#PTG38 Chapter 38
Jax... Jax told me that he would do everything to get me out of here. Kailangan ko lang maniwala... Kailangan ko lang magtiwala... But as days passed by, the hope I had inside me got smaller and smaller... Habang papatagal, mas lalo akong nawawalan ng pag-asa na makaka-labas pa ako dito...
"Kitty!" sigaw ni Joey nang makita akong papaasok ng lugar kung saan pwedeng bumisita. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad... Pilit na naglagay ng ngiti sa aking mukha... Masakit ang katawan ko... Pero ayokong malaman nila... Na totoo nga ang sinabi sa akin ng nanay ni Kier... Na sa bawat kilos, sa bawat paghinga, kailangan kong bantayan ang sarili ko...
"Are you okay?" Anj asked, looking worried.
Pilit akong ngumiti. "Okay lang ako..." sagot ko habang ngini-ngitian din sina Simon. Kita ko ang pagka-seryoso sa mukha nila. I... I didn't want them to know what was going on inside the prison. I couldn't talk about it. Pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw ako kung patuloy ko iyong iisipin.
Mas gusto kong magpanggap na ayos lang ang lahat...
Dahil sa ganoong paraan lang ako nakaka-kuha ng kaunting lakas...
Para maniwala na may katapusan din ang lahat ng ito.
I knew they didn't believe my answer... Sino ba ang maniniwala? Sino ba ang magiging maayos sa lugar na 'to? Puro takot lang ang nararamdaman ko... Puro pangamba... Sa halos isang buwan na pananatili ko rito, ni minsan ay hindi ako naka-tulog nang maayos.
"May dala kaming pagkain. Birthday ni Simon kahapon... We brought you a slice of his cake."
Agad akong napa-tingin kay Simon. "Belated happy birthday..." bati ko sa kanya, pero isang tipid na tango lang ang nakuha ko. I didn't have a concept of time anymore... Para bang sa araw-araw, gumigising lang ako para hintaying sumapit ang gabi.
I tried to hide my excitement as they opened the container. Gusto ko ng masarap na pagkain. Sawang-sawa na ako sa mga pinapakain nila dito... Parang hindi pang-tao... Parang hindi tao ang turing sa amin...
Dahan-dahan akong kumain habang nagku-kwento sila ng mga nangyayari sa labas. They tried to keep me as updated as they could... but I wasn't interested in all that anymore. Gusto ko lang lumabas. Gusto ko lang maka-laya.
Hindi ito 'yung buhay na gusto ko.
This wasn't life...
This was just existing... barely...
"Si... Cha?" tanong ko nang matapos akong kumain. Dahan-dahan kong nginuya ang bawat pagkain. I... I didn't know when they would come back. I wanted to cherish every bite.
Joey smiled. "She just woke up yesterday."
Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Ayos na ba siya?"
She nodded. "Yes, she's fine... At least, physically."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well... Of course she was hysterical when she learned about... You know... Her baby..." dahan-dahan na sabi ni Joey habang naka-tingin sa akin. Alam ko na hangga't maaari, hindi sila nagsasabi ng problema sa akin. Puro mga magagandang balita lang ang naririnig ko sa kanila... Maybe they were afraid of giving me more reasons to just give up...
"Also, you might be interested to know that the engagement's off."
Umawang ang labi ko.
"Cha threw her engagement ring at Iñigo's face, and asked him to get his things from her apartment... And Iñigo? That guy could beg... Unfortunately, Cha wouldn't listen to anything he has to say," Joey stated. "And if you're curious bakit alam ko 'to, kasi nasa kwarto ako ni Cha nung nangyayari lahat 'yun... I think they forgot I was there."
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko. I was just glad that she was okay... I didn't know what to feel about Iñigo. I just couldn't think of him as my friend. Matagal ko nang ibinaon sa limot lahat ng pinagsamahan namin.
As far as I was concerned, he's dead to me.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nanatiling tahimik para banggitin nila ang pangalan ni Jax.
"Nanggaling ba dito si Jax?" Joey asked.
I nodded. He's always visiting me... I must've been so afraid the first time he saw me here that he always made sure that he'd see me as often as he's allowed.
They wouldn't ask, and I didn't want to tell them. I didn't know if I'd ever get out of this shithole. Jax always told me that he'd do everything to get me out... pero habang padami nang padami ang araw, palabo nang palabo ang pangako niya...
But I wanted to believe in him.
I really wanted to...
Time passed by quickly. Mabilis. Sobrang bilis. Parang kakarating lang nila rito, pero palabas na rin sila agad... Pilit akong ngumiti; pilit na nagpanggap. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako masasanay na ganito... Na hindi makaalis... Dahil hindi pwede...
"Pagod ka na bang umiyak?" tanong sa akin ng kasama ko. Hindi ko alam ang pangalan niya... Ayokong alamin... I... I wanted to get out of here. I didn't want to make friends... I refused to make friends... Wala akong pakielam kung itulak nila ako, sabihan ng masama ang ugali...
I didn't want to stay here.
I didn't want to make any connections here.
Hindi ako sumagot. Itinuro niya iyong suot na sinturon ng nagbabantay sa amin. "Kapag pagod ka na... Ayun ang solusyon sa problema mo."
Agad kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko.
Jax.
Jax.
Ilalabas ako ni Jax dito.
* * *
"Ramirez, may bisita," sabi ng guard habang kinakalampag ang rehas. Mabilis akong pinagtulakan ng mga kasama ko para tumigil ang maingay na tunog. Binilisan ko ang lakad. Gusto kong makakita ng pamilyar na mukha... Kahit sino... Gusto ko lang makakita ng anino ng labas...
Agad na sumibol ang ngiti sa mukha ko nang muli kong makita si Jax. Marahan kong kinagat ang pang-ibaba kong labi habang mabilis ang mga hakbang ko palapit sa kanya.
"Hey..." he said.
"Hi," I replied.
"Sorry, I wasn't able to come yesterday..."
I nodded. "It's alright," sagot ko. Alam ko na pinuntahan niya si Cha. He didn't have to explain himself. I was just glad that she's out of harm's way... Kahit iyon man lang ang magandang mangyari sa buhay ko.
Jax was staring at me, as if he was memorizing my face. I smiled at him. I wanted to ask him... Did I still look the same? Did I still resemble the girl he used to love? Kasi tuwing tumitingin ako sa salamin, hindi ko na makilala ang babae na nakita ko...
"I talked to Cha," he began. I sat there quietly. I was just listening to whatever he had to say... I wanted to tell him that I still wanted to fight, but I already got nothing inside me... Siya na lang iyong lumalaban...
"The day... The day that she got stabbed," he continued. I looked at him, feeling nothing. I didn't want to hope... I couldn't hope... I didn't want to do that to myself anymore. It felt so cruel... It was so cruel whenever I would wake up to the same hell everyday. It was making me crazy. It was slowly eating me from the inside.
"She was about to meet someone."
Hindi pa rin ako sumagot.
"Katherine," tawag niya sa pangalan ko. Ramdam ko ang pagod sa boses niya. Sobrang pamilyar... Sobrang pamilyar ng tunog ng pagod... Palagi ko 'yang naririnig. Sa bawat umaga. Tuwing paggising ko. Tuwing bago ko ipikit ang mga mata ko.
"Don't be like this," he pleaded.
I remained silent.
"I'm doing the best that I can," he continued.
"And I'm doing the best that I can to survive here, Jax... But it's hard... It's hard to keep my spirit going... Ang hirap... Nahihirapan ako..."
Kitang-kita ko ang hirap sa mga mata niya.
"Ginagawa ko naman lahat..." mahinang sabi niya.
Pilit akong ngumiti. Pilit na tinatagan ang loob ko.
"There's this girl..." I began. He looked at me with questioning eyes. Mabilis na nagtubig ang mga mata ko. Pero kaya ko 'to. Ilang gabi ko 'tong pinag-isipan...
Ang unfair.
Ang unfair na nandito ako sa loob... Ako iyong naka-kulong... Pero pakiramdam ko kasama ko dito si Jax... Pakiramdam ko sa sobrang pagiging maka-sarili ko, isinama ko siya sa loob...
Paano siya mabubuhay kung ako ang palagi niyang iniisip?
Paano... paano ako matatahimik kung alam ko na nasa labas siya, umaasa na makaka-labas ako?
"I met her in a coffee shop. Isang slice na lang iyong cake na pareho naming gustong bilhin. Her name's Larine. She's a pre-school teacher. She's two years younger than you." Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga habang pilit na pinipigilan ang mga luhang nagbabadyang tumulo. "She lives in Las Piñas. She's very patient... Kaya alam ko na matatagalan niya iyang kasungitan mo..."
Jax's jaw clenched.
"What the hell are you saying?" he asked, anger was evident in his eyes.
I smiled, as I wiped the tears from my eyes. "I'm being realistic, Jax... I don't want you to spend the best years of your life chasing after the ghosts from my past."
Sinubukan kong abutin ang kamay niya, pero mabilis niya iyong inilayo sa akin.
"Larine... You'll like her..."
"The fuck if I like anyone!"
Mabilis ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Pero kailangan kong gawin. Para sa kanya. Para kahit isa man lang sa amin, maging masaya...
"Jax..." pakiusap ko.
"Ano'ng tingin mo sa 'kin? Laruan na pwede mong ipamigay?"
Umiling ako habang pinupunasan ang luha ko. "Makinig ka naman..."
"How will I listen if you're like this? You're not the Katherine I knew!"
"Hindi na. Hindi na nga talaga. Hindi na ako 'to, Jax. Kilala mo pa ba ako? Sa tingin mo ba ako pa 'to? Pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari sa akin, sa tingin mo kagaya pa rin ako ng dati?" tanong ko habang naka-tingin sa mga mata niya. "I married someone else. I got pregnant with someone else. I lost someone else's child. I got accused of parricide. I got convicted of parricide. And I'm in jail, Jax. Kilala mo pa ba ako?"
Hindi siya naka-sagot.
Pilit kong pina-pakalma ang sarili ko.
"Si... Si Larine..."
"Shut up."
Agad niya akong tinignan. "Do you think you're the only one who changed? Did you think I am still the same guy you loved years ago?"
I smiled at him. "It doesn't matter... I'll always love who you are... who you'll be."
His jaw clenched. "Then... why... the... fuck... can't you extend me the same courtesy? Why do you have to decide for me? Why did you decide for me then? Why are you trying to decide for me now?"
Hindi ako naka-sagot.
Mabilis na bumagsak ang ngiti ko.
"I don't want to talk about this. We have far more important things to discuss, but you're forcing me to," sagot niya habang seryosong naka-tingin sa akin. "Every night... Every night, I think about what you said. Kung hindi lang ako nagalit... Kung sana bumaba ako... Hindi mangyayari lahat ng 'to."
"Jax..." malungkot na tawag ko sa kanya. Mabilis ang pagdaloy ng luha sa mga mata ko. "Hindi mo 'to kasalanan..."
"If this isn't my fault, how is this your fault, Katherine? You were the one who got hurt. You were the one who lost her child... You were the one who were wrongly accused... How was this your fault?" he asked. I couldn't answer... I couldn't even look him in the eye...
But he didn't stop.
It felt like he wouldn't stop...
Not until I listen...
"If only... If only I lowered my pride... You won't be here... You won't be like this..." he said as a tear escaped from his eye. "Do you know how hard it is for me to see you like this? Sa tingin mo ba madali? Sa tingin mo madali sa akin na nakikita ka na unti-unting nauubos?"
Hindi ako naka-sagot.
Hindi ako maka-sagot.
"Katherine, if you think being here is killing you, it has already killed me. Kung pwede lang na ako na lang sa loob, gagawin ko... Pero hindi pwede... Ginagawa ko naman lahat ng makakaya ko... I don't ask for much... Just please... Please don't be like this... Please don't lose hope... Kasi kapag nawalan ka ng pag-asa, saan ako aasa? Saan ako kakapit? Napapagod din ako. Pagod na ako."
"Jax—"
Mabilis niyang pinalitan ng ngiti. Pilit. Pinipilit na takpan ang katotohanan.
"Please... Konti na lang... 'Wag kang sumuko... 'Wag ngayon..."
I nodded. I just wanted him to stop crying... "Okay..." I replied as tears just fell down.
I sat there, watched as frustration slowly disappeared from his face... It was slowly replaced with pain... With agony... With pity... All hidden behind a smile.
"She didn't give her name... but she gave me an envelope..." Jax said. He reached for my hands, and held them inside his. Hinigpitan niya ang hawak. Tinignan ako nang mabuti sa mga mata ko. Na para bang umaasa siya na mabubuhayan ako sa mga salitang lalabas sa bibig niya.
Aasa ba ako?
Hahayaan ko bang umasa akong muli?
Paano kapag hindi natupad? Paano ako babangon?
Pero... pero ano nga bang mawawala pa sa akin? Kinuha na nila lahat.
"Judge Marquez... he accepted the new evidence," he said, looking me in the eye. "Katherine... You're having a new trial."