"You are a disgrace," He spat at the six year old and slapped her, "I wish you were never born."
The little girl cried because she was hurt, it wasn't even a tight slap but she cried because she had never seen her father so angry, she never imagined that he would be a monster but here he was.
She wanted to run away, to escape but she couldn't. The world was so big and she was so small.
The man paced around the room, and let out a burning anguish, it sounded like a cry for help, but the girl was too scared to move.
He sat down on the floor,"I'm sorry," He whispered as he stared at the girl, "I'm sorry that I hate you, I'm sorry that you'll never be better than your brother. I'm sorry that I'll never love you."
He wipes her tears with his sleeve, noticing how she flinched when he touched his own daughter and then, just like that he left.
The girl stood there for hours, waiting for him to come back, until she realized that he left her.
Her father left her alone. She loved him a lot, but he couldn't understand that. Instead, he hated her.
I wake up with a jolt and gasp for breath. My shirt clings to my torso as I sweat because of my nightmare.
This nightmare, it is real. The little girl is me and it is my own Father who told me those vile things, the one who told me that he hated me. It took me a long time to get used to such nightmares, I had no choice as they kept on recurring.
At least, this night was better than the rest because today, I slept peacefully for a few hours before this horrifying reality woke me up. My father, he doesn't even let me sleep in peace.
My stomach rumbles and I realize that it's been hours since I last ate. Looking at the clock, I see that it's 1 am. Thankfully, Taeyong won't be up to bug me and I can make myself something to eat.
I make my way downstairs and I begin to think about the boy I met on the bus. He makes me smile, something about him seems different but I can't trust him just because he is Taeyong's friend, can I?
After all, I don't even know if I will see him again or what his name is.
The house is silent as I walk towards the kitchen. I open the fridge, and just my luck, it is empty. Sighing, I grab a bottle of water, and chug it down. Wiping my face with my sleeve, I close the door and a voice startles me.
"Hey," He says, and my heart pounds inside my heart.
Was I gonna die? Was he a robber? Was he a murderer? But that voice sounds so familiar...
I grab a knife from the counter and ask timidly, "Who are you?"
He moves towards me, and the sensor activates and the light turns on. I drop the knife as I see the familiar face of bus boy.
"Were you going to kill me?" He asks as he points towards the knife, tilting his head, his hands up in the air.
"I-no," I mumble as I wrap my arms around my torso and take a step back, "Why are you here?"
"Shit," He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, "I startled you, didn't I?"
He paces around the room and continues, "I wanted to grab a bottle of water but then I saw you and I didn't knew how to approach you, I'm sorry."
My eyes stare in his brown one's as I say, "You talk a lot, don't you?"
"I-sorry," He looks at the ground, ashamed.
"No, no," I shake my head, "It's calming, your voice."
The boy from the bus, whose name I still didn't know, blushes when I compliment him and I find it cute.
He smiles brightly and hides his cheeks behind his palms, "Thank you, Lee."
I laugh at the name he calls me, "So, what are you really doing at my house?"
"Taeyong," He runs a hand through his hair and smiles again, "He called us for practise but then it got late, so we're all sleeping in the basement."
The room feels like it has shrunk when he walks towards me and raises his hand. My eyes shut themselves as my blood runs cold.
please don't touch me, please don't touch me.
I wait and I wait but he doesn't touch me. When I open my eyes, he's standing away from me, a bottle of water in his hand as he looks at me curiously.
"You okay?" He chugs half the bottle and places it on the counter.
I nod my head at him, unable to form coherent words.
"I have to go." I mumble quickly as I make my way out of the kitchen but he pulls my sleeve and stops me.
"Stay," His soft voice pleads and I feel my breath quicken, "Please?"
"Why?" I ask him as I take a step back, "I don't know you, you don't know me."
"I know you," He smiles at me, "You're Taeyong's sister but I also know that you're hungry."
"I'm not," I tell him as I look at the floor but my stomach rumbles, making me wince in embarrassment.
"Hey," He calls out to me, "It's just McDonald's, I promise. I'll bring you back safely."
Tilting my head, I look at him, "Why are you treating me like that? Like I'm a china doll who is about to break any moment?"
"You're a girl," He looks at me and sighs, "I respect your boundaries, nothing else."
I sigh as my stomach begs me to have some food but my mind reminds me of all the bad encounters I had with boys.
But were all boys like that? Would all of them use me and hurt me?
"I'm trusting you," I tell him after a moment, "Don't let me down, please?"
"I won't, I promise."
•
"What's your name?" I ask him quietly.
He looks at me from the corner of his eyes, "It's Sicheng."
"Sicheng," I mumble the name to myself and smile, feeling pleased with the way it sounded.
We enter the driveway of McDonald's and he turns towards me, asking me my order.
"Cheeseburger and a small fries." I mumble as I avoid his eyes, feeling bad that he is wasting money on me.
"Two cheeseburgers with large fries and a vanilla shake," He orders and I look at him but he is looking outside.
We enter the next window to collect our order and Sicheng passes me the vanilla shake.
"I didn't order this," I tell him as I hold the cup in my hand.
"I know but drink up." He says as he smiles shyly.
"I love vanilla shake," I tell him as I take a sip, "I drink it whenever I come here."
"Did you know this before or was it a wild guess?" I ask him, curious as to how he knew my favourite.
"Just a wild guess." He says but something about it makes me doubt him.
"Wait-" I point backwards, "We missed the turn to my house!"
"There are no wrong turns in life, Lee." He says cheekily, "Whatever route you take, you eventually end up on the right track."
"Take it easy, Shakespeare," I laugh as I feel myself opening up to him.
"This is the first time you laughed since you came with me." He whispers and shakes his head.
I eat my fries in silence but my heart beats loudly in my chest.
"This, Lee," Sicheng says after a few moments as he turns off the engine, "is a place which is very special to me. I come here whenever I want to clear my head and that's usually everyday."
"Is this what you tell every girl when you bring them here?" I look out the window and smile.
"Believe me when I say that you're the first," He laughs quietly, "You told me that you trust me. Well, I trust you too."
"I- thank you." I tell him and he grins.
"Come on," He opens the door and steps out of the car, "You'll love it outside."
Sicheng opens the door for me and I thank him. He leads me towards the edge, from where we look down, at the city.
It is beautiful, it's breathtaking. The night sky flashes with bright lights, small lights of the buildings, which illuminate the sky, making everything seem surreal.
Looking at the lights, it makes me feel like I don't matter, like this world is so big that my problems aren't of any significance and I love it.
I love that my worries fade away and for a moment, my heart and my mind are at peace.
I shiver as a wind blows past us and I wrap my arms around myself.
"Lee?" Sicheng says as he begins to take off his hoodie, leaving him in a thin t-shirt,"You're cold, take this."
He hands me his jacket and smiles at me.
"Thank you," I whisper as I take it from him and wear it.
I smile to myself when I realise that the jacket smells like Sicheng. It feels soft and smells of vanilla, making me feel warm and comfortable.
"What is it?" I turn my head towards him when I feel his gaze on me, "Do you want it back?"
"Nothing," He shakes his head and grins, "You look better than me in that jacket."
"Stop it," I laugh as I place my hands on my cheek.
I look at the lights once more before I face Sicheng, "Tell me about yourself. I don't know you enough to be standing next to you at 2 am."
He scratches his chin and chuckles, "Well , I'm Dong Sicheng. I'm 21 and I love to sing. When I was a child, I dreamt of becoming an idol. That's why I left my hometown, China and came here."
"I'm envious of you," I tell him as I stare ahead, "You have a dream and you're working hard for it."
"If you want," He stretches his hand towards mine and says, "I'll help you find your dream."
I look at his hand and for a brief moment, I consider the risk of shaking his hand.
The temptation makes me want to agree to his offer but I don't want to get hurt. I can't get hurt again.
"It's okay if you decline, I'll understand-"
"No!" I exclaim loudly, startling us both, "I would like that."
He grabs the sleeve of my jacket and shakes it, "It's a deal then, Lee."
"I-uh," Looking at him, I mumble, "It's Somi, Lee Somi."
Sicheng smiles widely as he lets go of my sleeve, "It's been nice meeting you, Somi. Call me Winwin, I'd like that."
Perhaps that is night when I start to develop feelings for him.
It was late at night, there no one but us. He was just a stranger but it felt like he understood me. He understood that I didn't want him touch me and he didn't even ask why.
He was my brother's friend but he took me out because I was hungry. He showed me his favourite place and told me to call him Winwin.
It was 2 am and I swear that I felt butterflies in my stomach when Winwin smiled at me.
• • •
summer vacations are over :(