"WHEN THE LIGHT LEAVES, i cling to the thought of your face, that somehow, will always keep me sane. i try to remember the way your eyes used to crinkle when you smiled at me and how your fingers would always tuck themselves into mine. it was my favorite thing about being with you. we never talked about our pasts or what it meant for us. all we ever knew was that we were there, together in our own small world, and nothing would take away the feeling of warmth that came from knowing someone like you was there to hold me. you are such a good friend. sometimes, i wonder why you even bother to be around with me. do you realize how much you've done for me, that you even risked your life because of me? do you know how much this feels like a dream? it broke me when i witnessed the light in your eyes slowly fades away." —H.R
RAN
the sun had set hours ago, and still the city was alive with lights and the sounds of music. the air outside was cool from the recent snowfall that had coated the sidewalks and streets, leaving them slick enough for people to slip as they walked or ride their bicycles along the streetcars that would take anyone anywhere in the city. people were enjoying this rare moment of peace, enjoying this quiet hour before dawn when it was still light out, and the city went back to normal when everyone else went to bed. it was a peaceful time of year, when the world around them seemed almost peaceful and peaceful was a good way to describe what happened next.
there wasn't any moon in the sky tonight, but the stars were still shining brightly, and the streetlights provided some lighting. it was a perfect night for stargazing, a perfect opportunity to view the shining stars. there were thousands upon thousands of constellations above the city, which glowed like glowing embers in the blackness. a perfect time for anyone, except me. i stood alone under the cover of darkness, staring at the night sky through the window, the room lit only by dim lights emanating from various sources, including the lamp next on the hospital bed. everything looked small through the window, a tiny speck in the middle of a large city. it felt like a tiny island in a big ocean, surrounded by millions of others like it, yet lonely on its own in the darkness. it felt so isolated, despite being surrounded by everything in the universe.
"they won't be happy seing you in a state like this." a monotone voice filled the quite room, followed by a sudden flash of bright light illuminating the otherwise darkened room. the light caused my pupils to dilate momentarily before returning to normal, as the brightness slowly vanished. it was then i saw the woman standing in the doorway, her hands clasped together tightly, worry clear in her eyes. she is beautiful, breathtakingly so, with long flowing locks of black hair cascading down her back and shoulders, her brown iris shining brightly against her pale skin as if she doesn't have any blood inside her. "how so cruel to rate the great game of fate. it is a shame that one could never live their life to its fullest. such a pity," her tone was soft, yet cold as ice. her words echoed in the empty room, her words carrying the weight of a thousand words and more. her eyes held sympathy for my plight, an emotion which was not present in those of many other people. "the universe has planned so many things for you. how can you ever win against such odds?" she questioned.
i shook my head lightly, looking up at her with eyes full of regret. "you will never be successful if your actions do not reflect your true nature. we are doomed to fail. we will never win. no matter what we do, no matter where we run, our life will end." my voice was barely audible, barely above a whisper, as if i am afraid someone would hear me. a feeling of helplessness overcame me.
"no one knows what is truly right. you cannot know what will happen unless you let the dice fall where they may." the female stepped forward, closing the distance between us. "you should rest now, for tomorrow you will begin anew."
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i spent sleepless nights contemplating what was happening. what did the future hold for me? was my entire existence merely a game of fate? it was not until recently that the thought of such a thing crossed my mind. a feeling of despair overwhelmed me each time, and the loneliness i felt grew more intense each day. how could the universe play such an intricate trick on me and put me through hell all in just a night? what kind of sick twisted game was this? why was i here, in this dark, sterile room, suffering so much while others lived lives that were much brighter and fuller than mine, and had much more purpose than i had? the questions swirled round in my brain, and sometimes i felt suffocated by the pressure from all the unanswered questions plaguing me. it all made no sense, none of it.
it had been a week since the incident happened yet, i could still hear the echoes of my cries bouncing around my brain and making me wonder. my throat tightened every time i tried to swallow, even when i didn't need to, my stomach churning uncomfortably. my heart pounded loudly every time i got close to sleep. my fingers trembled violently whenever i closed my eyes, as if expecting a sudden rush of pain. my nightmares were vivid, and i often woke up screaming from images i couldn't quite remember, or even if they happened at all. i could feel panic rising within me, and knew that my fear was well justified.
"tell me, why do you collect a lot of hyacinth flowers?" a voice spoke from behind, bringing me out of my dazed thoughts. my breathing became shallow as i turned to face the female who suddenly broke into my thoughts. something about her reminded me of a spider, watching its prey carefully, waiting for the moment it moves in order to strike. i could tell it was she who i feared.
"what business does that have with you?" my eyes narrowed slightly, glaring at her distrustfully. i couldn't help but wonder if she was part of this twisted game. after all, the universe had orchestrated this whole ordeal, so why would she interfere if she wasn't going to play a role in it? my eyes softened slightly as i realized that was an unrealistic assumption.
"i'm curious!"
"blue hyacinths signifies three meanings. one is regret, two is sincerity and three is constancy. these three meanings correspond roughly to the emotions i am currently experiencing. my current feelings are... mixed," i replied simply, turning away from her, facing the window once more. i stared up at the night sky, tracing the shapes on the clouds, admiring the patterns of stars littering the heavens above. it brought me comfort, in the midst of my anxiety over how i was going to survive another few days.
"you're really interesting, you make this very hard to read." her lips stretched into a sly smile, revealing her sharp canines. "i mean, i've known many fascinating people throughout my life, but your story is intriguing itself. i have a million questions i want to ask you, but i think i'd rather hear from you than ask you questions. it's not often i get to talk to a person who isn't a therapist or psychiatrist, afterall."
"and you, on the other hand, are very strange."
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"he's awake." the female next to me announced, as my gaze shot upward. his purple eyes shone with excitement, his gaze focused intently on the young man lying motionlessly in the hospital bed. the medical equipment surrounding the bed and his monitors told me everything i needed to know. rindou was alive, albeit unconscious for a whole lot of week. it took all the doctors in the hospital to save him. he lost too much blood, too much damage to the organs, and they had done all they could. the doctor said his chances of survival were slim to none, and the span of his life were shortened. "i'll be heading outside to let you bond together in private, bye!"
i could feel bile burning my throat from hearing the news of him waking up, of him being alive. i couldn't believe it. i was so happy, yet so devastated at the same time. i wanted to cry, yet found myself unable to shed a single tear. the purple-haired male slowly blinked, his eyelids fluttering open for a mere second before his eyes moved slowly along the walls of his hospital room, taking in every detail of the room that surrounded him. soft smile spread across my face, his gaze locking with mine.
he opened his mouth, trying to speak, yet failed miserably, struggling to keep his eyes open, which had become progressively heavier by the minute. "where... y/n..?" it came out like a weak whisper, a hint of concern lacing his expression. he was clearly exhausted beyond comprehension, yet managed to maintain a small semblance of composure. i leaned over the bed towards the man, placing my palm gently on his hands.
"s-she's no longer with us. i'm sorry for having to say that." the warmth emanating from his body seemed to bring some relief to the cold sensation invading my own body, the warmth causing me to relax somewhat. the pain was beginning to recede somewhat, but not completely. i didn't know what to say. "she was found in a pool of blood, just meters away from your body. sanzu was found dead too." his expression contorted into a look of shock and sorrow for a split second before a determined gaze replaced that look. there was no point in denying it anymore.
my words must have struck a chord within him, as he shut his eyes tightly, tears threatening to escape the corners. i noticed a faint tremor ripple through his frame as tears streamed relentlessly down his cheeks. he looked like an utter wreck; a sight that made me feel both sad and angry at the same time. his expression turned solemn as he raised his head and met my gaze. "the... weight of everything is finally getting heavy... i can't move my whole body." rindou cried. he tried to lift his right arm upwards, only to let out a pained cry when he attempted to lift his arm up so far, only to drop it limply to the side. he then began crying even harder, as tears continued flowing down his reddened cheeks. my gaze trailed from his face, down to his chest.
"hey, don't force it." i spoke.
"brother..."
"yes?"
"the dream i experienced was fun... it felt so real. maybe that's why i enjoyed it so much... because the dreams that i have in the past were always pretty dull... everyone in my dreams were happy, no problems to worry... you know, i dreamt of me and y/n walking through the aisle while you were standing beside me holding a bouquet of blue hyacinths and wearing a bright smile. she looked absolutely beautiful... it was like our life in another universe." the male smiled, reminiscing his dream. his eyes sparkled with happiness, but something in his eyes seemed different... he seemed different than he did the last time i had seen him. a slight change in his demeanor made me notice the difference. a tiny bit of hope flickered inside of my heart, and i tried to ignore it.
"that sounds wonderful, rindou."
"brother, i never got to say this before but, i love you. please take care of yourself... ." rindou's eyes filled with tears as he reached out to grab onto the hand that rested atop of his own.
"i love you too, rindou. i'll be fine. we'll all be okay. you just focus on getting better."
"but, i'm going on a date with y/n... she's waiting for me..."
with that, a loud sound of beeping echoed throughout the whole room.
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"may the two of you rest in peace together." a gentle voice rang out through the silent void, followed by two sets of footsteps retreating into silence once more. my hand shook slightly as i clutched onto the bouquet, feeling a lump form in my throat, choking me with emotions i tried to suppress. i couldn't stop the onslaught of thoughts swirling around my mind, and the images of your faces together resurfaced before my eyes.
it had been exactly a year when your death was announced, along with rindou. a lot of character development dawned upon me during last year; a drastic change in the way we saw things changed drastically and irreversibly, as if we were reborn anew. our lives weren't supposed to be like this. now, it seems that life was changing too fast for anyone's liking. the changes were overwhelming and sudden, and it would have taken someone like me, a normal human being, a long time to fully assimilate and accept them. i didn't know how to act like i normally do after experiencing such an extreme event that should have been impossible to come by.
"y/n never got to know that rindou's still alive after her death. do you think she took her own life after assuming that he's already dead? in a span of a week, we've lost three lives." the female next to me dressed in a black outfit inquired as we stood in front of the grave of my brother, and his almost lover, y/n. she was staring at me intensely with those wide brown orbs.
i chuckled, "knowing her, she probably had to finish her goal before doing it."
"what a tragic end." she pouted, placing a bouquet in front of y/n's grave.
"come to think of it, i've known you for a year, yet, you didn't bothered to tell me your name." i pointed out, looking up at the girl next to me. i still couldn't help but wonder if she liked women too, although she hadn't expressed any interest to me in the first place. she looked quite mature, though; her facial features were pleasing enough, her hair a beautiful shade of black and wavy, her skin clear with light freckles scattered across it. she seemed kind too, unlike most people who i knew.
"you never bothered to ask me, though." she countered, flashing me a warm smile.
"seriously, i've been with you for a whole year and you still didn't notice? wake up from the nightmare, ran haitani. you've been hallucinating, and i, am one of it."
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