Fire enveloped my eyes like they always did. They burned deep within their wake and flared along with the pit. Samantha and I had exited the den, walking side by side to the nearest fire pit that wasn't taken. I couldn't feel the fire's warmth, but I could feel Sam's presence. She sat by my side, staring at the fire along with me.
"I never got the chance to tell you I was leaving." She whispered into the night. "Trevor appeared suddenly and I didn't have a say in what to do..." It sounded as if she were trying to apologize.
"It's fine, Sammy. Just... Don't do it again. You really had me worried. I thought The Beast had gotten a hold of you." I shook my head silently, awaiting her response.
"The Beast? Well... That makes sense. It really is like everyone's out to get you..." My thoughts whirred with her statement. It was true. The Beast, Norman, the Rich Guards... Why were they all targeting me?
"You're right... It's so strange. I didn't even do anything to them. Then again, The Beast and Norman were people I couldn't trust to begin with." I made a good point, but it didn't seem to be enough to explain everything, to her.
"I don't think it's just that, Mathias." I looked up at her to see a worry in her eyes. "You were almost killed by all three of them. Why would they want you dead?" I turned my attention back to the fire and sighed.
"I really have no idea."
"Then find out. You can't just wait around and hope that they don't do anything more. They will, if you give them the chance." She warned.
"Why are you telling me this?" I stared at her hard, knowing that this was one of her weaknesses. No matter what, she would always give in if I stared at her long enough.
"I'm worried about you. Maybe being a Golden Fox wouldn't be a bad idea, and I'm not just saying that because of Trevor. I really do mean it. You would be safe here. After all, the Golden Foxes are a small group and we're a lot like family." She tried convincing me, but I was still hesitant. So many things could go wrong and the last time I trusted someone, they ended up having a whole bunch of accents.
"I would, but I just don't know... All I've ever known feels like it's a lie and I can't take much more of that." I gave out a soft sigh. My smoky breath evaporated into the fire's flames, reflecting off my eyes as if they twinkled whenever I let out a heavy breath.
"Don't think about it. Just do what your heart tells you. It's the best way to go." She grinned lightly before standing up and leaving me to my own thoughts. I watched as she reentered her small den at a distance.
"What my heart tells me..." I repeated. I smiled to myself, knowing exactly what I was going to do. I stood up and started heading towards the main fire in the middle of the clearing. There, Angeli and Derrick were taking to each other quietly. A pang of guilt rushed through me as I realized how dark it had gotten. It was late at night now and they were still sitting there, waiting patiently for me to come back. Everyone else had probably already gone into their own dens to do as they pleased, but they were still out here.
"Hey guys," I greeted silently as I approached them.
"Oh! You're back." Angeli smiled faintly, but then the smile disappeared. "What happened in there?"
"Well, a few things, actually. Apparently, Trevor wants me to be wary of you, Derrick." He chuckled lightly.
"Not a surprise. That's understandable." He shrugged it off, leaving me a little more at ease.
"He also wants me to be careful, since he knows about what happened with the Rich Guards."
"Does he know that you can't feel anything?" Angeli asked as I sat down beside her.
"He doesn't, but I'm not sure if I should tell him." I was being really cautious with the information I gave out lately, so this would be no different.
"I wouldn't. Who knows what he could do with that sort of intellect." Derrick suggested I stay quiet about it.
"Don't get all technical on me, now." I teased with his use of the word "intellect." He rolled his eyes from beneath his hair and seemed to grin a little too. "Last thing - he wants me to consider joining the Golden Foxes." They stared at me for a few moments, taking a while to process this. I feared the worst as Angeli opened her mouth to speak.
"If you want to join them, then I'll stay too. I trust your decisions." She spoke slowly, picking out every word carefully, as if not to mess them up.
"Yeah. If you want to join them, honestly and sincerely, I'll stay too. After all, this could help us." Derrick agreed. I couldn't help, but smile at my friends.
"Thanks, guys. I'd do the same if one of you were in my shoes." My heart filled with joy all of a sudden. This was what it felt like to have complete trust in someone?
"What are they even about? What do they do?" Angeli's curiosity shone in her fire-reflected eyes.
"Trevor wouldn't tell me. He said something about the Rich being suspected of something." I explained.
"Speaking of which, where is Trevor?" Derrick asked, careful to his surroundings.
"I don't know. He sort of just left."
"Weird." He murmured.
"Anyway, the Golden Foxes seem like the good guys here. Especially since Sam mentioned that they treat each other like family." I recalled her words from just moments ago.
"Then I'd go for it." Angeli seemed to have made up her mind. She didn't think it was a bad idea either.
"I'll think about it." I yawned sleepily, pondering over my final decision.
Gently, I lay down on the grass, unable to feel its prickly, yet soft texture. I sighed lightly, wishing that this was only temporary. I couldn't stand much more of this, and I wouldn't be able to last much longer without feeling my surroundings.
"Am I the only one who's sleepy?" Derrick asked, propping himself up with one arm while the other rested in his lap.
"Nope. I'm sleepy too." Angeli spoke, rubbing one of her eyes tiredly.
"Me three." I agreed.
"Then you all should start picking out your dens." I turned my head to find Trevor standing beside me, looking down at the three of us. His fluffed and unkept hair almost hid his eyes, but I could still see them filled with a strange and uninviting emotion.
"S-Sure..." I stammered, slightly afraid of my own brother. The glowing light reflecting off his ember eyes only made his look more intimidating. Still, I remained where I lay below him.
"The ones that aren't taken don't have a Golden Fox figure by the entrance. Use yours to mark it." He spoke quickly before walking off to his own den.
"That was rather... rushed." Derrick stated, looking back at the three of us.
"More like forced." Angeli corrected. She glared at where he had last been and scowled angrily. "Forgive me for saying this Mathias, but Trevor just doesn't sit in well with me. He could turn his back on us at any minute."
"Yeah, I know. That's why I'm hesitating about being a Golden Fox." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the little animal that Trevor had given me. "Come on, lets go find us a place to rest."
Agreeing on it, we decided on a rather large den for the three of us. After all, if we ended up being Golden Foxes, this might've been our permanent den. We were going to need our space.
"I call the back corner!" Angeli announced, rushing to the designated spot. It was slightly lit up in each den, so darkness wasn't a problem. Light was the problem. I was never able to sleep in brightness and couldn't sleep if lights were turned on. So, I picked a spot close to the entrance. It wasn't dark here, but it was dimly lit. That was good enough for me.
I placed the fox on a little indentation in the den's crevices and rested my head against the dirt wall, making my mid-length hair even more dirty. I didn't mind it much, since most people weren't exactly clean anymore.
A soft sneeze echoed in the den and I turned my face towards Angeli's spot, where she was sitting up, wide awake. She rubbed her nose against her black sweater's sleeve, shivering a little.
"So you did get sick." I stated in a low-toned voice.
"It was just a... a.. achoo!" She sneezed again.
"Mhmm." I glanced at Derrick, who had dropped dead like a fly after picking his spot near the center of the den. "I don't think so." I began crawling over to her and timidly placed my hand over her forehead. When I felt nothing in return, I clicked my tongue in annoyance. "I can't feel if you have a fever or not." I muttered.
"It's ok. You were right. I probably am sick with a cold." She snuffled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. I felt bad, knowing that she was sick because of the weather's huge change in temperature and conditions. Wanting to do what I could, I did the only thing I could think of.
"Here," I scooted closer to her, wrapping her up in my arms. "I know I probably don't feel too warm, but it might help." She smiled up at me with a dim twinkle in her eyes.
"Thank you, Mathias." She whispered faintly before closing her eyes and resting herself against me. I wished I could've felt this. It wasn't the first time we had hugged exactly in this way, but it was worth feeling again.
"You're welcome." I whispered back as I began to lose consciousness and lost myself in the land of sleep.
I also lost track of how many times I continuously woke up that night. Twice, I woke up Angeli when I panicked about where we were. Then again, she was having a lot of trouble falling asleep too. When morning finally came around, I was already awake, but unstable. Unstable, as in unable to stay stable. I kept dozing off as I tried to completely wake myself up, but to no avail.
"Hey." I heard someone softly call out to me. "Hey, wake up." They repeated.
"Mmm?" I asked no one in particular.
"Wake up." They said once again.
"Five more minutes." I mumbled sleepily. They sighed.
"No time." My cheek was pinched, but I didn't feel the fingers dig into my skin. "Ugh. Come on." Derrick was beginning to get impatient and I chuckled as I opened an eye.
"You could've just asked nicely. A simple please would've sufficed." I argued, watching the corner of his mouth curve up.
"Please." He stood up and I noticed that Angeli wasn't where she was last night.
"Where's Angeli?" I asked as I yawned.
"I sent her to the Golden Foxes' healer. Lots of things can heal a cold, but if it gets worse, there won't be much anyone can do for her then." He explained, ruffling dirt out of his hair.
"I see your point." I stretched my arms and legs out before sitting up and doing the same with my hair. This place could really get someone dirty, but Derrick told me it was warm. At least there was a benefit for them.
"We have to get up. Have you come down to a decision?" Derrick leaned up against a wall and looked over at me with a suspicious glance, however, I could not see past his curtain of hair.
"I have an idea. I had a lot of time to think of it." I ran a hand across my face tiredly. "Last night, my choice kept me up the entire time. Or, most of the time." I stood up and headed for the entrance, Derrick's gaze following my movements.
"I hope it's worth it then." He replied worriedly.
"Trust me." I stepped out of the den and looked back at him. "It is." Outside, the skies seemed as dark as usual, clouded over and covered with their murky and bland color. Even as I walked towards the center of the clearing, I could sense a few pair of eyes staring at me. The Golden Foxes were being vigilant of my whereabouts, no matter what I was doing. I spotted Angeli step away from a small group of them and started walking towards me. Her expression was unreadable, along with the glazed look in her eyes. She glanced up at me, her nose tinged with red and her tired eyes an alarming puffy texture.
"You're choosing, right?" She asked with a grumbled and scratchy voice.
"Yeah... Are you okay?" I questioned in return. I had never seen her this down before. Was it just me, or was this more than a cold?
"Don't worry about me. Where's Derrick?" I nodded my head back behind me, where he was silently following after me.
"Angeli. Feeling any better?" He came up beside me and looked down at her with a worried stare.
"A little, thanks." She sniffled and turned back around, seeming to know where we were supposed to go to find Trevor. Of course, it only seemed that way.
A hand tapped at my shoulder, but I wasn't able to respond to it and kept walking instead. Derrick and Angeli had stopped, and I wondered why. When I turned, Trevor was staring at me with a confused expression.
"I guess you're not staying, then?" He looked at me with an even further confused look.
"I never said anything." I raised an eyebrow at him and he gave me a challenging glare.
"You were ignoring me." He tried explaining.
"Ignoring you? How so? You just showed up right now." I cocked my head to the side, maybe even more confused than him.
"I tapped your shoulder and you ignored it." He continued to challenge the matter, so I decided to have fun with him, just to see his reaction.
"Remember back in Sweden when I told you that anything you did to me didn't affect me anymore?" I crossed my arms and became very aware of the sudden mutters coming from the small number of Golden Foxes.
"Yes..." He looked around at his fellow members, watching their reaction. Surprisingly, they took it pretty well - considering that they most likely didn't know about this.
"Well, I really wasn't kidding when I said I couldn't feel that knife cut through my hand." I hadn't lost my sense of feeling at that time, but I couldn't stand losing a chance like this to mess with his mind. Trevor widened his eyes for a few seconds, then they went back to normal.
"So you can't feel... this?" He poked my arm, and I shook my head.
"Can't feel it." He stared at me suspiciously, but nodded his head in understanding.
"I see. Is it permanent?" I shrugged.
"I dunno. Anyway, about being a Golden Fox..." I started, but he quickly silenced me.
"Let's talk somewhere more private. Come on," He ushered me away and I glanced back at Derrick and Angeli. Their faces were both equally worried. I gave them a small smile in assurance, and they looked to have understood. Everything was going to be alright. It would be perfectly fine.
"You don't trust me, do you?" He asked suddenly as we trampled through the forest, instead of heading into a den.
"I never said that." I refused to give a certain answer.
"But you don't," He turned his gaze towards me and a serious look fell over him. "And I don't blame you either." He sighed.
"Trevor... Why?" I asked softly, staring into my brother's eyes.
"Why?" That same confused expression returned.
"Why did you do all this? Why did you kill so many people?" He looked away with that question and another sigh escaped his lips.
"I ask myself that same thing all the time, but I can never find the right answer. I sometimes believe it's because insanity finally caught up with me. Sometimes, it's that I couldn't find a way to express myself. Though, I know the truth. I'm just lost and I need to find myself again." His wise words rung in my ears as I continued to stare at him. Who was my brother? A monster, or an actual living brother? Could it be both? Was it neither?
"Someone once told me that you can never be truly lost. You're just waiting to be picked up from an endless road, but you aren't lost. You're missing." He chuckled and shook his head.
"Same thing." He mumbled.
"Not to me. Missing, to me, means that it can be found again. Lost means that it can never be found again. You're missing." He looked at me for a while, contemplating something in his mind. Then, a small smile spread.
"Sam was right. You haven't changed at all. You're still the same Mathias I remember from when we were kids." I gave him a distinct smile and watched as his eyes shone with a radiant and strange light.
"Yes." I simply uttered.
"Yes?" Confused, as usual.
"I'll be a Golden Fox." I agreed reluctantly. Something about this sudden conversation shoveled away my doubts and dug deeper into what I would get out of this. Making up for lost time with Trevor would be one of my advantages. Maybe I would be able to find out what was really going on.
"You will?" His smile seemed to get bigger.
"Sure. What do I truly have to lose?"
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." He stopped walking and I followed suit, watching as he held out his hand. "Deal?" I took his hand in mine and shook it firmly.
"Deal." Somehow, this didn't feel like an agreement over me joining my brother's little clan of people in Namur, Belgium. It felt like a promise, like one I had made long ago, but not so very long ago. A promise to at least try and get back on track to the siblings we once were.