"Dad will run as the governor for next year's election?" I asked Mom while reading an article about dad. Hindi ko iyon inaasahan sa pagbabalik ko, because I know dad is contented of being the city Mayor already.
"Yes Afia. That's also the reason why I wanted you to go back home. It's not safe for us, lalo pa't bali-balitang drug Lord ang kalaban ng dad mo." Yumakap sa akin si mommy. "We doubled your bodyguards too."
"Why did dad run as governor? I mean isn't it too much?" Kumunot ang noo ni mommy sa akin. "It's not like I don't trust dad, mom... Don't give me that look. I thought dad will stop being politician already, after being the city Mayor for a long time now..."
"Hindi ba mas maganda kung mas marami pa ang matutulungan ng daddy mo. Malinis ang pagiging politician ng dad mo." Ani mommy.
"I know mom. Alam kong never nangurakot si dad. I just...I'm just more concern with our safety mom... And what if---"
"They will not know. Hindi na yun mauungkat pa because he already found a donor. Makakakita na ulit siya." Mom sincerely smiled at me. "It's your dad's decision." Dagdag pa ni mommy. "We're family here let's just support your dad. Alam kong may mas maganda pa siyang plano sa buong lugar natin."
II haven't seen dad since the day I came back home. I stayed home for a week now. I was planning to have a fresh start too. Gusto ko nang magtrabaho ulit. It's not too late to start again. "Afia, you dropped this." May inabot sa aking letter si mommy.
"That's Gael's letter mom..." I suddenly had goosebumps. It's been a month already, and I think it's really the right time to read his letter.
Afia,
The time you'll probably be reading this is the the same time I already left. I have so many things to tell you. And I have so many things to be sorry about. I don't know kung paano ko sisimulan. I know this will shock you. You're not at fault at anything. Hindi ikaw ang nakabangga kay Dric. I was there. I saw everything with my naked eyes. I'm sorry for keeping this all by myself and I'm sorry for making you think you're the one at fault. But you have no idea how I regretted not telling you too soon. Paulit-ulit akong kinakain ng konsensiya ko. Ilang beses akong nagtangkang sabihin sayo pero natatakot din ako tulad mo. I was the one responsible for everything Afia, yes you read it right. Ako ang nakabangga kay Dric. That's the reason why I became the head engineer of the hotel ViC is planning to build. I'm trying to check on him. And the day I saw you alam kong gumawa ka ng paraan. I'm sorry for making you cry that day, I'm sorry for making you feel bad about it. Natatakot ako na baka malaman mo na ang totoo which in time ay sasabihin ko naman talaga.
Remember the night of the car accident? We broke up before it happened. Sinundan kita Afia, I cheated on you, at agad kong pinagsisihan 'yun. I cannot lose you, I don't wanna lose you. You were driving recklessly that night. I wanted to call you but I know you won't answer my call. May paparating na truck nun, iniwasan mo ito, umiwas din ang driver kaya sa akin nabaling ang direksyon nito. I don't know what to do, hindi ko alam kung anong pag-iwas ang gagawin ko. My heartbeat was so fast that time I tried whatever possible I can just to get away from the truck. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang maiwasan ko ang truck. Tumakas agad ang truck nang lingunin ko ito sandali. Nang lumingon ako sa harapan ko ay may biglang sumulpot na lalaki sa harapan ng kotse ko. I panicked. I can't stop my car, hindi ko na naipreno pa because it was really too late naging matindi ang tama niya sa harap ng kotse ko. I felt the impact. Instinct told me to run away, so I did. Pero hindi kinaya ng konsensiya ko. Binalikan ko ang lalaki. And you were there crying in front of him. Tsaka ka bumalik sa kotse mo, you drove fast kaya sinundan agad kita. I received a call from you, hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isip ko at pinasagot yun sa random na babae. For you to think, I'm with the one I cheated on you with. You were crying so hard that night, and I'm hurting inside too. I'm really at fault about everything. Ramdam ko ang sakit na nararamdaman mo, habang iniisip na ikaw ang may kasalanan ng lahat. It was mine. I'm the one to blame.
I wanted so bad to tell you already but I'm afraid I'm gonna lose everything. Ang mga bagay na matagal kong pinaghirapan bago makamit. I am so sorry for thinking it's better that way kasi may makakatulong naman sayo. Your dad is very influential, he can fix it for you. Ako, wala...I'll go back to zero. I'm so sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry, I regretted it everyday, lalo na nung nakita ko kung gaano ka na kalapit kay Dric, I admit I'm so jealous too. Araw-araw kong hinihiling na sana hindi na nangyari yun. I'm really sorry, my love for you isn't enough. Pakiramdam ko rin naman malapit na ang endpoint ko. Whenever I drive, it haunts me. Ilang beses na akong muntik maaksidente sa pagmamaneho. I don't think I deserve to live too. Kapag dumating yung araw na matapos na yung papel ko sa mundong 'to, I promise I'll offer my eyes to him. Yung mga matang nawala sa kanya nang dahil sa akin, hindi dahil sayo. I'm more than willing to embrace my last day just for him to have that day to see again.
I know you will be shock. Hate me all you want, I will accept it. I'm sorry for not loving you enough. But I know I love you the way I know. I still love you. I really do. But I know if you ever feel the love again for me, I won't deserve it anymore...Babe, let me call you this way again for the last time. If only I can correct my mistake the right way, naging maayos pa rin sana tayo. If only I didn't cheat on you, it wouldn't be this complicated. I wanted to end my life my own way. Gustong-gusto ko na talagang magpakamatay. But I knew better I see signs that I will die soon. That's why I wanted to see you, to hug you for the last time. And when that time comes I'm ready to face death. I will donate my cornea to him when it's the right time already. I will do that not to clean up my conscience while I still have the chance to. I will do that for you. I saw how you look at him. I see myself on him. Parang ako dati, ganun ka tumingin sa akin dati. I love you, and I know his happiness will be your happiness too. Your happiness will be mine too, kahit wala na ako sa tabi mo.
I wanted you to remember me with his eyes. I wanted to, kahit hanggang sa ganoong paraan na lang. Kahit hanggang dito na lang, kahit wala na talaga, dahil tapos na. I love you Afia...I will watch you wherever I'll go now. I will forever protect you, because that's the thing I wasn't able to do for you when you needed me the most. I am sorry till this moment because I wasn't able to tell you personally. Kasi kahit pilit kong sabihin habang yakap kita, hindi ko magagawa kasi ang gusto ko lang ay mayakap ka kasabay ng abnormal na pagtibok ng puso ko kapag ikaw ang kasama ko. I wanted to leave with a memory of just hugging you, with that magiging malaya na muli ang puso ko. I've been living with too much pain, loneliness for the past years of not having you with me, and it's too late when I realized I will always go back to you, that I will always love you, not too enough for you, but I will still because you've held my heart and I just can't get it back from you again.
Till we meet again, maybe in our second lives?
Loving you till my last breath,
Gael
"Aaaaaaahh!" Napadapa ako sa kama habang humahagulgol. "Aaaaaaahh! Ang sakit-sakit na!" Napayakap na lamang ako sa sarili ko habang binubuhos ang nararamdaman ko. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko, but I'm not mad at him. Sobrang nanghihinayang lang ako sa chances naming dalawa na nasayang na lang talaga.
"Should've told me..." Bulong ko. "We could have fixed it soon enough..."
Hindi ko namalayan na nakatulugan ko na pala ang naging sulat niya para sa akin. Pag gising ko ay mugtong-mugto ang mga mata ko. Pumunta si daddy sa kwarto ko and my initial reaction was to hug and cry on his chest. "Dad... Wala po akong kasalanan." Umiling-iling ako sa dibdib ni daddy.
"Hindi ako ang nakabangga dad. It's not my fault." Humihikbi ako habang patuloy sa pag-alo sa akin si daddy.
"I told you, I trusted you because I know you're not at fault here..." Ngumiti sa akin si daddy. "We missed you..." Mas lalo akong napahagulgol.
"Ang bigat kasi sa pakiramdam dad at ngayong wala naman talaga akong kasalanan, mas lalong gumaan ang pakiramdam ko dad. I already accepted it a long time ago. Tinanggap ko ang pagkakamali ko. And now that I'm more than cleared, wala na akong pangamba pa ulit dad."
"I know sweetheart...you are our everything. I'm sorry for all the damage it caused you..."
"Oh my God! Si Gael ang nakabangga? All this time siya pala ang nakabangga and he didn't choose to tell you? That's selfishness! My God. Tapos feeling hero pa ngayon just because he donated his cornea to Dric. Dapat lang kasi kasalanan niya naman talaga!" Sinuway ko agad si Unity sa naging reaction niya.
"Unity. Just stop. It's done already. We both know he regretted about it. Plus, I have learned so much from this."
"I get your point Afia. Bakit ba sobrang selfless mo? Naiintindihan ko naman na nagsisisi siya but don't you think he still owes you more than this, more than a letter." Winagayway niya pa talaga sa mukha ko ang letter ni Gael. "I'm mad okay? Nagagalit ako kasi I saw you suffered. You get depressed. And he did nothing. Paano niya nagawang itago yun for more than a year now?"
"Look Unity... I know you're mad and maybe you're wondering why I didn't get mad at all." Tumingin lamang sa akin si Unity. "I'm not mad because I experienced it, I have been on his shoes for a long time now and I'm pretty sure what I suffered is the same thing he suffered too. Alam ko yung pakiramdam Unity. I'm sure he get depressed too. But you know what I've realized? No one knew about it, wala siyang kaibigan na tulad mo na sumuporta sa kanya. My parents knew about my case and I don't think his parents did." Lumambot ang expression ng mukha ni Unity tila nagsisisi sa mga nasabi niya.
"We have no idea of what depressed people are suffering when they have no one to hold on to, to talk about their case. At mas marami ang ganung case kaysa sa case ko. Most depressed people can't really tell they were depressed until someone ask. Maraming nagtatago sa kani-kanilang maskara. That they were okay even if they were truly not, that they were happy even if they were the saddest inside, that they were strong even if they were almost dying inside. We don't know because only a few will understand. Only those who truly cares..."
"I know how a depressed mind works. They are always on the edge of giving up. Yung kaunti na lang mapipigtas na. And sometimes they see death as their last resort. Para makalaya sa labis na kalungkutan." Napatungo ako at tsaka tumitig sa mga palad ko. "Being depressed doesn't meant you wanted attention para damayan ka ng mga tao. Being depressed will make you feel you need someone who will understand you. And for depressed people mahirap makahanap ng ganoon. Why? Because it's so hard to trust again, because it feels like no one has accepted you the first time you felt it. It's not just the words that depressed people need for them to continue their lives. It's the gesture, it's about being with them when they are about to give up. Na hindi mo rin sila bibitiwan tulad ng patuloy na pagkapit nila. At some point it's hard to understand depressed people too, kung bakit ba sila nakakaisip ng mga ganung bagay. You can't just tell them, someone loves you, someone cares for you, you have to make them feel someone really loves them, and someone really cares a lot..." Yumakap bigla sa akin si Unity.
"I'm sorry Afia..."
"Kulang ang mga salita para sa kanila. They need to see the action, they need to feel it. That's the time they will believe it."
I am now looking at the mirror and in a simple make up right now. Tinanggal ko ang make up ko at kinuha sa bag ko ang fake freckles at big black rimmed glasses ko. I thought I might be needing it again kaya tinabi ko.
I put on my fake freckles. Pinakapal kong mabuti ang kilay ko. "Afia?" Nakakunot ang noo ni mommy nang madatnan niya ako sa kwarto ko na ito ang ginagawa. "Where are you going?"
"Mom, gusto ko lang po sana siyang makita ulit...I just wanna know---"
"Bakit? Alam naman natin na wala kang kasalanan. You don't have to do this again Afia." Tumayo ako at tsaka yumakap kay mommy.
"I miss him already..."
Napapayag ko sila mommy na bumisita ako kay Dric kahit saglit lamang. Even without a bodyguard ay napapayag ko siya.
"Ela!" Nagulat ako sa naging pagsalubong ni Nanay Beth sa akin. Ramdam ko ang pagkamiss niya sa akin. "Ikaw yung unang hinanap ni Young Master Dric matapos ang operation."
Sinamahan ako ni Nanay Beth papasok sa isang VIP room. "Sabi ng doctor ay hindi pa ganoon kalinaw ang mga mata ni Young Master Dric ngayon. Mag-a-adjust pa ito ng ilang buwan bago tuluyang maging malinaw." Nang pagpasok ko ng kwarto ay nadatnan ko si Dric na nakatanaw sa malayo. He's wearing a clear eye shield.
"Young Master Dric, nandito po si Ela..." My heart skipped a beat the moment he turned his attention direct to me.
"Ela..." He opened up his arms for me. Tumakbo ako palapit sa kanya, doon ay yumakap siya nang mahigpit sa akin. "Na-miss kita..." Tuluyan na akong naiyak. "Blurred ka pa sa paningin ko ngayon, but my heart says it's you. Kilalang-kilala ka na talaga." Tumango-tango ako, pinipigilang marinig niya ang paghikbi ko.
"I'm so happy for you... Na---" Nabasag ang boses ko. Naramdaman ko ring humigpit pa lalo ang yakap niya sa akin. "Na-miss kita. Sobra..."
Umupo ako sa gilid ng kama niya para lalo pa siyang matitigan. I suddenly remembered Gael, it's like I'm staring at his eyes right now. I know whatever feelings I'll have for this man in front of me now, magiging masaya si Gael para sa akin. "Gustong-gusto na talaga kitang makita. I'm sorry for not talking to you the past months. Ayoko na kasing maging pabigat pa sa'yo... I wanted you to leave that time because I don't want you feel that I'm your responsibility..."
"Kailanman ay hindi ka naging pabigat sa akin Young Master Dric." Inabot niya ang mukha ko tsaka marahang pinadaan ang daliri niya rito.
"You cried..." Bulong nito nang siguro ay makapa niya ang kaunting luha sa may pisngi ko.
"Masaya lang ako. Sobrang saya..." Natigilan ako nang bahagya siyang umurong palapit sa akin. Naramdaman ko na lamang ang paglapat ng labi niya sa pisngi ko. Sobrang bumilis pa lalo ang pagtibok ng puso ko. It was beyond normal and at the same time really weird.
"You're staying right? I hope it didn't make you stop from understanding me. Sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam na hindi ka kausapin. Sobrang bigat kasi alam ko sa sarili ko, that though you're not my first, you will always be my most..." Natigilan ako. I promised my mom this will be my last but can I still ask for another month. Kahit isang buwan lang ulit habang hindi pa tuluyang nakakapag- adjust ang mga mata niya sa bagong cornea niya.
"Mom, dad...I promise I will leave after a month now. I just wanna cherish it too. Sobrang nasayang din kasi yung mga nakaraang buwan na kasama ko siya. Mom, dad...I promised to follow you two, right after this. Kahit ito na lang mom, pangako huli na ito."
"That will truly be the last Afia, you cannot be with that Young Master. You don't want me lose the position right?" Napakunot ang noo ko.
"Dad there's nothing to worry about. I'm not at fault. Relax."
"But I made a escaped goat for you remember..." Narinig ko ang malalim na paghinga ni daddy sa kabilang linya. At alam ko, malaki ang naging panghihinayang niya sa nangyari. I know my dad doesn't want it to happen that way but he's left with that choice.
"I'm sorry dad. Pangako, last na po ito..." Lumabas ako sa kwarto matapos ang naging usapan namin nila daddy.
"Akala ko hindi ka na babalik. Unity told me." Ani Paresh habang naghihintay na maipasok ko ang mga pagkain ni Dric sa loob ng kwarto nito. "I mean he told me everything...pati yung kay Gael." Tumango na lamang ako, I know he felt sorry for what happened.
"Let's just have a fresh start." Tsaka ko kinuha ang mga pagkain ni Dric at pinasok sa kwarto nito.
"Young Master Dric, ito na po ang mga pagkain niyo po. Pinoy cuisine po ang lahat ng ito." Matagal akong tinitigan ni Dric bago siya tumango sa akin.
"I think by next month I'm gonna see you finally. I don't like that I'm seeing you so blurry right now." Sumimangot ito. Hindi ko napigilang pisilin ang pisngi niya. Mas nilapit niya pa ang mukha niya sa mukha ko. Napaatras ako kaya muntik na akong ma-out of balance, mabuti na lang at nahapit niya agad ako sa baywang ko. "Ela..."
"Hmm?"
"I'm always having this abnormal heartbeat when I'm with you. Pakinggan mo..." Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at nilagay sa dibdib niya, sa tapat ng puso niya. Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko.
I know Dric because that's the same way my heart beats when I'm with you. "Para kang bata." I tried to laugh with my silly joke. "Kumain ka na nga."
"Susubuan mo ako?"
"The last time I checked you don't want to be this dependent to anyone." Sumimangot itong muli sa akin. "Ayaw mong sinusubuan kita noon kasi sabi mo kaya mo naman ang sarili mo."
"Noon yun..." Sumimangot pang lalo ito sa akin tsaka sinabayan pa nang pagnguso niya. "Hindi ba ako pwedeng maglambing sayo ngayon?" My heart almost drop.