San looks over your hands gently, turning them over in his. His fingers trace the scrapes your fall on the cobbles have left behind, and he shakes his head in disapproval.
Then he lets your hands rest on the table of the sickbay and picks up a clean cloth with tweezers, soaking it in rum before wiping your hands down with it, removing any small pieces and blood still remaining on them. Your palms sting, but it's nothing compared to the anguish in your heart.
"What happened?" San murmurs softly as he works on your wound. You remember Seonghwa had mentioned that San was a better healer of the heart than he was of any physical ailment, but the thought of Seonghwa's once cheerful, smiling face twists at your chest and lungs like a poisonous vine.
The lump in your throat refuses to go away.
"I don't know." You reply in all due honesty. Truly, till now you still don't understand what had happened to the gentle, kind-hearted cook, but you can only piece together what you have guessed from the incident earlier.
Seonghwa was afraid of the gallows.
Yunho has taught you that the brightest smiles can hide the most bitter tears, but you've never expected that the man who'd first treated you with such kindness has suffered so much.
San continues staring at you for a while. Then he finally puts down the cloth and whispers to you in a soft, secretive tone.
"Hey, look at this."
You frown in confusion, but San places a single finger on your torn skin. Closing his eyes, you see his brows furrow in concentration before a tingling feeling starts to blossom across your hand from where San's fingertip touches yours, warmth chasing the slight sting in your hand away. You feel as if you've dunked your hand in a warm bath, the heat emanating from San's finger too real to be a mere figment of your imagination.
Then it happens.
Fascination washes over you as you stare at your hand in wonderment. The bleeding slows gradually and finally stills, before you watch the skin and damaged tissue steadily knitting itself back together like a spider's web. In the end, the entire wound closes, leaving the skin of your palm a soft baby pink.
Your mouth falls open.
"Master, did you just-"
"I'll be teaching you this over the next few days. Remember, don't ever attempt this without me. It's potentially fatal if you don't know how to do it. Do your best to learn it fast." San's smile is a little sad, a little forced. Your initial excitement fades at your master's clear unease. "I get the feeling we might need it."
Your fingers brush the silver hairpin tucked securely in your belt for good luck. You don't like the sound of that.
You know what your master is implying, that there will be much conflict happening soon. But you don't like to admit that it may be coming already. You and your master sit in momentary silence, both preparing yourselves for what may be to come.
"Sanie, Chin Hae." The two of you turn to the person who's come knocking on the sickbay's door. It's Wooyoung, purple hair rumpled, rouge smeared on his clavicle and dark circles under his eyes from yesterday, but the unusually grim expression on his handsome face shows he isn't exactly reminiscing happily about night before. "Captain wants to see us in his cabin, now."
His tone gives no room for argument.
"Got it." San rises to his feet, his expression neutral. You only know that there's unease flickering in his eyes from the way his shoulders are tensed. Since you and Mingi have returned from desperately searching the town for Seonghwa, you've found out from Wooyoung, who's just arrived himself with Yeosang, that Seonghwa had dashed up the gangplank in tears, all alone and ignoring the concerned shouts of his crewmates, before locking himself up in the kitchen galley by himself.
Ever since then, Hongjoong and Yeosang, as the most level headed of the lot, have been discussing what to do about this in the captain's cabin, instructing for no one to enter while the meeting is still underway. Seonghwa might be only one person, but he means a great deal to many of the crew on board and for the whole afternoon, there has been a gloomy air settling over the ship, the deck unnaturally quiet and subdued.
Your mind has been filled with worry for the cook the entire afternoon, but then San brought you down to the sickbay to get away from the stress of it all. The initial concern and panic has worn off a little, but you can still your anxiety lingering at the back of your mind like an itch that can't be scratched.
"Is Seonghwa-hyung okay?" You ask feebly, gripping the silver hairpin tight as the three of you make your way to the captain's cabin beneath the quarterdeck. Wooyoung shrugs, mouth drawn into a thin, concerned line.
"I don't know. Yunho's with him to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, but..." His voice trails off as you stop outside the captain's cabin. Wooyoung raps sharply on the door and you hear the captain call 'come in' from inside.
San pushes the door open and the three of you crowd into the room. Captain is sitting at the desk, massaging his temples with his fingers as he indicates for Mingi to lock the door behind you three. His blonde hair is falling out of its usual mullet, mussed and uncombed, as if he hasn't had the time to do anything else this morning. You sit on the bed, sandwiched between Wooyoung and San, while Yeosang and Mingi stand around, looking equally tense and uncomfortable.
All three of them have dark rings around their eyes and grim, troubled looks on their faces. You can't believe it was barely a night before that you had been drinking together, celebrating your integration into the crew, but this is your present now.
"Chin Hae." Captain Hongjoong addresses you first and you snap to attention, back straightening as you look at your captain. His face is lined and etched with worry, so painfully obvious you almost wonder if Captain can actually feel Seonghwa's internal agony and turmoil. "Can you tell us what happened today morning after Mingi left the two of you alone?"
You nod hesitantly. It only happened this morning, so the memory is still fresh in your mind, but the image of Seonghwa's grief stricken face, how alone the two of you were and worst of all, your inability to do anything, weighs on your mind almost crushingly.
"Mingi-hyung, Seonghwa-hyung and I were shopping in the marketplace for herbs when someone bumped into me and snatched the herbs." You begin, recalling the event to your mind. "Mingi-hyung said to go around to the town square to cut the thief off, so we did, but then when we reached the town square Seonghwa-hyung saw the hanging and suddenly started panicking and I didn't know what to do and-"
Wooyoung's hand is on your shoulder before you even realise that your breathing has started to turn irregular. "Breathe, Chin Hae." His voice is as commanding as steel, yet as soft as velvet. San nods at you empathetically, rubbing circles into your back as you try to keep your breathing steady.
"I ran over as soon as I heard the bells, but I was too late." Mingi says grimly, shaking his head, eyes downcast as if he personally blames himself for this happening. "I could have been there. I should have been there."
Silence.
"I should have known what to do." You murmur under your breath, a lump forming in your throat. There's something lingering deep in your chest, you realise. It hurts more than empathy, eats you away from the inside more painfully that jealousy.
Guilt.
"None of this was your fault." Yeosang says quietly, his voice almost cracking, but he speaks it like it's a fact and not merely his opinion. "Especially not yours, Mingi."
"It's my job!" Mingi almost snarls, a glassiness to his eyes that makes you feel like crying from shame. The two of you were there, you should have protected Seonghwa, kept him safe. "That's why you assigned me to follow Seonghwa-hyung around whenever we're in town to keep this from happening, and look what I just did! I left his side for some goddamn cordyceps! As if this could buy back Seonghwa-hyung's peace of mind!"
He throws the bag of herbs to the ground.
You don't even realise you're shaking from barely restrained sobs until San wraps an arm around your shoulders, pulling you into a side embrace. He doesn't speak, knowing no amount of words can change your mind about your failure at this point, but instead giving you the physical comfort you need.
"Mingi, keep your cool. You're scaring Chin Hae." Captain's voice is cold and detached, leaving no room for disobedience. Wooyoung nods in agreement. The captain continues speaking. "And regarding Seonghwa's problem, Yeosang and I have been discussing whether to do something or not. A plan, if you will."
Mingi echoes your thoughts. "Plan?"
The navigator nods, a little jittery but face set in determination. "We're sailing to Nassau."
The word means nothing to you, but you can feel Wooyoung and San stiffen. Mingi gapes at his captain, as if he didn't hear him right the first time.
"What?"
"We're sailing back to Nassau. We're going to find the person that got Seonghwa's family hanged on false charges, and if Seonghwa so wishes, I'm sending him to hell." Hongjoong elaborates, a little more clearly but his voice as sharp as the edge of his cutlass. "That's the closure Seonghwa needs."
The person that got Seonghwa's family hanged on false charges.
"What if we sail back and Seonghwa-hyung has a relapse just like last time?" Wooyoung interjects nervously, foot tapping impatiently on the floor. But San shakes his head.
"He's gotten stronger. It's been six years, after all."
"How do you know?" Mingi spits back, but your master replies without a trace of doubt in his voice.
"Ever since Chin Hae joined us, he made the choice to sleep below in the main hold instead of in the sick bay in my room." Your eyes fly open, you've just remembered that your bed, the one you sleep in now, used to belong to Seonghwa. You open your mouth to apologise, but you master continues speaking. "He said he didn't want to rely on my sleeping incense anymore, and that he needs to face his fears. Chin Hae coming was just a catalyst for him to take that first step."
Your heart clenches in your chest. This whole time, you had no idea...
"I believe that he's growing stronger." Yeosang states, nodding his head. "In the past, Seonghwa-hyung wouldn't sleep without that steak stuffed toy San gave him, but when Chin Hae came, he told me to lock it in strongbox because he was going to be in the hammocks and wouldn't need it anymore."
Part of you is honestly struck dumb. The entire time you'd been on ship, Seonghwa-hyung had been trying to turn his life around, and you had no idea at all.
"So there's that, Mingi and Wooyoung." Hongjoong ends off the debate smoothly, fixing the pair with piercing stares. "Are you ready to accept the plan now?"
Wooyoung simply sighs while Mingi nods reluctantly in agreement. Then you pipe up nervously.
"Captain..."
Immediately, everyone in the room turns to look at you, and you wish you'd just kept your fat mouth closed. But since everyone's expectant eyes are already on you, you simply continue to speak your mind.
"Can I... talk to Seonghwa-hyung?"
To your surprise, the captain doesn't question your request, simply rising to his feet. "It's no problem at all. I was intending on talking to him myself. Come with me."
San gives your hand a squeeze and a worried look. Do you want me to come with you?
You shake your head, squeezing it back as you stand up and follow your captain out of the cabin. The two of you walk in silence down to the galley.
"I'm sorry this had to happen the day after you got your name." He says softly, and you turn to look at your captain. His cheeks are slightly sunken, mouth turned downwards in a worried frown. You've never seen your captain so worried, so concerned.
You wonder if he'd do the same for you.
"It's fine." You reply quietly, shaking your head as you climb down the stairs to the galley. "Seonghwa-hyung is more important to me than any celebration."
When the two of you reach the bottom of the stairs, you see Yunho pacing in front of the kitchen door like a caged tiger. He sees you, and your heart almost breaks when you see the lookout's face drawn with exhaustion and worry.
"Captain. Chin Hae." He sounds spent, both physically and emotionally, but he straightens up while blinking the weariness from his eyes. "Do you need me for something?"
"Go take a nap, Yunho, you look like you need it." Captain pats the lookout on the back, but Yunho shakes his head desperately, as if trying to clear his mind.
"But I need to be here." His protest is weak and worn, like he's about to keel over any second. The captain shakes his head.
"Chin Hae and I will be here. Don't worry." He reassures the taller man and all at once you see Yunho's shoulders sag from the relief.
"Oh." Yunho tries hard not to sound too relieved, but he can't help the yawn that spills from his mouth. "Thanks, cap'n."
With that, he stumbles past the two of you and staggers up the stairs, out of sight.
"Seonghwa-hyung?" You move to the door, rapping hesitantly on the wood. It's the first time you've ever been denied entry to the kitchens and in your mind's eye, you see all the happy times the two of you have had together in the galley, the first time he taught you to use a knife, the incident in which you'd nearly burned the kitchen down, the time you'd mastered cooking Seonghwa's favourite grilled steak. "It's Chin Hae."
It's silent for a moment and you turn to glance at your captain in a panic.
"Hey, Chin Hae." Finally, you hear Seonghwa's voice from behind the door, raw from tears and soft with vulnerability. Relief washes over you and you bow your head to hide your tears. "I'm sorry for making you worry about me, Hongjoong-ah."
"Shut up." The captain suddenly snaps, his own voice thick. "Don't ever apologise for worrying me. I want you to tell me all your problems, burden me with everything, share life with me and the crew. We're a family."
There's a soft inhale from behind the door as you slide to sit next to it. "Did we at least get the cordyceps back, Chin Hae?"
You snort through your tears. "Yeah, but Mingi-hyung threw them on the floor earlier."
A weak chuckle. "Well, we'll just buy more then. I'll have to scold that Mingi for wasting all that... They were expensive."
"Are you okay, Seonghwa-hyung?" You sniff, wiping your tears with your sleeve. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yes... I am." His voice is right there, at the door. "Chin Hae... can I... tell you about Ha Rin?"
Ha Rin.
Captain stiffens next to you, and you glance at him in confusion.
"Of course." You tell him, trying to stop your nose from running, sitting up a little straighter even though he can't see you. "I'd be honoured."
"She was my younger sister." His voice is soft, lost, far away, reminiscent of the time Jongho and Yunho had been telling you about their pasts. "I lived with her, my parents and my younger brother Hyunjung in Nassau. We ran an eatery by the harbour. Those were some of the happiest days of my life."
The way he says it, with such yearning, makes jealousy clench around you. You have nothing to look back so fondly on.
"One day, I was at the harbor when one of my friends called me to the town square."
Something sinks in your chest. You know where this is going.
"The town officials accused my parents of harboring pirates and sentenced my entire family to death at the gallows. And I did nothing but watch as my family were hung before my eyes."
You recognise the emotion spilling from him, gnawing away at him from within. It's an immense guilt, all consuming as a tidal wave.
Captain exhales next to you heavily, but he doesn't look surprised at all by the news. Then you remember Seonghwa-hyung has been a member of the crew for six years now, of course Seonghwa would trust his captain with his past.
"Ha Rin was only nine. Hyunjung was eleven. I was supposed to take care of them, I was supposed to protect them." He laughs but it sounds brittle and self deprecating, the weight of his failure settling on his shoulders. "And yet... I was the only one who survived."
You don't know what to say. Your fingers reach under the door, seeking his warmth on instinct.
There's a pause.
Then his fingers intertwine with yours, gripping them tight. "I thought I could atone for my failure by taking care of the members on board the ship, but it seem that I'm failing in even that too. I still hear their voices, calling for me to join them every time I close my eyes. Maybe the gods are punishing me for my sins."
You want to cry, scream, protest that he's wrong, that he's the first person who treated you with kindness even when you were tied to the mast, that the crew loved and needed him, but the captain beats you to it.
"You are not failing, Seonghwa." Hongjoong growls, pressing his forehead against the door, voice raw with emotion. "Every single person on this ship needs you, you hear me? That includes me. Who else is going to cook us food if you're not there? The whole ship will starve to death."
It seems like such a small, petty thing to talk about, but Seonghwa manages a small laugh at that. "San was always interested in cooking."
"Hell no." The captain wears a fond, sad smile on his face. "We should just leave him to healing. Honestly, I don't know how we trust him with our injuries. We need you, Seonghwa."
You nod in agreement although he can't see and Hongjoong continues to speak. "We're sailing for Nassau, and we're going to find the man who got your family hanged. Will you... will you do this with us?"
Seonghwa is silent for a minute. Just when you start to wonder if Hongjoong had asked too much of him, he replies softly.
"You know I'd follow you anywhere... Captain."