September 19th, 2017
10:00 P.M.
Camila
L: Hey are you ok? Just hearing about Mexico
Sometimes it still felt weird to get texts from Lauren; and yet at the same time it felt so normal, so right. I couldn't help but smile weakly at the words on the screen. Her heart was still as big as ever, and I swore it grew every second.
C: Yeah thanks💞 luckily it wasn't too close to where my family's at so they're good
C: But it's heartbreaking
L: I know
L: It starts to seem like it's just constantly one thing after another right?
L: The world has enough natural disasters so why do people have to intentionally fuck it up too
C: lol what did trump do now
L: You know me so well😂
L: Shhh I didn't mean to do that
L: I texted about Mexico not to bore you with political talk
C: You always make it seem interesting somehow
L: Maybe because it is😉
C: Sureeeee it is😋
L: lol whatever🙄 I'm glad your fams ok
L: How was your day?
Yeah, no it was definitely still weird talking to Lauren again, especially when she asks me things like that; things that made it seem like our entire dramatic history had been erased.
For some reason, 'How was your day' is one of the most intimate questions to me. It's like the 'I actually care about you' version of 'How are you'; like the person asking wants the long version. It made my heart warm.
Just when I was about to start answering, a few texts started to pop up on my screen.
Lucy: Girl
Lucy:
Lucy: 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Oh yeah. About Lucy.
Ever since our 'first date' a week earlier, we had definitely entered into a whole other universe. It was so weird going from seeing Lucy as basically my rival to seeing her as...well I still wasn't so sure yet.
What I was sure of, was that I liked the pace things were going at. There was some light flirting and we had talked almost every day since we had seen each other.
Was it weird that I had actually talked to Lauren more?
I shook the thought away. It was irrelevant. The point was, the Lucy thing seemed pretty safe for now, especially since we weren't in the same place. I wasn't sure I could handle another date just yet. I was still getting used to the admittedly crazy idea.
But that didn't mean I wasn't warming up to it.
C: 🙈🙈🙈
C: I honestly don't feel like that's even me when I see these pics😂
Lucy: It's definitely you😍😍
Lucy: You should just quit everything now and come model with me
C: Can I still sing during the photoshoots?
Lucy: I'm sure we can work something out
I smirked down at my phone, not even sure that had been flirty but still blushing nonetheless. Lucy had this sort of air about her that made everything seem so...enticing, even over text. Years ago, I hated that about her because I was so jealous of it. Now...it was definitely nice to be on the receiving end of it.
Thinking about my past with Lucy always made me think of the green eyed girl, who was still awaiting my response. Suddenly, I felt guilty. It was still eating me up inside that I hadn't told Lauren what was going on with Lucy...but she had been the one to tell me not to. I scrolled back to my texts with Lauren and decided to answer her thoughtful text.
C: My day was pretty good minus the news😊 just another studio day
L: Got another banger coming out?😉
C: Who knows🤷🏻♀️
C: Wait what's my banger now
L: Are you serious lmao
C: You've listened to Havana?
L: Camila the whole world has listened to Havana
L: It's straight fire
L: You know I've always thought all of your stuff was dope
I thought back to when Lucy had complimented me on Havana and realized it didn't even come close to invoking as much in me as it did when Lauren talked about it. Her support always meant the world to me...maybe because I felt like I was fighting for it for so long.
That's when my mind started to race again. I didn't want to fall back into this state of craving Lauren's approval and attention.
Maybe I just wasn't ready to talk about my music with her yet. That was the world I had created for myself after her. It was still unblemished and delicate, and I was going to let anything or anyone take that away from me.
I couldn't help but wonder what world the girls had created after me, too. I still hadn't listened to their album, out of fear of I'm not sure what. It was time.
Progress was being made. I could feel it.
................................................................
Lauren
C: Thanks Lauren💞💞
C: I gotta go but we'll talk later😊 goodnighttt💞
I smiled down at the brown eyed girl's texts on my screen. I was really starting to feel at peace with our whole situation. Things were going smoother than ever, even though her lunch with Lucy sometimes popped up in the back of my mind.
"You texting Camila?" Ty said as he suddenly appeared to my right.
I practically jumped up from the bed at the sound of his voice.
"Fuck, babe. You scared the shit out of me." I said, my hand now over my beating heart.
Ty chuckled as he moved to sit on the bed next to me. He placed a hand on my blanket-covered knee and caressed it lightly.
"Sorry." he laughed.
"No you're not." I countered.
"It was a little funny."
"Your face is a little funny."
"You got me."
I stuck my tongue out at him before returning my attention to my phone.
"So?" he asked.
"What?" I asked as I typed my answer out to Camila.
"You're texting Camila?"
"Yeah. We've established this."
"And?"
Just after hitting send, I looked up at him and kinked an eyebrow.
"And what?" I asked.
"And how's it going?" he elaborated.
"Fine..."
"Yeah?" he asked with a slight smirk.
"What's funny?"
"Nothing." he laughed.
"So you're laughing because...?"
"You're just smiling like an idiot texting her."
I glared back at him and scoffed. What the actual fuck?
"Excuse me?" I huffed.
"I'm just saying...do I have some competition?" he grinned.
"First of all.", I began, sitting up straight in the bed, "No, you don't have fucking competition, and, second of all, if you did, why is that funny?"
"I was just messing around, babe."
"Fuck you. Go mess around with some other girl, then."
"Woah, Lo, chill." he said as he slid his hand up to my thigh.
"No!", I said, ripping his hand off of me, "You're so fucking annoying with this shit! At first I thought it was nice that you didn't get all weird or angry about the Camila stuff, but I'm sick of you fucking laughing, like it's all a big joke! Since the second I told you, that's all you've done!"
Ty frowned and leaned back, placing his hand back in his own lap.
"I don't get it. Do you want me to be mad?" he asked, finally serious.
"No, I don't want you to be mad.", I argued, "I just don't want you to act like it's all a fucking joke when it's arguably the deepest shit I've had to go through in my goddamn life."
"I was trying to make you feel better about it. I was trying to make it less deep."
"By insinuating I still have feelings for her? Nice tactic."
"Yeah, well you seem a little too defensive right now."
My jaw dropped at his words. I let it hang there for a few seconds as I stared back at him.
"I'm going home." I finally said as I ripped the blanket off of my body.
"Lauren, stop." he said, returning his hand to my leg to stop me.
"No. I'm going home."
I swung my legs out, causing his hand to fall from my knee, and stood up from the bed. Ty immediately stood up with me.
"You're overreacting." he said.
"No, I'm reacting, for once." I countered as I stormed past him.
Ty fell silent for a bit as I gathered my things. I had no idea what he was doing or thinking, but I didn't stop to look over at him. I couldn't deal with more people joking about me and Camila when things were finally starting to be right, for the first time in years; especially not my own fucking boyfriend.
Once I had all of my belongings, I finally looked over at him, only to find him staring at me with a stern expression. I looked at him expectantly, not exactly sure what I was waiting for but waiting nonetheless. He simply shrugged his shoulders.
"Ok, well, bye." I spat as I turned on my heels towards the door.
Just when I thought that was how that conversation was going to end, Ty finally spoke up.
"You're really going to let her fuck shit up for you again?" he asked.
I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him, once again shocked by his choice of words.
"Oh, no. This one's all on you, boo." I said.
Before he could say another thing to piss me off even more , I was out the door.
................................................................
September 26th, 2017
Camila
11:00 A.M.
C: I miss you😭😭
Shawn: Haha do you only miss me when I compliment you?😜
C: NO I MISS YOU ALL THE TIME BUT I DONT ALWAYS HAVE TIME TO SAY IT
S: Mhm sure
C: Whateverrrr thanks for the kind words you're such a lovely supportive sunflower of a man💞💞
S: I've always felt more like a rose
C: Your next album cover should just be you turning into a flower
C: And you should call it Blossoming
C: And every song should be named after a flower
S: Ok you took it too far
S: It would be called BLOSSOM not Blossoming
C: I'm sorry I ruin things
C: IM NOT TRYNA RUUUUUIN YOUR HAPPINESS BABE
S: 😂😂😂
S: Reference on point
S: Hey seriously I miss you too though how's everything? I feel like it's been years since we really talked
C: Are you free now?
S: Like to meet up?
C: Well I meant to call lol
S: Ok good bc I doubt you want to drive up to San Fran right now lol
C: Then call it is!
Not ten seconds later, Shawn was calling, with his bright smile from his contact picture lighting up my screen. I smiled as I looked down at the sweet boy's picture.
I really did miss Shawn a lot. We hadn't seen each other in months, even though we would text occasionally, and I really missed his comforting presence. Plus, I needed to tell him all of the Lauren and Lucy drama that was going on.
"Canada!" I beamed as I answered the phone.
"Hey, Camila.", he chuckled, "Should I start calling you Mexico? Or Cuba maybe?"
"Mexicube."
"That sounds so cute."
"It actually does.", I giggled, "Mexicube it is."
"That's going to take some getting used to."
"Well, I guess you should start now, then."
"I guess I should."
We both laughed lightly as I plopped down onto my bed, stomach first.
"How are you doing?" I asked.
"I'm doing great!", he replied, "It's been super chill now that the US tour is dying down a little. How about you? I mean, I know you're literally slaying every stage you touch, but other than that."
"Shawn...it's seriously been insane."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I mean when I really sit down and think about how far I've come since leaving the group...it's overwhelming."
"I 100% get you. That's how I felt back in 2015 when I was opening up for you guys. It's like everything just starts taking off without you realizing it."
"Exactly! It's so crazy...and, of course, I have some love drama for you, too."
"Oh, boy. You know I love me some love drama."
"Well, buckle up my friend, because this one's going to shock the heck out of you."
"I don't know...I think I'm getting used to expecting the unexpected with you and your love life."
"Well...were you expecting me to start seeing Lauren's ex girlfriend?"
Silence on the other end. In that moment, I realized that Shawn was the first person I had said anything about Lucy to.
"Um...what?" he finally asked.
I took a deep breath and prepared myself to explain. I hadn't realized how ready I had been to talk about it all, but I started spilling my guts like it was all I was made to do. Maybe Lauren forcing me to stay quiet about it to her had restricted me more than I realized. Once I had caught Shawn up, I waited for his response.
"Camila...", he began, "Are you messing with me?"
"No.", I laughed, "I'm serious. I told you it would shock you."
"Well...it's only shocking because..."
"Because what?"
"You know I love you, right?"
"Um, yes. I love you, too. Why do you sound like you're about to tell me my grandma died?"
"Because what I'm about to say might sound a little harsh but I think you need to hear it."
"What, Shawn? Just tell me."
"I never thought you'd settle."
I froze. My feet that had been swinging back and forth fell down to the bed, defeated.
"W-what? Settle?" I asked quietly.
"I told you it's going to sound harsh." he said.
"Shawn, what are you talking about? Who said I'm settling?"
"Camila, come on. Lucy?"
"You don't even know her."
"I know your history with her and I know that she and Lauren dated because they were extremely similar. It just seems to me like...like you're settling for a knock off Lauren."
My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe that I was hearing this. Was he serious?
"Shawn." I said sternly.
"I'm just saying this because I care, Camila." he said softly.
"Well...you're wrong."
"Tell me why I'm wrong."
"Because! You just...you can't just..."
I shut my mouth and stared down at my fingertip tracing the patterns on my bed sheet. Why couldn't I argue against his point?
"They're not the same person at all!", I finally said, "Lucy is super confident and bold and charming and...she's not battling all of these demons inside of herself that Lauren always seemed to be. She's happy and strong and..."
"So maybe Lauren's the knock off?" he said.
"No one's anybody's knock off. They're two entirely different people, Shawn. This has nothing to do with Lauren."
"Camila, it's just...you could literally have anyone in the world, so why would you go for your ex-girlfriend's ex girlfriend?"
"She approached me, Shawn. I'm giving it a chance."
"That's the point. You're just going along with it. I just...I don't think you would if you weren't..."
"If I wasn't what?"
"If you weren't so scared you'd never find love again."
Again, he left me speechless. Shawn and I had become much more candid with each other since I had told him about Lauren and I's final hookup back in February. We were each other's biggest fans, which also meant we were each other's number one critics. It was like he was seeing directly into my heart and showing me things that I had decided to put in my blind spot.
"Are you ok?" Shawn asked when I fell silent.
"I am. I just...I haven't heard anyone voice my own thoughts like that in a while." I said in a shaky voice.
"I'm sorry, Camila. I just don't want you to do this for the wrong reasons. Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe you and Lucy date for a while, but regardless...I think you already know if you want to be with her or not. She's not just some stranger."
I sat there and pondered Shawn's wise words. The boy always seemed to have a knack for knowing when real feelings were present. It was why he loved so rarely. He never settled, never for a second wasted anyone's time or his own. I admired that about him.
"I hate when you're right." I finally said.
"Really? I kind of like it." he said, the light, sarcastic tone returning to his voice.
"Shut uppppp. Now I don't know what to do."
"It's not like you're five years into this relationship. I'm sure she'd understand."
"It's funny because we technically are five years into this relationship."
"Oh boy."
"You're right, it's not funny. I don't know what to do."
"Look, I didn't say cut it off now. I just said...make sure you're in it for the right reasons. So, I don't know, maybe there's still time to feel it out. But it is sort of hard when you're not even in the same place..."
"Well...maybe it's time I pay Puerto Rico a visit."
"Now?"
"Love surpasses natural disasters."
"Ok now you're actually talking crazy."
"Love is crazy."
"Shut up." he laughed.
"Ok. I know. I'm just stupid and confused and lonely and sad."
"Woah, woah, we don't want any of that. Just breathe. You don't have to do anything now but think. Just think and reevaluate because it doesn't seem like you did much of that before saying yes to her."
"Will you be my psychiatrist?"
"You mean psychologist?"
"No. Psychiatrist. Because I'm crazy."
"But in a good way." he laughed.
"No, in the 'no one will ever actually love me' way."
"Camila."
"I just feel like I need to do something other than sit in my studio and write all day, but I don't even know what to do or how to do it, you know what I mean?"
"You'll figure it out. I promise."
"I love you."
"I love you. Now, talk music to me."
................................................................
September 29th, 2017
11:30 P.M.
Lauren
Ty and I hadn't really talked the past few days. We didn't talk the entire day after our fight and then the girls and I had to hop on a flight to Chile to start our PSA tour the day after. Needless to say, communication was at an all time low.
I couldn't believe he hadn't even tried to apologize. Sure, maybe I had let my temper get the best of me (as usual), but I was seriously fed up with people trying to fuck with my good vibes, even if that hadn't been his intention.
Honestly, I think that I was more pissed off about the fact that he thought having competition would be funny. It made me question how he would react if I actually were talking to somebody else, whether it was Camila or not.
I knew I wasn't going to do that to him, though. I hated games, and I wasn't about to test him; but I definitely wasn't going to text him first, either.
"Hola!" Dinah said, bursting into my room.
"I knew I should've closed the door fully." I teased.
"Whatever. I know you missed me."
"Oh yeah. It's been a full hour. I was dying without you."
"Any word from Ty yet?" she asked as she took a seat on the bed next to me.
"Nope. I mean, not other than, 'good luck tonight'."
"Well that's nice."
"Apologies are also nice."
"Maybe if you guys actually talk he'll start apologizing."
"Well, then he should say, 'let's talk'. I'm not tolerating any bullshit anymore, not even from him. He needs to fucking check himself."
"Did you tell Camila about it?"
I scoffed.
"No. Why would I do that?" I asked.
"I don't know. I thought you guys were friends now. Don't friends talk about boys together?" she countered.
"We're getting there, Dinah. As for now, there are no mentions of Ty or...Lucy."
"Wait, so they're actually dating?" Dinah asked, eyes wide.
"No! I mean...I don't know. That's my point, we don't talk about that stuff yet."
"So what do you talk about?"
"Stuff like...."
I pulled out my phone and started scrolling to a video link Camila had sent me just before our show that night. Once I clicked it, I held the phone out to Dinah and let her take it. I watched the younger girl's smile grow, her eyes glued to the screen. I couldn't help but scoot towards her and watch along with her.
"She's really doing it, isn't she?" Dinah said softly, looking up at me once the video had ended.
"Yeah.", I grinned, "She is."
Dinah slowly handed the phone back to me. Her eyes fell to the blanket on top of my bed as she tapped on its surface. We stayed in that comfortable silence for a few seconds before Dinah looked up at me again, her smile now a bit faded.
"Everyone was so upset." she finally said.
I tilted my head to the side, wondering what she meant.
"When it all went down. There was so much hurt and jealousy and negativity..."
I realized what she was talking about. It seemed like it had been ages since any of us had talked about Camila leaving the group. It had stung so much for so long, but now...
"And now I see her up there on that stage, doing stuff like that, with that big ass smile stretched across her face...", Dinah continued, "And I wonder how we all let it break us apart; how we lost sight of what was important."
"Hindsight is 20/20, babe." I said, grabbing Dinah's hand.
"I know. It just sucks a little, you know? It sucks that we couldn't all just...I don't know, leave it on a good note. I still remember--"
Suddenly, a small sob escaped Dinah's mouth. I watched a tear make its way down her face. I squeezed her hand tighter.
"I still remember that first day.", she continued, "I remember that first day when we all reunited in LA after the X Factor and we were just so...wide eyed and innocent. All we wanted to do was make music...that never changed. For any of us. Not for you or me...definitely not for Camila. She's doing what she's always wanted to do. I hate that it took me this long to fully understand that. I always wanted to understand it so badly and I thought that I did...but now...I really get it, Lo."
"Yeah.", I said, feeling a huge lump in my own throat now, "Maybe it's finally time for us to move on, like Ally and Mani have. It's time for us to stop letting all of the white noise get in the way. Fuck the negativity, man. This girl, our Camila, is out there doing every ounce of good that she can for this world, and we should be focused on that, too."
Dinah smiled sweetly at me before giving my hand a tight squeeze. She released her palm from my grip and used her hands to wipe at the tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Oh my gosh. I knew I should've taken my makeup off." she giggled as she looked down at her blackened fingers.
"You're beautiful." I said in my baby voice, pulling her finger up to my lips to kiss them.
"I love you, Lo." she laughed, another tear falling from her right eye.
"I love you, Dinah Jane."