March 3rd, 2017
9:00 P.M.
Camila
I never realized what my perfect birthday was until this year. I didn't have some insane party or go out clubbing or drink myself to death like most people my age probably did on their birthdays. Instead, the night before my birthday I had a small celebration at the studio with a bunch of my friends and people I had been working with, who were basically becoming like family now.
However, I did stay up extremely late, to help me fall into a fun birthday stereotype, but I wasn't exactly doing something people would consider 'fun'. I was simply laying in my bed listening to, and crying to, Ed Sheeran's new album, which just happened to come out on my birthday because the universe fucking loves me.
After going to sleep around 5 in the morning, I was lucky enough to have a completely lazy day for the first time in a while. I had been working in the studio for weeks straight, especially nonstop since my encounter with Lauren, and I hadn't stepped back to realize that a break was much needed. The entire day had just been me chilling, listening to music, talking to my mom, and getting dozens of birthday messages. I was pleasantly surprised to get messages from Ally, Normani, and Dinah.
A: Happy birthday Camila!! I hope you have a great one💓💓
N: Happy 20th Camila! Don't go out and buy any drinks just yet😉 have a good one!
D: CAMILA!!! You finally left the teens that's crazy😱😱 Happy birthday have an amazing one🤗❤️
These messages meant more to me than they could ever understand. They literally could've just sent me 'happy birthday' and I would've been ecstatic. Dinah's especially brought a smile to my face. Even though it was still hard to accept that we were on the path to not being friends anymore, it was good to know that we could still be cordial and care about each other. Then again, she had blown up at me because of Lauren. Maybe if she knew that we were done she would be willing to try...
I waved the thought away, trying to focus on Shawn's words. I shouldn't be looking for anything or anyone, even if it was just a friendship. I needed to focus on my craft and focus on the people who already loved and cared about me. There was no room for toxic energy anymore.
I sat there listening to music and scrolling through my messages with a smile, but soon it became impossible to ignore that one person was absent. I didn't necessarily want to hear from her and didn't expect her to say anything, but the realization that I wouldn't get a birthday message from her still hurt. I hated that she could almost diminish the joy I got from all of the other ones. She still had way too much control.
"Hija, quieres comida (Do you want food)?" my mother spoke up from the doorway.
I looked up at her, not even sure how long she'd been standing there.
"Mamá! Come join me!" I beamed.
"Camila, I asked you a question." she scolded.
"I don't want food, I want you."
"I never thought I'd hear those words."
The two of us laughed as she moved to sit down on the bed next to me. She draped her arm around and pulled me close.
"Mira, the water's already boiling. Do you want pasta or not?" she asked.
"You know I can never say no to food." I grinned, snuggling up to her.
"Bueno, how about you come help me cook?"
"I said I can't say no to food, not cooking."
My mom rolled her eyes before kissing me on the head and releasing herself from my embrace.
"I'll let you know when it's ready." she chuckled.
"You'll do great on your own." I teased.
My mom finally made her way out of my room, shaking her head the entire time. Buying an apartment out in California was the best decision we had ever made. It was nice to not have to stare at hotel room walls anymore and it was definitely nice to have our own kitchen...so my mom could cook for me, of course.
Once she was gone, I rolled over on my bed to pick up my phone again, only to find the last thing I ever expected: a missed call from Lauren Jauregui.
Was this some sort of joke? I wasn't sure if I should call back or not, not because I actually thought she was messing with me or something, but because I didn't know if I was ready to talk to her again. It had been almost three weeks since our fight, and I had to admit that I already missed her again, but what would that say about me if I gave in the second she called? Then again, it was my birthday...maybe a special occasion allowed some communication.
My finger practically trembled as I reached for her name on the screen. I put the phone up to my ear and held my breath.
One ring went by...
Another...
A third ring...
Just when I was about to give up hope:
"Hello?" the all too familiar voice rang out on the other end of the phone.
I couldn't speak.
"C—", she cut herself off, "Are you there?"
She was actually not saying my name. I couldn't tell if I found that infuriating or...adorable. I remained silent; paralyzed.
"Well...", she began again, "I don't know if you're there or not...but...well, happy birthday. I know this is late but it's still your birthday so I guess it still counts, right? Anyway...um...I wish you'd say something. Because I know you're there. Can you...I mean, would you...ugh, Camila, please. I need to hear you before I say this."
A huge part of me was ready to just hang up, but the other part of me way was too curious to just let it go. Then again, the past few times Lauren had something to tell me, I had been thoroughly disappointed. Yet, something seemed different this time. She seemed more...vulnerable; almost desperate.
I simply cleared my throat. All that followed was a long pause. She wasn't saying anything, but I could tell she was still there, debating whether or not to accept that as my response. I could practically feel her.
"Do you want to get dinner tomorrow night?" she finally spoke up.
"What?" I let out involuntarily.
"Hi."
I could clearly picture her little smirk in that moment. She had gotten me to talk. Who wouldn't say something after a question like that?
"Explain." I commanded.
"I want to talk to you face to face so I can at least see you while you give me the silent treatment." she elaborated.
"But why? What's the point? Let's make sure your motives are clear this time around."
"No funny business. I promise. I just want to talk."
"That's what you said last time."
"And I meant it."
"Clearly." I scoffed.
"Look, no hotel room this time, alright? Just two people grabbing dinner out in the open where there will be witnesses and you'll be free to escape at any moment."
"Out in the open?"
"I mean, relatively, because...you know."
I rolled my eyes. She was so...exhausting. But I knew that there was a reason I still hadn't hung up. I still loved that idiot; but that didn't mean that I was going to make this easy for her.
"Why, Lauren?" I asked.
"Why?" she echoed.
"Yes. What's the point of all of this?"
"I just...I can't stand how we left things. I need to see you again."
For some reason, I felt my heart beat faster at the sound of that. The thought of seeing those eyes again was incredibly enticing. At the same time, I knew that this was probably the worst idea in the entire fucking universe. Why was she so addicting?
"What time?" I asked quietly, as if I was keeping a secret from my empty room.
"Really?" she asked.
"Really what?"
"Is that a yes?"
"It's a 'give me a time and we'll see'."
"Shit. That's better than I thought I'd get."
"What'd you think you'd get?"
"A good 'fuck off' and a nice 'see you never'."
"I'm still debating that."
"Do you have stuff going on tomorrow?"
"Just another studio day. What about you?"
"Same. But we'll be done around five. How's like...seven?"
"This isn't a date."
"Who said it was?"
"Seven is a pretty date-ish time."
"Is it? I don't get to go on many."
"I'm sure."
"No, seriously, I...never mind. I wasn't trying to imply anything by seven."
"Good."
"So seven?"
"Seven."
"I'll text you where tomorrow."
"Ok."
"Can I say your name?"
"You already have."
"Well, then, Camila?"
"Yes, Lauren?"
"Happy birthday."
................................................................
March 4th, 2017
7:00 P.M.
Lauren
Fuck. I was literally shaking. I knew she would probably be a little late, only because both of us knew that I should be the one to get there first. Plus, I knew she wanted to make me sweat a little. Camila wasn't going to make this easy on me, but it didn't matter. I was going to make things right.
I waited for about five minutes until I finally saw a small, navy blue car drive up. For some reason, I knew it was her. Something in me told me that Camila was in that car before she stepped out; and boy did she step out.
The brown eyed girl set foot on the sidewalk in between us, taking my breath away in the process. She wasn't wearing anything fancy, just some high wasted jeans, a white crop top, and a lacy white cardigan, but she was absolutely stunning nonetheless. She looked up at me the second the car door had closed.
Brown danced with green as we stared at each other from ten feet away. I wanted to close that gap, but I also wanted to stand there and just look at her for as long as I could, commit every single detail to memory. I couldn't find a word to describe her. She was above everything, above everyone. She was Camila.
Then, Camila stepped forward. One foot followed the other, and it took me about three of her steps to realize that she was actually walking towards me. I was frozen, but also magnetically drawn to her. My feet started to move almost involuntarily until I met her in the middle. We stared again.
"Hi." I said.
"Hi." she returned, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.
She licked her lips as she observed me, and, suddenly, I saw the 15 year old girl I had fallen in love with over four years ago; the awkward, introverted, adorable Camila Cabello. I couldn't help but smile as I looked at her. This was Camila. I could do this. We could do this.
Without thinking, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her. For a split second, I thought that she might push me off of her and leave, but then I felt her body relax into mine. Her hands slowly came up to meet my back and then we were hugging. I swear, nothing felt better than our hugs. We stayed like that for a few seconds before pulling away.
"Shall we?" I asked, motioning towards the small restaurant I had chosen for us.
"We shall." she replied, a slight smile now present on her face.
The two of us made our way into the tiny Asian restaurant, one that a friend had recommended to me if I was ever looking to escape paparazzi and yet still have good food in L.A. (If I told you the name, I'd have to kill you). We were seated at a small table for two near the back, practically isolated from the rest of the customers. Granted, there were only two other couples there, but the place was still pretty small.
The waiter gave us our menus and some water, then left us to ourselves. Our eyes met once again as we both took sips from our glasses. As we placed our glasses back down, I could see that small smirk of hers still there. I took it as a good sign, and made sure to return one of my own.
"So, I've been told the dumplings here are phenomenal." I spoke up.
"Oh my God. You know I love dumplings." she responded.
"I know you do."
"Is that how you think you're going to win me over?"
"I think it'll help."
"It might."
Camila smirked again before taking another sip from her water. I kinked an eyebrow at her before looking down at my menu. The air between us was so difficult to explain. It was a gigantic jumble of animosity, sexual tension, light humor, fear, and, most of all, undeniable love. I wasn't sure which emotion to play off of next. After ordering three different flavors of dumplings, I gained the courage to speak up again.
"How was your birthday?" I asked.
"Oh my god, so great. I did absolutely nothing." she laughed.
"Sounds like your dream."
"It literally was. I mean, some of the guys at the studio got me a cake and stuff at midnight but on my actual birthday I just sat around and listened to Ed Sheeran."
"Oh yeah! How's the album? I haven't had a chance to listen yet."
"Lauren. I'm disappointed."
"Sorry! I've had shit to do!"
"Like what?"
"We were in the studio all day and then I was wandering around downtown for a while."
"Wandering around downtown?", she giggled, "Why?"
"I was scared to death to call you...so I was just kind of putting off going home."
She stared back at me, her blank expression unreadable. I had a feeling that I had just initiated what this dinner was about without even meaning to. It was already time to cut the small talk and we hadn't even gotten our food yet.
"I see." she finally said, looking down to take another sip of her drink.
"Yeah, so...", I began, causing her to look back up at me, "Look, Camila..."
Our eye contact faltered as I looked down at my hand grasping at my glass of water. No. I needed to fucking woman up and look her in the eyes. That's why I had asked her here, wasn't it? I looked back up to meet her gaze.
"Camila, I'm so sorry.", I started again, more sure this time, "I'm so so so sorry about the night of the Grammys. You don't understand how shitty I feel about how that all went down. I literally haven't been able to stop thinking about it and I just...I couldn't take it anymore. I figured...I mean, I just hoped and fucking prayed that a few weeks had helped you cool down a bit so we could actually talk about what happened...do you think we can do that?"
She stared back at me again, silent. I had never experienced her so quiet and reserved like this towards me, which was saying a hell of a lot given our history. I knew that this time was so much worse. I had forced her to be this guarded.
"Lauren..." she started, breaking our eye contact again to look down at the dark red tablecloth.
I watched her take a deep breath before her eyes shot up to mine again.
"You ripped my heart out." she said.
My stomach sank.
"I mean, you've done a lot of shit and you've broken my heart so many times but this time you...you really ripped it right out of my chest." she continued.
"I know." I whispered, not trusting my full voice at the moment.
"So...I'm not sitting here so you can apologize and get another chance, if that's what you're expecting."
"It's not. At all."
"Then tell me why we're here. What exactly is it that you want to talk about?"
"That night, Camila. Just...give me a chance to explain it better. How about that?"
"I'm listening."
"Ok.", I sighed, "First off, I need you to know that I really didn't plan on...on doing anything with you that night. There's no fucking way that I would ever even think of doing that to you."
She was still listening; waiting.
"And then...and then things got...difficult.", I went on, "I was a fucking idiot and I gave in to the temptation when I shouldn't have but...you shouldn't have either."
She kinked an eyebrow, unamused.
"Just...just listen, please.", I spoke quickly, "That's the thing with us, isn't it? You know just as much as I do how hard it is for us to resist each other, Camila. We both knew it was a terrible idea, but we did it anyway."
"No, Lauren.", she finally said, "I thought it was the best idea in the fucking universe. I thought things would be different in the morning."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I—"
"No you didn't, Camila, stop. There were so many factors indicating that we couldn't do that that night."
"Like what?"
"Like Lucy. Like you not being a part of the group anymore. Like us not talking for two months. It was too...explosive, too sudden, too quick. You knew that and you chose to ignore it, just like I did. We were impatient and we both paid for it."
"Really? How did you pay for it, Lauren? Did you get your hopes built up just to have them torn down within hours?"
"No." I admitted.
"Did you sit and wonder what was wrong with you? Why you weren't good enough?"
"No."
"Then tell me how you paid for it, Lauren. I'm dying to know."
"I lost your trust."
................................................................
Camila
I looked into those familiar green eyes, taken aback by her answer.
"Like you said, I've done a lot of stupid shit and fucked you over a countless amount of times, but this time was different.", she said, "I could tell. I could tell that I had done something that was fucking...irreparable. Knowing that...knowing that I gave up your trust...that was the price I paid, Camila. It might not seem like much to you and it might seem like I got off easier than you did, but you don't know how much it haunts me every day. It haunted me so much that I...I had to come here and I had to talk to you and do everything I could to at least try and begin to make it better."
Her words were all starting to dance around in my head. Before I could even start to think of formulating a response, the waiter arrived with our dumplings. I wasn't even sure that I could eat in that moment. That's when you knew that I was really a mess. We both politely thanked the waiter and looked down at the plates in front of us, then back up at each other.
"Hungry?" she asked.
"For once, not really." I said.
Another stare off began. I knew that it was my turn to say something, but I needed a second to process it all. Without a thought, I reached forward and stuffed an entire dumpling into my mouth. Lauren's eyes widened drastically.
"Camila!" she yelled, standing up a bit in her seat.
Here's a little background on how one is supposed to eat dumplings, for those who are unfamiliar:
1) Delicately pick up the dumpling with chopsticks and a large spoon, careful not to break the skin
2) Bite a small hole into the dumpling skin and let the broth inside spill into the spoon
3) WAIT FOR THE BROTH TO COOL BECAUSE IT IS EXTREMELY HOT
4) Calmly enjoy your beautiful, big ass dumpling that should NEVER be stuffed into your mouth all at once unless you're freaking Godzilla
The juices from inside the dumpling flooded my mouth momentarily, burning every single inch of it, before I panicked and spit it all out onto the plate in front of me.
"Shit!" I cursed.
"Are you ok?" Lauren asked, now leaning over the table with her hands stretched out in a feeble attempt to help me.
"God, it's so hot!"
"Why did you do that?"
"Because I'm embarrassing and awkward and panic in stressful situations, Lauren! Haven't you learned that by now?"
The two of us stared at each other, eyes wide and jaws ajar. After a few seconds, I watched Laurens expression soften. Her mouth slowly shut into a small smirk and I found mine doing the same. Suddenly, we were dying of laughter. Lauren sat back down in her chair as the two of us engaged in a much needed laughter session. After a while, our giggles started to fade away, but the smiles stayed.
................................................................
Lauren
"You got a little..." I chuckled, pointing to the broth running down Camila's chin.
"Shut up!" she laughed as she reached for her napkin.
I watched brown eyed girl rub the soft fabric over her lips and chin, a smile now permanently plastered on my face. There she was again: the young, clumsy, shy Camila whose heart I hadn't broken yet. In that moment, I wanted all of the bullshit and all of the drama to just fucking evaporate. All of the heartache, all of the insecurity, all of the anger...I just wanted it all gone. I wanted us to just be Camila and Lauren again. So, I needed to try and make that happen.
"Camila, can we just...take a break from it all for one night?" I asked.
"From what?" she mumbled through her napkin.
"From the arguing and the fighting and the explanations and just all of the bullshit. Let's just be here with each other and eat some fucking dumplings and have a good time."
"As you can see, I'm already having a great time."
"I'll take that as a yes...?"
Camila finished wiping her face and finally brought the napkin back down to her lap. I raised my eyebrows and flashed her a hopeful smile. She looked back at me for a few seconds, in contemplation, until finally...
"Ok." she grinned.
My smile grew until the corners of my mouth were practically reaching my eyes.
"Perfect.", I said, reaching for my spoon and chopsticks, "Are you ready to eat dumplings the right way now?"
"I'll need a second to recover, but after that I'll be good to go." she laughed.
"Alright, good. You can watch how it's done."
"I know how it's done, thank you very much."
"I can tell." I teased.
"You will be able to tell once my mouth stops feeling like it's on fire!"
"Oh my God. Do you remember that time we dared Dinah to eat a whole glob of wasabi?"
"Glob." she giggled.
"Yes, glob."
"That's a great word."
"I chose it carefully."
"You chose wisely. And yes, I do remember that. She kept drinking all of our water even though we told her it would make it worse." she laughed.
"'Bish, how could water make it worse?'" I imitated Dinah.
Camila and I laughed together at the memory we had of the younger girl. I took the opportunity to poke a hole in my dumpling and release the broth into the spoon.
"Nicely done." Camila said as she admired my work.
"Thanks.", I said, " I think I'll try out your technique for the next one, though."
"Not if I can finish them all before you get to it." she said as she rushed to pick up her chopsticks and spoon.
"No chance, Cabello. I'll fight you."
"No fair. You'd win."
"Hey, you won that one time."
"Only because Sofi got involved and you didn't want to hurt her."
"Oh my God, how's the little nugget doing?"
"She's great.", Camila giggled, "Oh my gosh, you'll never believe what she did yesterday..."