June 1st, 2018
5:30 P.M.
Camila
I had rewritten the post about 10 times now. Nothing sounded right. It just didn't feel right to exclude myself from this.
It was finally June again, which meant it was pride month; the month that gay marriage was finally legalized in all 50 states. This had happened 3 years ago, and I still couldn't post a simple tweet about the LGBT community without my team micromanaging everything.
Love was still an issue for people.
I sighed as I erased my words again, contemplating whether or not I should just give up and remain silent. Half of the things that I wrote and liked, Roger declined, and all of the other stuff just felt so inauthentic. I was getting so fed up with keeping up this image.
"Roger?" I spoke up.
My manager looked up from his cellphone and locked eyes with me.
"Another draft done?" he asked.
"Um...not really." I said.
"Oh. Well, what's up?"
"It's just...don't you think this is kind of ridiculous? Putting so much effort into one little tweet?"
"You don't have to post anything. This was your idea, C."
"No, I want to. I just..."
"You want to post whatever you want."
"Well...yeah."
Roger frowned just before returning his attention back to his phone.
"We've talked about this." he mumbled.
"And we never get anywhere." I countered.
"Because there's nowhere to go."
"According to you."
"According to everyone, Camila.", Roger sighed as he looked up at me again, "We've been through this. It's not the time."
"Then when is?" I snapped, tossing my phone down on the small table next to me.
Roger's eyes widened slightly. He wasn't used to me fighting back, and, after the whole episode of him telling Matthew I was lesbian, I was starting to think that he was getting a little scared of me. He stared back at me for a few seconds, probably contemplating what to say next to not set me off even more.
"You know I don't have an answer to that." he said calmly.
I just wanted to scream and cry and punch something all at the same time. This was getting so unbelievably frustrating.
"It's 2018, Roger.", I whined, "I really don't think my career is going to end if I come out."
"It won't end, but it won't continue along this trajectory.", he said sternly, "You are blowing up right now. We can't have any setbacks. You're naive to think that your hardcore fans are the only ones that matter."
"Maybe they're the only ones I care about. Maybe I don't want fans who are going to leave me for loving a woman."
"And maybe this is all just talk because I know that you have bigger dreams than this will allow you to accomplish."
"I just don't think it would be that dramatic."
Roger sighed and stood up from his chair, placing his phone in his pocket. He made his way over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.
"Camila, I want you to think of all of the big names in the music industry.", he began, "Drake, Ed Sheeran, Beyoncé, even Taylor. These are the names that everybody knows, regardless of what type of music they're into or what community they're a part of. These are internationally recognizable artists who are beloved and held in high regards. Now, name any other artist who is at their level and is a part of the LGBT community."
"Elton John." I said defiantly.
"Elton John came out years after he started making music and after years of success.", he countered as he took his hands off of me, "Ricky Martin, same situation. Any big names you think of were supposedly straight while they were climbing the ladder to success. Timing is extremely important."
"Ok, but they're also artists from ages ago! Dozens of people are starting out already openly gay or come out pretty soon after getting started now. It's a different time."
"But not a single one of those is at the global level that I'm talking about. The level that you want to be at. The level I know that you can reach."
"Roger, for me it's always been about the music and the fans and touching people's hearts."
"And you can't do that at the scale that you deserve to if you make the wrong move here. I know it's frustrating , but I also know that you understand this and that you know what I'm saying is true. Otherwise, you would've pulled the trigger and come out already."
I felt my stomach sink. He was right. I couldn't help but think back to how Lauren came out. The team had outed her in the way they wanted, but she still chose to add her own flair to it. She had that strength in her that I could just never muster up. In the end, I would always obey; I would always do what I had to because I did have that goal of global success in mind. This was my dream.
The green eyed girl had even asked me why I hadn't come out yet during one of our heated arguments. She knew the truth too; I was all talk. I spent too much time talking about what I wanted, but didn't have the strength or courage to make it happen. It was happening again, right now, with Roger. He would win this argument like he always did.
Unless he didn't.
"A person can only be pushed for so long. Eventually, they break." I said, not breaking eye contact for a second.
"You're too smart to break over something like this." he said, a hint of warning in his tone.
"Something like this? Roger...I'm starting to feel horribly inauthentic. My fans know. They know and a lot of them share this with me and I would love to be able to openly share it with them and to be able to date whoever I want and to not have to lug a fake boyfriend around all the time. I left Fifth Harmony because I felt restricted. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I know that this is a process and I know that this could possibly hinder my growth. I know all of this, but I also know that I've come a long way and that I'm not sure how much longer I can take hiding a big piece of my life from everyone."
"Until the time is right."
"Give me a timeline."
"What?"
"Give me something to hope for here, Roger. Or else I'll..."
"You'll what, Camila? You'll get a new manager?"
Roger stood there staring back at me with his hands on his hips, his challenge hanging in the air. Honestly, I didn't know what I was threatening to do. I just needed him to know how serious I was about this. This was the last aspect of my life that was keeping me from being completely and totally free. I had really had enough.
"Or else I'll do it myself." I finally said.
Roger scoffed as he moved to cross his arms. He scratched his chin while he continued to stare at me intently.
"Good luck." was all that he said before walking away.
..............................................................
June 28th, 2018
1:00 A.M.
Lauren
"Jesus." I mumbled as I felt the liquid burn its way down my throat.
I was in New York and I was celebrating my 22nd birthday with my family and friends. I swear, my birthday seemed to get better every single year; or maybe it the blissful escapes like these just seemed to be less frequent as time went on. Either way, I was having an amazing time.
"How you feeling, baby?" Ty laughed as he rubbed my back.
I took a second to let the light-headed feeling from the tequila die down a bit, my hand placed carefully on my chest as I waited. I turned to face Ty, licking the rest of the liquor from my lips.
"I'm feeling 22." I giggled.
"Yeah?", he chuckled, "How about we go back to our room and think of more ways to make you feel 22?"
"Mmm, like what?"
"Liiike....", Ty began as he leaned in to whisper in my ear, "Body shots."
At first, I giggled and bit my lip at the thought, but suddenly my mind went to the last place I wanted it to go that night. I couldn't help but think of the last time I had done body shots...
May 1st, 2015
1:00 A.M.
Camila squealed excitedly as she reached for the handle of tequila Ally had bought for the five us the night before. I had it stashed safely away in my mini fridge, seeing as no one else had claimed it as quickly as I had. I chuckled as I watched the brown eyed girl unscrew the top.
"Who goes first?" she asked, her bottom lip disappearing between her teeth soon after.
The slightly blurry image of Camila in front of me was way too enticing. I knew that if we hooked up now, there was no turning back again; but the alcohol was propelling my every move. I stepped towards her and took the jug from her small hands.
"You're the beginner. I should show you how it's done." I said seductively.
"I wonder how many more ways you can corrupt me." she grinned, poking my nose with her index finger.
"Hey, this was your idea."
"Details, details." she said with a wave of her hand as she over towards the bed.
Camila plopped down onto the mattress and lifted her shirt halfway, revealing her perfectly tanned and flat stomach to me. She laid down on her back then looked up at me.
"Well? I don't have all day." she giggled.
"We do have all night, though." I said with a wink as I approached her.
"Wink again."
I complied immediately, winking once again as I hovered over her body. Camila giggled lightly before biting down on her lower lip. God, she was fucking adorable.
"Ready?" I asked as I lowered the handle down towards her stomach.
"I was born ready." she answered, propping herself up on her elbows.
"Don't lean forward too much."
That was the last thing I said before finally pouring a small shot's worth of tequila into the brown eyed girl's cute belly button. I licked my lips at the sight, eager to stick my tongue into the tiny pool.
"Dammit. I wish we had salt and lime." I sighed.
"You can pretend they're there." she rasped.
I finally removed my eyes from her tan stomach to look up at her again. Camila's expression was slightly more serious now, with only a small smirk replacing the full grin she had been sporting earlier. Her pupils had grown three sizes. I felt a tingling sensation in my stomach as I took in the sight of her.
"Whatever you say, babe." I practically whispered.
I watched Camila smile smugly before turning my attention back to her exposed skin. I couldn't wait any longer. I placed the handle on the floor then moved to straddle Camila on the bed, placing my hands by her sides. We shared one last electric gaze before I finally leaned down.
My tongue connected with the skin just above the waistband of her shorts and slowly travelled up to her belly button. Once I reached my destination, I stuck my tongue in and sucked the strong liquid into my mouth. I let my tongue explore the area until every last drop was gone, placing a light kiss on her belly button once I was done.
I looked into Camila's eyes as I started to crawl up her body, now noticing her chest rising and falling quickly with her ragged breaths. We both knew what was next: the invisible "lime" between her lips. This was my last chance to stop this before things got too heated...
"Lo?" Ty's voice snapped me out the thoughts of my lustful memories.
I quickly refocused my attention on my boyfriend, shocked at how much I'd zoned out. That was when it hit me: Camila hadn't wished me a happy birthday.
I thought back to 2017, when we had both wished each other a happy birthday even when we weren't talking; when we had explained how much we valued each other's sheer existence. I couldn't believe that she hadn't at least texted me.
"I have to pee." I mumbled as I sloppily stood from my seat.
"Woah.", Ty said as he grabbed my arm and stood with me, "Let me walk you."
"I can walk to the bathroom by myself." I huffed, ripping my arm from his grip.
"Baby, you're drunk as hell." he chuckled.
"I'm fine."
With that, I stumbled away from the table, ignoring the few pairs of eyes I caught looking my way, and made a beeline for the bathroom with my phone in my hand. The second I opened the door, I scrolled through my contacts and pulled my phone up to my ear. After a few rings, I finally heard her voice again.
"Lauren?" Camila asked, her voice tired.
"Hi." I said, all other words suddenly disappearing from my brain.
"I...am I still asleep?"
"No."
"Um...I—"
"Why didn't you text me?"
"What?"
"You missed my fucking birthday, Camila."
"Lauren—"
"No. No, you need to explain this to me right now." I whined, tears unexpectedly starting to fill my eyes.
"Hold on."
"What?"
But she didn't answer. I heard a bit of rustling on the other end, letting me know that she hadn't hung up. After a few seconds, her voice reappeared, a bit louder this time.
"Sorry. It's 7 A.M. here." she finally said.
"Here? Where's here?" I asked in confusion.
"I'm in Spain."
My jaw dropped slightly as I realized that I already knew that little fact. I couldn't help but keep up with Camila on social media every now and then, seeing as it was the only way to know anything about her at this point.
"Oh, right." I said.
"Are you drunk?" she asked.
"Yes. Because it's my fucking birthday."
"Lauren, just calm down for a second. Please."
"You didn't even text me, Camila. Two words. You couldn't even do that?"
Silence. I went on with my drunk rambling.
"It fucking hurts, you know?", I began, "First, you drop me out of nowhere and won't even tell me why. Then, you proceed to somehow involve Dinah and Lucy and God knows who else in this shit. How is it that you can talk to everyone about me but you can't talk to me? How is it that you can't even send me one little text on my birthday? Is that really too much to ask, Camila? I'm going crazy over here wondering what the fuck I did wrong and if were ever going to be alright again and then you don't even acknowledge m-"
I interrupted myself with an unexpected sob. I was crying. I was bawling my eyes out over one little text; or, rather, the lack thereof. Then again, I knew it wasn't just about this one text. This breakdown was so much more than that, and long overdue.
"Please stop crying." Camila said weakly, reminding me that she was actually there.
"I can't control this shit.", I slurred, "It's, like, pouring out of me, Camila. I feel like it's never going to stop."
"It'll stop. Then, we can talk."
"No! I want to talk now."
"Lauren, I don't want to have this conversation with you like this."
"Please, Camila, I've had enough. Just tell me what's going on. Tell me why you won't talk to me. Tell me that I'm not losing you forever."
"Lauren—"
"I don't-I can't do this. Is this a punishment for how shitty I've been to you? Because if it is I-I'm sorry, Camila. I'm so sorry. I feel like I can never apologize enough. I feel like nothing I do will ever make up for all of this shit I put you through, but I...I need to try. I'll try as long as it takes. I'll try forever. Just d-don't leave me like this. I know I've left so many times and I've left without a word but p-please. That's not happening ever again. I know me, now. I'm free now. I-I'm better now. I just...I just need you to tell me that I didn't fuck us up forever. Please. I-"
Suddenly, the line went dead. I pulled the phone away from my ear to make sure that this was actually happening. Did she really just hang up on me? I couldn't even really remember what I had been saying at this point. All I knew was that her hanging up was the last thing I could handle in that moment.
I slowly slid down the wall of the bathroom as I locked my phone, tossing the piece of plastic aside as I slumped down onto the tiled floor. My head was spinning. My heart was racing. My cheeks were soaked and my eyes were swollen. Happy fucking birthday, right?
"Lauren?"
I looked up to see one of my best friends, Erica, hovering over me. I smiled up at her, letting the tequila takeover yet again.
"Hi, baby." I grinned, feeling my mascara running down my face.
"Jesus, Lo, what the hell happened?" she asked as she bent down next to me, grabbing a paper towel on the way down.
"Oh, you know.", I slurred as she began to wipe at my face, "Emotions run high on birthdays. Everyone knows that."
Erica spent the next few minutes helping me get my shit together again, with me avoiding telling her what had caused all of the tears in the first place the entire time. Once I looked somewhat presentable again, the two of us made our way out of the bathroom. The first person I saw was Ty.
Our eyes met and I smiled weakly at him, trying to mask any pain I was still feeling in that moment and also just trying my best to focus through my hazy vision.
I couldn't tell for sure because I was so drunk, but something was different about him. Ty looked at me with an expression I had never seen before; some sort of strange combination of love and sadness.
It wasn't the kind of look that you get from your significant other when they see you completely plastered for the first time. No, this was something much deeper than that.
The morning would come and I would forget 99% of all of the nonsense I had spilled to Camila. I would struggle to remember exactly why Erica had picked me up off the ground in tears.
But I wouldn't forget that look I had seen on his face; because from that night on, he was different. I would catch glimpses of that look for the rest of our time together and endlessly wonder what was going on in his head, why he was looking at me like I was constantly breaking his heart.
It was only a matter of time before I would understand, before I would piece everything together, before I would realize that Ty knew more about that phone conversation than I ever would.
But we'll get to that.