September 2nd, 2016
10:30 P.M.
Camila
My mom was holding me tight to her chest, stroking the back of my head as my tears stained her blouse.
"Ya esta, hija. No llores mas. Todo está bien (That's enough. Stop crying. Everything's ok)." my mother spoke in a comforting tone.
I didn't have it in me to respond. All I could do was let the sobbing die down. The worst part about it all was the she had no idea why I was so upset, as usual, and yet she was still being the incredible mother that she was. I loved her so much, but I wasn't ready to talk about it.
"Camila?" that familiar, raspy voice appeared from the other side of the tour bus curtain.
I saw the a bit of movement behind the velvet cloth and I imagined her soft hands grazing the curtain, as if she were trying to feel me through the material. I didn't know if I could deal with her right now, but then I thought back to that moment when she had calmed me down after a panic attack in the bathroom. Maybe I needed her even though I had practically spent the past four years of my life trying not to.
"Entra, hija (Come in)." my mom made the decision for me.
Lauren slid the thick curtain to one side and revealed those piercing green eyes to me. I could only imagine how terrible mine must have looked in that moment; holes of darkness, mascara running down my cheeks, smudged eyeliner. I probably looked like a demented raccoon, and there she was, looking absolutely stunning, still in her tour outfit. She must've run over to the bus as soon as she could once the show ended.
To backtrack a bit, we were in St.Louis, Missouri, performing another show on our 7/27 tour that night. I was trying my absolute hardest to give my all for the fans, but a little over halfway through the show, I just couldn't do it anymore.
My anxiety took over unexpectedly and I was ushered back to the tour bus after they tried to rally me backstage for a few minutes. I just needed to find a place of comfort, which, thankfully, I was always able to find with my mom. The two of us hadn't been alone in the bus very long before Lauren entered, so I was still sort of a mess.
Lauren made her way over to us as we sat on my mother's bed, her black, heeled boots clacking on the floor the entire way over. Once she reached us, she crouched down so that she was closer to my eye level and placed a caring hand on my knee. I didn't want her to see me like this, but I couldn't look away from her.
"Are you ok?" were the first words that she addressed to me.
"Peachy." I answered sarcastically.
I watched a smile slowly appear on Lauren's face while I felt the corners of my mouth rising as well. We both chuckled softly although I was still struggling to breathe. Her thumb began lightly caressing my kneecap just before she turned to look at my mom.
"Do you mind if I talk to her for a little bit?" she asked, ending her question with a small lip bite.
My mom looked at me, as if she needed my permission before giving her response. I gave her a small nod, confirming that it was ok. I knew that my mom needed a break, too. She squeezed my arm tightly, kissed me on the head, and exited the quiet tour bus without another word. Lauren moved to sit where my mom had been before we returned our attention to each other.
"How was the rest of the show?" I asked, my voice cracking halfway through.
"Not the same without you." she answered, her tone more serious than I would have expected.
"I'm sorry."
"Camila.", she scoffed, "It's not your fault."
"I just thought I'd have more control over it by now."
"We all have our moments and we don't get to choose them."
"Sadly, we don't."
"Exactly. So don't beat yourself up about this."
"I just know what everyone's going to say. Of course it had to be me."
"Fuck them.", Lauren spat as she bent down to take her shoes off, "They don't know anything. Besides, you know you have a million fans who will only react with concern for you. Don't pay attention to anyone else."
"The first thing I did was take my shoes off, too."
Lauren looked up at me as she continued the strenuous process of removing the heeled boots and smiled. I returned the gesture, almost involuntarily, as it always was when it came to her.
"Yeah, these things kill." she said once she had finished taking her second boot off.
"Well, thanks for sticking it out." I replied.
"It's not like we had a choice."
"I know...I'm sorry."
"Camila, I didn't mean anything by that."
"Right."
Lauren took a deep breath before continuing.
"So, I don't want this happening again."
"Well, me neither."
"So maybe we should talk."
"Maybe I've been saying that the past few days and you haven't been listening."
"Maybe I was too chicken to face it."
"Maybe we should stop saying maybe."
"Maybe."
A pause consisting only of soft laughter filled the room. Five days had passed since Lauren and I's kiss on the night of the VMA's and those five days had gone by without us acknowledging the situation in the slightest. I had tried to, believe me, but she changed the subject every single time.
The strangest part about it all was that Lauren wasn't ignoring me like I would have expected her to. I had expected her to flip out and distance herself again, but she simply carried on like we had been since our Waffle House night. I wasn't sure if her behavior made dealing with it better or worse, but I think that worrying about it and having it bottled up for five days drove me to break down; which brings us back to the present moment.
"Can we just forget it happened?" Lauren spoke up again.
"I don't know about you, but I can't." I answered honestly.
"Well, not forget, but...pretend it didn't?"
"Are you serious?"
"Camila, we were drunk and it was a split second. It's not like anything else happened."
It was true. We had started kissing for about five seconds before Lauren pulled away and started telling me to get off of her again, laughing along as though it were all a joke. I laughed along too, but only to mask the drunken confusion and the pain that I was feeling in that moment. I was starting to feel it all again right now.
"I know, but still. It's not like...I mean, what did Lucy have to say?"
That was it. I had finally acknowledged 'she who must not be named' and now it was up to Lauren to figure out how to deal with it being out in the open. The ball was in her court, and, boy, did she pull an unexpected move with it.
"Uh, I...", she stuttered, "She...I haven't...told her."
"What?" I asked, my eyes now wide.
"Because it's not a big deal!"
"Lauren, are you kidding me?"
"I'm going to tell her, alright? I'd just rather tell her in person. Besides, that's irrelevant. It's between Lucy and me. I just need to make sure that you're going to be ok."
"Are you talking to me to make sure I'm ok or to make sure that I keep my mouth shut?"
"Camila, come on."
"Honestly, it's a valid question."
"No, it's not. I figured we should talk about this so you don't lose it again."
"But you're cool as a cucumber, right?"
"I know it was a mistake. And you know it, too, so I don't know why you're freaking out."
"Whatever, Lauren. Can you just go get my mom, please?"
"Don't be mad."
"I'm not mad. You're right. It's fine. Thanks for clarifying."
"I...nevermind."
With that, Lauren got up from the bed and made her way back over to velvety curtain. The second her hand touched the thick material, she stopped and turned to face me one last time before she went.
"I'm sorry." she spoke softly.
And then she was gone.
................................................................
September 5th, 2016
10:00 P.M.
Lauren
Three days had passed since I had left Camila with a feeble explanation for my behavior. I wasn't technically lying; I knew that it had been a drunken mistake. However, I would have been lying if I had said that it didn't cause anything in me, just like it had in Camila. It was honestly a toss up to see who would have the breakdown first, though no one would ever know that. I was just glad that it hadn't been me; that would have made it real.
Like I had told Camila before, I had to keep it together, not just for her and for everyone around me, but for myself, too. If I allowed myself to even start to think about what that kiss had meant, then the cycle would start all over and I would lose my shit again. I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't. So, if the alternative was Camila thinking that I didn't care, then I would take it. It seemed like the less destructive path, especially when I thought about Lucy.
"Hola, hermosa (Hey, gorgeous)."
Speak of the devil. I took a break from removing my makeup to turn and see Lucy approaching me with a wide grin. We had just finished up another show, this time in Houston, Texas. Luckily, Lucy was able to join us for Labor Day weekend since she lived only one state away and had a short break from school. She weaved her way through the mix of our family members and crew to get to me.
"Hey." I returned somewhat seductively.
"You need any help getting out of that burdensome tour costume?" she purred into my ear as she leaned on the back of my dressing room chair.
"Vives, control yourself. We're not exactly in private."
"Oh, please. As if they don't know."
"It's not about them knowing. It's about not being obnoxious with PDA."
"You didn't seem to care earlier when you were shaking your moneymaker up there for me."
I smiled slyly because I knew exactly what she was talking about. Lucy hadn't been able to watch any of our recent shows from the audience until that night, so the second I spotted her during 'Big Bad Wolf', I decided to...dedicate the dance to her, if you will.
"That was purely looking and no touching." I teased.
"Only because I physically couldn't reach you. Because God, if I could have..."
Instead of finishing that sentence, Lucy leaned down and bit my ear, the two of us staring each other down in the mirror in front of us. I bit my lip in an attempt to contain myself and immediately spun the chair around to face her.
"Save it for later, babe." I whispered.
"Oh, I will. Thank God we get hotel time instead of that stuffy bus of yours." she responded.
"Hey, it's not that bad. We've definitely had worse."
"Whatever.", Lucy said as she leaned in close to reach my ear again, "A measly curtain wouldn't be enough to block out your moans."
"Fuck, Lucy, I—"
I stopped in my tracks when I looked past Lucy to see none other than Camila staring us down from across the room. The second I made eye contact with the brown eyed girl she shifted her gaze back to Ashlee, our guitarist and gave her a weak smile in an attempt to pretend that she was listening. I sighed and spun the chair around again without warning, causing Lucy to take a step back.
"Woah, are you trying to kill me?" she joked.
"Just trying to deter you. Let me just take my makeup off, alright?" I answered, suddenly extremely anxious.
I could feel Lucy staring at my reflection in the mirror, although I wasn't looking back at her. I was watching the makeup come off of my face as I wiped it away, revealing the fragile girl underneath.
"She was watching, wasn't she?" Lucy asked, reading my mind like she always did.
"How'd you guess?" I mumbled sarcastically.
"Lauren, I think enough time has passed, don't you? It's been like two months. She's going to have to get used to this while she's still here."
"Weren't you the one that said we should spare her feelings?"
"Yeah, but, again, that was two months ago. I just want to be able to show my girlfriend some affection without having her freak out on me because of her psycho ex."
"She's not psycho. That's not—"
I looked up to see Lucy's reflection raising a suspicious eyebrow at me, waiting for me to elaborate. Of course, I couldn't tell her that Camila's staring was bothering me for a different reason. I still hadn't told Lucy about the kiss, although I hadn't exactly had the chance to yet. I wanted to bring it up that night, but how could I ruin our first night together in weeks with something so trivial? I decided that I would wait just a bit longer.
"I mean, we just have to be sensitive to her, alright? Remember, she and I are friends again." I defended myself.
"Yeah, yeah. Well, I missed you and I'm not holding an ounce of that back once we get to the hotel. Mark my words, mi amor."
With that, Lucy planted a quick kiss on my cheek before announcing that she was going to the bathroom and disappearing from my the scope of my mirror. Once she had gone, I could see Camila's reflection in the background, laughing and talking with Ashlee.
I was happy that Camila had made a new friend in our guitarist. Ashlee was incredibly sweet and super cool, and I believed that she was playing a huge part in keeping Camila stable throughout this whole process...but I always wondered just how much she had told Ashlee, if she had told her anything at all, about us. I wasn't sure why I even cared, but the question plagued my mind every time I saw the two of them hanging out.
I returned my attention back to the mirror and tried to focus on just enjoying the time that Lucy and I had together. I couldn't wait to get that makeup off.
................................................................
September 8th, 2016
10:00 P.M.
Camila
This time, it was Lauren's turn to break down in the middle of a show. Lauren hadn't left halfway through like I had, but instead she cried right there on stage and had the fans sing some of her parts. I admired her bravery. I knew that I was going to try and comfort her just like she had done for me in St. Louis, so, the second the show was over, I pulled her aside before she could get to the dressing room.
"Camila, I don't think I want to talk right now." were the first words that escaped her mouth once we were alone in a small alcove backstage.
"I just want to help." I offered.
"You can't. If anything, you might make it worse."
"What's wrong? Are you sad that Lucy's gone?"
"I'm not talking to you about her."
"Lauren, come on. If we're really transitioning to friendship then we have to be able to talk about this stuff."
"I told her, alright?"
"You told...oh."
"Yeah, oh."
"Um...I take it it didn't go so well?"
"What do you think?"
"Well, what'd she say? You told her that it was nothing, right?"
"She didn't exactly care..."
................................................................
September 7th, 2016
8:00 A.M.
Lauren
"So, this is goodbye." Lucy sighed, her thumbs stroking the backs of my hands.
"Yeah, for now." I returned, pulling one of her hands to my lips to kiss her knuckle.
Lucy had spent the last two nights with us in Texas, but we were headed to Phoenix, Arizona now, and she couldn't follow. I had managed to spend both days putting off talking about Camila and I's kiss, but I knew that it was now or never. She had a flight to catch, and I had a tour bus to ride.
"Babe, I have to tell you something." I began.
"Tell me anything, mi amor." she said, interlacing her fingers with mine.
"Promise me you'll listen to me all the way through before you react?"
"I promise."
"Ok.", I cleared my throat, "So, um...the other night we had the VMA's."
"I recall."
"The VMA's provided a lot of champagne for us...specifically for Camila and me."
Lucy's eyes narrowed and her grips on my fingers loosened slightly.
"So, uh, well by the time Camila and I got back to the hotel we were still pretty trashed and we had a few more drinks and well...circumstances put us in a position where we..."
"Lauren—"
"You promised to hear me out."
"Then spit it out."
"We kissed."
"Just kissed?" Lucy asked as she let go of my hands.
"Just kissed. For literally like two seconds. It wasn't a big deal at all and we didn't talk about what it would mean or anything because it meant nothing. I swear. We were drunk as fuck and it was stupid."
"Since when does Camila get that drunk?"
"It was a special occasion. We were celebrating."
"So, you were alone at the hotel with her having after-after party drinks?"
"Yes, but just as friends. I swear, nothing even remotely weird had happened the entire night. I still don't even know how the hell the kiss happened."
"Yeah, it just happened."
"Fuck, you're pissed."
"No, I'm ecstatic."
"You promised you'd—"
"I kept my promise. I listened to you and now I'm reacting. What did you expect?"
"No, I get why you're mad I just want to make sure you understand that it literally meant nothing. For fucks sake, I barely even remember it."
"Lauren, it's always the same fucking thing with you. You expect me to just be ok with the fact that you could fall into bed with Camila at any given moment? I can't compete with her anymore. I won't."
"No ones falling into bed with anyone! I told you, it was—"
"Nothing. Yeah, I get it. I just need time to—"
"Lucy, don't leave me." I pleaded, desperately grabbing her hands again, "I love you. I love you so fucking much. Please don't leave me. This will never ever ever happen again. I promise."
"Verga (Fuck), Lauren, I'm not leaving you. At least not yet. I just need time to process this." she answered, releasing her hands from my grip.
"Just know that it was a complete and total mistake. People make mistakes, right? This was my biggest one yet."
"Spare me the theatrics, Lauren. Just give me space, for now."
"Lucy...", I spoke softly, leaning in closer to her to grab her face, "I love you."
She stared back at me for what seemed like an eternity, sounds of hotel carts and cars and busboys polluting the background.
"I have a plane to catch." was all she said back.
................................................................
September 8th, 2016
10:10 P.M.
Camila
"So that's why you were so quiet during the ride here yesterday." I concluded.
"Yeah." she answered simply, looking down at her feet.
"Well...she just said she needs space right now, right? She didn't say it was over."
"Might as well be. She said she can't compete with you anymore."
With that, Lauren slowly looked up to meet my gaze. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Was she implying that it was even a competition? No, Lauren and I were done. We had been for months now and nothing was going to change that.
"I'm not competing." I contested.
"I know. It's not a competition. She doesn't seem to get that." she said forcefully.
I didn't blame Lucy. It was honestly a difficult concept to grasp. With Lauren constantly going back and forth between the two of us, how were we supposed to know when the games were over and when they would begin again? I wanted to believe that Lauren and I were completely done, but then what was that kiss about? In my opinion, it didn't matter how drunk we were or how long it lasted. It still happened. Moreover, we had put ourselves in the position to allow it to happen. I was ready to let it go because Lauren insisted, but I wasn't going to disregard that it happened no matter how badly she wanted to.
"Well, I'm sure she'll come around. Just be patient. You and Lucy are bigger than one little mistake." I forced myself to say.
"I hope so." she sighed.
I reached forward and gave Lauren's arm a tender squeeze of reassurance. She flashed me a sad smile along with a light shrug and then I released my grip. Just as I started to turn to walk to the dressing room, Lauren grabbed my wrist and forced me to face her again. Without warning, she pulled me into a tight hug, her arms wrapping themselves over my shoulders and around my upper back.
"Thank you." she whispered, her voice a bit unstable.
I returned the gesture, enveloping her torso and pulling her closer to me until there was no space between us. Oddly enough, this was the first time we had actually hugged like this since we had broken up. Not even the Waffle House night or the VMA's brought about this sort of affection.
I hadn't realize how much I had missed it; not even in a romantic way, but simply in a warm and comforting way. This girl used to be my best friend, outside of everything else. She used to be my home away from home, my rock. Until that hug, I had forgotten all of that. She had been a stranger. It was so nice to see a piece of her again.