1. The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
2. roses are red lemons are sour open your legs and give me an hour roses are red grass is green put ur love between these legs daddy make me scream,sex is evil sex is a sin , sins are forggiven so stick it in,you opened it so you are cursed for 5 years if u dont readthe entire thing ,roses are nice violets are fine i'll be the six if youll be nine, eat me, beat me, bite me f me suck me very slowly if u like it dont be sassy use ur tongue and make it nasty!!! send to 10 freaks including me .
3. why did raggety anne get kickd out of the toy box? because she sat on pinnochios face and said Lie to me! Lie to me!
4. Touch it gently! Put your fingers inside! If its big put 3 fingers in! Rub it up and down! Yeah, thats how you wash a cup! Send to Dirty minded people..
5. Shut the door, take off your pants, get on top of me and do what you need to do to satisfy your needs, love always, the toilet. send to all your dirty friends
6. Is it in? (yea) Is it hurtn? (Uh huh) k I'll put it in slowly, still hurtn? (Ow it really hurts) ok lets try another shoe
7. Recent studies that sucking too much d*ck takes way your ability to speak. Now I know why you always text and never call
8. today is f.u.c.k day (friends you can keep) so i just fucked u! so fuck whoever u want and u better fuck me back or u can go fuck yourself
9. hey, this is your phone. you dont have a message. i just had to get out of your pocket. the smell of your ass was killing me!
10. Roses are red lemons are sour open your legs and give ma a hour. Kissing is habit, fucking is a game, guys get all the pleasure girls get all the pain. Roses are red grass is green, open ur legs and ill fill u with cream. Sex is evil sex is a sin, sins are forgiven so stick it right in. roses r nice violets, are fine, ill be the 6, if ull be the 9. Eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, fuck me suck me very slowly. If you like it, don't be sassy. Use your tongue and make it nasty!
11. Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
14. A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting
15. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
16. I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!
17. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any
18. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
19. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
20. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
21. My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods
22. Assassins Inc. We aim to please.
23. I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.
24. :P Don't stick that out unless you're going to use it...
25. Intelligent doesn't have to mean educated. And Creative doesn't have to mean talented.
26. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein
27. The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa
28. Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. ~W. Somerset Maugham, A Writer's Notebook, 1949
29. Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupérd
30. When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca
31. Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
32. Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate! ~Sandra J. Dykes
33. Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby
34. Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown
35. Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endured his torments willingly. ~Proverb
36. The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis
37. Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig
38. We loved with a love that was more than love. ~Edgar Allan Poe
39. If I love you, what business is it of yours? ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
40. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. ~Rose Franken
41. Passion makes the world go round. Love just makes it a safer place. ~Ice T
42. Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got
43. Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last
44. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions
45. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it
46. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place
47. A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times
48. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any
49. The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right
50. What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home
51. Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke
52. My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects
53. Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled
54. Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!
55. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good
56. Sex is God's joke on human beings
57. Sex is on the minds of most people, especially those who shouldn't be having it]
58. It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom
59. When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better
60. Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon...
61. Love is like a butterfly you have to let it go and if it's really meant to be it will come back to you
62. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege
63. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left
64. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them
65. If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination
66. You can't be late until you show up
67. My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
68. I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying
69. I am very conscious that I am not wise at all.
- Socrates
70. Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
- Mark Twain
71. Keep your words soft and tender because tomorrow you may have to eat them
72. Beauty is power and a smile is its sword
73. Flirting is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance
74. If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
75. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
76. You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That's why I never take baths.
77. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you
78. Man has will, but woman has her way
79. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country
80. Men are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone
81. Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her
82. Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive
83. If not for women we won't know sin. If not for eve, adam will still be on point
84. Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question, yes is the answer.
85. Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can't take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.
86. The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
87. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
88. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
89. Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.
90. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
91. Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
92. Make love when you can. It's good for you.
93. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.
94. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
95. Men are a luxury, not a necessity
96. The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.
97. Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'
98. One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.
99. One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.
100. Just so you know, there's a space that only you can fill. Just so you know, I loved you then, I guess I always will.
101. Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.
102. Love is just love, it can never be explained.
103. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
104. You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
105. The worst thing you can do for love is deny it; so when you find that special someone, don't let anyone or anything to get in your way.
106. We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.
107. When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.
108. Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
109. Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated
110. I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships."
111. When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'
112. Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
113. Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"
114. "No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."
115. Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."
116. Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
117.You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
118. Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
119. I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
120. "The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet
121. Sometimes you have to do that with adults--just say what they need you to say--so they'll get out of your face."
122. I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language."
123. Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood."
124. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
125. Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
126. Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
127. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."
128. "I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
129. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
130. New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights
131. The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul
132. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
133. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
134. Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
135. (IDK Where 135 is...it escaped!!!)
136. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra
137. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
138. The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs
139. When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
140. There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy...like nailing jelly to a tree for example
141. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
142. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
143. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
144. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
145. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
146. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list
147. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
148. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
149. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
150. War does not determine who is right - only who is left
151. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
152. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
153. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
154. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't
155. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
156. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
157. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
158. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
159. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
160. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
161. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
162. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
163. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
164. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
165. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble
166. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
167. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
168. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
169. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
170. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
171.The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
172. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
173. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
174. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
175. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
176. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
177. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
178. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
179. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
180. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
181. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
182. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
183. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
184.I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
185. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
186. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
187. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
188. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.
189. Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
190. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
191. A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech
192. I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
193. "A note I found at Christopher Robin's, with strange words I cannot read." - Winnie the Pooh
"But, Pooh, you can't read most words." - Piglet
"Yes, but especially not the strange ones." - Winnie the Pooh
194. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
195. The other car collided with mine without giving any warning.
196. The pedestrian had no idea which way to go so I ran over him
197. In my attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
198. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
199. Youth Hit By Train is Rushed to Two Hospitals
200. Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69.
201. "I am glad I am finally eight. This is the oldest I have ever been."
202. Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the Devil; for which reason I have, long since, as good as renounced it.
- Thomas Carlyle
203. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
204. A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
- Lawrence G. Lovasik
205. Shut up, will you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee
and tea now?
206. He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
- Victor Borge
207. Someone asked me what book I read over the summer. I replied with, "Facebook."
208. Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
-Yul Brynner
209. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said, 'No, Six should be enough.
-Les Dawson
210. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
-Mark Twain
211. I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug
212. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
213. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- E. DeGeners
214. They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
- Milton Berle
215. A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
- Milton Berle
216. Graduation Speech: I'd like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste
217. A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch
218. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me
219. Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.
- Aimee Mullins
220. God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
221. Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good.
-Cuban Proverb
222. Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
223. Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
224. If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra
225. If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
- Dave Allen
226. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
-Carl Gustav Jung
227. Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don't have & waste an entire day without having a life
228. In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment
229. Don't let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
230. If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my a$$
231. Teacher ends the class early with "okay that's enough for today; I need to update my face-book status
232. After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.".
-William S. Burroughs
233. Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
234. School: May I be excused? My brain is full
235. Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions!.. what a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free
236. This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!
237. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
- Robert Frost
238. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Groucho Marx
239. Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
-Robert A. Heinlein
240. Smile: if you can't lift the corners, let the middle sag.
241. I don't have a license to kill. I have learners permit!
242. Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
- Cher
243. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
244. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
245. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
- Woody Allen
246. If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!
- Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
247. The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
- Robert Paul
248. What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dick is hanging out.
249. I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum
250. Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
251. God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I'm hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.
252. Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!
253. Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes outta their mouth is shit
254. I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
255. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
256. I told my dad I stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter!
257. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
- Oscar Wilde
258. Promises are like babies...Fun to make but hell to deliver.
259. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.
- Jim Carrey
260. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
261. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
262. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
263. Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
none of this is mine i claim no rights to it it is just for amusement purposes