December 11th, 2016
2:00 P.M.
Lauren
It had been a few weeks since the AMA's, which also meant a few weeks since I had basically told Camila that I wanted her gone. I didn't know what had come over me. I wasn't planning on everything coming out as terribly as it had, but the champagne coursing through my veins made me a tad more blunt than I had wanted to be.
It wasn't necessarily that I wanted her gone; I just wanted to be mentally prepared. Plus, I was sort of ready to move on with the next phase. Obviously, I was going to miss her, but I had dealt with all of the drama for long enough. We all needed to move on, and prolonging it was just stupid in my opinion.
Regardless, Camila and I had spoken a lot less since that night. I had really struck a chord in her and, as usual, I was too chicken to apologize. I hadn't really said anything I hadn't meant, after all. Unsurprisingly, Camila and I talking less meant her distancing herself from the group again, with the exception of Dinah. I was really glad that those two had patched things up. She needed someone totally in her corner, and it just couldn't be me anymore.
The two of them were out that day, leaving Ally, Normani, and me to chill by ourselves on our day off. The jingle ball tour had been underway for about a week now, and it was always great to get a day of rest in. We were sitting in Normani's hotel room munching on snacks and just chatting. I loved these moments with them where I could just feel so...ordinary. However, the peace was short lived, because soon we heard a knock at the door.
"Look who's here!" Normani beamed after opening the door for Will.
"I am indeed." he returned with a weak smile.
"If you're looking for snacks, we're not sharing." I teased.
"Lauren. Don't be mean. Give the man some food." Ally scolded me.
"It's ok, Allycat.", Will chuckled, "I'm not here for food."
"What's up?" Normani asked as she sat down on her bed.
"I just got some news."
The three of us stared back at him, immediately noting the gravity in his tone. This didn't sound like it was going to be good news.
"What happened?" Ally asked, her voice dripping with concern as she stood up from the floor.
"Nothing happened, per say.", Will reassured her, placing a hand on her shoulder, "It's not exactly news. It's just news that it's confirmed."
Will made it a point to look into each of our eyes before he continued.
"Camila will be leaving next Sunday." he finally said.
"Next Sunday?" Normani echoed.
"As in the 18th." Will clarified.
"Does Dinah know?" was the first question that popped into my head.
"Not yet. We just found out and we didn't want to interrupt her day with her family so we'll tell her when she gets back."
"What do you mean you found out? From who?" Normani asked.
"Roger. Well, it's obviously been something we've been discussing for quite some time now but he officially confirmed it. Last Jingle Ball and then...she's out."
The four of us fell into a deep silence. I wasn't sure where the rest of them were looking, but I knew that I couldn't meet anyone's gaze. I simply stared down at the floor, running my fingers through the grooves in the carpet, as if it mattered at all; as if anything mattered.
This was what I had wanted, wasn't it? I could mentally prepare now...but I didn't realize that I wasn't even ready to do that. She was really going, and I had spent the last few weeks creating a gap between us yet again. Why? Because of the fucking management. They always made everything so much worse, and it was about to happen again.
"I know this is a lot to digest, but we need to start talking more about what's going to happen after." Will broke the silence, his arm now protectively around Ally.
"Without Dinah?" Normani asked.
"We're not saying much now. Just letting you guys know what's going on."
"For once." I murmured.
"What was that?"
"I feel like I'm constantly blindsided by everything that happens around here so I honestly don't know what to expect from you guys, Will."
"Lauren, I'm here right now so that you won't be blindsided. You guys just need to have it on your radar that we're going to have to kick it up a notch."
"What does that mean?" Normani chimed in again.
"Well, you guys will go home for the holidays, as usual, but we've got to get straight to work after."
"Wait, seriously?" I asked.
Will simply blinked, not understanding what I was questioning.
"We don't even get time to process this shit?" I elaborated.
"That's what the holidays are for." he replied.
"The holidays are for forgetting about all of the bullshit and just being with our families. Not for stressing out about going into warp speed when we get back. We need more time, Will. You expect us to just bounce back here and carry on?"
"You have to. It's our only option, Lauren. With Camila leaving, there's a lot of work to be done. Rehearsals and—"
"Rehearsals for what?" Normani spoke up.
"For...everything. The world doesn't stop spinning, guys. You still have commitments, shows, interviews. We can't just run away from that. We need to acknowledge it as soon as possible."
Ally stepped away from Will's embrace, crossing her arms over her chest. He stared at her as if he had just lost a best friend, but Ally simply looked down at the floor. Normani got up from the bed and started pacing around the room, her phone in hand.
"Girls...", Will spoke again, "I'm sorry. This is just what needs to be done. This is the business."
"I'm sick of hearing that.", I spat, "I'm sick of all of you acting like you're not at fault, as if you actually care about us!"
"Lauren." Ally scolded me.
"No, Ally, I can't take this anymore."
I stood up, returning my attention to Will.
"Will, I know that you try your best and I'm not trying to make you feel like shit, but I just find it hard to believe that you can't do more. That we can't do more. Shit needs to change, man."
"I know. And I promise, things will be different once she's gone. I promise." He responded.
"How can you promise that?"
"I just can, Lauren. I know you don't have much reason to but you need to trust me when I say that Camila leaving is going to change so much for you guys."
"And yet we still can't get a breather after she goes? And yet we're still expected to carry on like fucking slaves. We put in so much fucking work and we're still constantly told that we need to do more. Do you realize how much we've accomplished this year? How many awards we've won? If it's about the product to you, then you should be fucking happy. But here's the thing, Will; we're not products. We are not just bodies on a stage, Will, we are individual women with thoughts and emotions and we need time to deal with that, too, sometimes."
"Lauren, I don't—"
"You don't have control over that, life goes on, blah fucking blah. Whatever! I get it."
"I—"
"You should go." Ally practically whispered, placing a hand on Will's arm.
Will's mouth hung open for a few more seconds before he knew that Ally was right. I knew myself well enough at this point to know that once I was in this state there was no reasoning with me. I hated it about myself, but I knew that it was true, and so did Ally. Will finally put his lips together and shrugged, accepting his defeat.
Deep down, I knew that it wasn't really his fault. I knew that he cared about us, but, in that moment, I couldn't look past all of the bullshit that they had put us through for so many years. As Will made his way towards the door, Ally came and sat down next to me on the floor, putting her arm around me. Normani continued pacing.
"Its going to be ok." she said softly while rubbing my arm.
"No, Ally, it's not unless shit changes." I rasped, my heart suddenly in my throat.
"You heard Will. He said things will be different."
"Why do I feel like I've been hearing that for ages though? I just feel like we're always being thrown around; 'Go here, do this, say this, be that, you can't do this'. It's like they keep so much shit from us and still expect us to do what they say! Not even Camila knows anything! That fucking blew my mind, Ally."
"Lauren--"
"They are constantly making decisions on a regular basis to fuck us over, to make us literal slaves, like literally slaves, Ally. We're doing fucking labor everyday and we see nothing!"
"I know. I know."
"Lauren." Will's voice appeared again.
Apparently, he hadn't actually left yet. Ally and I looked up at him and Normani finally stopped pacing, stopping only to sit down at the desk and set her phone on the surface.
"I'm really sorry." was all that he said before walking out of the room for real.
................................................................
December 13th, 2016
5:00 P.M.
Camila
Every time I looked at her, it all set in again. In five days, everything would change. I would go home for the holidays, and I wouldn't come back. I wouldn't see any of these people on a daily basis anymore. I wouldn't see her. The way things were going, I probably wouldn't even talk to her.
I wouldn't talk to any of them; except for Dinah. She had become my new rock because Lauren couldn't take the wear and tear anymore. I didn't blame her, I just didn't think that it would ever actually come to this point. The past month or so had me thinking that my leaving the group was going to end on a good note, but once Lauren and I stopped talking again, my hopes diminished.
I guess my hopes had really only been lying with the green eyed girl the entire time. As long as the two of us were good, everything else seemed bearable. Normani and Ally had basically decided that we were all going to be cordial with each other ages ago, so I was ok with where we were at, and Dinah and I had finally gotten back to where we used to be (or as close as we could), but Lauren was becoming a stranger yet again. This time, I couldn't just wait for time to fix it again. Time was running out.
We were all on our way to Brazil for a short detour from the Jingle Ball tour, although I wasn't sure why our team had decided to include us in this festival. As much as I loved Brazil and wanted to see all of our fans there, some rest would have been nice. It may even have given us all some time enjoy our last few days together. Then again, maybe that only mattered to me at this point.
Either way, we were all making our way through airport security, Dinah and I chatting near the front of the line. She had posted a picture of us on Instagram with a incredibly sweet caption, and I felt closer to her than I had since before all of the solo nonsense started happening.
Her reassurance was so necessary. She knew that the days were winding down, she knew that there would be a lot of anger, sadness, and confusion coming from our fans, and she knew that I needed to know that she would still have my back no matter what. I was so scared of what was to come, but I knew that that fear was good. That fear was what was driving me forward. I had to focus on why I was doing this, not what I was going to miss by doing it.
"So, things still weird?" Dinah asked in a hushed tone.
The two of us both looked towards the back of the line and saw Lauren typing away on her phone. Just looking at her hurt.
"Yeah." I sighed.
"I'm sure she'll come around." Dinah tried.
"When? It's not like..."
Dinah and I met each other's gazes again, knowing exactly what I was going to say.
It's not like there's much time.
I didn't realize how much things were going to change once there was actually a set date. It was like we were all walking on eggshells, fully aware that they were scattered everywhere but still trying not to break them.
Luckily, we were interrupted once we got to the front of the line and were forced to focus on getting through security, instead. Dinah and I made it through without a problem, followed by a few more of our team and family members, but once it got to Lauren, there seemed to be an issue.
They pulled her aside into a sort of cubicle, and I couldn't quite see what was going on, so I decided to investigate some more.
"What's happening?" I asked Jorge as I approached him.
"Not sure. Apparently they found something in her bag." he answered casually.
"Something? Like a weapon?"
"Or maybe something that could be considered a weapon. I'm not sure. I'm sure it's fine."
"We've been through airports a million times. Wouldn't Lauren be perfectly familiar with what's allowed and not allowed?"
"Camila, I'm sure it's fine, hija. We'll wait a bit longer"
And so we did; we waited for another ten minutes or so only to be told that we needed to go to our gate without Lauren. A few of our team members stayed back to deal with the situation, but the rest of us needed to prepare to board the flight.
"What could possibly be happening, though?" I asked as I took my seat next to Ashlee on the plane.
"I don't know, but I'm sure she'll be fine. Just try and relax, ok?" Ashlee said in a soothing tone.
I started chewing on my lower lip, growing more worried by the second. The only thing that distracted me from my stress was my phone buzzing in my lap. However, the message brought the stress right back. It was a text from Will in our group message.
Will: Ok ladies we've got news on Lauren. She's being detained so it doesn't look like she'll be able to make the flight.
W: No weapons or anything like that. Just some marijuana
Wait, what?
W: We're going to wait a bit to figure out what should be said so don't go tweeting 'we miss Lauren' or anything like that yet
N: Is she going to catch a later flight?
W: It's going to be difficult with the holidays and with everything being so last minute
W: Plus I'm not sure what the consequences are yet
W: We'll keep you posted I promise
'I'm not sure what the consequences are yet.'
Why was that text stressing me out so much? I didn't know if I was more concerned for what was going to happen to her or more pissed off that it was happening at all. I could've sworn that she had toned down the smoking, so why was she going to the trouble to bring it to Brazil for a day? I couldn't believe her stupidity, and yet I was so worried about her. I suddenly wished that we weren't both so freaking stubborn. We would have been talking the past few weeks and maybe...
No, I knew it was insane to think that this was my fault at all. Lauren had smoked weed before, during, and after we were dating. I didn't really think that I had such a drastic effect on her smoking habits, especially after some silly, half drunk talk after the AMA's. I sank down in my airplane seat and tried my best to just relax and forget all of the drama. I needed to make these last few days and performances count, with or without the green eyed girl by my side.
................................................................
December 14th, 2016
3:00 P.M.
Lauren
It was a feeling I hadn't felt in ages, but I was actually...bored. I was stuck in Atlanta by myself, with the exception of a few team members, and all I had done all day was lie in my hotel room bed.
Normally, I would have welcomed lazy days like this in a heartbeat, but it just felt wrong knowing that I should have been in Brazil with the girls. It was one thing being on break, but it was another feeling like I was missing out, especially when I knew that soon everything would change. I should have been grasping onto the normalcy and instead I got myself caught with weed at the airport.
It definitely wasn't my proudest moment, to say the least. It was pretty embarrassing, first of all, and plus, I was letting down all of our fans in Brazil who wanted to see us all. They had no clue that this would've been their last chance to see us as a five-some, and I fucked it up.
I sighed, thinking about how I'd even gotten back to the place where I was sneaking weed onto flights. I had done it before, usually when Camila and I were going through something pretty rough. It helped me keep up appearances. It was so difficult having to do interviews and shows and pretend that everything was ok. Human beings just weren't meant to be in the public eye that much, I concluded. Weed just helped me relax a bit. Was that really so bad?
As I sat there in absolute and total boredom, I thought about Ty Dolla $ign. He was the one who had given me the weed this time. I usually found different ways to get it depending on where I was, but this time he had offered to help me out.
"First time's free. Maybe even the second time for you."
What a gem. Ty was definitely the collaborator we had become closest to over the years, probably because 'Work From Home' was our biggest success to date. Either way, we all loved him. Heck, Dinah even admitted to having a crush on him once, which we all definitely teased her for. Dinah and Ty? That would be absolutely ridiculous. Besides, he had a girlfriend.
Speaking of girlfriends, I looked down at my phone laying on my stomach as it began to buzz to see Lucy's name on the screen. I smiled, welcoming any form of entertainment, especially if it was her.
"Halooo." I answered.
"Hey, dummy." she replied.
"Why am I a dummy?"
"You got caught with weed? Amateur move. You're lucky you're a fucking celebrity, I swear."
"I'm sorry, are you saying you wanted me to get arrested?"
"Yeah, maybe. It could've been hot. We could've done some sexy jailbird role play with that."
"We don't need any role playing. You're sexy enough." I shifted my voice to a seductive tone.
"Well, I guess I could say the same for you mi amor."
"Want to Skype?"
"Are you horny?"
"Mostly bored, but I guess it eventually leads to that."
"Bored?", Lucy laughed, "I feel like I haven't heard you say that since like fucking middle school."
"Well, in middle school it never led to horny so it was lame. I decided to give up boredom altogether."
"Well as much as I'd love to entertain you, I actually have to go. I just wanted to check in really quick."
"I'm alive. Thanks for checking."
"Thanks for being alive."
"Thanks for being hot."
"Stop making me want to stay."
"I'm pretty sure you staying benefits me so I'll continue to do so."
"Ok, seriously I'm meeting a group to study for our final. I told you, no distractions this week, babe."
"You're free to hang up whenever you want."
"I just wanted to ask how you're doing, though."
"I told you I'm bored."
"No, not now. In general. I know you and Camila haven't really been talking again and now you're getting caught with weed..."
"Ah, I see. Lucy, I'm fine, babe. Ty just gave me a good amount and I didn't want it to go to waste but I had no idea where the fuck to leave it. It was a mistake and it won't happen again."
"But why did you feel like you needed a good amount?"
"Babe, come on. You know it helps me."
"Life just seems to go better for you when you and Camila are on good terms."
"Are you telling me to reconcile again?"
"I'm telling you that you'll regret it if she leaves and you've barely spoken a word to her in the past few weeks."
"Why are you always the fucking voice of reason?"
"Because I love you."
"Yeah, well, I love you too."
"Have fun on your impromptu day off."
"I'll try my best."
Lucy and I hung up and I was left alone to contemplate everything that she had said. I knew that she was right, as always, but I couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that apologizing would only make things worse. Maybe it was just easier to go out this way, to slowly drift rather than get close again and have her ripped away from me. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew that I only had four days to decide.