Clarke lay on her side, staring at the wall which was littered with sketches of Lexa. It was almost a full year since the flame went missing, almost a full year since Lexa's grave was invaded.
She could still remember how she found it. Dug up and robbed, nothing left but the headstone and a dip in the ground. Who would do that?
She felt a shift in her bed from behind her, and the tired sigh that followed it. Niylah leant over her, finding her in the same state she was in every time they slept together: staring at the wall and thinking of Lexa.
"Hey" Niylah whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder. Clarke looked up at her.
Clarke knew Niylah was a good woman. Even though she was fully aware that Clarke still loved Lexa, she stayed every night for as long as she needed. She would be by her side in war, she would help patch her up after a fight gone wrong, and she would follow her back to her room without a question. But she wasn't her.
She wasn't Lexa.
"Hey" Clarke whispered back. She wasn't entirely sure what time it was, but judging by the light which shone through the windows, it was later into the morning than she had hoped. She pushed herself up to sit at the edge of the bed, running a hand through her hair.
"She would be proud of you, you know." Niylah said softly, moving to sit behind her.
Clarke felt her fingertips carefully tracing the fresh ink on her shoulder blade. The tattoo had been imbedded amongst her skin by no other than Lincoln himself. Clarke was aware of his artistic skills, and asked him to be the one to do it. Often when Clarke felt alone, and Niylah was... unavailable, she would go to Lincoln. The two of them would spend hours discussing their artworks and exchanging techniques. It was a good distraction from her responsibilities, and just a good pass time in general.
But once again, it wasn't Lexa...
"I hope so."
"I know so" Niylah responded quickly "Lexa would be so, so proud of you, Clarke. She would have wanted you to do what was best for both of your people. And for you."
Clarke turned to face the other blonde, a small frown etched between her brows "But Pike is still alive."
"He is yes" Niylah smiled and leant closer to Clarke "but not for long"
Clarke allowed a small smile to play on her lips and she leant back against Niylah.
"I know how hard this is for you, Clarke. I know... I know I'm not her. That's okay. You loved her. And I'm going to help you as much as I can to bring Pike down with you. Lexa... she didn't deserve what happened, and neither did you."
Clarke quickly stood up to dress herself. Everything that Niylah was telling her was already blatantly obvious to her, and all she wanted to do was finish getting dressed and wonder into another day with Lexa pushed as far away to the back of her mind. Even so, she would still be the only thing she could think about.
She swung a shirt over her head and looked over her shoulder to Niylah, who sat with her bare body covered with bed sheets.
"You should go." Clarke said, then realised the rude tone in her own voice. She quickly attempted to follow it up with a reasonable explanation "I have a meeting with Octavia. We have a good plan to-"
"Clarke" Niylah cut her off as she rose from the bed "It's okay"
Clarke nodded, more to herself than to Niylah. She grabbed her rifle which balanced against the wall in the corner of her room, and opened the door.
She left without another word.
Clarke knew it was wrong to do what she was doing, luring Niylah back to her room whenever she felt like it. The fact that the other woman would follow without question made her wonder if it was out of pity. Because every time Clarke was hurting, turning up outside of her door with tear stains on her face from another nightmare, she would just smile and hold out her hand. Even before... even before Lexa was gone, when Clarke needed to distract herself from her own actions at mount weather, Niylah openly welcomed her. To say it was strange was an understatement.
Clarke pushed open the door to their meeting room to find Octavia stood, already adorned in her red warpaint. She looked up from the table and straightened from beside Abby.
"Clarke" she said "where were you? We were ready to leave without you."
Clarke sighed "I know, I know. I slept in. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Clarke" Luna raised her voice. She was leant against the wall beside Raven, supporting the mechanic who's leg appeared to be abnormally sore. It was evident in the way she slumped ever so slightly, avoiding putting any weight on her paralysed leg.
"Anyways..." Abby looked at each individual stood in the room "We need to talk"
"About what?" Clarke frowned as she settled into her chair at the far end of the table. She felt comfortable there, far in the corner where she was the last to be spoken to... most of the time.
"We sent out a hunting group a few days ago. Pike managed to get his hands on them." Abby sat down across from her.
"Are they in Polis?" Clarke asked. If they had been captured, Pike's first instinct would have been to take them to the most protected place he had. Polis. Polis, which had once been Lexa's home; what she had fought for since she rose to command. Now it belonged to her enemy.
"That's the thing. They're not"
Clarke raised an eyebrow and sat back in her chair "what do you mean?"
"They're safe, and back home. Right here in this building"
"But how? I thought you said they were captured?"
"Exactly." Abby leant forward "somebody helped them. I don't know who it was, but someone helped."
"How do you know?"
"They told us. They described them as a lone rebel. Dressed in black with a mask covering their features, so we'll never really know who it was. For all we know, it could be someone on Pike's side finally realising what he really is." Abby said
"Their aid has grown over the few months that we have been aware of them. There have been more cases where our people have been captured and they have just jumped out of nowhere and helped them escape" Luna added "I think we should set them up."
"What are you talking about?"
"Snatch them. We bring them back here, and find out exactly what they're trying to achieve."
"That sounds barbaric." Abby said in disgust.
"It sounds smart" Octavia nodded "we don't know what they want, or if there even on our side"
"They clearly are! Why else would they help us?" Abby exclaimed
Clarke scratched her chin with a deep sigh "we're heading into Polis today, right?"
"Undercover of course" Octavia nodded "why?"
"Because if they're really as alone as they say they are, of course their only pass time would be drinking. Besides, what better way to get information on war than in a bar?"
The women of the room all sat in silence as they lost themselves in their own thoughts. What Clarke was suggesting, going to a bar undercover in the middle of Polis to find a strange rebel who may or may not even be there, was preposterous. Insane.
"Yeah, let's do it."
"I'm in"
"Yep"
"Alright then. Let's go."
There was a sincere amount of comedy shared between them as their words overlapped. Luna even went so far as to crack a smile. The frizzy haired brunette clapped her hands together and pushed away from the wall.
"Well then, let's go get geared up. It's probably best to go tonight than today"
"Agreed." Octavia nodded, following her to the door "Oh and Clarke?"
"Hmm?"
"No distractions please. Not this time."
Clarke looked down to her feet and nodded.
Last time they had all left together in an act of war, Clarke couldn't get Lexa out of her head. She still couldn't. But back then... then it hurt like hell. Soon enough the pain had transformed into a type of numbness which made Clarke wish the pain was still there. At least then, she could feel something.
Almost three years after losing Lexa, it still tore her apart to think about her.
So when Luna was hurt after taking a lucky hit from a sword, Clarke couldn't handle it. The dark blood which spilled from Luna's cut was the blood type she shared with Lexa: nightblood. The last memory she had of seeing it, was with Lexa bleeding out in her arms with a pool of black surrounding them. She could still remember how it felt when it seeped into her clothes.
A single drop of Luna's blood had triggered a waterfall in Clarke's eyes, like some idiot inside her head decided to turn of the tap to her tears and let it run for an hour. She had sobbed into her mothers shoulder for the entirety of that hour.
Truth be told, Clarke still missed Lexa like hell.
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That night, in the rover, Clarke spoke up. She had never once opened up about Lexa. Yes, she had accepted kind words from other people when it came to them talking about Lexa. But all she ever did was nod and move on. But now, perched in the backseat, squeezed in beside Luna, she spoke.
"I loved her so much."
It was nearly a whisper, but she gave it enough force to be heard by everyone in the rover. Luna shifted from beside her, angling her body towards the blonde to pay more attention to her.
"We know" Abby, who sat across from them on the other side of the rover, said softly.
"It should have been me" she added. It was true. If Lexa hadn't have blocked the path of the flying bullet, Clarke would have been the one dying. Not Lexa.
"She couldn't go through losing someone like that again" Luna set a hand on Clarke's back to offer a small amount of comfort "She loved Costia, Clarke. But you... she was in love with you"
Raven nodded and continued from where Luna had left off "She cared so much for you Clarke. I've never seen someone so in love. Everything she did, she did it for you. To make up for what she did to you. And to show you that she did love you. You could see it."
Clarke looked down. The dark shadows in the rover managed to hide the tears beginning to swell in her eyes.
"Clarke." Abby shuffled closer from her seat to talk to her daughter "That day, Lexa was not sure if she would make it out of there alive. She told me something that day, and... I didn't know how to tell you."
"Tell me what, mom?"
"Clarke, leaving you at the mountain was her biggest regret. She told me then and there that she would have done anything to go back and change her mind."
She leant back in her seat, back against the cold metal. God, Clarke even wanted to go back. To share her first kiss with Lexa again, inside her tent before the beginning of the war on mount weather. She would make sure to do it right that time, and not turn the girl she loved down like she had. It would have given her so much more time with her.
So much more time to feel her soft lips against her own, and to trace the ink that was spread across her back and across her arm.
It would have given her so much more time to wake up to Lexa's warm smile, and bright, beautiful, bashful green eyes.
Clarke would give anything for one more day with her.
"I wish I could bring her back. It's been almost three years, and I still can't stop thinking about her." Clarke rested a hand to her forehead.
It was Octavia's turn now to reach over in a comforting manor, and rest her hand upon Clarke's shoulder.
"It doesn't matter how long it's been, Clarke. You loved her. And you always will."
"I wish she was here..."
Octavia let out a small chuckle "She probably is. Sat there, watching over you, making sure you're not getting yourself killed." Octavia glanced up at Luna who exchanged a smile back "That stubborn bitch wouldn't give up on you even if she tried"
Clarke smacked her arm, glaring "she was not a bitch!"
Octavia quickly moved back, thinking she had hit a nerve and triggered the anger inside Clarke. But when she caught sight of the small smile playing on the blonde's lips, she relaxed again.
"But she was a little overprotective"
"A little?" Luna chuckled "Clarke, you don't even know half of it"
The tense air finally thinned out inside the stuffed and cramped space of the rover. Clarke finally felt like a little piece of herself had been relieved after talking with the people closest to her. Now she felt more comfortable to talk about Lexa without her heart breaking in two, and she was eager to find out more about the commander as they spoke.
"Tell me more, Luna" she grinned.
It was in that moment, as Luna launched into old tales of a young Lexa in training, that Clarke made a silent promise. To both herself and Lexa, that she would do better. She would do better for their people, and for their friends who were always there for them.
Yes. She promised to do better.
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HEY GUYS!
Obviously I'm not home yet, so I haven't had time to make a better book cover. I don't know if I'll change it, or keep the one that's up now.
So I know you didn't like how the last book ended...
Whoops.
But anyway I hope you like this one! There's lots to come! And thank you so much if you came from the last book. Honestly, I didn't think many people would continue on to this book. So I hope at least some of you try. Haha.
I decided to post this early, after all, ITS CHRISTMAS!
SO HERES YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM ME TO YOU!
Please point out any mistakes I've made, vote, and comment to let me know what you think! I'll accept it all and reply! Promise!
Song is Already gone by Sleeping At Last