Vikk's P.O.V.
The others didn't notice much. They didn't notice anything really, even when I stopped talking outside of recording videos, even when I stopped eating, even when the scars appeared on my wrists and I didn't bother to cover them, even when I talked about taking my own life.
The only light in my life was Lachlan, my closest friend and crush, he did really care about me and often asked me how I was doing, trying to record with me as often as possible. I loved being around him and he was probably the only reason that I was still around.
I knew that I didn't take care of myself. Ever since I had gotten into YouTube I almost didn't have the time to take care of myself, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't shower, I barely had the energy to record and edit without collapsing and although my housemates didn't notice, Lachlan certainly did.
He asked me one day just as we finished recording.
"Vikk, are you taking care of yourself?" I blinked, unsure of what I should answer. It wasn't like I could just... tell him.
"Yeah...?" I questioned, "why wouldn't I be?"
He raised one eyebrow.
"Vikk... I'm really getting worried about you. You don't sleep, from what I've heard from the others you don't sleep, you look exhausted and can't concentrate. The other boys say you don't talk at all outside of recording for god's sake!" He cried, fiercely rubbing his eyes.
I sighed and leaned back into the chair, a little shaken. I didn't want to tell him, I couldn't tell him, so instead I said nothing.
"Please Vikk?" He pleaded. "I'm scared for your health."
"No." I said.
I hung up the call and logged out of my Skype, making sure that he could call me back. I then muted all my notifications on my phone and my computer, stood up and locked my door so the guys couldn't barge into my room and sat back down, ready for a long night of editing.
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I barely left my room for an entire week. I had a bathroom connected to my room so the only reason I had to leave was for food, and even then I went downstairs at 3am to avoid the other boys because I didn't want to talk to them.
I recorded solo videos the whole time, never even unmuting my notifications or logging back into Skype. The only tweets I posted were automatic ones from when I uploaded, I didn't like any tweets or reply to anything, I didn't even check my social media.
There was a lot of messages and missed calls from Lachlan but I didn't read them, I didn't want to.
I barely slept, maybe 2 hours a night at the most. It was the last thing I wanted to do, lie still and let my thoughts run wild, especially as I knew that all I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up again. Now that I wasn't in contact with Lachlan, I didn't know if I could keep going.
At one point I was so exhausted and weak that the trip from my chair to the bathroom was too much, I fainted only a foot from my bed and was out of action for three or four hours. I didn't remember much, I just remembered drifting in and out of consciousness for quite a while, my body heavy.
I was editing another video when I heard a knock at my door through my headphones. I ignored it, pushing on.
A few minutes later there was another knock accompanied by a soft voice and reluctantly I pulled my headphones off my head, listening to what they had to say. It was Josh.
"Vikk? Please, open the door." His voice shook. "We're all scared for you, it's- it's almost like you're trying to kill yourself through work." I rolled my eyes and pushed my headphones back on my head.
They didn't care before, why would they care now. They didn't notice when I was at my lowest, they didn't see when I was about to take my own life. Now that I was trying, why should I listen to them?
A few hours later I was lying on my bed, after 48 hours without sleep I thought I might be tired enough to fall asleep without wanting to put a blade to my wrist. It didn't take long before I knew that sleep was impossible and I dug my nails into my wrist to stop myself from crying.
Visions of my nightmares swum before my eyes, shadows turned into monsters in the corners of my room. I sat up in bed and cried, my sobs echoing in the silence and my thoughts twisting into irrational messages that I wanted to act on.
I was two steps from falling from the edge of the cliff that I had been balanced on for my entire life. I took those last two steps on my own.
And as I held that bottle of pills in my hand, the prescription medication that I never took because it caused the hallucinations to grow out of control, I fell.
But I didn't look back.
I'm not that mean.
. maybe I am.
;)
"NO!" He cried, wrenching the bottle from my hands just as my shaking fingers undid the cap. I stumbled back, falling to the floor and my head hit the carpet pretty hard.
My vision blurred for a few seconds, my exhaustion and weakness meaning I couldn't even keep my eyes open. He crouched by my side, his hand in mine, his voice hardly making its way to my ears. The words didn't register.
Eventually the world came back.
"Vikk?" His shaky words made their way to my brain, warbled and faint. "Please. I don't want to lose you."
"My life isn't worth it Lachlan." I whispered, my voice strained and weak. "I can't keep going anymore. I've tried for so long but I don't have anything in me to keep trying. It's hopeless." I closed my eyes. "I'm hopeless."
He lifted my head from his shoulder, his finger resting delicately under his chin.
"You are not hopeless Vikk." He whispered, his bright blue eyes staring into mine. They were unfairly pretty and I had always been jealous of how amazing his eyes were. "Your life is worth it, I promise you that."
"It's not Lachlan and no matter what you say I'm not going to believe you." He cuddled me close, a tear dripping from his eyes and falling onto my arm.
"Vikk just... please, listen to me for a little bit." He took in a deep and shaky breath. "You are the most amazing person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and I can't loose you, not now. I know you don't want to be here but I will do everything I can to help you. It won't go away over night."
I listened intently, still unsure of what he was trying to say.
"I-I-" He stumbled over his words. He was crying again.
"Lachy?" I whispered, my voice high and child-like. "Don't cry... please."
He sniffled, his fingers trembling. He could tell I was scared but he was scared too and I knew I couldn't comfort him.
"I know how you feel about me Vikk." He said, starkly, tears still falling from his eyes. I gulped but he gave me a little smile, his fingers pushing a strand of hair behind my ears. "And I feel the same."
"Re-really?" I mumbled, startled.
"Yes." He said, wiping his eyes. He was smiling now. "I love you Vikk and I want to help you. You need time and you need someone by your side. I was to be that person."
This time it was me who was crying, my jaw trembling and my entire body wracked with sobs. Lachlan hugged me tightly, letting me press my head into his shoulder.
"Vikk?" I hummed. "Do you trust me?"
"Of course I trust you." I whispered.
"Will you let me try then? Will you try?" I nodded.
"Yes. I will." He smiled and tilted my face up by placing a finger under my chin.
He kissed me first, lightly and shyly, his lips barely brushing mine because he was so scared to push me. I was the one who actually pushed back, my hand on the back of his head, pulling him closer to me in a much more passionate and fierce kiss.
When we pulled away both of us flushed red and Lachlan looked away. I nestled myself in beside him, one of his hand automatically running through my hair and the other supporting my waist.
"Don't let life get you down Vikky." He whispered. "I'll always be here for you."