July 24th, 2018
5:00 P.M.
Camila
It felt like it was finally happening; like she was finally slipping away for good. I knew that we both felt it; I just didn't think she would've let it happen after her emotional breakdown over the phone.
It had been almost an entire month since the green eyed girl's birthday, since she had poured her heart and soul out to me and I had simply hung up on her. The thing was, I didn't just hang up. I had texted her immediately after the whole drama-fest, but I never heard back from her.
C: I'm sorry I hung up. I just really don't want to have this conversation like this or maybe not even over the phone...just call me again in the morning/when you're sober and we can talk. I promise.
It was as if my text had been sent out into an endless void. She hadn't even acknowledged it. She hadn't acknowledged anything. Maybe she had been too drunk to remember...but how could that explain her not answering my text? Surely she would've been curious enough to at least answer it.
Or maybe she was so angry at me for not wishing her a happy birthday that she didn't even care. She was done. The truth was, I had grappled with sending her a simple text all day.
I had been in Spain, with Matthew visiting and paparazzi flashing pictures of us, so I hadn't really had time to put any real thought into what to say to her. I could've just sent her a short text. I knew that; but I also knew that I didn't want to do that.
I wanted to write pages professing my feelings for her. I had practically told myself that the next time I talked to her, it would change everything between us, one way or another; because I would tell her that I was still in love with her. Either she would've flipped out and disappeared on me, or...
I had been so close to telling her that morning. June 28th, 2018...that date could've changed everything. Instead, it was simply the day that I was sent into a state of paralytic shock as a result of her intense words.
"Tell me that I'm not losing you forever..."
"I feel like nothing I do will ever make up for all of this shit I put you through, but I...I need to try. I'll try as long as it takes. I'll try forever."
"I just need you to tell me that I didn't fuck us up forever."
Forever. Forever. Forever. The green eyed girl had uttered the word so many times that it had almost lost its meaning; but it hadn't. It hadn't at all.
Forever.
She had said it all with so much emotion, like she was literally going to die on the spot if I didn't put her at ease. I knew that she had been drunk, but I also lived by the saying: "Drunk words are sober thoughts". The amount of times that Lauren and I had used alcohol to get us to do or say what we really wanted to was insane. I knew that everything she said had been true.
So, I had to hang up. I couldn't handle the thought of having such a monumental conversation with her and having her not remember any of it, which apparently seemed to be the case. I was in shock that she hadn't reached out to me, and I was even more in shock that I still hadn't reached out to her either.
I was trapped alone with my thoughts, as usual, left to wonder exactly what Lauren's words all meant. There was no way she would've reacted that strongly to a relationship with just a friend. There was no way she'd be that scared of losing me for good unless...
Unless she really was still in love with me, too.
The thought alone got my heart racing. Was it possible that Lucy was right about everything? Was it possible that she was just too scared to leave Ty, to jump into me recklessly again? When I really sat down and thought about it all, it made perfect sense. Yet, I still felt like no progress had been made. The fact of the matter was, we still hadn't talked.
My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by my phone buzzing on the bed next to me. I rolled over to see my manager's name popping up on my home screen.
Roger: Do you have a minute?
Oh, great. I was already dealing with enough and now I was probably going to have to handle some PR bullshit on my day off. I sighed and called the older man, not wasting any time by texting him back first.
"That was fast." he answered.
"I was by my phone." I said flatly.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Just tired. What's up?"
"So, Matthew went a little rogue."
"What do you mean?" I asked, my eyes widening.
"He sort of alluded to the fact that he wanted to start a family and now there are speculations that you..."
"That I'm pregnant?" I practically yelled.
"Not quite. But just that that's the direction you guys are headed in. I mean, technically this is good, but--"
"How is this good? This is insane!"
"It's not true, C. Breathe."
"Well, obviously, it's not true, but that doesn't make it any less insane!"
"Look, I'm just giving you a heads up so you're not blindsided. Best thing to do is to just not comment."
"Like I've been doing."
"Yes. Everything's going to be fine. Remember, appearances are enough. Don't say anything."
"Oh boy. Alright. Well, thanks for letting me know."
"Yeah. Have a good one, C. Take this time to relax."
"Will do, Rogerino."
The second I hung up, I threw my phone down onto the bed and let out a deep sigh. Was Matthew crazy? What the heck was he thinking? I swear, he was having so much more fun with this than I was, and I was sort of starting to resent him for it.
I plopped back down onto my bed, my head falling directly into my soft pillow, and stared up at the ceiling. She was the first thing that came to mind: again, always, inevitably. There were so many words and phrases attached to the green eyed girl at this point. She consumed me.
So, slowly coming to the realization that we were actually done for good was tearing me apart and eating me up inside. Her birthday had really been the final straw.
Or so I thought.
..............................................................
August 4th, 2018
8:00 P.M.
Lauren
Ty had been getting on my last nerves. He had been acting so fucking weird towards me since my birthday.
Erica had explained to me that she had found me crying in the bathroom, but when I asked Ty if he knew why, he clammed up. He claimed that we didn't fight or anything, that I just went into the bathroom drunk as fuck and came out with red, puffy eyes. According to him, that was all he knew.
I had been trying so hard to figure out what was going on with him, showering him with love and affection even more so than usual, but nothing seemed to work. After weeks and weeks of trying, I had finally had enough.
"Baby, I can't deal with shit anymore." I blurted out with no introduction.
"Hello to you, too." his voice rang out on the other end of the phone.
"Sorry. There's a lot on my mind."
"I can tell."
"Well, I can tell with you, too."
"Tell what?"
"That there's shit on your mind, babe."
"Lo, we've talked about this."
"Have we? Every time I try and get anything out of you, you insist that nothing is wrong, which I know isn't true. I know you, baby. Just fucking talk to me. I'm sick of this weirdness. I swear, the most love you've shown me lately has been on fucking social media."
"That's not true."
"Prove it."
"And how exactly do you want me to do that when I'm not even with you?"
"Just...ugh, just talk to me! Communication, babe! What is going on with you?"
"You really don't remember shit from the night of your birthday, do you?"
I furrowed my brow, not expecting those words from him. I had my suspicions that this all had to do with something that had happened that night, but I just wasn't sure what it could have possibly been, especially since I had already asked him about it a million times.
"Everything sort of went blank after the 50th shot of tequila. We've already talked about this." I responded.
"Yeah..." was all he said.
"Ty, I swear to god. I've asked you if something happened thousands of times and you said no. If you're about to tell me that—"
"Nothing happened with us."
"Ok, so why are you bringing this up?"
Silence. I heard him sigh heavily before he spoke again.
"Can we not do this right now? I gotta head out in a bit." he finally said.
"Ty." I said sternly.
"I'd really rather have this talk in person."
"You gave up that luxury when you fucking avoided it for weeks. We're talking about this now. I'm done speculating and feeling like shit over something I don't even know about."
"Jesus, Lo, you called Camila that night, alright?"
My head literally snapped back at his words.
"Wait, what?" I asked incredulously.
"See why I want to talk about this in person?" he said.
"I...wait, no. Why do you? Why is this so serious? What the fuck happened?"
I immediately started to enter into panic mode. Had I told Camila that I still had feelings for her? Had Ty overhead our conversation? What even was our conversation? Everything was so fucking hazy.
Suddenly, a faded memory came back to me; a blurry image of a bathroom floor along with a memory of me wondering why Camila hadn't wished me a happy birthday that day. I had been hurt when I realized it the morning after the party, but never did anything about it. I was so frustrated with her and yet so unbelievably hurt all at the same time; so much so that it hurt me to even think about texting or calling her.
"I went to go check on you...and you were sort of...yelling and crying and shit." Ty explained.
"At Camila?" I asked, my eyes widening.
"Yeah."
It was all slowly starting to make sense: Ty's expression that night, his distant manner ever since. I was so fucking terrified to ask what he had heard.
"Did you...baby, I don't understand. What happened?" I chose.
Ty was quiet yet again. I wished that I could see his face, that I could look into those bright green eyes of his and hold his hand and console him. I wasn't even sure what I was consoling him for yet, but I had a feeling that I had fucked up big time. Also, how had Camila not tried to reach out to me?
"Look, I know it was wrong.", he said softly, "I should've...I should've left to get Erica sooner or just fucking come in to the bathroom myself...but when I heard you say her name I just kind of...I don't know, baby. I froze."
"What happened?" I asked again, my tone a bit desperate this time.
"You were just...you were losing your shit, Lo. Something about...asking her why she wasn't talking to you and..." he trailed off.
"And what?"
"And you were apologizing. A lot. Saying...you didn't want to lose her."
Another pause. I was expecting him to say that I had told her I was in love with her, but he didn't. I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.
"Is that it?" I asked.
"Is that it?" he scoffed.
"Well, I mean..."
"Lo, I've never heard that much...desperation in your voice. You were fucking bawling your eyes out and sobbing."
"But—"
"Is it selfish to say that I don't want anyone else making you feel that much?"
"Ty."
"I hear your voice from that night replaying in my head over and over again. All the damn time, Lo. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. I just...I wanted to live in this a little bit longer."
"Live in what? What are you saying?"
"Camila texted you."
"Huh?"
"Erica handed me your phone when you were...recovering. I saw a text from Camila and I—"
"You deleted it."
I was now staring down at my phone screen, Ty's voice on speaker. I was looking through my messages from that night and the morning after: absolutely nothing from Camila.
"Yeah." he said quietly.
"Yeah?" I asked, raising my voice.
"Yeah, Lo, I deleted it."
I couldn't tell what I was feeling; if I was angry at him or myself. I wanted to be pissed off at him, but, as I slowly pieced everything together, I couldn't help but feel so incredibly bad for him. He didn't deserve this shit and I couldn't really blame him for the way he had responded.
"Why? What did it say?" I pressed.
"That she would talk to you when you were sober." he answered.
"And you deleted it."
"Baby—"
"Ty, tell me exactly what was going through your head when you deleted that text. Why did you do it?"
"I already told you."
"Did you?"
"I wanted to live in this a little longer."
I let his words sink in, finally making sense of them.
"You thought...you thought that if I talked to Camila..."
"We'd be done." he explained.
"Babe."
"Hey, tell me it's not true and that I'm just being insecure and we can move on from this...but I don't think you can tell me that until you talk to her."
"What do you think is going to happen?"
"I'm not an idiot, Lo. That night you talked to me about exes and loving two people at once...and then this. I pay attention. Maybe it doesn't seem like I do all the time, but I fucking do. You know, I wanted to be strong enough to handle your history with her, and I think I could be, but I'm not strong enough to handle the now. I'm sorry."
"You're not losing me."
"You can't say that with 100% confidence until you talk to her."
"Ty—"
"Let's just take a step back, baby."
"What does that mean?"
"That means...I'll be moving around for a bit and you're on your own shit right now...let's just take a breather."
"You mean break up."
"No. Just some space."
"Are you serious?"
"Talk to her."
"What if I don't even want to?"
He let out a humorless chuckle.
"You clearly do." he said.
"This is insane." I mumbled.
We fell into silence yet again. This time, we knew that we had said all that needed to be said. All that was left was to hang up; but now, hanging up meant space, as he put it. Why were all of the people I loved so keen on getting away from me?
Actually, I knew that that was an invalid question. I did this shit to myself. I always did, and I really needed to figure everything out before I lost everyone I cared about.
Maybe it was finally time for a little escape.
..............................................................
August 13th, 2018
4:00 P.M.
Camila
It was seriously one of the most unexpected moments in my entire life. I had spent the last month or so believing that Lauren and I were finally, completely done. So, getting this text from her on a random Monday afternoon made my eyes practically pop out of my head.
L: Hey are you free to talk?
At first I wasn't even sure how to respond. I was at home in Miami and didn't really think that talking to her here would be best. Anyone could walk into my room at any second and I had a feeling this conversation wouldn't really welcome interruptions. So, I decided to do the unthinkable.
I snuck to the kitchen, grabbed my dad's car keys, and got into his car as quickly and silently as I could. The second I was in the driver's seat, I pulled my phone out again and texted the green eyed girl back.
C: Give me 5
With that, I put the key in the ignition and twisted it, bringing the car to life. I pulled away from my house immediately, not wanting to deal with anyone catching me leaving. After a short drive to a small park near my neighborhood, I parked the car and shut it off, then took a deep breath.
C: Hi I can talk
After about a minute, Lauren Jauregui was popping up on my screen: an old picture of her with her intoxicating green eyes staring back at me. I took yet another shaky breath before finally bringing my finger down on the green button in front of me.
"Hello?" I said, the phone now placed delicately on my ear.
"Hi." she said in her all too familiar raspy voice.
"Hey." I managed.
"Hola."
I couldn't fight the small smirk growing on my face.
"Bonjour." I added.
"Konnichiwa." she said, a small glint of humor present in her tone.
"Oh, wow. You really went further out for that one."
"The Romance languages get enough love."
"Maybe because they're romantic."
"Stands to reason."
My mouth was now frozen into a small smile, a familiar one that I knew only she could cause. How the heck did we go months without talking and then jump into stupid banter like no time had passed?
"So, hi." she spoke up again.
"Hi, um..."
"I didn't get your text. The day after my birthday."
My smile faltered. I had almost forgotten that this was probably going to be an extremely serious conversation. It was finally time to stop dancing around each other.
"Oh. Yeah, um...I was wondering why you hadn't called or anything." I said.
"Yeah. Someone deleted it and didn't tell me about it until, like, a week ago." she elaborated.
Someone deleted it? I furrowed my brow as I tried to decipher her message. Was she making this up to cover her own cowardice? Was she embarrassed that she had called in the first place?
"Um..." I began.
"It's not important.", she cut me off, "I mean, it's just irrelevant right now. The point is, I'm calling now and I...well, how are you?"
"How am I?"
"Yes. Is this a bad time?"
"I-I don't know. Why do you sound like your about to drop some bad news?"
"It's not bad. It's just...news. I just...I heard about Matthew, like, seeing someone else and—"
"It's PR." I blurted out.
"Wh...Huh?"
"Matthew. He's PR. I don't know why I'm telling you this now, but, he's PR."
"Oh."
Well, that definitely shut her up. I had almost forgotten that Lauren still wasn't sure if he was my actual boyfriend or not. The thought made me want to burst out laughing, but I stayed composed.
"Yeah, so...like, I'm fine." I chuckled.
"Well, that's good." she laughed lightly.
"Not for the other girl who doesn't know it's PR."
"Shit."
"Yeah. I told Matthew he should tell her, but he didn't think that was a smart idea. The less people that know, the better. At least that's what Roger says."
"Ah, yes. Good old Roger."
"Yeah. Um, so...your news?"
"Yes. News. Um, well...actually, I wanted to ask about the night of my birthday."
"Ok."
"Well...what the fuck happened?"
Bingo. I was right about her not remembering anything. It was starting to make sense now, minus the 'someone' deleting the text message part. I still wasn't sure if I should believe that, but I chose to put it aside for now.
"Damn. How much did you drink?" I teased.
"More than any human being should in one night." she answered.
"Well, it was your birthday."
"Yeah...still not a good excuse to call you while shit-faced."
"So you do remember calling?"
"Basically anything I know is based off of what other people have told me. I'm honestly still trying to piece it all together, so, your help would be much appreciated." she giggled.
My smile faded again. Maybe this wasn't really about me? Maybe something else happened that night and she was just using me as another witness. Maybe we really were done.
"Well, you called around...um, it was around 7 A.M. in Spain." I began.
"Oh, shit. I forgot you were in Spain for this." she said.
"Yeah, so, whatever time that is in America, that's when you called."
"What did I say?"
"Um...I mean, it lasted like 2 minutes."
"Camila, I'm calling you because I want to know exactly what I said. I...no filter, remember?"
Ok, so maybe this was about me. I hated that I had been pushed to a point where I had to assume that I was the last thing on Lauren's mind at all times. Then again, after that call...I couldn't help but question everything. This was my chance to call her out, to ask her how she felt about me...to tell her how I felt about her.
"You were mad at me.", I started, "Because I didn't wish you a happy birthday."
Silence. She was waiting for me to go on.
"And so...you just started saying a lot of shit, Lauren.", I continued, "At first you were upset and you were asking why I wasn't talking to you and then...I don't know. Something shifted."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You...you were crying. A lot. And apologizing and...and just asking if...if you'd lost me forever."
The green eyed girl fell silent again. I wanted to give her a second to let it all sink in. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes and discovering that I had poured my heart and soul out in a drunken state and couldn't even remember it.
"So I haven't?" she asked quietly.
"What?" I asked, not sure I had heard her correctly.
"I haven't lost you...?"
"I...well, obviously not."
"It hasn't been very obvious."
"And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I didn't reach out to you on your birthday. I know we've talked about that before...I'm just...in a weird place right now."
That was the best way I could describe it. With all of the pressure of deciding if and when I wanted to come out, along with figuring out what to do with my feelings for Lauren, I had a lot on my plate in the love department while somehow also having nothing at all.
Everything else was going absolutely spectacularly. Sometimes it was crazy to me that the world would never know what I was going through based on what they saw on social media. According to that, I was the happiest that I could possibly be. The thing was, most people would never be given the opportunity to read between the lines, if they even cared enough to try.
"You really don't have to apologize.", Lauren said, "I'm the idiot that called you drunk."
"You're not an idiot." I replied.
"No, I kind of am.", she laughed, "You needed time and space for whatever reason and I needed to respect that. Sober Lauren knew that...but..."
"But what?"
"But sober Lauren is also feeling everything drunk Lauren was."
My heart sank. I wanted so badly to just tell her everything.
"I know." I said quietly.
I heard Lauren release a deep sigh, followed by more silence. We couldn't carry on like this. Something needed to change, one way or another.
"Look..."
"Let's meet up." I blurted out, interrupting her.
"What?" she scoffed.
"You...I want to really talk about all of this. I want to explain."
"Are you serious?"
"Look, I'll be back in L.A. in a few days and...well, I'm sort of busy for a while but we'll find time. I...I want to do this in person."
"Camila, are you sure? I'm really not trying to push you to talk if you're not ready. I just wanted to clear up that night and--"
"I'm sure, Lauren. Please. Could you just wait a little bit longer?"
More silence. The silence was excruciating. What if she was about to drop it all and forget about me?
"I told you I'd be here when you're ready." she finally said.
I breathed a sigh of relief at her calming words and allowed my smile to return again.
"Ok.", I said, "I'll let you know when I'm free."
"I look forward to it." she answered.
With that, we fell silent again, but this silence was different. It carried hope; hope for what exactly, I wasn't sure. All I knew was that, as I sat there in my father's car in the Miami heat and stared out at the small pond in front of me, I could literally feel my heart beating against my rib cage.
Everything was about to change.