'm glad we're steady,"
He kisses my cheek. "It was really great, doll."
"Hey, I need to tell you something."
"What is it?"
"Don't fall in love with me. I'm hard to love,"
"Don't be silly, Vi,"
"I am. Just trust me."
"Whatever you say, babe." He rolls his eyes. "You should probably get inside before your parents have a cow,"
I nod. "Yeah, probably." I blush. "It was really fun,"
He leans down and kisses me.
We pull away.
"I'll call you tomorrow, handsome," I say as I open the door and walk into my house.
The Liverpool Hotel
Buddy and I are finally settled in. We both showered, we're both in pajamas, and I'm just about to crawl into bed.
Buddy sits with the radio right near him so he can see what music the Brits are in to these days.
"Vi, can we talk again?" Buddy says, suddenly turning off the radio.
I nod and feel my heart start to race.
He comes and sits next to me on the bed. "Babe, are you really actually happy with me? With our lives?"
I scoot closer to him. "Yeah, I really, really am. Why?"
"All that stuff you said earlier..."
"Oh..." I trail off. "I didn't mean it, Buddy. I swear to God I really didn't,"
"You sounded so real. Violet, you can tell me. You can tell me anythin', even if you think I don't wanna hear it,"
"Oh, sweetie," I hug him tightly. "I am so very happy. Sometimes I just get a little psyched out. I never know what's coming next and sometimes that scares me, but I think Vin was right. I think this is the life I was supposed to live. I wouldn't do well if I just did the same exact thing every single day. I love you so much, Buddy. I know, I'm horrible at showing it, but I promise I do. I never meant it that way,"
Buddy wraps his arms around me. "I love you, doll. I'm sorry I was so harsh earlier..."
"I needed to hear that, you were right. I wasn't being fair to you. You're my husband, I should tell you everything I can. We're a team, you know. You and me. Buddy and Violet."
"The dynamic duo," Buddy chuckles.
"Exactly. We can make it through anything,"
"We sure as hell can. If we made it through the Winter Dance Party, we can make it through this,"
I giggle and kiss his cheek. "I love you more than anything,"
"And I love you more than anythin'." He says.
I lean in and kiss him.