Author's Note : Do play the song I attached with this chapter above.
New's
The journey home tonight was kind of quiet between me and him. Not that the whole fanmeet was no fun, but I think it was because of the that one question that, we never really think about in these many years we have endured together.
From the obvious awkwardness, to this very clear need of each other. I just never think of it. At all. Because for once I think, we just got too comfortable with the idea that it will always be okay, that's the problem with perception, that home is forever, him too.
Just like how delusional we sometime get, that our mother will always be there, waiting that every turn we make when we fuck something up. That welcoming hugs and tear wiping fingers, that it will always be there.
"What will happen if you don't have each other?"
That very question during that fanmeet we both had just kind of took me down to somewhere I can't tell myself. There I was, on stage, answering that question, with the very cliche things to say, because Tay didn't say anything.
But it wasn't entirely a lie. What said was, a partial truth.
What we have, have no expiry date, and it is a scary thing. Unpredictable thing is always scary and for once, I found myself in deep thoughts about thing I often told Tay to dismiss.
Worry about the thing you have control over, not the other one. Yet here I am, worried sick, overthinking, did I offend him? By being rather confident with my answer, almost like I've prepared for it. In all similarity, to what seemed, wanted.
But unlike him, I've learned of letting go, I just got too good with goodbyes.
Is that what you really want New? Of Tawan with a goodbye?
No. No. Just no. I don't think I can handle it. No. Please, no.
I reach for my phone, tap on my LINE and of course Tay's chat is there at the top. I tap on his profile picture and his profile picture pops up, bigger than the small thumbnail as often shown on the top right. I look at his teethy smile, how can he look so gentle? Tender almost. Unknowingly I smile too.
The sound of the notification notifying me that a text just received, a double click, and this very person's name appears in the notification banner, "Asleep?"
I read the text, taking my seconds to reply because obviously I can't avoid replying anymore, not after I read the text because he knows I read it. For the first time, I'm scared.
Not long after, he videocalls me, perhaps due to me not replying him even after read.
"Wadee khab Tay.", after I tab the answer icon popped on my screen, weakly. Should I pretend that I'm sleepy?
"No reply after read?", he asks me. Seems like he just washed his face and settled. He doesn't usually look that pale. So, you can pretty much tell how when he looks fresh and not so fresh? Hahaha. I can't find any bad word to describe him when I'm talking to myself like this.
"I was just thinking of what to reply na.", I tell him simply. Not looking into the screen, looking around at anything in my room that can be an excuse for me to tell him I'm busy with something. But, I just can't.
So here we are ended up talking to each other about stupid things and not so stupid things, about his trips soon, about ideas how I can spend my time when he's not around, about the massage spa we opened, which is making good, how we speculated that people went there not for the massage but because they are our fans.
I just don't want to talk about that fanmeet.
"Something troubling you?", he asks me suddenly.
"No khab."
"Ter, it's not like I can't tell when and when something bothers you. You just zoned out.", how the hell is this guy basically described my habit? Did he write a programme coding for my behavior? Hahahaha.
"Really, it's nothing.", I hope he will move on from worrying. "Go play your ROV or something."
"Ter better be telling me!", that's it. His finger is there, pointing at me, he even does this when we are miles away. Let me brief you on what that finger pointing means, that means you can't bargain. Just don't or else you'll be listening to a sermont. Or him be bugging you about it for days.
I surrender, well majorly because of the idea and as well as, because it is Tay Tawan that has been asking. "Yeah. The fanmeet.", I look away when I say that, mind blank, and why the hell is my heart racing.
"I meant all the words I said. Every bit of it.", it took him seconds to reply. During the seconds, we were both quiet. Dead quiet. Graveyard. Nothing. Just racing thoughts in my head, and unknown thoughts of Tay's.
"I honestly don't know what I think of you, but really, I haven't even think about not having you around me. I can't put up or envision how it would look like without you.", I don't really know what he is doing because I've been looking around except on my phone's screen. Dammit Tay. Why are you saying this.
"Can we just not talk about it?, I finally tell him. It's not that I don't want to talk about it, just the shock. I am a logical guy. I need time to solve what that question was about.
Why the hell did that MC asked us, "What will happen when you don't have each other?"
I don't know if people can tell the meaning behind what I said. It wasn't about me describing Tay being 'gone', but it was more like, me enjoying the numbered days before he, gone.
I was like Tay, unable to picture it myself, of not having him. But I was just better with words, well thought misleading answers. Sounded fitting for an answer, but truly, not even the same context.
While Tay, understood the question better.
"It's sad na. Can we just not talk about it.", pleading. Except that this time, there is no cute face I shove down his throat. Just me, pleading.
"Then you promise me, you won't be thinking about this. You said you want to appreciate every seconds remember?", this time, it is entirely different from how he was when he asked me to tell him. No pointing fingers, no anything. Just his soft voice. I try looking at him, luckily, this happen while us are miles away, just connected through a videocall.I think it will be bad if he is here for real. Come on, I cried watching sad movies. How can you expect me not to cry for this? For the thought of Tay Tawan actually gone.
"We'll make our days count. I promise. Until we get tired of each other na? Ter, look at me.", I inhale as much oxygen as I can, then I exhale courage, looking at him straight. He smiles a little.
"Whatever we are, whatever people think of us. Chan-", he points at himself. Then he points at me, "-and Ter."
And that does it. I actually pout and cry. He laughs. Muttering vague 'sorry' in between laugh, and I, scheming a way to return the favor. It is what it is. This stupid goofy sharp featured face, who smiles and laughs to the point that his gums can be seen, a cute laugh I will enjoy listening to always because it sounds sincere, never exageratted.
And me? After listening to all that, I can only do what I do well, cuss at him. Though every words said, out of endearment despite the definitions would be contrary.
Bastard Tay Tawan. Bastard.
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Tay's
Playful. If there is a word that can describe our fanmeet, that would be the one. Majorly because we behave as we are even during fanmeet, except that it is a little comtrolled. Seriously, it got to be toned down a little or hell will let loose if TayNew is allowed to behave entirely them 100 percently.
But tonight, this is the first time ever that someone asked me the thing I never thought. And just so fortunately, such question asked, during a fanmeet. For the first time ever, I can't answer the question.
I think it bothers New too. He apparently became so quiet while our drive home. No music no anything. It just that, when Sam Smith's was playing, he quickly shut the ,usic off and no music since then until he dropped me off.
Interesting enough, he didn't even call me. Like he usually did. Well, you know, I never got to sleep early. Whose to blame? Yup. Newwie Thitipoom. You guys can follow him on Instagram under the account @newwie . Hahaha
The question hit me like, nothing else. I can still handle all the questions about us 'being couple', the kissess, the whatever. Because I don't need to think of the answers. Easy answers often consist honesty and being honest does not require anything unlike telling made up lies and ass pleasing well composed answers.
I said what I wanted to said. I was unable to answer because I was unable to. I cannot even imagine the context of the question, how can I even contemplate an answer?
When I heard the question, my mind didn't work as it should, and my heart, panged. My options was clear, not to think of it. Just stop the whole thought. Don't give them the chance to speculate. There I was, telling the MC, I don't know.
That was said, with me holding in as much as I can, hoping that the topic changed, and New saved the night. I guess no one noticed how his answer was not answering the question at all. But people cheered.
I am used to Newwie Thitipoom. Used to. Accustomed to. Traditioned to. He is a part of my daily life, for years now, closer and closer, I shared my foods with him, we ate from the same plate, we talked about stupid things, we fought then we made out, we even kissed, we just,
we made memories with each other so much.
Gone? Just how? Why would I prepare myself for that? Why would I waste my time thinking of not having him? When having him, is what I want. When having him, it made me like myself better.
I immediately reach for my phone and type "Asleep?" And LINE it to him. It gets a read almost instantly. He's not typing or anything. So I wait, I wait and I wait.
Fuck it! I'll call him now.
"Wadee khab Tay.", he looks, gloomy. Maybe because it was dark in the car previously that I don't get to see his expression clearly, all I saw was the dim lit profile and silence.
I guess, he's playing that game. Not telling me what, but New, I know you.
The hour pass with the talks of my upcoming trip and this and that. Of places to eat later, the plan that our company is making, about this show where it belong to us and it involves the thing Newwie loves, eating. Our massage spa, what will us be doing tomorrow, and why is the aurora colorful.
He looks cute when he gets all scientific. But, he seems off. Zoning out once in a while, that short 'ah?' when I called his name,
That's it! Time to use my move! I'm done asking and him avoiding it, including that sheepish smile thinking that I'll back off.
"Ter better be telling me!", I have trust on you my index finger. Do your magic.
He finally admits it. The fanmeet. Specifically, that would be that question. I take my time answering, seconds, not to long.
"I meant all the words I said. Every bit of it.", I say to him. Confidently with all the Tay-ness I can muster.
So I explain myself to him, of the "I don't know". What it really means. Only to be answered by him, asking me to not talk about it. Pleading almost. Maybe I should really stop.
There is something about this New. I usually will laugh at him for crying whenever he watched a love or sad movie, but this time it feels odd. Is it because the sad pleading he just did, because it is about us. About understanding the concept where we both, gone? Damn it, now I feel sad, and him not looking at me, just what the hell is this thing in my chest? Stop pounding, churning or whatever. I feels weirdly hurtful.
I must be cool about this, cause apparently New is not. I have to be. That's what we do. When one is in trouble, another will pick him up. I have to be the one to stop him from overthinking about this. Like he always did for me. That's what we are, for each other.
I made him promise to not think of it.
I made him look at me and promise.
I remind him of things he said about the present should be appreciated.
I made him believe that we'll make the days count.
Them somehow, the scene where I acted as Pete, thinking about being separated from Kao hits me. How at that time, I wasn't acting. It was real. The idea of being made to part from each other for whatever reason, I don't like it.
As much as Pete hated the idea of being separated from Kao, so does Tay, from New.
I inhale the air and courage, exhale the truth.
"Whatever we are,", I soften my voice, "-whatever people think of us.", I look at him. I would probably just hug you New if you are here.
"Chan-", I point at myself. Then I smile, moving my finger to point at him, "-and Ter".
I guess he gets the point when he suddenly pouts. Then cry. Hahahaha. I just made the Yai Nong cried.
No, just don't ask me that question anymore. How can you ask something so cruel? Of a possibility that doesn't even deserve the courtesy of being thought upon. No, just don't.
If you still insist on how it will look like, TayNew won't be complete without New and I can't be doing TayNew with just Tay.
Because 'TayNew', sounds whole and perfect for me.
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Author's Note :
This chapter is inspired from the fanmeet where they both were asked, about how they feel if one of them gone. I was touched by their amswers. And somehow, being emtirely liguistic, I think Newwie avoided the question too. By usimg an answer that sounded like the right answer, while it was not.
'Ter' means you. 'Chan' means I. I observed that Tay really like to abuse the word Ter when he called New and I found that to be cute.
Sometime, the small things count. Not just the big things. Subtle, but significant enough. ☺️ Much love, Arn