Hi all,
This chapter has a TRIGGER WARNING because it speaks about suicide. So if you're sensitive to this topic then please SKIP to the end of this chapter.
Thank you
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I open my eyes slowly as sitting up and yawning. Seven am my cell reads. I shake my head in disbelief as jumping out of bed. I grab a pair of jeans and a green t-shirt from my bedroom floor that I slide on.
Suddenly I hear my cell buzz from my nightstand. Message from Tyler. What does he want? School starts in half an hour.
His message reads:
Can u check on Jess? She's at my dad's, only ten mins away from you.
I respond with: Will do
When Tyler says 'my dad's', he technically means his uncle's. Tyler's story is another that I don't know well, despite years of friendship.
Once my dressed I run downstairs, guzzle down the cup of coffee that my aunt left on the kitchen countertop, before jumping in my car.
***
I take my fist and slowly hit it against the wooden door. Her car is the driveway, she's definitely here.
I stand there for over a minute before I roll my eyes. I'm going to be late for school. I've checked up on friend's before, usually, it's Duncan. The last time I've had to, no one had heard from Duncan for days and we found him in bed with the chicken pox.
I lift the welcome mat where I find a spare key. I pick it up and quickly slip it into the key slot. I twist and push, allowing the door to creep open.
"Jess" I cry as walking through her father's house. Nice place. "Jess" I cry once more as I hear an odd noise coming from the bathroom. I enter the bathroom with caution where I find Jess on the floor, head in the toilet throwing up. I gasp.
After another minute she leans back, against the wall when I give her a towel from beside me. She's pale, looks really sick. I've never seen her like this.
"What are you doing here?" She wipes her mouth as breathing heavily.
"Tyler told me to check on you" I inform as dropping to the floor, beside her
"Of course he did," Jess sighs "what did he tell you?"
"Nothing" I assure, "you wanna tell me what's going on?"
"You don't need to know" she sighs as tears threaten to pour.
I think about what Ayla said to me days earlier. I can't just walk away from this.
"So it's serious" I cock a brow.
"Yeah" Jess nods.
"You know I can help you" I lower my voice.
"How?" She shakes her head, "how are you going to help me huh?"
"How about you tell what's going on first then we can work it out" I beg.
Jess looks down. "You've gotta buy me a burger first"
***
Jess and me skip school and end up at the beach with a burger in our hands.
We sit on the hood of my car, with our legs hanging off the end. We look at the waves in the distance. The beach has always been our safe place.
"Well?" I raise a brow.
"You won't be seeing me for a while" Jess admits.
"How come?" I blink.
"You know your dream" Jess starts as taking a bite of her cheeseburger, "where we all graduate together and go to college?"
It's a dream I've had for years. We all stay together as a family. I haven't had one of those for years, but my friends feel like they fit the description well.
"Yeah" I nod.
"There's a chance that I won't be there" she admits, keeping her eyes on the waves.
"Why?" I question as my heart begins to beat faster.
"Because I'm gonna die," she clenches her jaw.
"What?" I raise both brows, not knowing what to think.
"I'll be dead by the end of the year" she explains, "or should I just jump off the Golden Gate Bridge tonight....save myself some months of pain."
My heart sinks. I don't understand what's she's talking about, but what is apparent to me is that she's contemplating ending her life.
"How long have you been feeling like this?" I ask.
"Long enough" she admits, with her eyes welling up with tears.
Jess has dreams. After school, she wants to go to art school and become a famous artist. Eventually opening up her own art gallery.
I shake my head in disapproval, "what about your art, huh?" I start calmly, "thought you wanted to become a rich and famous artist?"
Jess rolls her eyes. "Don't chu know an artist's work is only of value when they're dead?"
"You're serious?" I furrow my brows in disbelief.
"Dead" she firms her eyes "no pun intended"
Duncan tried to take his life over the summer. I can't let Jess go down the same path.
"What's going on with you Jess? Where's all this coming from?" I soften my voice.
"I don't want to go through it all again" she admits.
"What are you talking about?" I sigh.
"I have cancer," she announces, "...acute myeloid leukemia...I relapsed after two years in remission" she sighs.
What? Cancer? I would know if she had cancer, wouldn't I?
"Jess if you're messing with me this isn't-" I start.
"I was fourteen years old the first time...I had to go through chemo than eventually had a stem cell transplant" a tear falls from her cheek as she watches the soothing waves, "the doc said that I was one of the lucky ones... I was born with a match"
"Tyler" I sigh.
Her cousin is her donor.
"Ty" she nods, "...Remember two years ago when I went to LA for a couple of months...I was getting treatment, right here in San Francisco, I made up that whole story about LA"
"Jess" I shake my head, "you've kept this to yourself for years....?"
"Don't look at me like that." She demands, tilting her head ever so slightly.
"Like what?"
"Like I'm already dead." Her voice breaks.
"Jess—"
"Have you heard of cancer face?" Jess asks, still avoiding eye contact. "It's what we call the look that people give us...when I went into remission I thought maybe that's it. But of course, we still had those appointments. Those checkups every six months. It's like I never actually got better. Then they found it again. Now there's more appointments...I've been getting my conditioning treatments and now I need my allergenic stem cell transplant on Friday"
"Friday" I widen my eyes, "...what were you gonna tell us?"
Today's Wednesday, Friday's so soon. She was going to go through all that and not say anything.
"Going to grandma's in long island for a month or so" she shrugs.
"That long?"
"I'll need to stay at the hospital for a few weeks and take antibiotics to treat infections as well as transfusions....we've already planned my discharge as my doctors have requested....my dad will be acting as my primary caregiver...his job is to dictate what I can and can't do...that's when I start rehabilitation...I'll need to check in with the hospital for blood tests and other exams weekly...I'll need to see my transplant team every day...it could take a year Jason...for my immune system and blood count levels to be normal...I could get infections or have lung, kidney, heart problems or even another type of cancer as a result...I've gone through this shit once before... I know treatment probably saved me last time but I don't think I can go through all that shit again. I've never felt so sick and looked it to. Sometimes you just get so sick of fighting."
"Don't say that" I beg, "I'll be here every step of the way"
"I'm going to miss out on so much school" she groans, "I might have to repeat a year"
"No, you won't" I shake my head, "we're going to graduate together...you hear me...every day after school I will come to your place and give you your notes...I'll tutor you if I have to and I promise that you will graduate with the rest of us"
"Don't make promises you can't keep" she finally looks at me.
"I never do" I reassure as touching her long waist length, chestnut brown hair. "Take it off"
Jess sighs before nodding. She removes her black knit cap, then her wig. Suddenly I am exposed to her bald head. How did I not realize she's been wearing a wig this entire time?
"Terrible, huh" she struggles to smile.
"You shouldn't be hiding this" I sigh.
"And have to deal with everybody's cancer face" Jess rolls her eyes, "please"
"Seriously...you shouldn't be ashamed" I sigh, "...is Tyler okay?"
Tyler's her donor. He's going into all this with her.
"He's fine....ready to go through with the procedure once again" she sighs, "i feel so guilty, you know? He gets put under so they can take the marrow from the back of his pelvic bone...over and over they'll stick him with a needle till they get ten percent...it takes weeks Jason, to get back to normal and in this time he's gotta use some drugs to heal...it's bad enough I've got to deal with this, but now Tyler too? It's not fair. He shouldn't have to."
"And you both have been keeping this a secret for years?" I sigh as my heart begins to ache.
"Telling people makes it more real. At least with you guys I can pretend there's nothing wrong." Jess shrugs.
I wrap my arms around Jess. How did I not know? I thought that Jess and Tyler had such easy lives. I thought that apart from their parent's divorce, nothing bad had ever happened.
Little did I know that Tyler is giving his cousin bone marrow, and Jess has been suffering from AML for the second time in life.
"I'm sorry," I say, "....don't ever feel like you can't tell me something"
"Same goes for you Jason," she nods.
"Let's take you home, yeah" I smile. "Now promise you won't do anything stupid"
"I promise" she laughs.
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A/N
AML (Acute myeloid leukaemia) is a type of cancer of the blood and bone marrow with excess immature white blood cells.
Symptoms include: fatigue, recurrent infections and bruising easily.
People may also experience: fatigue, fever, or loss of appetite, bleeding, bruising, infection, pallor, red spots on skin, or shortness of breath.
Thank you