April 15th, 2018
11:00 P.M.
Camila
"Great job tonight, love. Both performances." Matthew said with a wink.
I chuckled lightly at his joke as we stepped into my dressing room, finally able to let go of each other's hands.
"Thanks. You, too." I responded politely.
I had just finished up another show on my 'Never Be The Same' tour, and, once again, Matthew and I were in full on PR mode. My team had had Matthew fly in since it had been a while since we were publicly spotted together. Roger had made it extremely clear that I needed to be on my best behavior...
"As long as you're in the same place, you are a taken woman. He is your boyfriend. You are his girlfriend. Don't forget that. Not even for a second. Who knows where these crazy fans will go to catch you guys off guard."
And they did. None of us would find out until the next day, but some 'crazy fans' did actually end up getting some footage of Matthew and me backstage. The second I had finished one of my songs and started to walk backstage, I saw the British man waiting for me with a smile.
He is your boyfriend. You are a taken woman.
The words had started to float around in my head so much that part of me was actually sort of starting to believe it. Roger was good. He had conditioned me like I was some sort of lab rat.
But he still couldn't make me forget about Lauren. As I walked up to Matthew, I channeled my feelings for her into him. I pictured how it would feel to have Lauren waiting for me backstage, ready to congratulate me and wrap me up in her arms.
All actors have their methods, right?
So, we had finally made it backstage where no one could see us, and my sweaty hand was free of his rough palm.
"You know, sometimes it's a shame that we can't do this thing for real." Matthew said, bringing me out of my head and causing my heart to stop.
"What?" I asked, hoping I had heard him wrong.
"Do you know what I mean? It would be so much easier if we could actually feel that way about each other."
"I...I'm sorry, Matthew, I—"
"Oh, no, no! Relax, Camila.", he chuckled, "I'm not coming onto you. You're a bit too young for my taste, anyway."
"Oh.", I said, feeling an odd sense of rejection, "Then why'd you mention it?"
"I was just speculating. It's alright. I understand you want someone a bit more curvy than me." he laughed.
"Curvy?" I asked, furrowing my brow.
"A woman, Camila. A woman."
I froze. Did he...
"Who said I wanted a woman?" I asked abruptly.
"Um...", he laughed nervously, "You? Your team? This whole situation?"
"Wait, what are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Matthew, who told you I was into girls?"
"I...everything, Camila!", he said incredulously, "That's why we're doing this crazy thing, isn't it?"
"Do you just assume that every PR relationship is used to cover up someone's sexuality?"
"No. It's just what I was told. Roger told me everything when we drew this thing up."
I stared back at the older man, completely taken aback.
"Camila...", he said as he placed a hand on my shoulder, "It's alright, love. I'm not telling anyone."
"No, Matthew, you don't understand. There's nothing to tell."
"What—"
Suddenly, the door to my dressing room opened and Matthew and I both turned to see who had entered. Roger walked in with his famous 'what a great show' smile which only widened upon seeing the two of us.
"Hey, you two! Great work out there, as always." he said as he approached us.
"Roger, we need to talk." I said sternly.
I watched Roger's smile fade as he observed the serious expressions on both Matthew's and my face.
"Is everything ok?" he asked.
"I should go." Matthew spoke up.
"Oh, come on! You don't have to go." Roger said as he placed a hand on Matthew's shoulder.
"I think I do. Goodnight, Roger. Camila."
With that, Matthew disappeared out into the hallway, closing the door behind him and leaving me alone with my manager. Roger slowly turned to face me, kinking an eyebrow.
"What just happened?" Roger asked.
"Did you tell Matthew I was lesbian?" I asked, getting straight to the point.
"Uh...what happened, sweetie?"
"Answer me, Roger."
"Yes, I did."
"Why?"
He stared back at me with a puzzled expression, his jaw slightly ajar as if he was about to say something but had forgotten the words.
"Because...that's the point, Camila." he finally said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Sweetheart, this whole thing was to make you look straight...I...I thought we both knew that."
"I-I know that you're trying to propel my straight image but...I never said I was gay."
Rogers lips formed into a firm line, his brow now furrowed. I had never seen him look so confused in my entire life.
"But...Lauren...and..." he began.
"It doesn't matter.", I cut him off, "I never ever told you, or anyone, for that matter, what I am and I don't appreciate you telling people your assumptions as if they're the truth."
"Camila, I—"
"If the world wasn't so freaking judgmental and scary then maybe I wouldn't have a panic attack anytime I tried to figure it all out!"
"Mila—"
"And if you guys weren't so pushy then maybe we wouldn't even need Matthew! Maybe I could actually fall in love and maybe it could be a guy and maybe it couldn't! But that's not the case! The case is that I'm being constantly told what to do and how to act and now I'm being told who I can love?"
"Camila, please."
"Que esta pasando (What's going on)?"
Roger and I both turned towards the door to see none other than my mother storming in, a panicked look on her face. The second we made eye contact, I rushed over to her and wrapped my arms around her neck, burying my face into her shoulder.
I wasn't sure what sort of looks were exchanged between her and Roger as I shut my eyes, but I had a feeling he got the message that he needed to leave. A few seconds later, his footsteps were heard walking out into the hallway, the door shutting behind him.
At first, my mom said nothing. She simply held me, patiently waiting until I was ready to talk. God, I loved this woman so much, especially because I wasn't even sure that I wanted to talk at all.
I wasn't sure why this was getting to me so much. Of course, Matthew had to have at least a little bit of background as to why he was here. It was reasonable.
But my emotions were not. They were running wild, bouncing around inside my body at an increasing rate. It felt like they were expanding inside of me, or maybe the room was just getting smaller? And why was my heart beating so fast? Too fast.
I knew this feeling all too well by this point. My mother did, too, and so she held me. She held me as I fell into an excruciating panic attack, my hands shaking as they attempted to latch onto her sweater.
How could my life be going so well and yet so unbelievably poorly all at the same time?
..............................................................
April 16th, 2018
1:00 A.M.
Lauren
I watched the thick smoke leave my mouth, completely entranced by the way it dissolved into the air. I didn't give a fuck what anyone said anymore; this shit was beautiful. Watching the light substance evaporate was seriously one of the best parts of smoking. Then again, I was probably just really high.
Ty's small chuckles brought me out of my trance. I slowly turned my head to look at him, a small smile now stretched across my face.
"Having fun there, baby?" he asked with a giggle.
"You know I love watching this shit." I replied as I handed the blunt back to him.
"I love watching you watch this shit. It's art, for real."
"Shut up."
Ty grinned just before taking another hit of the joint. The two of us had just gotten back from our second day of Coachella and were smoking one last time before going to bed, which was honestly unnecessary because I was already high out of my mind. I hadn't been sober all day.
Ty and I had had an amazing time, as usual, but my high ass still couldn't help but wonder how Camila was doing and what she was up to. Smoking all day had me in my head way too much; so much that I had to get my thoughts out.
"Do you think it's possible to love two people at once?" I asked suddenly.
Ty finished his drag and locked eyes with me once again. I watched as he released the smoke from between his lips, licking my own instinctively as he did so.
"Like polyamory?" he finally responded.
"Like...well, yeah I guess." I said.
"Well, it happens, doesn't it? So, I guess it's possible." he said as he handed the blunt back to me.
"But do you think it's really love?"
"Depends on how you define love."
I frowned as I let Ty's words sink in, disappointed by his response. Maybe I needed to be a little more obvious. I took another hit of the blunt before speaking again.
"But, like...", I began, "What if you define love as a monogamous thing? What if you always have and then...and then, suddenly, you question your love for more than one person."
"Lo, you of all people know how important growth is. Things change, people change. You're not expected to believe one thing your entire life." he answered.
"I know...I just don't get how you know if it's love." I said, looking down at my feet.
Ty laughed lightly, causing me to look up at him again.
"Why do you sound like a middle schooler in their first relationship?" he chuckled.
"I don't!", I argued as I handed him the blunt, "I'm just saying...how do you know it's not just leftover feelings?"
"Oh, like, with an ex?"
"Yeah."
Ty narrowed his eyes at me, as if he suddenly knew what I was alluding to. Maybe I had taken it a step too far. He looked away from me as he took another hit, gathering his words.
"I don't think you ever really stop loving exes." he said, causing my eyes to widen.
"What?" I asked.
"I mean, if you loved them at all in the first place.", he clarified as he looked at me again, "I don't think it's possible to stop loving someone."
"Ok, so, you do think you can love more than one person."
"Yeah."
"So why do people break up? I mean, why isn't everyone polyamorous?"
"Because...just because you love someone doesn't mean they know how to love you back."
I stared into his blown out pupils, trying to pretend his words hadn't hit me like a fucking truck. My mind immediately went to the brown eyed girl, the woman who had loved me like crazy and who I loved back. We knew how to love each other, but...
"Or you don't know how to love yourself when you're with them." I said absentmindedly.
"Yeah...I guess so." he shrugged as he handed the blunt back to me.
As I took the paper tube between my fingers again, I looked away from my boyfriend, feeling as though I was betraying him by simply having this conversation. I wasn't entirely sure if he could tell that I was speaking for myself and not just having a random discussion, but just the possibility that he was suspicious was enough to finally shut me up.
This meant I was right back in my head, now with new information to process. Then again, it wasn't really new information; it was simply a connecting of the dots. The only difference between how I felt about Camila and how I felt about Ty was how they made me feel about myself.
Ty made me feel like a fucking queen. He challenged me to reach my full potential, helped me to take time to understand and love myself, encouraged me to go after what made my heart come alive.
Camila had been an entirely different story. With all of the Fifth Harmony drama, it felt like we were always competing, in a strange way. I had spent so many years not only losing myself because I was so wrapped up in her, but also feeling as though I wasn't even good enough to be with her.
Camila's the star of the group.
She's confused. She's only with you because of the circumstances.
You're holding her back.
You don't deserve her.
You'll never fulfill her.
She doesn't really love you.
These toxic thoughts that had plagued my mind every day since Camila and I had gotten together were all rushing back to me now. I hadn't really thought about it all in such a long time, and it fucking hurt to remember. I had felt so low for so long...but the thing was, none of it was really Camila's fault.
It was the pressure from everyone around us coming down on us. The jealousy, the animosity, the insecurity...it was all caused by forces outside of ourselves and so we broke. Rather, I broke.
Ty was right. I wouldn't stop loving her, but not because she didn't know how to love me right. I simply hadn't known how to love myself while I was with her. Was it possible...that I could know how to in the future? Or maybe even now?
Then again, did I really want to give up something so good for such a high risk?
..............................................................
April 27th, 2018
11:00 P.M.
Camila
"I have an important question for you." I said.
"I highly doubt it's important but go for it." Shawn replied with a grin.
"So, Canadians love donuts, but are also super nice, right?"
"You know, just because we're actually in Canada doesn't mean you can up the stereotype usage."
"Oh, my sweet sweet Canadian boy, I can always up the stereotype usage."
"I think this is racism."
"Gosh, some people are so sensitive. Can I just ask my question?"
"Go." he laughed.
"If there were two Canadians and one donut left, who would eat it?"
"Is this going to have a punchline?"
"I wish. That would mean it has an answer. Right now it's just a horrible paradox that's been on my mind for years."
"Years? This is what you wonder about?"
"My mind is a wonderful place."
Shawn and I laughed together as we made our way back to my dressing room. I had just finished up yet another show on my tour, but this time I was in Shawn's territory: Toronto, Canada. It had been a while since I had gotten to spend time with him and I was having the time of my life.
Currently, being the kind soul that he was, Shawn had offered to walk back to the dressing room with me to get my earrings I had left there. Once we entered the empty room, I made my way towards the drawer I had left the earrings in while Shawn leaned on the doorframe.
"So, are we going to talk about this guy or what?" he spoke up.
"Guy? What guy?" I asked as I approached the drawer.
"Matthew."
I immediately turned my head so that Shawn wouldn't be able to see my reaction. Matthew was the absolute last thing I wanted to talk about, especially after that breakdown I had had about two weeks earlier.
I thought back to that night as I opened the drawer up, a wave of emotion threatening to take over again. I had had my fans labeling me for years, or at the very least simply saying that I belonged with Lauren, but hearing it from people I knew was something entirely different.
The strangest part about that entire encounter was that I realized that I finally related to the green eyed girl more than I ever had before. She was the first person I thought of once I had recovered from my mini panic attack, because I suddenly understood what she had been going through throughout our entire time together in the group.
Lauren constantly complained about people labeling her and telling her who she was supposed to love. I had never let it get to me, mainly because I had a super soft spot for all of our fans and never blamed them for much of anything, but having someone close to me like Roger assume something about me...it hurt like hell.
I knew that I was being a bit over dramatic. It's not like I wasn't gay. I knew that at least part of me was. That was the thing, though; I still had no idea what I was. I was sick of trying to figure it out in this environment, especially when my feelings for Lauren were clouding my ability to even think about anyone else. Why couldn't Shawn just let me have a night off from thinking about it all?
"Camila?"
I spun around to face him, realizing that I had gotten lost in my thoughts again. None of this was Shawn's fault. He had no idea what was going on and he was just asking, as a friend. I couldn't be upset with him...but that didn't mean I had to tell him the truth.
"Sorry. I was just looking for the earrings." I said lamely.
"Did you find them?" he asked as he started walking towards me.
"Um...", I said as I faced the drawer again, "I think so."
"Camila."
I locked eyes with Shawn again, but now he was much closer than before. The younger boy stood two feet away from me, his arms crossed expectantly.
"What?" I asked.
"Answer me." he said with a small grin.
"Did you ask something?"
"I asked what the deal is with this Matthew guy."
"What do you mean? You know the deal."
"Do I?"
"Everyone does."
"Mhm." he hummed with narrowed eyes.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Shawn stared back at me for a few seconds, not saying a single word, but with that smirk plastered across his face the entire time. Without warning, he suddenly stepped forward and cupped my face in his hands. Next came his lips.
For a split second, I felt myself relax into the kiss, but almost immediately my eyes widened and I pushed him off of me.
"Shawn!" I practically screamed at him.
"What?" he asked calmly.
"What do you mean, what?"
"Why are you freaking out?"
"Because! Because you're you! And because what the heck?"
"But not because you have a boyfriend."
"I don't—"
I cut myself off, my hands rushing to cover my mouth before I said anything else. Shawn chuckled lightly and I suddenly realized exactly what he had done.
"Did you seriously just kiss me so I would admit Matthew's fake?" I whined.
"Yup." he grinned.
"And you couldn't have just talked to me like a regular human being?"
"This was faster."
"Four years, Shawn. Almost four years I've known you and you would never kiss me. Not even in spin the bottle. Not even when I asked you to be my beard. And now, you kiss me. For this."
"This is a big deal, Camila."
"That I have a PR boyfriend? Seems pretty industry standard to me."
"You haven't done this since Austin, and, even then, a part of you still liked him. So, why the heck are you doing this? I know you hate this shit."
I winced at the gravity of his words. He was right. I hated this.
"I don't really have a choice, Shawn. You know that." I said, my tone slowly shifting from shock to sadness.
"I just don't get what they're trying to protect. I mean, when you and Lauren were actually in the group together it made more sense, but, now?" he responded.
"Now, they think I've been single for way too long and people will start to question it."
"And they think this random 30 year old man would fool people?"
"It fools the people who want me to be straight."
"I guess that's why it didn't fool me."
I kinked an eyebrow at Shawn and let out a small giggle.
"You don't want me to be straight?" I asked.
"I want you to be whatever it is you want to be.", he said as he placed his hands on my shoulders and shook me lightly, "You should have everything you want right now. It kills me that you don't."
I smiled bashfully up at him, suddenly feeling my heart in my throat. I loved this boy so much.
"It's not that simple." I replied weakly.
"I know.", he sighed as he removed his hands from my shoulders, "I know this world we're in is...complicated...but you left Fifth Harmony so that you could fully express yourself. Whether you want to admit it or not, your sexuality is a huge part of you, Camila. And I'm not saying that because everyone else wants to group people by who and what they're into. I'm not saying it defines you. I'm saying that you are a huge ball of love and authenticity, and when you have to put any sort of filter on either of those things...well, it dulls your light a little bit."
I immediately collapsed into the taller boy, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face into his chest. I felt tears starting to escape my eyes and fall onto his shirt. He reciprocated, putting his arms around me as well.
"Why are you so freaking great?" I choked.
"Because I love you." he said simply.
I slowly pulled away from his muscular arms and looked up at him again, wiping away the tears staining my cheeks. He flashed me a sad smile while we locked eyes, and so I did the unthinkable.
I leaned into him again, this time placing my hands on his chest and pressing my lips against his for the second time in my life. Shawn seemed a bit hesitant at first, but I slowly felt his hands on my forearms as he kissed me back. He ran his fingers up to my hands until he grabbed them and pulled them off of his chest. Our lips finally disconnected.
Shawn and I stared at each other for a few seconds, our expressions completely serious now. Then, at the exact same time, we both started to smile. Next, we were laughing.
"No." he laughed, finally letting go of my hands.
"Yeah, nope." I agreed as I took a step away from him.
"I guess at least now we know."
"I think we always knew."
"True."
"Let's go." I giggled.
The two of us laughed together as we started walking out of the dressing room. Shawn was like a brother to me, and, even if he wasn't, there was no way that I would jeopardize a friendship as good as ours; a friendship that made me feel like I was worth more than what I could produce and how well I could perform.
I left the venue that night with Shawn's words swirling around in my head. Maybe it was time that I finally fought harder. Lauren had, and she had been out and proud for over a year now. It seemed as though this was the last thing holding me back...other than the glaring issue of me still being in love with the green eyed girl.
But that issue had no solution. I needed to get over her, and maybe coming into myself would help me do just that. It's such a shame that the battle to do just that would be so incredibly difficult.