October 24th, 2017
10:00 A.M.
Camila
I still couldn't believe how well Lauren had reacted to what I'd told her about the music video. I found it even harder to believe her reaction after she'd actually seen it. I had been so scared that she would've been angry and reacted like she had to 'I Know What You Did Last Summer', my collaboration with Shawn back in 2015.
But she didn't. This time around, despite knowing exactly what parts I had hidden our story in, she didn't seem to care. Granted, I hadn't exactly explained it in full to her, but still. She was absolutely nothing but supportive, complimenting the humor, the dancing, the art, and even me, saying:
L: And you look amazing in it🙊🙊
L: It's so you Camila
L: I love it and I love that you can express your story like this
L: I don't even give a fuck that I'm Juan/his evil twin bc it's so great
L: But actually there is something that's sort of bothering me
I knew it. I knew that it was too good to be true. There was no way Lauren's hot temper had diffused that much.
C: Stop stop too much praise😭💕
C: But thank youuuu☺️☺️
C: And what's that?
L: So I'm Juan and Roberto right
C: Right
C: I feel like an idiot
L: What wait why?
C: For telling you
C: It's embarrassing😞
L: No stop!!! Don't be embarrassed
L: No filter anymore remember?
L: Besides you don't think you've helped inspire some of our new stuff? Or my new stuff?
C: Your new stuff?
L: Spoiler alert
C: Omg Lauren WHAT
L: We'll talk about that later😜
L: POINT IS I'm Juan and Roberto
L: But why am I both
C: What do you mean
L: Why'd you split them in two?
Oh God. I should've known Lauren would be too perceptive to not ask questions. I already felt stupid enough even telling her she was involved, but if we were going to try out this new honesty thing, might as well dive in head first, right? I just wasn't sure if this pool was deep enough yet...
C: Telenovelas always have evil twins 😉
My decision had been made. I just couldn't tell her the truth; not all of it, at least. Especially not after she accused me of still being in love with her. This would make me sound crazy.
The truth was, I had split my love interest into two for a very specific reason: one was the Lauren I had actually gotten, and the other was the Lauren I never had.
The evil twin in bed with the other women represented Lauren with Lucy, or Luis, or Brad, or whoever the heck was coming between us at any given time. It was a representation of how much trust had been lost between us.
But the twin coming out of the closet...well, that was definitely the more obvious one, but it was also the Lauren I never got. Her coming out wasn't for me, like I'd always imagined it would be. I never got that validation I had always wanted from her, we never got to make that bold announcement to the world that we were together and in love, and she definitely never got down on one knee and...
There's a reason the telenovela scene cut off there, too; because that ending didn't exist. If I sat there and told Lauren all of that...it would just be way too much. Sure, Lauren was extremely emotional, passionate, and romantic like I was, but I was just scared that she wouldn't understand that this was a release of past feelings through my art. I didn't want her to run again, even though she promised she wouldn't drop me anymore. It was a risk I wasn't willing to take.
L: Lmao ok sorry I thought it was deeper than that😂😂
C: Sorry to disappoint😉
L: You didn't
L: Camila for real this is so dope
L: And the dedication to the dreamers at the end😭😍😭😍
L: I'm really proud of you❤️
I smiled down at the screen, still not used to getting this sort of appraisal from the green eyed girl. For the first time in a while, maybe even since the X Factor, things between us actually felt...secure.
C: Thanks😭😭😭 I still can't believe this is my life
L: Of course you can't😉
L: You're too humble for that
Alright, was I crazy, or was she complimenting me a lot more than usual? Is this what no filter meant? If so...I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it yet. So, I weaved my way around the compliment the best way I knew how.
C: BE HUMBLE SIT DOWN
L: Ah so that's where your humility comes from
C: Yeah I really took Kendrick's words to heart
C: He's my inspiration
L: Lmao wait didn't you actually cover him or something on the Bruno tour?
C: Yes Lauren I covered Kendrick his songs really show off my vocal talent
L: Ok I guess it was a rumor😂
C: Not entirely
L: What does that mean
C: That's for me to know and you to never find out
L: The internet begs to differ
C: Oh no
L: Camila holy shit I can't believe how much your dancing has changed😂😂
C: Yeah it's gotten a lot worse right
L: Yeah you should start taking classes or something
C: Noted
L: I'll ttyl I have some videos to watch now😜
C: Omg shutup hahahaha
..................................
C: You're not actually going through my tour videos are you?
..................................
C: Lauren?
..................................
C: LAUREN
..............................................................
October 27th, 2017
7:30 P.M.
Lauren
I wasn't exactly sure why, but I was shaking. My hands were a little sweaty as I reached up to knock on her door, her all too familiar name staring back at me in bold letters. Yet, I was smiling. I allowed my knuckles to tap on the wood in front of me and waited.
"Come in!" her raspy voice rang out from the other side.
I took a deep breath before wrapping my slippery fingers around the doorknob and pushing the door open. The second our eyes met, my smile grew wider than I even thought possible.
"Hi." she said, biting her bottom lip to hold back her grin.
"Hi." I returned as I closed the door behind me.
Camila immediately got up from her chair and strode over to me with purpose, a huge smile plastered across her face. I prepared myself to receive her, opening my arms just before she reached me and pulled me into her.
I held her tightly, not fully believing that this was actually happening. The last time I had seen Camila was when she was out to lunch with Lucy, which barely counted, and the time before that had been at the KCA's when we had decided to stop talking...or rather when the rest of the girls sort of made the decision for us.
In other words, it had been over 6 months since I had hugged the brown eyed girl; and it felt so fucking good. I relaxed into her embrace, rocking back and forth with her, my arms easily wrapped around her slim torso.
"Oh my god, I can't believe you're here." she said into my ear.
I finally let my hands slide to her waist so that I could pull away from her and look at her. We both let out fits of nervous laughter as we stared at each other. Camila moved her hands to my face and pinched my cheeks.
"You're real again." she said with a smile.
I couldn't help but giggle at her words.
"I'm real." I laughed, unable to find any other words.
"Ok, sorry, I'll stop being weird."
Camila removed her hands from my face and took a step back while I finally let my arms drop to my sides. I allowed myself to fully scan her, taking in her done-up appearance.
"You look great, Camila." I said sincerely, returning my gaze to her eyes.
"You do, too.", she beamed, "Ok, wait, I'm going to be weird again."
"Why am I not surprised?"
"Have you been working out?"
I simply chuckled at the question.
"Ok, because, I don't know...", Camila quickly continued, reaching out to lightly caress my arm, "...your arms feel, like...stronger, or something."
I watched Camila's hand as it returned to her side, marveling at how naturally everything still felt with her. Apparently, our touchiness would never be weird.
"Camila, I'm still just as good at working out as you are...provided you still suck at it." I laughed.
"Yep, still terrible." she smiled.
"I have been doing yoga more, though, but that's more therapeutic to me than exercise, you know?"
"Yeah, I guess it must be that push-up dance break you guys added to your choreo, right?"
"Oh, the one where we all do push-ups while Mani does backflips over us?"
"That's the one."
"Yeah, you're right. I forgot about that one."
Camila and I both punctuated our light banter with simultaneous smirks. I observed her for a bit longer, taking the opportunity to stare into those deep brown eyes I had missed so much. After a few seconds, something behind Camila caught my eye.
"You got Becky's flowers, too?" I asked, motioning towards a beautiful rose bouquet on a table in Camila's dressing room.
"Oh, yeah!", she said, turning towards the flowers, "She came by earlier and gave them to me. I still find it funny that we're friends."
"Yeah, well, Austin was the asshole, not her."
"Exactly. Wait, you guys got flowers, too?"
"Yeah, but, sadly, I didn't really get to admire them."
"What do you mean? Why not?"
"Well, you know how it is. It's one bouquet for four girls plus the team got all excited and took them somewhere. I didn't even get to take a picture."
With that, Camila stepped to the side and motioned for me to walk towards the flowers.
"Mis flores son tus flores (My flowers are your flowers)." she grinned.
"I like your Latin AMA's spirit." I said.
"Gracias."
Camila and I started making our way over to the table while I pulled my phone out. I started snapping some pictures, smiling the entire time. I fucking loved flowers, and these were incredible.
"Are you having fun?" Camila teased after a full minute of flower-admiring silence.
"So much it's kind of ridiculous." I laughed, snapping one last picture before turning to face her again.
"Let me see."
Camila and I gathered around my phone while I swiped through the rose bouquet photoshoot. She pointed out the ones she liked best, which, unsurprisingly, were the same as mine.
"Well, señorita...", I began as I put my phone away, "...thank you for the lovely flowers, but I have to head back."
"Yeah, aren't you guys performing first?" she asked.
"Yeah." I giggled.
"Lauren! You're going to be late!"
"This is your fault! You weren't on the red carpet so I had to come here."
"And that, is Roger's fault. He just...thought it was best."
My smile faltered a bit at that and I watched her expression grow a bit more serious. Obviously, he didn't want Camila to deal with running into us all on camera. It was as if the two of us had forgotten absolutely everything about our history for those few minutes, like we were meeting again for the first time. Now, it was all coming back to us.
"They want to see you, you know?" I said softly.
"They do?" Camila asked.
"Yeah. They're all just getting ready right now...which I should be, too.", I laughed, "But maybe after we both perform?"
"I...I mean, that would be great, if they really want to." she said shyly.
"They do." I said with a kind smile, placing my hand on her shoulder as I did so.
Camila returned the closed smile and suddenly, we entered into our famous stare offs, my thumb lightly caressing her shoulder. I studied each and every feature on her face: her sharp eyebrows, her tired eyes, her small nose, her pink lips. She was still Camila, but she was just a bit different, a bit older. She looked overwhelmingly familiar yet inexplicably like a stranger all at the same time.
"I'm really glad we're doing this." I practically whispered.
I didn't even have to explain what I meant before she said, "Me too."
After a few more seconds of silent smiling and staring, I finally took my hand off of Camila's shoulder and took a step back.
"Alright, I gotta go." I sighed.
"Yeah, you really do." she giggled.
"Wait, where's your crew?" I asked as I looked around the empty dressing room.
I hadn't even realized how odd it was to find Camila by herself in there.
"Um...busy." she said quietly.
I kinked an eyebrow at her, knowing that something was definitely up.
"Just don't worry about it. Go get ready!" she said as she started pushing me towards the door.
"Camila, what the fuck?" I chuckled.
"It's nothing." she smiled.
"No, you can't do that. We said no filter."
"No filter doesn't meant no secrets." she said with a wink.
"Does it not?"
"Just go, Lauren, there's no time for this." she sighed when she finally pushed my back into the surface of the door.
I stared at her for a few seconds, wishing I could just read her mind. She finally took her hands off of me and flashed me an 'innocent' grin.
"You suck." I laughed as I turned to open the door behind me.
"You don't need to know everything, you know." she teased.
"I don't strive to achieve the impossible, Camila, I just want to know what the fuck's going on."
"You. In, like, 30 minutes. So move."
I rolled my eyes while opening the door to finally leave. I turned to look at her one last time and suddenly realized that I couldn't leave without hugging her one more time. I closed the distance between us and pulled her into another warm embrace.
"Slay that stage tonight, alright mama?" I said.
"You, too. Este es nuestro mundo (This is our world)." she replied.
"Definitivamente es (It definitely is)."
We pulled away from our hug and smiled at each other one last time before I finally made my way out of her dressing room. As I made my way down the hall, I couldn't wipe the goofy grin off of my face. This was really happening. Camila and I were actually going to be ok, for once in practically the entire time we'd known each other.
Once I rounded the first corner on the way back to our dressing room, I stopped in my tracks. I found myself face to face with Roger, Camila's manager, a huge group of people who appeared to be her management team, and last, but most definitely not least, Camila's own mother locking eyes with me.
"Lauren!" Roger beamed, taking my attention away from Mrs. Cabello.
"Hi!" I returned, caught completely off guard.
If they were supposedly 'busy', why'd it look like they were just standing around?
"You already saw Camila, right?" he asked, now stepping closer to me with the crowd of people following him.
"Um...yeah." I said slowly, my eyes darting to Mrs. Cabello's again.
"Great! Break a leg out there, alright?"
With that, Roger patted me on the shoulder and motioned for their team to follow him back towards Camila's room. The swarm of people started flooding past me, each giving me a warm acknowledgement or a 'good luck'. Just when I thought I had missed the chance to say hi to Camila's mom, the crowd disappeared and revealed her to be the last one standing.
She flashed me a kind smile as she walked towards me, tilting her head to the side a bit. I wasn't sure what Camila had told her the past few months, but it was safe to assume that she knew everything at this point. On the plus side, it didn't look like she hated me. In fact, it looked like she was getting ready to hug me, just like her daughter had.
"Hola!" I chirped as I pulled the older woman into me.
"Lauren, que bueno verte, hija (It's so good to see you)." she said kindly as she returned my embrace.
"Igualmente (It's good to see you too)!", I said once I could look her in the eyes again, "Espero que estas muy orgullosa de tu hija ahorita (I bet you're so proud of your daughter right now)."
"Demasiado (Extremely).", she said sincerely, "Ha sido un viaje muy loco pero no lo cambiaria para nada (It's been a crazy journey, but I wouldn't change it for anything)."
I simply smiled weakly at her words, hating that I had been a part of tainting Camila's journey, and she a part of tainting ours. Even though Camila and I were on good terms, our history would always weigh us down, even if just a little bit.
"Tú puedes guardar un secreto, no (You can keep a secret, right)?" Camila's mom spoke up again, this time a bit quieter.
"Claro (Of course)..." I said, intrigued to see where this was going.
"Mira, no lo oíste de mi, ok? Pero cuando Camila supo que la ibas a visitar...nos hizo irnos del cuarto (Look, you didn't hear it from me, ok? But the second Camila knew you were coming to visit...she made us all leave the room)."
I let out a nervous chuckle at the fact.
"Quieres saber porque te estoy diciendo esto (Do you want to know why I'm telling you this)?" she continued.
I simply nodded, somewhat speechless at this point.
"Lo qué pasó con ustedes fue muy intenso. Yo se que no estuve presente para todas partes, pero ahora Camila me cuenta de todo. Yo se todo que está pasando entre ustedes dos (What happened between you was very intense. I know that I wasn't there for all of it, but Camila tells me everything now. I know everything that's happening between the two of you)."
My expression grew more serious as Sinuhe's tone did. What was she trying to say right now?
"Entonces, cuando Camila nos hizo irnos del cuarto...bueno, empecé a pensar en lo que significaba eso. Yo se que esos sentidos viejos no están allí ya, pero también se que ella se preocupa mucho por ti y que todavía te quiere mucho, obviamente. Todavía es una situación... (So, when Camila made us leave the room...well, I started to think about what that meant. I know that those old feelings aren't there anymore, but I also know that she cares about you a lot and still loves you so much, obviously. The situation is still very...)"
"Delicada (Delicate)." I finally spoke up, completing her sentence.
"Exactamente. Entiendes (Exactly. You understand)."
"Claro. Tienes que saber que no la quiero hacer más daño (Of course. You have to know that I don't want to hurt her anymore)."
"Yo se, cariño. Yo se que tus intenciones nunca son malas. Yo te conozco muy bien ahora (I know, sweetie. I know that you never have bad intentions. I know you very well at this point)." she said with a kind smile.
I returned the gesture, a bit unsure of what else to say or what the overall point of this conversation even was.
"Solo quiero decir que tengas cuidado. No lo digo solo por Camila, pero por ti, también. No quiero que te pasa ningún daño tampoco (I just want to tell you to be careful. I'm not just saying for Camila's sake, but for yourself, too. I don't want you to get hurt either)." she said.
"Gracias. Te aseguro que todo va salir bien esta vez. Lo siento en mi corazón (Thank you. I can assure you that everything will turn out ok this time. I feel it in my heart)."
"Sabes que? Yo lo siento también (You know what? I feel it, too)." she said with a reassuring pat on my shoulder.
With that, she tugged lightly on my shoulder and pulled me towards her for another hug. I happily obliged and wrapped my arms around the sweet woman, glad that everything was going to be ok with her too.
After saying our farewells, I started a light jog back to our dressing room. I was ridiculously late at this point. As I made my way back, I couldn't help but think about everything Camila's mom had said: about Camila literally emptying the room for me and still loving and caring about me
Was I being selfish since I had Ty? It was easy for me to shut off past feelings but what if I was leading Camila on, in a way? I really didn't want to hurt her anymore; ever again.
Then again, she was already moving on and open to dating other people (which became apparent after the Lucy situation). I just needed to not overthink, which was ridiculously hard for someone like me, but I knew that I could do it; for Camila's sake. I tried to shake the paranoid thoughts away as I stepped into the dressing room. Dinah was the first to acknowledge me.
"LAUREN, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!"