October 3rd, 2018
6:00 P.M.
Lauren
"You know what I find funny?" Camila asked me.
"What's that, babe?" I answered, holding my phone between my shoulder and my ear.
"The fact that I'm going into the 'Consequences' era after I get back together with you."
"Yeah.", I chuckled, "Doesn't make the song any less amazing, though."
"You're amazing."
"Baby, could you hold on a second?"
"Sure."
I removed the phone from my ear to look down at my phone screen, praying that the incessant buzzing would stop. I rolled my eyes when I saw Tara's name popping up for the millionth time in the past hour.
T: I'm gonna need the green light here or I'm just gonna go for it
T: Lauren?
T: Sorry this is annoying af but it has to be done
Just when I was about to type out an answer, the oven timer went off. I quickly placed my phone down on the counter and rushed to get my plantains out of the oven. God, I felt like everything was suddenly going a mile a minute.
Once I had set the plantains aside, I quickly tapped away a response to Tara before placing the phone by my ear again.
"Hey. Sorry." I said.
"Is everything ok?" Camila asked.
"Yeah. I'm just-ow!"
I was cut off by a rather aggressive sizzle from the pan on the stove, along with a burning drop of oil landing directly on my bare forearm.
"Lauren?" Camila spoke up again, her voice dripping with concern this time.
"I'm here. Jesus, cooking sucks sometimes." I said as I moved to lower the heat.
"This is why I stay away from it."
"Is it because cooking sucks or because you suck at cooking?" I teased.
"Probably a mixture of both, honestly. Maybe I suck because I know it sucks, so I don't want to put in the effort to get good at it."
"It doesn't always suck. I find it relaxing most of the time."
"So why do you seem so stressed out?"
"It's less the cooking and more the..."
I stopped myself, unsure if I wanted to involve Camila in this. All talking about Ty did was bring both of our moods down, so what was the point?
"What's going on, babe?" she urged me on.
"Just more Ty bullshit. Don't worry about it." I sighed.
"I worry whether you tell me to or not."
"But it's literally nothing, just...code blue. A really annoying code blue."
"Why is this code blue bluer than the rest?"
"Can we FaceTime?"
"I would be honored."
I let out a sigh of relief as I moved to shift the call to a FaceTime call instead. I placed the phone down on the counter, happy to be free to move around again. Just when I was returning to my cooking, Camila's angelic face popped up on the screen. I was immediately distracted from everything as I turned to look at her.
"Hi, baby." I chirped.
"Hiiii." she replied, waving her hand in front of the camera.
"You look radiant, as always."
"You look...like you've been cooking."
"Wow." I scoffed, walking away from the camera.
"Wait, come back! I was kidding! You're beautiful! You're gorgeous! You're so hot, Lauren, I love you so much!"
"Shut up.", I giggled, walking back into the frame, "I actually had to go get these bad boys from the pan."
With that, I lowered the pan and tilted it towards the phone so that Camila could see what I was talking about.
"Oh my god. Is that..." she began.
"Milanesa? Si, mi amor." I said with a wink.
"See? You are hot. God, I can't wait to use those free meal vouchers on you.", Camila said, her voice shifting to a seductive tone, "I'm just going to sit back and watch you get all sweaty while you cook and--"
"Babe, stop." I laughed.
"Why?" she asked with a bite to her lower lip.
"Because I can't kiss you from here and that's just depressing."
"It is depressing. Come over."
"You come over."
"We were at your place last time. My mom misses you."
I smiled at the brown eyed girl through the screen as I wiped my hands with a dish towel. We hadn't planned to hang out originally because I was supposed to be in the studio until late. It turned out that my manager had fucked up schedules because we were bleeding into someone else's time, so we had to leave. I immediately decided to come home and make myself a nice meal that reminded me of Miami. The only thing that would make this night better was, of course, having my beautiful girlfriend by my side.
"Ok. I'll eat and shower then come over. Is that ok?" I asked.
"No. Come now." she returned playfully.
"I didn't know you were so into sweaty Lauren."
"Depends why she's sweating."
"Ok, what would be bad sweating?"
"I don't know. If you just...well, ok, there are no bad, sweaty Laurens. There are just...better ones."
Camila punctuated the statement with a seductive bite to her lower lip, causing a tingling sensation in my stomach. I let out a nervous giggle before moving closer to the phone and leaning on the counter in front of it.
"Alright, I definitely need to see you." I said in a low tone.
"You're seeing me right now." she teased.
"Shut up. You know what I mean."
"Yeah, sorry. I'm annoying." she giggled.
"No, you're not. You're perfect. You literally made all of my stress melt away within seconds."
"So, is this a bad time to ask what the cause of that stress was?"
My smile faltered a bit as I remembered what had been going on just minutes earlier. I let out a deep breath before picking up the phone and carrying Camila with me as I gathered my food.
"Like I said, code blue.", I began, "But, today's code blue was none other than 'National Boyfriend Day'."
"Oh." I heard her say.
"Yeah. So, Tara was just hounding me to get this post out on Twitter for him and shit."
"Do you help with them?"
"Huh? With what?" I asked, finally setting the phone down again so I could look at her.
"The posts. I mean...do you help write them?"
"Well...yeah. I sort of have to. It has to sound like me."
Camila simply nodded in response. I was right. The topic had already brought both of our moods down.
"I told you it wasn't worth telling you." I shrugged.
"Did I say it wasn't?" she asked.
"Now you're upset."
"I'm always upset."
I kinked an eyebrow at her words, feeling my heart sink deep down into my stomach.
"I-I mean...well, obviously, this kind of stuff sucks to see.", she explained, "It's always happening. Like, don't feel bad for telling me. I guess it's kind of nice to get a warning."
"You guess?" I asked, frowning.
"It is. Lauren, I asked you to tell me. Don't feel bad."
"I always do." I said, returning her drastic wording from before.
Camila looked away from the camera for a second, sighing deeply before returning her attention to me.
"Wasn't Gracie supposed to help the situation?" she asked.
"It's only been a few weeks with her." I responded.
"Yeah, but...it's just...why do you even have to post so much about him? I mean, I'm not posting anything about Matthew today."
"It's different."
"Is it?"
"Look, Camila, you never post about him. You never have. Any news on you guys is from paparazzi and shit."
"So why can't you do that?"
"Because I haven't been. I was with Ty for over a year, constantly posting shit with him. If I suddenly stopped-"
"I don't understand why you had to do all of that in the first place."
"Are you mad at me for having a past relationship?" I scoffed.
"I'm not mad. I'm just...it's frustrating."
"I know, baby. But we said we were going to do whatever it took this time. If the price to pay is a few stupid fake social media posts-"
"That's your price. I have to sit here and...and just watch it."
"Why are you bringing this up now?"
"Because it starts to wear down on me, Lauren. Sue me for having feelings."
"I'm not--"
I stopped myself, needing a second to gather my words. This was the first time Camila and I had fought since getting back together. I had almost forgotten what it was like, even though a majority of our history consisted of it.
"I'm not saying you shouldn't be feeling these things.", I said calmly, "You have every right to. I'm just saying...there's not much I can do about the situation, and we both know that. We've known this since the day we decided to do this again. I'm doing the best I can. So, yeah, of course you're allowed to have these moments that are worse than others, but...you have to understand that this is the way shit is going to be for a while, babe. I don't know what else to tell you."
"I should let you eat." was all she said.
"Camila."
"Seriously. You deserve your homecooked meal and a nice shower. I'll let you go."
"Is this conversation over?"
"I want it to be."
"Babe-"
"You don't have to come over tonight, either. My mom and I were just going to watch a movie, anyway."
"Are you serious?"
"I'm serious, Lauren. We weren't going to hangout today, anyway."
"But we can now."
"But we don't have to."
"But I want to."
"It's fine, Lauren. Seriously. I just want...I just want to be alone tonight."
"With your mom."
"She's an extension of me, remember?"
"Baby, come on. I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for, babe. You're right, I'm just having a moment. So, I don't really enjoy being around people in these moments."
"I'm not people."
"Lauren, please. I'm just not in the mood to hangout anymore."
"Babe, you can't just shut down on me. We need open communication, here."
"Look, you may have been dating all this time and know how to navigate arguments, but it's been a while for me, so just give me some space."
"Why are you making me feel like shit for having dated someone else?"
"That's not my intention."
"Well, that's what's happening."
"Lauren, you just don't get it!"
"Then explain to me!"
"I can't! You won't understand. You've never understood. You've never had to sit around and watch the person you love be with someone else while you're completely alone. I can't even remember the last time you were really alone."
"Again, should I feel bad about this?"
"No! I just...ugh, I just don't want to talk right now."
"Camila."
"Lauren, we can see each other tomorrow, ok?"
"Yeah, you bet your ass I'm seeing you tomorrow."
With that, I watched Camila's expression soften a bit. There was a hint of a smirk creeping up on her lips, just barely there, but there nonetheless. I returned the gesture immediately, feeling some of the tension melt away.
"Bossy." she said quietly.
"Stubborn." I returned.
She flashed me a sad smile before looking down at the ground. I missed those brown eyes of hers the second I lost sight of them.
"Baby, look at me." I said softly.
She slowly looked back up into the camera lens, meeting my gaze again.
"We're ok.", I assured her, "Have a good night with your mom. I'll...I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"
"Ok." she said, the corners of her mouth rising momentarily, but quickly falling back into a subtle pout.
"I love you."
"I love you, too. I...I'm sorry."
"Don't be. Bye, babe."
"Bye."
Camila was the first to hang up, leaving me staring at the image of myself in the small screen. I reached forward to shut the phone off and placed it face down on the table, releasing a deep sigh as I did so. I didn't want to look at the damn thing for a while.
I was right all along. As much as Camila wanted to say that our past was behind us, that I didn't have to prove anything, this was a perfect example of how that wasn't true. The past year and a half of us being apart would continue to loom over us, especially while Ty was still in the picture.
I hated that I had to post about him, of course. It wasn't easy for me, either, even thought I brushed it off to try and make Camila feel better; but the point was that I still had to do it, or else the repercussions could end up worse than the current situation.
Clearly, fighting management had never worked out for us in the past, so it was time for us to accept our circumstances. We had to try something new, and we were both well aware of that. I just hated the toll it was taking on the brown eyed girl. I had to try and do something else to put her at ease.
Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. I knew what I could do to show Camila that she was way more important than any of this bullshit. It was small, but it was something. I reached for my phone again and scribbled down a note to remind myself to talk to my manager the next day.
I would continue to do these small things to show her my love until the day I died, atonement or not. I was madly in love with her, and that was enough reason to continue to remind her of that. This was the new Lauren Jauregui.
No, this was the real one; the real one who had finally found herself and was taking control of her life wherever she could.
..............................................................
October 4th, 2018
10:00 A.M.
Camila
I woke up to the soft buzzing of my cellphone on my nightstand, my eyes fluttering open to the sight of the small device. I groggily reached out for it and turned it to face me, delighted by the sight I saw on the screen. I managed a sleepy smile and clicked the green button in front of me.
"Hi." I rasped.
"Hey, you.", Lauren answered, "I take it you're still in bed?"
"I told you you'd be my wake up call."
"Well, come let me in. I have things."
"Things?"
"Let me in and you'll find out what I mean."
"Ok. I'll try."
"You'll try?" she giggled.
"Did you knock? Isn't my mom here?"
"I don't think so. Her car is gone."
"Did you knock, though?"
"Yes, babe, I knocked. Get your ass over here."
"Alriiiight, alright. I'm coming."
I chuckled to myself after hanging up on the green eyed girl. Obviously, I was going to go let her in. She was just so cute when she was annoyed. I let out a big yawn as slowly made my way out of my warm bed and to the front door. Once I opened it, I was met with the sight of Lauren smiling back at me, a light-pink colored box in her hands.
"Hi." I grinned.
"Hey, sleepy." she said.
Lauren moved forward to plant a soft kiss on my cheek before moving past me into the house. I let the feeling of her lips burn into my skin as I closed the door behind us, smiling all the while. When I turned around to face her, she was placing the box on the kitchen counter.
"Are the things in the box?" I asked as I approached her.
"Yes.", she said, "The things are in the box and the things are..."
Lauren opened the lid once I had reached the counter, revealing a set of a dozen muffins to me. My eyes immediately widened at the sight.
"Muffins!" I squealed, my voice cracking a bit.
Lauren immediately started laughing.
"What are you? A twelve year old boy?" she teased.
"I just woke up, Lauren, gosh!" I defended myself, wrapping my arms around her neck as I did so.
The green eyed girl wasted no time in placing her hands on my waist and pulling me closer, planting a sweet kiss on my lips.
"Well, I'm jealous.", she said, "I've been up for hours."
"Do muffins take that long to get?" I asked with a smirk.
"No. Arrangements take that long to make."
"Arrangements?", I asked, raising my eyebrows up and down, "What kind of arrangements?"
"Do you want to get a muffin and sit?"
"You do."
"Yeah, I'm fucking starving." she laughed.
"I thought so.", I said before kissing her once again, "Yeah, we can sit."
Lauren and I each grabbed a muffin from the box and made our way over to the small kitchen table, taking seats next to each other and practically ensuring that our legs were touching. She immediately dove into her pastry, taking a huge bite out of the top and humming in delight. I let out a small giggle at the sight.
"Alright, what arrangements kept you up for hours without eating?" I asked after letting her soak in the glory of her first bite.
"Well...", she mumbled while she finished chewing, "Aside from getting these delicious muffins, I stopped by the studio to have a chat with one of my managers."
"Why's that?" I asked as I took my first bite.
"Remember how my song was supposed to come out next Friday?"
"Supposed to?"
"It's not anymore."
"What? Why not?"
"I pulled some strings." she said with a wink.
"You mean you wanted to push it back?"
Lauren finished up another bite before putting the muffin down and sliding a hand out onto the table towards me. I slowly reached forward with my free hand and held hers, confused as to what was going on.
"I pushed it back for you." she said.
I froze, stopping my chewing to ensure that I had heard her right. I quickly swallowed my bite and scooted a bit closer to her.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, furrowing my brow.
"Your orchestra version is coming out Wednesday right? And your video and everything. It's all next week." she answered.
"Yeah...so?"
"Well, this way the focus can be all on you for a few weeks. Then, my song will come out the 24th."
"The 24th?", I asked, my eyes wide, "Lauren, that's so much further away!"
"You think I'm crazy."
"No! I mean...no, not...crazy, but, babe, don't you think this is a little much? I didn't ask you to do this. I never even insinuated anything. I don't want you putting your career aside for me. Isn't this--"
"I'm not, baby. Stop."
"No, Lauren, you stop. This is why we broke up the first time. You put me above everything and I really don't-"
"Camila, relax!"
I let my mouth shut and focused on Lauren's thumb rubbing my palm. I exhaled sharply as I watched her, waiting for more of an explanation. Ok, I didn't want to use the word crazy, but this seemed freaking crazy.
"Listen.", she said softly, a slight smirk stretched across her face, "This isn't that. At all. I'm not the same immature, lost little girl I was two years ago. In fact, I'm the fucking opposite. I know exactly what I'm doing, baby. This isn't insane to me at all. It's just 12 days and this way we both get more recognition, anyway. You realize this is helping me too, right?"
I remained silent, staring back at her like I still needed to hear more.
"Besides, that's not really the point. You obviously don't need anyone moving shit around for you. You're killing it, babe, I know that. You'll do amazing regardless. And I hope that I can, too."
"You can. You will." I said.
"Ok, but the point is that this is just a small way that I can show how much you mean to me...how much more you mean to me than my stupid managers and all of the bullshit. I...I don't know, babe. You scared me yesterday."
My expression softened immediately. I scooted forward a bit and grabbed her other hand, stroking it softly with my thumb.
"What do you mean, baby?" I asked.
"I don't ever want to hurt you again. I told you that. I'm...I'm really trying here and I'm scared that...it won't be good enough."
"Alright, that's enough." I huffed, releasing my hands from hers and slapping them on my thighs.
"Woah, what?" she laughed lightly.
I maneuvered my position so that one of my legs was now resting in between hers, the other on the outside, making it so that we could sit as close as possible. I placed my hands on her legs and leaned forward.
"Lauren, I love you so much.", I said intently, giving her thighs a gentle squeeze, "I've already told you a million times you don't need to make anything up to me or prove anything."
"But--"
"Shh.", I cut her off, placing a finger on her full lips, "I need you to hear this."
I slid my finger away from her mouth and moved my hand back down to her leg. I took a deep breath before taking my hands off of her and placing them back in my own lap.
We locked eyes with that electric intensity that was unavoidable between us. This was Lauren. Lauren Michelle Jauregui Morgado. The love of my life. Nothing in the world was going to change that.
"Yesterday...yes, I had a moment.", I started, "But I told you that's what it was. A moment. You even said it yourself. And...I can't promise that I won't have these moments, especially during all of this 'code blue' shit and especially with the way our lives are. In fact, I know I'm going to have these moments."
I reached forward and took her hands in mine again.
"I'm a human being, Lauren. I'm going to get insecure and worried and jealous and anxious and...a million other emotions that can't even be described in one word. You know this about me. You know I'm a little insane, especially when it comes to love."
I watched Lauren's mouth form into a smirk at the sound of that.
"But my point is...that's all this is. Love. I get angry and jealous and confused and whatever only because I love you so so so so much. So, yeah, the thought of losing you makes me a little crazy and immature sometimes...but it will never, in a million years, mean that I don't love you. Even when I need my space or I'm being difficult or...or, I don't know. No matter what, I love you so much. And you don't need to do anything at all to earn that. You earn my love by just existing, babe."
Lauren started chewing on her bottom lip, tears welling up in her eyes as she looked into mine. They made her green eyes shine even brighter, carry even more in them. I moved my hands to cup her face.
"My insecurities aren't your fault.", I went on, "Yeah, maybe I've become a bit guarded with you and maybe our history does play a part. It would be impossible to just forget everything we've been through...but, I'm still a mess, babe. I still get consumed in your love, and that simple fact makes me lash out in weird ways sometimes, regardless of our past. I'd still be a jealous idiot if our entire history was erased."
Lauren and I both let out small chuckles, knowing that it was true. The green eyed girl reached up to grab one of my hands and placed a light kiss on my palm.
"And I don't want to erase our history.", she finally said, her voice a bit weak, "All of that bullshit has brought us right here, right where we should be. We wouldn't be us without it all. We wouldn't have the balls to really fight for each other because we wouldn't have years of experience doing exactly that."
Lauren moved her free hand to my left thigh and started to caress it lightly as she spoke up again.
"My intention isn't to make you forget about it...", she went on, "It's just to show you that I'm fucking here, babe. I'm here and I'm so ready to fight. It's to show you why this time is different."
She scooted impossibly closer to me, our thighs rubbing against each other and sending chills up and down my spine. I held my breath.
"And, yeah, in case it hasn't been made clear, I have my fair share of insecurities, too.", she said with a light giggle, "But I'm glad that we can sit here and talk about this and understand that these insecurities won't be the downfall of us this time. This is exactly what I mean by open communication, babe. This is the new us."
"The real us?" I asked softly.
"The real us.", she said with a sweet smile, "And you know what?"
"What?" I asked, mesmerized.
"The real us is starting to look pretty fucking unstoppable."
"I think so, too."
I watched as Lauren's gaze fell to my lips briefly before looking into my eyes again. She had been doing that to me for six years now, and it still caused butterflies in my stomach. I was really starting to realize that she would always have this effect on me.
Only, now, that little fact made me ecstatic. Before, it sent me into a spiral of depression and hopelessness. It made me think that I would never love again. Technically, I wouldn't; at least not another person, but, again, that fact made me feel more at peace than anything ever had in my entire life.
"Hey." I said, breaking our staring contest.
"What's up?" she returned with a grin.
"Thanks for the muffins, by the way. Sorry I didn't say that before."
"It's ok. I've been thanking myself internally with every bite."
"Yeah, I feel like I should let you finish that." I said, my eyes darting over to her unfinished muffin on the table.
"You know, I'm really glad you haven't caught on to the fact that most of my gifts for you are ones that I've been able to benefit from, too."
"Oh, I noticed.", I giggled, "Those are my favorite kinds of gifts."
"Mine, too."
I looked down at Lauren's perfect lips as the two of us laughed together, wanting nothing more than to kiss her in that moment. Lauren seemed to read my mind as she leaned forward and connected our lips once again.
I closed my eyes as I disappeared into her, loving the sweet taste of her chapstick combined with a hint of blueberry from her muffin. I could've stayed like that forever, but, unfortunately, reality had a shitty way of messing with our love life.
Luckily, now Lauren and I both agreed that reality could kiss our asses; nothing could stop us now.