PART 2
December 19th, 2016
12:00 P.M.
Camila
I remembered waking up that morning (or technically, afternoon) in my own bed with a fire lit under me. I was surprised that I had even slept at all. I had spent a majority of the night thinking about how to respond to Fifth Harmony's Twitter post.
Fifth Harmony's Twitter post.
It was so strange referring to them as if I wasn't a part of them; because I no longer was. I didn't exactly feel any different, but it was probably because it hadn't set in yet. All of us were used to going home for the holidays so it still sort of felt like I would be going back after the break. The only glaring reminder that I wouldn't be was sitting on their Twitter feed.
Lauren had warned me. She had told me to wait until the morning to check, but I couldn't stand the anticipation. I had to know what the heck she was going on about, why she seemed so terrified of the management last night.
Last night...that was the only thing rushing through my head more than the Twitter post. I hadn't cried that much in front of anybody other than my mom in such a long time. In fact, I woke up absolutely drained from all of the crying. Anybody who might have seen me would have thought that it was because of the drama of the split, but I knew that it was only because of her. It always was. I laid there in bed, replaying the night's events over and over again.
She had basically told me that we were nothing more than pawns in Maverick and Epic's game, that our personal relationship meant nothing anymore. That was what she said, but what she did mattered more to me. I could clearly see the tears streaming down her face, the visible pain in her expression, the way she held onto my thumbs like she never wanted to let go. I could see her wheels turning every time I asked her a question or expected her to respond to me. She wasn't dead in there. She cared. I knew her well enough to know that something was going on and, for now, I knew that I would have to be ok with not knowing what it was; but, God, it was destroying me.
Maybe this would be good for Lauren and me. We would finally get that concrete space that we needed from each other. Breakups aren't meant to happen inside of a cage; all that leads to is a cage match. Lauren and I were trapped for so long, but maybe now we could really focus on ourselves and our passions. I truly believed that we could reconnect again someday, whether as friends or...something else. Maybe I was naive to have such a feeble hope, but her kiss was implanted in my mind, on my heart. I just had to be patient. She had tried to teach me that lesson for so long, and maybe it was finally time that I learned it.
"Kaki!" my sister, Sofi's, voice appeared in the doorway.
Sofia sprinted over to my bed and immediately tackled me without warning.
"Oh my God, Sofi!" I attempted to yell as I had the wind knocked out of me.
"Hi." she giggled.
"Hi, little monster. Are you trying to kill me?"
"Of course not! I can't kill you right when you're about to be a famous pop star."
I flashed Sofi a soft smile, envying her innocence. She had no idea what went on behind the scenes, all of the drama and heartbreak that it took to get to this point. It was better this way. I would let her live in her fantasy since I couldn't live in mine.
"You could take over for me, though. I'm sure no one would notice." I joked.
"Um, I'm pretty sure Mami would notice." she laughed.
"Nah, she gets us confused all of the time. Why do you think she's messed up our names so much?"
"Because she's old."
"Ok, ya he oído suficiente (I've heard enough)." my mom chimed in as she walked towards us.
Sofi and I laughed as we hid under the covers, trying to escape the wrath of our mother. Tip of the day: never call a woman old. Our mom immediately ripped the covers off of us and started tickling Sofi while I escaped to the other side of the room.
"Kaki, help!" my sister called out.
"You're on your own this time, kid!" I shouted back.
Sofi kicked and screamed in between her giggles, knowing that this was a battle she would lose. My mom was an expert tickler, but luckily for me, Sofi had become the new target once she was born. The two of them went on like this for about a minute or so before my mother dismissed Sofi, telling her that she needed to speak with me. Sofi closed the door behind her as she left, leaving my mom and I to discuss whatever was on her mind.
"Como te sientes, hija (How are you feeling)?" she began.
I leaned back against my desk and flashed her a weak smile. She made her way over to me and put her arm around me.
"Viste el post en Twitter (Did you see the Twitter post)?" I asked.
"Por su puesto. Por eso estoy aqui (Of course. That's why I'm here)."
"Well", I sighed, "I'm honestly shocked. I mean, Lauren warned me but I didn't think that it would be that ridiculous."
"Are you going to tell me what happened with Lauren last night?"
I had finally gotten in the habit of telling my mom everything, especially if it had to do with the green eyed girl. It felt nice to have someone who was completely on my side to vent to about everything, but I knew that the only reason that she was comfortable talking about it all was because it was over. I couldn't imagine what she would say or do if I told her that I still had a small hope in the back of my mind that we would get back together. I had gotten good at telling her everything, but I definitely still wasn't good about telling her exactly how I felt about it all.
"Honestly, it wasn't that important." I answered, only half believing myself.
"Hija, entraste al carro ayer llorando. Sin palabras (You got in the car yesterday crying. Unable to speak)." she contested.
"It was just a goodbye. That's all."
"Are you sure that you don't want to talk about it?"
"I'm sure, Mamá. Thank you. Right now, I just need to focus on what the heck I'm going to say to that post."
"Hablaste con Roger (Have you talked to Roger)?"
"No. I kind of want this to be my own thing. I've clearly seen what happens when the management takes over the statement."
"I think you should talk to him first. You don't want him to get angry at you."
"Mamá, this isn't Fifth Harmony anymore. This is me. I'm taking control, at least over this. I don't want Roger to have me twist it into something it's not."
"Yo no creo que haria eso (I don't think he'd do that)."
"Maybe not, but he's been all for screwing up my relationship with the girls and the management for so long. I'm not going out like that."
With that, my mom planted a sweet kiss on my head and rubbed my arm.
"You are brave, you know that? My little fighter." she said as she pulled me closer to her.
"Just call me Ali." I joked.
"Quien es ese (Who is that)?"
"Ay, Mamá, just let it go."
"Bueno, don't expect me to get all of your hip phrases. Como Sofi dijo (Like Sofi said), I'm old."
"No, Mamá, you're just Latina as hell."
"Lo dices como si fuera algo malo (You say that like it's a bad thing)."
"Es la mejor cosa en el mundo (It's the best thing in the world)."
I kissed my mom on the cheek and pulled her in for a warm hug. I was so grateful for her. I knew that the next few hours would consist of the two of us brainstorming a Twitter response together, and I was so happy that she would be my side for the entire process. As we sat down to start formulating a post, I thought of the green eyed girl and what she had said to me the night before.
"Camila, I'm trying to make things right. I'm trying to tell you that we need to stick together as much as we can since the industry is going to try and tear us apart, pit us against each other."
This wouldn't be a malicious reply. This would be a sort of message to the green eyed girl herself, to let her know that I understood that fighting back wasn't the solution. Loving back was. The media, the management, even the public to a certain extent all wanted drama. I wasn't here to give it to them.
................................................................
December 19th, 2016
11:30 P.M.
Lauren
D: It happened
Immediately after seeing Dinah's text, I closed out my messages and went to Twitter on my phone. I typed Fifth Harmony in the search bar, eager to see what our team had responded to Camila's post earlier that day.
I was still sort of pissed off about the original post our team had put out the night before, but not because it was a lie. Technically, it was quite the opposite. It was the truth, but an exaggerated truth, a one-sided encounter of the situation, so I was glad to see that Camila was able to respond with her own words. I knew that she hadn't been influenced by Roger or anyone else; her post was honest and full of love.
Once both sides were out, I thought that the situation was going to be put to rest and I was so ready to just relax at home for the holidays, but I was dead wrong. Not long after Camila's post was published, our group chat came alive...
3:30 P.M.
D: Did you guys see Mila's post?
A: Yeah...
N: It wasn't like not not accurate
D: Mani dafuq does that mean🤔
L: Yeah that was like triple negatives
N: I'm just saying it was kind of like ours like it was kind of true but also biased
A: Biased?
N: Yeah like sure we knew she was leaving for a while but she still could've gone about it better
L: This whole thing is pointless
L: Everyone has their own opinion on what happened and how they want to convey it but the fact is that she's gone and it doesn't matter what happened now
L: Let's just let it go both sides have said their piece
D: Funny it doesn't feel like I've gotten a word in
A: Lo I get what you're saying but don't you think this kind of gave us a chance to put some input in?
A: Maybe management would be down to let us actually proofread it before they go crazy again
A: I can talk to Will😊
N: Will's proven over and over again that he has no control
N: I don't think that'll help much
L: I say we let it fucking go and just enjoy the little break that we have before all hell breaks loose again
D: Actually I kind of agree with Ally
A: I didn't think you'd want to fight back against Camila
A: You don't have to participate if you don't want to
D: No I do
D: Our fans need some more clarity
D: It's not about fighting Mila it's just about telling the truth and having a voice💪🏼
N: Lo do you want in on this?
L: Idk tbh
L: No matter what we decide to say they'll probably just twist it anyway
L: Let them do their thing
A: Well I'm gonna talk to Will so whoever wants in speak now
I remained silent. Dinah and Normani were on board with Ally's plan, but I honestly wanted nothing to do with the back and forth. Nothing was going to change the fact that Camila was gone, so what was the point? Besides, I knew this would just give the management something else to fuck us over with.
The only thing that had lifted my spirits that day was watching their asses be exposed for a bit. How exactly did that happen? Well, about two hours after the group conversation with the girls, Normani reported back in a fit of rage...
5:00 P.M.
N: Ugh Lo you were right😔
L: What am I right about this time
D: Shutup bish
A: Dinah
D: Sorry I'm annoyed😭😭
L: What happened?
N: Will said he would try his best but they were already working on a response
L: So we get no say again
A: Wait he said he'd incorporate whatever we sent him
L: Yeah, our names
L: Whatever I'm not surprised
D: I just had hope😞
L: There's not much room for hope under this bullshit contract
L: Can't wait until we go back to Epic in January
A: This next year is going to be different ladies🤗
A: It'll be great I have a feeling❤️❤️
N: Well if they want this all to end with a bang I want to contribute something too
N: Lo do you remember when Will came and told us that Camila would be gone after jingle ball?
L: Yea
D: I wasn't there I feel left out
N: Hush
N: Well I was really angry and annoyed and I don't really know what possessed me to do this but I sort of recorded part of that conversation
A: Say what??😱😱
L: Recorded it? Like on your phone?
N: Yeah
L: Dafuq why
N: Like I said idk really
N: I had this moment where I just wanted to remember it
N: I wanted to remember the pain they were putting us through, the disregard for our feelings
N: It was supposed to be just for me to fuel my fire but I think people need to hear it
D: People? What people
N: Everyone
N: Lo if you let me I'll leak this shit faster than you can finish saying yes
A: What exactly did you record?
N: I'll send it to you guys
I gave her my permission to release it in a heartbeat. I really didn't see what the downside could be for us and it felt so good to shed some light on how shitty the management had been treating us for far too long. I had spent the rest of the day focusing on that mini shot at revenge instead of worrying about what our team was going to reply to Camila, but the second it was posted, I couldn't help but be curious.
N: I'm actually pretty happy with it
A: Will came through😊
L: Those are your words?
D: About 80% of them yes actually
L: Wow
L: Well good jobs guys👏🏼👏🏼
D: Why does that seem sarcastic😒
L: It's not! I swear lol it's good
L: I'm proud of you
A: Phew! I'm breathing a sigh of relief
I smiled as the girls continued chatting about the post, genuinely happy that they were able to have a say of some sort, but I had to put the phone down after a few seconds. I wasn't sure why, but it was all suddenly hitting me at once. Camila was gone. No, she had left. It still stung so much.
I wasn't avoiding participating in the note with the girls because I wanted to be done with the situation; it was because I had to be done. It was too painful to continue prolonging it and reliving it. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face, traveling down to my lips and jawline.
"Get your shit together, Lauren." I whispered to myself, furiously wiping at my wet cheeks.
I picked my phone up again, determined to ignore the feeling of dread, but what I saw on my screen only made it harder to forget.
C: Hey thanks for the heads up btw
I wasn't sure exactly what she was referring to or if she was being sarcastic. Was she upset about the latest post? If so, I was glad to have nothing to do with it.
L: What heads up
C: Oh wow hi lol
C: I didn't expect you to answer so fast I was typing out my explanation lol
L: Sorry to interrupt lol
C: It's ok
C: I didn't say this last night but thanks for warning me about the management and them pitting us against each other
C: I'm not sure I would've had the strength to face the latest post
C: So thanks💞
I didn't have the heart to tell her that the latest post contained more of the girls' words than the first one; that it wasn't really management anymore.
L: Yeah well I'm sick of the bullshit and I'm sure you are too
C: Just say you're welcome dummy
C: You did me a favor
I scoffed. I wasn't sure why, but I was in a very self loathing mood. Maybe I was angry at myself for choosing not to participate in the final post; maybe I hated how weak I was being and how much the whole thing was affecting me. I didn't feel deserving of anyone's praise in that moment, especially not Camila's.
I had left the brown eyes girl in a pool of her own tears the night before, unable to tell her everything that was really on my mind, on my heart. Yet, here she was, thanking me for my words. Everything just felt wrong. I felt sick to my stomach.
I reached over to my night desk and opened up the drawer, pulling out a small object in the process. I rolled the small pearl ring in between my fingers, tracing its smooth, round shape.
She had left it behind. She had walked out crying and didn't even think to pick up the ring, but I couldn't leave without it. I couldn't stand the thought of it being gone and I couldn't stand my attachment to it. I couldn't stand my attachment to her. I couldn't shake it. She was gone and I was still crying because of her, still concerned for her, and still trying to keep my mind off of her. And yet no one would ever know.
L: Np