July 17th, 2017
10:00 A.M.
Camila
I wasn't sure how many days had passed since I had called. I had stopped counting. I was sick of counting, of keeping track, of being so incredibly conscious of everything having to do with her.
But it wasn't just my being sick of being hung up on Lauren; it was the fact that I was actually occupied and making the career moves I had been wanting to make for so long.
I was opening for Bruno Mars. BRUNO MARS. I still couldn't believe it. The tour was set to start in three days and I had been busting my ass in rehearsals, when I wasn't back in the studio creating, of course.
Keeping busy had been my healing, and I was finally realizing it, finally allowing myself to be happy about it. I had spent way too much time trying to hold on to the past, not just with Lauren, but even with all of the other girls.
Although I hadn't made any attempts to reach out to Ally or Normani, the aching in my heart over what I used to have with each girl in the group had been weighing on me for months. I hated how it all went down, I hated that I couldn't talk to them, and I hated that they all seemed so freaking happy without me.
The dwelling had been extremely unhealthy, even though it had helped me write a few songs here and there. The point was, I was done with it all. I was ready to move on to the next stage of my life, and Bruno Mars was going to be the one to kick that off for me.
I sat there in the dance studio and looked at my reflection in the gigantic mirror in front of me. Everyone else had just left to go get lunch, but I needed a moment to myself. Being alone with my thoughts didn't scare me so much lately.
I thought about the vision I had had for my album for so long: The Hurting, The Healing, The Loving. It had seemed perfect when the concept popped into my head after that unexpected talk with my sister.
The Hurting.
I had poured my soul out into dozens of 'hurting' songs, including "I Have Questions". In a way, I still did have questions. I still wondered what Lauren was doing with Ty or how she was liking their writing process or if she really wanted me erased from her life.
Yet, I didn't really crave the answers anymore. I had accepted the fact that there were just some things I would never know and didn't need to. For the first time, I could actively choose to wonder about her and the girls.
The Healing.
I was in the middle of it, and I could finally feel it. I thought that being away from the group would've healed me in and of itself, all the way back in January. It had taken me six months to actually start the process. So, of course, if I was in the middle of healing, I still hadn't reached...
The Loving.
I was surrounded by every type of love except the romantic kind, which, unfortunately, was so important to me. Any love songs I had written were mere fantasies or faded memories. I wasn't in it, and I couldn't pretend to be.
But I also couldn't wait to be. I couldn't wait to get to the only part that had been keeping me going since leaving the group. I had been looking forward to finding that love in my heart again, yes, for another person, but also for myself and for my craft.
I was done with making everything about the past. I wanted to focus on the future, on new beginnings, on getting to the loving.
So I had to let some things go to get there. I had to stop digging through social media to hear about Lauren and Ty or what Fifth Harmony was up to. I had to move on, and I was finally ready to.
Maybe an album name change would have to be considered, too.
................................................................
July 25th, 2017
3:00 P.M.
Lauren
"So fucking annoying." I mumbled under my breath as the four of us walked out of the room.
"It's inevitable." Normani said.
"I think we moved past it pretty quickly, though." Ally offered.
"We should already be way past it.", I huffed, "Everyone should. It's so irritating."
"I mean, the unfollow thing did just happen." Dinah finally spoke up.
We all stopped and turned to face Dinah, the four of us now standing in the radio station's common area. I crossed my arms and stared her down, shocked that she was actually even somewhat defending what had just happened.
We had been doing an interview for the SiruiusXM Morning Mashup and, of course, we were asked about Camila. Except, this time, there was a specific instance that was being brought up: Camila unfollowing the four of us on Instagram.
It had happened about a week earlier, and none of us knew why it had happened. Dinah hadn't been talking to her, and it was obvious that the rest of us hadn't been either, so what had even sparked that? Was she mad at me for not calling her back? But why would she involve the other girls?
In all honesty, the action, no matter how petty and simple it seemed, had been bothering me a lot. I hated how much control social media had over our society, over me. The simple click of a button could cause so much drama and raise so many questions.
At first, I debated calling her or at least texting her. I knew that it was a little late to thank her for the call on my birthday, but part of me felt sort of guilty for not acknowledging her gesture.
Then, I was just pissed. Why did she have to do this petty shit, especially on a public platform? I would've rather had her call me and yell at me like she had done in the past. This just seemed cowardly.
Or maybe I just wanted any opportunity to hear her voice again. Maybe I was just upset by the fact that this seemed so...apathetic; like she was so done with all of us.
The thought alone stung. Yet, I knew that I didn't deserve any sort of attention from her. She had called me on my birthday, and I had failed to respond, simply out of fear of what it would mean; out of fear of what I would feel.
Regardless, I was upset enough about the whole situation and having a hard enough time trying to hide that. I didn't need or want any nosy interviewers asking questions about anything having to do with the brown eyed girl.
(Go to 6:47 to see the moment^^)
The four of us had played it off as well as we could have, but as I stood there staring at Dinah, I realized that she had been the only one who had gone quiet during that part of the interview. Did she know something that we didn't?
"You're seriously justifying them asking us shit like this?", I finally spoke up, "Especially when we have so many other more important things to talk about."
"I wasn't justifying anything.", Dinah argued, "I was just saying that it makes sense that they're asking."
"We have an album coming out in a month and that's the bullshit they choose to talk about."
"I don't know why you're so mad. In there you were all butterflies and rainbows."
"In there, there were cameras and people who make a living off of pitting people against each other."
"It's just...I would ask, too, you know?"
At that, Dinah shared a Look with Normani and Ally. The shorter girl slowly moved over to Dinah's side and held her hand.
"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion.
"If I were an interviewer...or literally anyone but myself...I would ask her why she did it. Why now." Dinah said, her voice suddenly a bit weaker.
"This has been bothering you, hasn't it?"
Dinah remained silent and simply looked down at her feet. I looked over at Normani who simply shrugged back at me. I turned my attention back to Dinah and stepped towards her, placing my hands on her face.
"Dinah, it doesn't matter.", I said, causing her to look up at me again, "Don't let something so small like this get to you. If anything, just talk to her. I'm sure she has an explanation."
"Is that what you've been telling yourself, too?", Dinah asked, her voice breaking a bit, "That if you could talk to her, she'd have a perfectly good reason? But you can't. So, you tell yourself it was nothing...that she didn't mean anything by it."
I blinked. I slowly removed my hands from her face.
"I'm living in that fantasy, too.", Dinah finished, "It's easier than facing the truth."
"We don't know the truth." Normani said.
"She's done with us, Mani. That's the truth."
"We were done with her first."
This time, all of our eyes flew to Normani. I was willing myself to swallow the giant-ass lump that was building up in my throat.
"Look, it was always four against one, no matter how we look at it.", Normani continued, "We had each other through this whole thing...she was completely alone. Can you really blame her for taking this long to finally move on? I mean...it's Camila we're talking about. She's still her...she still feels everything with her whole freaking soul."
The four of us fell silent. It seemed odd that Normani was the one defending the brown eyed girl when she had been the harshest towards her when everything started going to shit; but the fact that it was Normani proved her point.
Normani had moved on; that's why she was able to see Camila's side and stay calm. Ally had moved on. I sure as hell hadn't but it definitely helped that I had a strong support system with me at all times helping me to pretend that I had. The same went for Dinah.
Normani was right. Camila's side would've been hell, regardless of how everything went down or whose fault it was; and suddenly the guilt for not answering her birthday call was back.
I didn't like feeling guilty. In fact, I hated it. I hated regrets, and I definitely had a lot of those when it came to Camila; but I sure as hell wasn't ready to apologize. Instead, I wanted a way to forget, as always; to shut people up about Camila.
And so the idea for our upcoming VMA performance was born...but we'll get to that.
................................................................
August 9th, 2017
11:00 P.M.
Camila
The exhaustion was finally starting to hit me. Touring with Bruno was incredible and I absolutely lived to watch him perform after I went on, but that night I was ready to head back to the hotel almost immediately.
My guitarist/best friend Ashlee and my mom had both gone back with me, and the three of us had decided to dedicate our time to opening my fan gifts in my hotel room.
This was honestly one of my favorite parts of the whole job. It wasn't the fact that I was getting presents; in fact, I looked forward more to the meaningful gifts with a message rather than the material goods. It was a way of connecting with my fans and it never failed to remind me how much they cared about me and how much I inspired them.
"Mi-mi, check this one out." Ashlee said as she tossed me a small book.
I turned the book over in my hands, eager to feast my eyes on its cover. The title read 'Fire: From a Journal of Love - The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin, 1934-1937'. I traced the lettering with my finger as I stared down at the bright orange cover. I had no idea what I was looking at or what was inside, but I already felt something.
"Am I supposed to know this or something?" I asked as I looked up at Ashlee.
"I don't know, but I think you'll like it. It looks deep. Like your heart and souuuulllll." she teased, singing out the last word.
I giggled as I ran the pages across the pad of my thumb, loving how soft they felt against my skin and losing myself in the 'new book' scent emanating from the paper. I flipped the book over to see the back cover, where I was informed that the book was mainly a collection of poetry by this woman, Anais Lin, and so I figured that skipping to a random page wouldn't be any sort of spoiler.
I opened the orange book up to a random page and let my eyes settle onto the first thing they wanted to. What they found left me speechless.
"For you and for me the highest moment, the keenest joy, is not when our minds dominate but when we lose our minds, and you and I both lose it in the same way, through love."
I felt the corners of my mouth rise a bit as I reached the final word of the passage. I was already captivated by Lin's words, craving more by the second. I turned a few more pages to see what I would find next.
"As soon as I kiss him I know that I love him with a blind instinct beyond all reason, with all his defects."
I looked up at Ashlee, a small, whimsical smirk now plastered across my face.
"Is there a letter or anything? Who's this from?" I asked eagerly.
"Um...", Ashlee began as she fished through the gifts surrounding her on the bed.
She finally pulled a small piece of paper out of a light blue gift bag on her left. She held it up in front of her face and read it aloud to me.
"Camila...," Ashlee started, "I hope these words touch you the way they have touched me. I listen to your music and to the way that you speak because you remind of Lin, who's been my favorite poet for as long as I can remember. You both have such a raw spirit and a mystical outlook on life that makes others want to get lost in you and to lose themselves in something greater."
Ashlee looked up at me, her eyes wide.
"Damn." she said.
"Is that it?" I asked, desperate for more.
"Um...", she said, looking back down at the note, "I hope you can find some way to connect with her the way I have connected with you: through meaningful messages and sweet written words. Signed...anonymous..."
"They didn't give their name? Or anything?"
"Doesn't look like it."
"Wow." I sighed, slightly disappointed but also a bit impressed.
I looked back down at the book in my lap and moved my eyes to where my thumb rested carefully. I hadn't realized that I had been playing with the pages while Ashlee spoke, and I was now on a different page entirely.
"I have to be rent and pulled apart and live according to the demons and the imagination in me. I'm restless. Things are calling me away. My hair is being pulled by the stars again."
This quote spoke to me so much. I could see the tears starting to well up in my eyes and I hoped that Ashlee wouldn't notice. I was suddenly feeling extremely overwhelmed by the position I was in.
Anais Lin had captured how I felt practically on a daily basis. I did constantly feel restless, but not in the physical sense. I was restless because I was constantly living with my head in the clouds, searching for words and melodies and sounds to capture how I felt at any given moment.
It never ended. I was constantly in my head: dreaming, thinking, fantasizing. Sometimes I felt as thought I wasn't built for this reality; the one obsessed with publicity stunts and gossip and appearances.
I was built for the one where music lived and thrived and transformed; the one where art took precedence over everything else in the industry; the one where the industry was simply art.
Sometimes that reality seeped into my own and it made me forget all of the noise and pain going on around me. I would hold onto it for dear life, play it over and over again in my head on a daily basis, lose myself in it every time I recorded in the booth or performed on stage.
I would take that escape every chance I got, until I could make my reality match that one. I felt like I was getting closer, I really did.
I especially felt it when I got amazing gifts like these from the fans, when I looked up into my mother's eyes as she watched mine slowly fill with tears, when I lost myself in my own music up on that stage.
The gap between realities closed when I felt love. Love had always been the most important thing to me and always would be. And I was so unbelievably grateful to be feeling it all again, to finally feel like it was overshadowing all of the pain and heartbreak again.
I was slowly becoming whole again, and I didn't need Lauren to be the one to do it. In fact, little did I know, but Lauren and the girls would be the only ones to ruin it again in just a few short weeks.