PART 1
June 3rd, 2016
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June 4th, 2016
10:00 A.M.
Camila
After a long day of brooding and tears, my mom and I finally hopped on a plane out to California to meet the rest of the girls. Bringing my mom along everywhere wasn't even a question anymore. It was just difficult now that she knew about Lauren. She tried to ask me what had happened when she found me sobbing in my bedroom, but the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. I just wanted to try and recover.
So, instead, being the incredible woman that she is, she simply held me and told me that everything was going to be alright; and I knew it was. My heart simply didn't know it yet. It was angry with me for putting it in so much pain, but, like a caring mother, I foresaw what was best for it even though it couldn't see it yet. It didn't understand.
My mom and I arrived late at night on the third and went straight to our room, not wishing to bother anyone or ourselves with the announcement that we were back and I was ready to do my job. I could hold it together for a performance, an interview, an appearance. Then, I would simply return to the hotel and let it all out all over again, until I couldn't anymore. That was my new plan. It was all that I could do for now.
The next morning, I was making my way down to the lobby for breakfast when I ran into the first person from our team. Literally.
"Ow!" we both released simultaneously as I dropped my phone on the ground.
We both bent down to pick it up and ended up knocking heads only to have both of us fall down to the floor along with the small device. Finally, I looked up and met those green eyes that I had impossibly missed after only 24 hours of separation.
"Are you ok?" she asked as she rubbed her head where it had hit mine.
Suddenly, my mind was going a mile a minute, racing back in time to when I first really met Lauren during those X Factor days, when I barreled into the girl in the cafeteria at boot camp, when my clumsiness became my favorite quality. I wondered how many more times in my life I would crash into Lauren like this.
I found a strong sense of irony in the fact that I was starting this new chapter of my life in practically the same way I had started the last. I guess the universe just wanted me to cause Lauren pain, even in the most trivial way.
"Sorry." I chuckled lightly, reaching up to stroke my own forming bruise as well.
Lauren smiled sweetly and grabbed my phone which sat in between us, holding it out to me as she helped both of us stand up together. I took the phone from her once we were standing up straight and looked into her eyes, unsure of what to say first. The green orbs were the same as they had been, focused and kind, but there was something new about them now. There was an invisible energy there that I didn't quite recognize or understand, but definitely felt.
"Thanks." I finally said, referring to her picking up my phone.
"Of course. You heading to breakfast?" she asked with a smile.
"Yeah. Are you leaving?"
"Well, I came down here alone because God knows every gets up early as fuck here and already ate, but then I realized I forgot my book so I was going to go get it and come back down...but I can just sit with you now, right?"
"The book you posted about yesterday?"
"Yeah! Camila, it's...wait, do you want to get food and then we can talk? I'm starving."
"Um, well...I don't know. I was just going to get some stuff really quick and take it back up to the room. My mom's waiting."
That was half a lie. My mom had already eaten, but I actually had planned on taking my food to my room. Less time in public meant more time that I was able to look and act like the total wreck that I was. Plus, I definitely couldn't take sitting alone with just Lauren. Why did she seem so chipper?
"Oh. Alright. Well, when you get the chance I'd love to catch up. Are you feeling better?" She responded, a bit of the energetic air taken out of her.
Lauren and I both knew that me coming out to California a day late was not the result of me actually being sick; well, not physically, at least. Was she really expecting me to talk about this with her? Better yet, her eagerness to want to talk to me at all was puzzling me. She seemed so...unaffected.
"Lauren...why are you in such a good mood?" I finally asked.
"That's what I want to talk to you about!" she beamed.
"I'm sorry I just...I'm not exactly in a talking mood given recent events." I huffed, trying to convey that she should be feeling as down as I was.
She winced slightly at the sound of my statement, but kept that grin plastered on her face nonetheless.
"Well, when you're up to talking, let me know.", she ignored my implication, "I'm really glad you're back, though. Go see Dinah. She misses you."
"Ok." I answered simply.
"Oh, by the way, I think someone knows you're back because all of the bananas are gone. I think they're hiding them from you."
"Or maybe I took them all in the dead of night."
"I should've guessed that would be the first thing you'd do."
"You'd be a terrible investigator."
"I just solved the mystery, didn't I?"
Both of us laughed lightly, the blended sound one of the most wonderful things I had come to known in my lifetime. As usual, I wasn't sure how she had managed to do it, but I was smiling again.
"Have a good breakfast." she sang, placing a hand on my shoulder as she walked past me.
My heart would never understand.
(^Camila's snapchat June 4th, 2016)
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June 4th, 2016
1:00 P.M.
Lauren
"MANIIIIIII!!" I yelled as banged on the girl's hotel room door.
The door finally swung open but instead of finding Normani there, I was left facing Normani's mom who had a stunned expression on her face.
"Goodness, child, are you trying to break the door down?" she greeted me.
"Sorry, mama.", I giggled, "Just wanted to make as annoying an entrance as possible since your daughter is abandoning us tonight."
"And I have to pay for that, too?"
"I'm not abandoning you, jerk, I'm sick!" Normani's voice appeared from further inside the room.
Normani's mother and I laughed as she let me into the room and closed the door behind us. I made my way towards one of the beds and found Normani bundled up in the covers, her head the only visible part of her body. I pouted playfully at her when our eyes locked.
"Is baby Mani feeling under the weather?" I asked in my baby voice as I approached her.
"Why are you so annoying?" she chuckled.
"Would an annoying person bring you soup from downstairs?"
I brought the lidded bowl that I had been concealing at my side into view and presented it to the sick girl in front of me with a smile.
"Oh boy. Hotel soup. Just what I wanted." she replied sarcastically.
"Bitch, be grateful." I warned as I slapped her leg through the sheets before sitting down on the bed.
"I'm kidding!", Normani giggled as she sat up a bit to take the bowl from my hands, "That's actually really sweet. Thanks Lo."
"Uh uh.", Normani's mom chimed in, taking the bowl away from her daughter, "You're not eating that in bed."
"Why not?" Normani protested.
"It's too messy! You'll spill it all over yourself!"
"You have no faith in me."
"I'll spoon feed her." I offered with a chuckle.
"If anyone's eating, it'll be over there on a hard surface." Normani's mom replied as she pointed to the nearest desk.
Normani huffed as she slumped back down into her bed. Her mother disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the two of us alone momentarily.
"You really can't move 10 feet to eat some delicious soup?" I pressed.
"I could technically but I won't. Not now. Thanks, though." she sighed.
"You must really be dead. I know it takes a lot for you to miss a show."
"Yeah, I am. It feels like my head is going to explode."
"I'm sorry, babe. Can I do anything else?"
"Dance your butt off for me tonight."
"You know I always do. But if you're expecting me to be half as good as you then I make zero promises."
"Whatever. Your Cuban booty looks great up there and you know it."
"I do know it."
Both of us laughed which soon turned into a small coughing fit for Normani. I watched her with a sad smile as I stroked her knee.
"How's Camila feeling? I texted her but I haven't actually seen her." she asked after her coughs had finally died down.
"She's good. So luckily we won't be Third Harmony today.", I answered with a smile, "Oh god, we'd be so fucked if two of us ever got sick."
"Well good thing that's not the case. Hey, Lo?"
"Yeah?"
"You seem extra...bubbly today."
"Do I?"
"Yeah. I mean, when you first got in yesterday you looked and acted like you just got hit by a truck but since the album signing you've been...I don't know...different."
"It was a fun album signing."
"That doesn't usually carry over to the next day."
"I'm a little offended that you're questioning my happiness."
"No don't be! It's just...did something happen with Camila?"
"Ok and now I'm offended that you're implying all of my happiness depends on Camila."
"I'm not!"
"Mani, relax. I'm not actually mad.", I giggled, "Your observations are just funny, that's all."
"Funny?" she raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, because I get it now. Everything's funnier when you understand it."
Normani sat up again and grabbed my chin, pulling me closer to her so that she could inspect my eyes.
"Are you high?" she asked in a whisper after surveying my pupil size.
"A tad." I giggled.
Normani looked around nervously, clearly worried that her mom would step out of the bathroom any minute.
"Why aren't your pupils huge like they usually are?" she whispered.
"Started using eye drops." I said smugly.
"Lauren, what the heck? Where'd you even get that shit?"
"I've had it for a while. I just forgot about it."
"And you remembered now because...?"
"I don't know. I felt like it."
"Did something else happen with Camila?"
"Why do you feel the need to bring her up all the time?"
"Because I know the effect she can have on you, girl. Is this going to be your solution to getting over her now?"
"Mani, you don't understand. This makes me happy."
"Lauren."
"Not like that. I'm not going to be an addict or some shit. I just don't care anymore, that's my point. Ok, I'm really fucking up this explanation right now."
"Yeah, I'm lost."
"Ok, Mani, do you know what I did yesterday? I watched a million people respond to what I posted online about the book I read. A fucking woke book that everyone needs to read at least once in their life. I watched a million of our fans tell me that they were going to read it and it felt so good, Mani. I felt so alive. I felt worth something. I felt like I was finally sharing some of my passion with the world and shedding some light on a topic that I think people should pay attention to. My focus was where it should have been ages ago, for once. It wasn't on Camila. That's why I find you pointing every single thing I say and do at Camila funny; because it makes sense. That's how I've been the past fucking four years. I've been stuck on her, I've been hiding the part of my heart and brain from the world that I should've shared ages ago. And--"
I was interrupted by the sound of the toilet flushing in the bathroom, causing me to lower my voice to get my final words out.
"And smoking helps me unlock that even more. It relaxes me. It puts me in a state where I'm able to focus solely on what I should be. It's not permanent and I'm not dependent, but, for now, it's happening. I need you to know that I'm going to be ok. In fact, I'm going to be better than ok. Just wait, Mani. I'm becoming reacquainted with myself and it's fucking amazing."
Normani's mother finally came out of the bathroom just as her daughter shot me a sympathetic smile.
"I'm happy for you, Lo. Just be careful." she whispered while placing a hand on top of mine on the bed.
"You be careful, sicky." I returned as I squeezed her hand and stood up.
"Everything alright, girls?" Normani's mother asked us.
"Never better. Make sure Mani eats her soup, ok mama?" I answered, making my way towards the door in the process.
"That's up to her if she wants to get her butt out of bed or not."
"There's no mercy here." Normani sighed.
I laughed as I disappeared into the hallway, saying my goodbyes to both of them. As soon as I looked to my left, I saw Camila walking down the hall towards me. I debated trying to talk to her again, as I had done that morning, but soon replayed everything I had said to Normani in my head. Why did I care? Why should I continue to seek her validation and update her on my status? She clearly didn't want to hear it. Plus, we both knew that my smoking made her uncomfortable anyway.
Instead, I flashed the girl a kind smile accompanied by a small wave as I passed by her without a word. She returned the gesture, but I could tell she was a bit puzzled by my silence. For once in my life, I had fought the urge to explain myself to the brown eyed girl; and it was so liberating.
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June 13th, 2016
4:00 A.M.
Lauren
The two of us burst into her room, laughing our asses off for what I'm sure was an idiotic reason. I couldn't smell anything but the overpowering scent of alcohol coming from both of our bodies.
"Verga, parece que no vamos a dormir esta noche (Fuck, it looks like we're not sleeping tonight)." Lucy giggled as she closed the door behind us.
"Y para que? Quien necesita dormir (For what? Who needs sleep)?" I responded in my native tongue.
After a week of random summer jam performances in the United States, I decided to visit Lucy in Puerto Rico for a weekend, seeing as we finally got a short break. The Colombian girl was ecstatic to be back in her hometown for a magazine photo shoot and I was even more ecstatic to be able to go and support her, just like she had supported me for our album release in London.
Aside from supporting her, I was also super pumped to tell her that her words had actually gotten through to me and that I was following her advice, trying to find myself again. She hadn't exactly believed that I was truly done with Camila, but she had told me that she could tell I was different already. She could sense my old energy coming back.
I had had some rough moments whenever I was left alone in my hotel room for too long, but, for the most part, we had been so busy with shows that I barely even had time to think about my final breakup with the brown eyed girl.
Plus, I was distracting myself with aspects of the world which I wished I had been paying more attention to before, including the 2016 Presidential Election, the rape case at Stanford University, rediscovering my love for art, and so many other things that just made me come to life. I was so ready to explore the person that I wanted to be and to remember what it felt like to be passionate about something other than another human being.
I wasn't sure how Camila was handling it all, but I had to force myself not to care. In fact, whenever I started to worry about her and debated talking to her, I turned to smoking. It relaxed me and it helped me to just focus on a singular thing in front of me rather than letting my mind wander to the brown eyed girl. I knew that it wasn't the best solution, but, like I had told Normani, it was just temporary. And it was working.
"Tú, mi amor. Tienes que regresarte mañana (You, my love. You need to go back tomorrow)." Lucy answered my sarcastic question.
"Do I? What are they going to do to me?" I giggled, switching us back to English.
"Do you really want to find out?"
"It'd be interesting to see."
"You think it's worth the risk?"
"Yeah. I don't want to leave you." I answered in my baby voice as I approached Lucy for a hug.
I wrapped my arms around her torso and she quickly reciprocated, both of us laughing uncontrollably as we did so (again, for no apparent reason). Just as I began nuzzling into her neck, the two of us lost our balance and went flying onto the bed behind Lucy, causing our laughter to escalate even more.
I propped myself up so that I was hovering over her, only just then noticing that our legs were intertwined and our faces were mere inches apart. She seemed to notice our sudden intimacy just as I did, and I watched the smile slowly fading from her face as she stared up at me.
We studied each other for a few seconds, as if we were suddenly seeing each other for the first time. Gradually, Lucy's smile began to appear again, this time more mischievous. Without warning, her head shot up and she ran her tongue along my cheek, licking slowly until she reached my ear, where she then placed a quick kiss before slamming back down onto the bed into a laughing fit.
Her giggle was infectious and I soon found myself laughing again as I let my body fall onto her completely, my head nuzzling into her neck once more. I felt her warm hand snake its way under my shirt, scratching lightly at the skin on my back as she made her way up my body.
"Mmmm.", I mumbled into her skin, "That feels so good."
"Yeah?" she asked excitedly.
"Mhm."
With that, her other hand followed suit and made its way under the fabric of my shirt as well. She began a steady rhythm with her nails, soothing me as I began to stroke her sides in return. My fingers soon found the hem of her shirt and made their way underneath the loose cloth.
Almost instinctively, I started planting light kisses onto her neck, seeing as my lips were already buried into it anyway. I was truly letting the alcohol take over when I found myself starting to suck on the soft skin. I felt Lucy twitch a bit beneath me and noted that her scratches were starting to get more rough, covering more of my back as they increased their intensity. I wasn't sure which one of us had initiated it, but I soon became aware of the fact that our hips were slowly grinding into each others'. When my right thumb traveled upward and grazed the bottom of Lucy's breast, she released a soft grunt and stopped her movements on my back.
"Lauren." she let out in a breathy moan.
"Hmm?" I mumbled between kisses as my thumb traced the bottom curve of her breast.
"We should try and get some sleep."
"I thought we weren't sleeping." I smirked, pulling away to look her in the eyes.
I immediately regretted doing so. My smirk slowly faded as I took in the sight of the Colombian girl underneath me. Lucy's eyes had taken on a darker shade, appearing almost black in the dim light of her bedroom. I hadn't even really been aware of what I was doing to her until I saw how flushed her cheeks were, how heavy her breaths had become.
I tended to be overly affectionate when I was drunk, but this was wrong. I was still heartbroken over Camila, although I was burying it well, and plus, it was Lucy. We were supposed to be working on rekindling our friendship, not jumping each others' bones the second we got a chance. I couldn't do that to her.
"I think we should." she finally whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear as she did so.
I wasn't exactly sure what she was referring to, and that terrified me.
"Should what?" I whispered in return.
"Get some sleep." she clarified.
"Yeah!", I breathed out a little too enthusiastically, "Yeah, we should do that."
I removed myself from Lucy's small body, breathing a sigh of relief as I stood up and straightened out my shirt. She propped herself up on her elbows to look at me, her signature smirk now plastered across her face.
"What?" I asked her as she continued to stare at me.
"You're cute when you panic." she stated casually.
"Yeah? Well, you're cute when you're horny." I returned smugly.
"You don't know what I desire." she said as she stood up to stand in front of me.
"I think I can take a good guess."
"I think you're presumptuous."
"I think presuming is fair when there's proper evidence."
"Is that what you tell the Camren shippers?"
My jaw dropped as a result of her brash, drunken comment.
"Fuck you." I scoffed.
"I'm sorry.", she giggled as she grabbed my forearms, "I'm sorry. I'm kidding."
"Yeah, whatever.", I grinned, ripping my arms away from her grip, "Goodnight, Vives."
I made my way past her to get to my suitcase, ready to turn in before another threat appeared. As I was fishing for my big t-shirt, I caught a flash of Lucy's skin out of the corner of my eye, causing me to glance in her direction. She had completely removed her shirt and was walking across the room bare chested.
"Will we be able to sleep in the same bed or are you going to try and feel me up?" she teased when she caught me staring at her.
"I'm more worried about what you'll do to me." I countered.
"I wasn't the one sucking on your fucking neck. Jesus, Lauren."
"You started it with your dumbass back scratching!"
"Back scratching? Please. My fucking mother scratches my back. It doesn't have to turn into porn."
"Your mother isn't as sexy as you are."
"That's rude."
"I'm drunk."
"Same."
We both giggled again before Lucy moved to her drawer to pull out her sleep shirt. I finally returned to my own task and soon we were both ready to finally try and get some sleep. Once the two of us had reached the bed again, Lucy regained my attention.
"Lauren, let's not fuck this up, ok?" she spoke more seriously than she had the entire night.
"Fuck what up?" I asked as I made my way under the covers.
"Us. We're drunk and yeah, I'm horny, but that's not why I invited you here. I'm really glad you're taking steps to be you again and I don't want to fuck that up. That's the most important thing right now."
"I was right. You are horny." I giggled as I watched her join me in the bed.
"Can you be serious for a second?" she laughed as she smacked me with a pillow.
"Right now? Not entirely. Also, why were pillow fights ever invented? I swear, this society has to make even the cuddliest of things into war."
"Yo, pillows may be cuddly but I've seen some serious pillow fight injuries in my day."
"Holy shit, you're right.", I laughed, "There was this one time Camila--"
I stopped myself, realizing that I had just conjured up a memory with the brown eyed girl, something I had tried so hard to avoid doing the past week and a half.
"Uh uh. No Camila thoughts. Go to sleep." Lucy instructed.
"Can we cuddle?" I asked, scooting closer to the blurred image of Lucy in front of me.
"No. Didn't you listen to me at all?"
"Not like that. Let's just pretend we're six years old again and nothing matters. Let's pretend you don't know what horny is yet." I explained as I started to pull her closer to me.
"Oh my--Lauren, stop." she commanded as she gently pushed me away.
"Please?", I asked, intertwining my fingers with hers, "I just want to hold you and I want you to hold me. Like we're kids again. Like the world's not so fucked up. Like I'm not so fucked up."
Lucy stared into my eyes in absolute silence. We stayed like that, fingers interlaced and eyes locked, for a full minute of deliberation.
"Fine. If you fucking try anything, I'll kill you." she warned.
I smiled at her words, loving just how Lucy-like they sounded coming from her mouth. I released my hand from hers and placed it on her hip, pushing lightly at her.
"Turn around. I'm big spoon." I whispered in my baby voice.
"I hate you." she sighed as she turned her body away from mine.
"No you don't.", I said, wrapping my arm around her and connecting my body with hers, "Oh, and guess what?"
"What?"
"We're not going to fuck it up. I heard you. I love you. And thank you."
"Thank you?"
"For a lot of shit, babe. A lot of shit."
"Do you care to elaborate?"
I didn't. I simply shut my eyes and allowed myself to get lost in Lucy's sweet scent, relishing in the familiarity, the safety of it all. Yes, there was an undeniable chemistry between us, but, even when I had been kissing her neck, I was solely trying to show her how much I cared about her and appreciated her as a human being. The drunkenness had simply taken that affection to another level.
I wasn't lying to her: we weren't going to fuck it up. I was done hurting people and I was done getting hurt. I was ready to find myself, to grow into the woman who I wanted to be, and to finally leave Camila behind. Yet, as I laid there next to Lucy, those intoxicating brown eyes were still all that I could think of.
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June 15th, 2016
6:00 P.M.
Camila
It seemed as though Lauren and I were back to communicating primarily through social media. The strangest part about it, though, was that she was being extremely nice to me when she actually did talk to me. She wasn't acting awkward or rude or even sad; she was happy. She seemed so incredibly at peace that it actually pissed me off a little bit.
I obviously wanted her to grow into herself and be happy with herself like we had talked about, but did she have to do it so quickly? While I was still crying my ass off every single night? I found it even stranger since she had seemed so eager to talk to me the day after our breakup. I was killing myself trying to figure out what had changed or if I had done something to make her want to separate herself from me even further. Then again, she had said that I should be the one to let her know when I was ready to talk. Maybe I could just suck it up and open up the lines of communication first...
But my pride wouldn't let me. I wouldn't let myself go crawling to her when she seemed perfectly fine without me. Instead, I did what typical heartbroken, jealous Camila did. I didn't have any new bikini pictures to post this time around like I had over our winter break but I did have the sheer power of Twitter. I immediately remembered the last thing that had made her jealous and I was ready to bring it out again.
Lauren had gotten upset from me simply taking a picture with him at the BBMA's, so I knew that if she saw that interaction she would be a bit uneasy.
God, I was such a bitch. I hated myself. I hated the fact that I felt the need to make her feel as shitty as I did. Why couldn't I just let her be happy? Apparently I had been taking happiness from her for years without either of us even realizing it.
I hated myself, but I couldn't help my insecurities. I couldn't help the way I acted out when it came to Lauren. To make matters worse, I spent the rest of the night actively wondering what was going on between Lucy and her. I knew that she had gone to visit her over the weekend, but obviously was in no position to ask about it.
My mom tried to comfort me multiple times throughout the night, but eventually realized that I simply needed space. By the time 11:00 P.M. rolled around, she was sound asleep and I was left alone to wade in my misery. Just when I was about to open up Garageband and mess around with some melodies, my phone screen lit up.
L: Halllooooo I have something I think you might want😏
L: Also I was going to ask if you're awake but like ik you are
L: So answer because I'm actually tired and may pass out soon
Her first text caused multiple heart palpitations inside of me. What could she possibly have for me?
C: What do you have??
L: Record timing on the response
L: Maybe I should tell you I have presents for you more often
C: Presents?
L: Well they're not from me
L: *It's not
L: It's a package from a fan it got to us after you left rehearsal😊
C: Okkkk so why do you have it and why'd you wait so long to tell me?
L: Dinah Ally and Mani wanted to get some froyo but I felt like coming back so I took it with me
L: Then proceeded to set it down on my desk and forget about it until now lolll
L: But luckily you're up until unholy hours anyway
C: Ok well thanks!
L: So like do you want it? Lol
C: Yeah but my mom's asleep I don't want to wake her
C: I can just get it tomorrow it's cool
L: Okkkk🤗 sweet dreams💕
C: I'm a little surprised you're going to bed so early tbh
L: Rehearsals are kicking my ass plus idk I'm just kind of done with the day
Done with the day? What exactly did that mean?
C: Any reason in particular?
L: Nm just social media's a bitch as always lol
L: Anywayyyy goodnighttt
L: Try not to be too dead for the TMG thing tomorrow ok?
L: Byeee😊😊
C: Night❤️
From the outside looking in, the conversation probably seemed pretty uneventful, but, to me, there was so much significance in her words. She had acknowledged social media being a bitch and the first thing that popped into my head was that she had seen the interactions between Nick and I. Maybe I was being egocentric, but I wanted to believe that that's what had caused her to want to turn in so early. I wanted to believe that I had won even this tiny victory, as spiteful and horrible as it was.
However, I still felt like shit. I knew that no matter how many things I posted or how upset Lauren ever got, I would still be heartbroken and I would still be left wondering what was really on her mind. It was slowly destroying me. Why couldn't she just go through this hardship with me? Why did she always have to be the one who seemed fine every time we ended things?
I was sick of feeling so alone in all of it. It always seemed like all I had was my music. My mother was extremely comforting and wonderful, of course, but I couldn't fully pour my heart and soul out to her. I knew that the entire thing with Lauren still made her a bit uncomfortable. She still invalidated it, made it seem like I was being dramatic for being so upset over it even though she didn't explicitly say it or mean to. I knew what she thought about it. I saw the way she looked at me. I loved her and I knew she loved me, but the barrier there was unavoidable. I was alone, as always.
So, of course, that meant that it was time to make some music.