CW: This story deals with mental health issues including trauma, depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. Please read at your own discretion.
The moon, the moon trapped in a frozen lake,
And I, gazing upon it, a wandering shadow.
Neither whistling leaf nor wailing wind a sound make,
There is only I, sinking in ice-cold sorrow.
--- J.
Kang Jihoon was starting to believe he was a masochist.
Why else would he be out this snowy evening, braving Shanghai's rush hour traffic to see a woman who didn't even want to see him?
Because he enjoyed torturing himself, of course. In fact, he enjoyed it so much, he once clung to an agonizing relationship for so long he ended up killing...
Jihoon stomped on the brakes of his thoughts, as he parked his car in a quiet alley along the Old French Concession. While he sat in the dark, a familiar ache made its insidious presence known. Tiny needles into his chest. Jihoon swallowed a numbing gulp of air, then blinked several times to moisten his gritty eyes.
He wasn't going down that road again. Not right now at least. For now, he was intent on finding a distraction. Something to delay having to go back to his empty apartment where he'd have to face another tortuous battle with sleep, or more precisely, the lack thereof. If that meant wasting his time in traffic and challenging his would-be yoga teacher, then so be it.
Running away from your problems again? A coward and a masochist.
Ah, there she was again. Even though he'd left his shrink back in the US, her voice—no, his projection of her voice—had followed him all the way to China.
"So what?" he grumbled.
What right did she have to mock him?
More importantly, why was he fighting with a voice in his head? Perhaps sleep deprivation had finally driven him insane.
Grabbing his trench coat from the passenger seat, Jihoon shrugged his frame into its soft confines and hastened out of his car. At once, a freezing gust of wind ruffled his carefully styled hair, tugging a handful down his forehead. Jihoon attempted to smooth it back, but the stubborn strands refused to stay put. Suppressing a sigh, he shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat and made his way down a narrow alley, flanked with red-bricked buildings.
Dull light spilling from apartment windows and storefronts illuminated a shadowy path where French Phoenix trees towered, their slender trucks gleaming silver. Stripped bare by winter, thin branches spread open like fingers perpetually worshipping the night. Meanwhile, flurries waltzed their way down --- tiny fairies descending from the sky.
One landed on his cheek.
Jihoon wiped it away then paused to retrieve his phone. His mother was going to love this view. Having lived away from her hometown for decades, she was always eager to see bits and pieces of it, while relaying how things have changed over the years. Jihoon quickly snapped several photos before tucking his freezing hands back into his pockets and continuing his stroll.
A few feet away, he spotted a profusion of plum blossoms dusted with snow spilling over a low brick wall. With his destination in sight, a smile tugged at the corner of Jihoon's lips. The first time he went there, he hadn't been able to set even a foot inside. A woman bundled up in a down jacket, who he assumed to be Hu Yingyue, had met him at the gate. After exchanging the customary greetings, her eyes widened into saucers. She then gave him a really long once over and shoved the door shut in his face. While he stood there trying to comprehend what had happened, he received a WeChat message announcing that classes were canceled. No further explanations nor replies were given.
If he was any other person, then her rude behavior would have rightly offended him. Yet, his sense of humor had always verged on the peculiar, so he was unsurprised to find himself not only faintly amused but also wildly curious.
Even a week after that bizarre incident, Jihoon still couldn't understand what had happened. He had run through the brief encounter in his head multiple times but found no logical explanation. Because Jihoon had a tendency to obsess over puzzles until he figured them out, he was back to give it another shot.
When he finally reached his destination, he shivered, partly from the cold but mostly in anticipation. This time around, Jihoon was determined to make it past that door. After pressing on the doorbell, he rubbed his palms together and waited.
Tonight was going to be fun.
Yingyue hated the moon.
If she could scoop it out of the sky and throw it down a bottomless lake, she'd do it in a heartbeat. Whenever that sickly pale orb showed its full form and cast its stolen light upon the earth, tragedy struck.
Like tonight.
One step, and then another, Yingyue dragged her boots against the snow-covered ground towards the indigo door insulating her from the rest of the world. The few meters separating the front door from the courtyard walls seemed to have lengthened by several kilometers.
Had it always been this way?
She gauged how far she had to go, tracing the path marked out by red lanterns strung above her head, but her vision wavered. Everything appeared to be trapped inside a dewdrop, sometimes shimmering, mostly wobbling.
Ding dong.
The sharp sound pierced the silence, reminding her of what had lured her out in the first place on a night when she'd rather be snuggled under a warm blanket. Winter was another thing she hated. Yingyue couldn't stand the cold.
It must be one of my students.
She was sure she sent out an announcement that classes were canceled, though. Was it possible some did not see it in time? She should have posted in the morning when her stomach ache started, but she thought it would eventually be banished by the pain reliever she took. Apparently not.
"I'm coming!"
Yingyue hastened her steps, but a stabbing pain halted her progress and caused her to double over. Clutching the right side of her body where the intensity was at its worst, she waited for the crippling wave to recede in its intensity.
Was it something she ate?
Even as she asked the question, she knew the probability of that being the issue was extremely low. She cooked all her meals from scratch using ingredients delivered by an online organic grocery store she'd been using for years. If not food poisoning, though, then what could it possibly be?
It couldn't be anything serious. Otherwise, she'd have to go to the hospital. Her heart raced at the possibility until she struggled to breathe. She hadn't stepped out of her house since...
She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut.
No, nothing was wrong. She was fine.
She had to be.
Pulling herself up, Yingyue hurled her body forward, knees shaking at the effort. When she neared her destination, a biting blast of wind slapped against her face. She gritted her teeth, clutching her hood tight against her neck. That was when she realized she was burning, her body uncomfortably warm despite the frigid weather.
Medicine. She needed more medicine.
Ding Dong.
But first, she needed to get rid of whoever was outside. Drawing on her last reserves, she trudged along, every step a knife pierced deep against her side. Yet, she was determined to make it.
You have to go on. Her mother's voice suddenly floated in her head. Promise me, you won't give up.
"I promise," Yingyue mumbled, tears pooling in her eyes.
After a marathon, she landed against the door, her shoulder bearing the brunt of her weight. Yingyue gasped.
"Miss Hu, is that you?"
A muffled voice filtered through the barrier. She opened her mouth to reply, but instead, a loud cry escaped her lips.
Another wave, stronger than the last, had taken her by surprise. Yingyue sunk to the ground, submerging under an ocean of physical agony. Lower and lower she went until her palms touched ice.
"Miss Hu? What's wrong? Are you okay?" The man, who was now banging against the door, might as well be pounding her head.
"Stop it!" she hissed.
"Miss Hu, are you sure you're okay?"
Judging by how her insides were being scraped by nails and roasted in hellfire, she was definitely not okay.
"Open the door, please?"
Right, she needed to open the door, but her limbs were limp. No matter how hard she tried, they refused to move. Besides, it was getting more and more difficult to open her eyes. Yingyue decided to sleep. Just for a while. Just until she felt all right again.
The sound of rustling leaves filtered through her consciousness. Then, a loud thud shook the ground.
"Miss Hu!"
Did she manage to open the door after all? Because whoever was outside seemed to have found his way in. She split her eyes open a crack to see who it was and a masculine face swam above her.
It was him. The man who wouldn't stay out of her dreams.
Was she dreaming then?
Something cool pressed against her forehead then made its way down her cheek and neck. When it moved away, she clung to it.
"Hot, so hot..." She squirmed, trying to strip her coat off.
"You have a fever. I need to...."
The next thing she knew, she was floating, her body weightless as it drifted in the air. The invigorating scent of coffee tickled her nose. She sought the source and having found it, snuggled against its comforting aroma. All that movement only aggravated the pain.
Yingyue clenched her fist against his coat.
"Hang in there," he whispered.
"I can't," she sobbed. "I hurt too much."
She'd been hanging in here for too long. There was no way she could endure more.
"You can," he insisted. "I'm here now. You'll be okay soon."
"Promise?"
Yingyue once again pried her eyes open, desperately wanting to believe. Yet shadows now engulfed him. Instead, all she saw was the moon still shimmering above, a luminescent pearl dropped in an indigo lake.
Like the moon, she was sinking.
And because Yingyue could no longer hold on, she let go.
☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾ ☽ ☾
Author's note:
Merry Christmas! This is my little present for you all. It took me forever to write this chapter because I had so much self-doubt, but today, I decided to just go for it. That way, I have no more excuse to procrastinate and I can motivate myself to write. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter and if you spot any mistakes, please help me by pointing them out.
Also, thank you to ReeReverie for making the banner below! She captured exactly what I wanted and even made it better!
If you guys want to volunteer to make banners, then please feel free to send a message. I'll be happy to dedicate a chapter to you and give you a shout in exchange for the banner. Thank you!