October 15th, 2016
1:30 A.M.
Camila
I still couldn't get over Dinah's meltdown during the concert that night. It wasn't anything like mine or Lauren's from the North American leg of the tour. We didn't all carry on as if nothing had happened; in fact, there was no way we could've. Dinah started crying just before our acoustic version of 'Brave, Honest, Beautiful', which we were lucky had no choreography or stage work to stop us from giving our full love and attention to our youngest member.
The five of us sitting together on that stage singing to Dinah was just as nice of a moment as the one we had had backstage a few days earlier. The settings were so different, but the message was still the same: we were still Fifth Harmony; we were still a family.
I couldn't believe how positive the ending of our journey was looking. I thought back to all of the pain and loneliness that I had suffered through, all of the trust I had broken with the girls, all of the terrible arguing and fighting that had gone on practically since Roger had stepped into the picture over a year earlier. It all seemed so irrelevant now. We loved each other too much to let any of the bullshit get in our way, and we definitely had Dinah to thank for helping us all recognize that. She was our glue.
After the show, we were all supposed to hop on a plane to Portugal for our concert on the 16th, but, seeing as we had a free day in between, I decided to stay behind and explore Barcelona, a city that I absolutely adored. I also got lucky enough to get in touch with one of our friends, Xavi Martinez, who invited me to go out and party that night.
Of course, my mom wouldn't let me stay alone so Ashlee and our keyboardist offered to stay behind with me along with, drum roll please...Lauren! The green eyed girl felt like she wanted another day in Barcelona so she chose to stay behind with us, too, but oddly enough didn't feel like going out with us. It wasn't until we got back to the hotel that I found out why.
"You're such a baby. You know they usually party until like five in the morning here?" I informed Ashlee as we walked back to our room (Ashlee had decided to take my mom's spot).
"Excuse me. Don't act all high and mighty. You were ready to pass out, too." she argued.
"Shhh! Don't tell people that! They'll revoke my Latina status."
"Girl, you have more Latina in that Cuban booty than I do in my entire body."
Just when I was about to answer, we heard a door across from ours open, revealing Lauren in a large t-shirt.
"Our Cuban booties do help people figure out that we're not white." she chimed in with a smirk.
"See? I'm not wrong." Ashlee laughed.
"Good morning, Lauren." I changed the subject.
"I really wish you wouldn't call it morning when we're up late. I get really concerned and think I pulled an all-nighter or some shit." Lauren responded.
"I'm just respecting the A.M. and P.M. labels."
Lauren rolled her eyes and scoffed.
"You guys going to sleep?" she asked.
"Grandma here is." I teased, pointing to Ashlee as she opened up our room door.
"I'm not going to sit here and take this abuse...", Ashlee responded, "...but yes, I'm going to sleep. Mi-mi?"
"I'll chill with Lauren for a little bit."
"How kind of you." said Lauren.
Ashlee left me with the key card and disappeared into our room while Lauren and I moved into hers. I was glad that she and I could just hangout without it being weird anymore. Otherwise, I probably would've ended up watching Friends for four hours straight and trying to contain my laughter so I wouldn't wake Ashlee up. Lauren and I took our places on the floor at the foot of her bed.
"So, do you want to explain why you didn't want to go out?" I asked Lauren after telling her about the night's events.
"Can't I just not want to go out sometimes?" she countered.
"Sure, but we're in Barcelona! And it's you. I figured you would have wanted to stay behind with us so you could go out."
"I wanted to stay behind because I happen to love this city just as much as you do, dummy. Plus, Lauren (our keyboardist, not to be confused with Lauren of the Jauregui descent) and I had plans to go this tapas place she loves. But, tonight, I'm exhausted. There's no way I could've gone out, or hopped on a plane for that matter."
"Four years together and you're still full of surprises."
"What can I say? I'm a complex human being."
"Yeah, yeah. So what did you do all night?"
"Listened to your song."
Woah, what? I had almost forgotten that 'Bad Things' had been released earlier that day and I definitely didn't expect Lauren to say that she had actually listened to it. All I had gotten from her for Shawn and I's song was a forced tweet.
"Are you serious?" I asked, suddenly nervous.
"I mean, it's not all I did, but, yeah, I listened to it." she replied.
"Wow. That's...I mean...um, what do you think?"
"What do you think I think?"
"Laurennnn."
"Camila, relax. It's dope."
"Really?"
"It's really dope. I listened to it like a dozen times."
I almost lunged at her like I had done to Dinah when she told me her reaction, but I contained myself.
"Oh my gosh.", I said instead, "Thank you! That's so nice!"
"Just honest.", she answered with a smile, "You know, it was so good that it makes me want to do a solo song of my own."
I stared back at Lauren with a blank expression.
"Huh?" I finally said.
"I have news." she beamed.
"Wait, what? Are you kidding? What's happening?"
"I'm doing a song with Marian Hill."
Instinctively, I slapped Lauren's arm.
"You're kidding!" I yelled.
"Ouch!", she returned, "Is the hitting necessary?"
"Sorry! I'm just....what?!"
"Camila.", she laughed, "Relax."
"No! This is so exciting! When did this happen? How did this happen? Does everyone know?"
"Ok, breathe. Let me backtrack a bit."
"That would be nice."
"Ok, so, over the break in September I went to New York for a few days."
"For the Fashion Week, I'm aware."
"Right. So, when I was there, I went to Jeremy's apartment and recorded some stuff for them."
"Wait, what? But how did this even start? They just called you up that day and you decided to record stuff?"
"No, sorry. I didn't go back far enough.", she giggled, "They called me when we were on tour and told me that they had a song that they wanted me to hop on. So, they sent me the track and...guess what?"
"You're on the track."
"Well, yes, I think we've established that, but...your girl got to do some songwriting!"
"You wrote part of it?"
"Yeah, I wrote the part I sang."
"Lauren! That's..."
This time, I couldn't contain it. I leaned forward and hugged the green eyed girl as tight as I could.
"That's incredible." I spoke into her ear.
"I know!" she agreed as she hugged me back.
After a few seconds, we released ourselves from the embrace and looked into each other's eyes again. She looked so happy, so radiant. I knew how happy Lauren got when she got to put some of herself into our music, but this was something entirely new. This was exactly how I felt when I wrote my first song with Shawn. I was so unbelievably happy for her, but I couldn't help my mind from wondering one thing.
"What does everyone else think?" I asked.
In other words, were they being as awkward and rude about it as they had been with me?
"Actually, I haven't told anyone. I mean, not the girls." she responded.
"What? You told me first?" I asked, not being able to help the light fluttering in my stomach.
"Well...you told me first when you did it. It seemed right."
"Lauren..."
"Look, I know that I've been pretty shitty since then. I promised you that I would support you and be there for you a long time ago and I've definitely broken that promise since."
"A lot of unanticipated stuff happened. It's not your fault."
"I know, but I still want to make it right. We didn't even talk about this song you did with Machine Gun Kelly and then it just came out and...well, I felt like I didn't even know you anymore. It felt like I was just listening to another song I discovered roaming through YouTube. I didn't like that feeling and I don't want it to be like that with my song for you."
"That's...really nice, Lauren."
She simply flashed me a shy smile before looking down at her hands in her lap. I watched her bite her bottom lip and begin twiddling her fingers. I knew Lauren well enough to know that she was nervous about something. Instead of prodding her, I decided to wait for her to speak up again. After a few seconds of silence, she did.
"I also wanted to tell you something else."
"What?" I asked, suddenly aware of how fast my heart was beating.
"This is something I haven't talked to our team about yet..."
I said nothing. I was too anxious to even begin to formulate a response. Lauren looked back up at me before speaking again.
"I want to come out." she practically whispered.
"You..." I couldn't even finish my thought.
"I want to come out.", she said again, this time more defiantly.
"Um...Y-you...", I struggled, "As what?"
"What?"
"I mean...are you gay?"
"Camila, what the fuck?"
"No, I'm serious! You've never really actually talked about it."
"Ok, but you sound like you're shocked or some shit."
"I'm not shocked. I'm just trying to clarify what it is you're planning on saying to people...or how...or when...or why?"
"Ok, so, this is something I've been thinking about the past, like, two weeks, and with tour and all of this shit I haven't exactly had time to think it through fully yet, but here's what I've got so far. First of all, I want to do this because I'm sick of everyone talking about shit they don't know and I'm also sick of having my life controlled by other people. I want to come out on my terms and tell people that I know who I am and that they can't tell me anything otherwise."
"So, you're...?"
"Bi. It took me fucking ages to come to this conclusion, or I guess just to accept it, but I know that I like girls and I also know that I still like guys. Since this world feels the need to call love by different names, that's the name I'm taking on."
"Ok. So...do you really think Will and all of them are going to go for it, though? I mean, they fought so hard to keep us a secret for so long..."
"This isn't about us. It's about me and it's about taking control. I'm sick of the bullshit, Camila. And honestly, they can't really stop me. I can get the information out to the world with the push of a button now."
"And you're sure you're ready for this? You were so...angry for so long."
"I was angry at everyone thinking that they knew who I was before I did. People were basically telling me who I should be and who I should love before I even figured it out for myself. I was angry for a lot of fucking reasons, but I'm done being angry and I'm done being silent."
"Well...what about...us?"
"What about us?"
"I mean, don't you think that this will basically tell all of the Camren shippers that they were right?"
"The Camren shippers can believe what they want to believe. I'm done caring about that shit. All I know is that I need to do this for myself and I'm not dragging you into it. I'm already anticipating trouble convincing the team that I can do this so I don't want to freak them out even more with the thought of fucking 'Camren' coming out."
"Yeah..."
I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something was giving me this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. For some reason, it was upsetting me that Lauren was choosing to do this and leave me out of it. I knew I wasn't the reason for her sexuality, but I was still an integral part of her discovering it and coming to terms with it.
I wasn't even sure that I was ready for the repercussions of what Lauren exposing Camren would've meant for me, but I didn't seem to care. In that moment, all I cared about was that Lauren was finally doing what I had wanted her to do for so long...but I no longer had anything to do with it.
"Camila?" Lauren snapped me out of my thoughts.
I looked into those green eyes, wanting so badly to say everything that was on my mind.
"Do you have anything to say?" she pressed.
Yes. Why couldn't you have done this when we were together? It would have made us stronger. It would have validated what we had. It would have made everything so much less confusing. It might have even kept us together. Why are you so ready to do this now that you're dating Lucy? Don't you understand how that makes me feel? Don't you realize that all I ever wanted was to be able to scream to the universe that we were so deeply in love? To be able to sing about it? What would you say if you knew how many songs I had written about you? Why couldn't you see that we could've taken on the world together? Why have you been so incredibly inconsiderate the past few months? Were you just using me the entire time?
Did you ever even really love me?
"I'm happy for you." was all that came out of my mouth.
"Really?" she asked.
"Really."
And I wasn't lying. As much as I wanted to yell all of those things out to her, there was one thing that stopped me, and that was the look in her eyes that I had never seen before. It was a look of freedom, of peace. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't ready to come out before, and I had to drill it into my brain that it had nothing to do with me or Lucy. It just sucked that my brain couldn't help but wonder what took her so damn long.
Looking into her eyes in that moment, I finally realized that what had caused Lauren and I's demise wasn't incompatibility or me leaving the group or any of the Lucy bullshit. It had been exactly what Lauren had said the night we broke up for good: she needed to find herself again.
We had made the mistake of trying to be together while we were both in the process of growing and figuring ourselves out and it had just been too much to handle all at once. It had taken me months to understand just how right she had been, but that didn't mean that I was ok with it. That didn't mean that it didn't still hurt like hell.
In fact, all it did was make me wonder how different things would have been if we had met later in our lives or if we had met in a regular setting. It wasn't the first time a thought like that had crossed my mind, but it was the first time that I really understood why we could be together in those realities and not in this one.
And it fucking broke my heart.
................................................................
November 11th, 2016
4:30 P.M.
Lauren
"Alright! That's a wrap, guys!" Lucy's friend, Nicole, told us.
Lucy gave me one quick peck before releasing her grip on my waist. I was in New Orleans once again, but this time it wasn't just to see my girlfriend. My cousin was getting married that weekend and I was super excited for the wedding, but I would have been lying if I had said that what I was doing with Lucy the day before was a tad more nerve-wracking.
Nicole was one of Lucy's many photographer friends (you tend to have a lot of those when you're a model) who had called her up to do a photoshoot in New Orleans that weekend. Once Lucy realized that I would be visiting that weekend, she called me with an even better idea.
"Mi amor, I have a proposition for you." Lucy's voice came through the phone.
"And what's that?" I asked in a seductive tone.
"Do you want to do a photoshoot with me?"
"Oh. Well that wasn't where I thought this phone call was going."
"Get your mind out of the gutter for two seconds and listen to me."
"Sorry, babe. You make it difficult to stay out of there."
"Save it for when you come visit, baby. So, are you on board?"
"Lucy, I'm not a model like you. I wouldn't know what to do."
"What are you talking about? You've done a million photoshoots with Fifth Harmony."
"Yeah, but they're not models either. I don't feel as intimidated."
"If you're intimidated by your own girlfriend, we have bigger problems."
"Alright, why are you so amped about this, anyway?"
"Because, I have an idea. This isn't just a photoshoot, babe. It's a coming out shoot."
"Excuse me?"
"Hear me out. You said you wanted to come out, right?"
"Yeah, but--"
"But, what better way to do that then with a dope photoshoot? My friend, Nicole, is totally on board with the idea. She's excited to shoot it."
"Lucy...I don't know. I was thinking more along the lines of just like a Twitlonger or Instagram post, maybe even pull a Colton Hayes and let it slip out in an interview."
"So am I involved or not?"
"I don't know. I'd rather say 'I'm bi' than 'Here's my girlfriend'."
"Why?"
"I got enough of the public opinion with something they didn't even know was real. I just want you to myself, babe."
"Then how about we just do the shoot and then see how you feel afterward?"
"Wouldn't we be wasting your friend's time?"
"Taking pictures is never a waste of a photographer's time."
And so, there I was, wallowing around a swamp in New Orleans, taking intimate photos with my girlfriend for someone I had just met that day. Part of me was scared to trust Nicole not to leak the pictures if I said no to the whole thing, but if Lucy trusted her, then so did I.
"So? How are you feeling?" Lucy asked.
"It was fun...but, I still don't know. I'm just worried that it's all a little much." I answered honestly.
"You have to see some of these." Nicole beamed as she walked up to us.
I looked at Lucy one last time, trying to gage her reaction to my response, but she simply smiled at me and grabbed my hand. She gave it a gentle squeeze and prompted me to look at the camera with her and Nicole. The second I did, everything changed.
The pictures were beautiful. Lucy was beautiful. We were beautiful together. I watched in awe as Nicole walked us through a few of the shots, mesmerized by how much love I felt for Lucy in that moment. I looked over at her and stared at the goofy grin on her face, her eyes glued to the camera screen.
How could I have ever doubted this before? If the world was going to know who I wanted to love, this was the best way to show it. Our love looked so pure, so natural, so caring. This was the best way to convey that love was love, regardless of who it was shared between. This was the real statement.
"They're beautiful, Nicole." I spoke up, causing the two of them to look away from the camera and at me instead.
"You guys did so well!" she replied.
I watched Nicole as she took off with a high pitched squeal, walking back to the rest of her equipment as giddy as ever. She embodied the epitome of how I was feeling on the inside. Lucy gave my hand another squeeze to regain my attention.
"Now how are you feeling?" she grinned.
"You knew this would happen, didn't you?" I teased, nudging her in the rib.
"I do not proclaim myself a psychic, Lauren. I simply know you and I know that you can't turn down the chance to show the world a different form of love."
"You're insane. Sometimes you creep me out with how well you know me."
"I've had years to get my masters in Lauren Jauregui studies."
"Yeah? Well, I think you should have your final exam tonight."
"I bet you I pass with flying colors."
"We'll see about that. It's going to be a lonnngggg test."
With that, Lucy bit her bottom lip quickly before leaning in to kiss me again. This one, however, was much more passionate than a simple peck.
"Hey, shoot's over, you two. Enough with the love-making." Nicole interrupted from afar.
Lucy and I separated to look at Nicole, unable to wipe the mischievous smiles off of our faces.
"Nicki, when the camera's off is when the real fun begins." Lucy yelled back at her.
"Yeah, we should definitely go back to your place." I whispered into her ear.
Lucy bit her lip again and started walking towards Nicole, dragging me along with her. As I followed the gorgeous woman in front of me, I couldn't stop thinking about how happy I truly was. For the first time since I had joined Fifth Harmony, I really felt like I was in control of something important to me. I was going to finally come out the way that I wanted to, and with my best friend by my side for the whole thing.
Or so I thought.