My heart felt warm the rest of the night, despite my shivering body. With my mind relaxed (and Loki no longer making noise), I managed to fall asleep quickly.
I was joyfully happy. I had some information that I could bring to Fury, I was on Loki's good side and he appeared to be on the verge of telling me more. Telling me everything. I told myself that that was the only reason I was beside myself with ecstasy. That my happiness had absolutely nothing to do with the hug.
But I knew it did.
I woke up the next morning. The day looked white and bright. Fresh snow had fallen. I turned onto my side and let out a tired groan, dreading to get out of my warm bed. I forced myself to anyways. My bare feet touched the cold floor and I curled my toes, uncomfortable. I hated the cold. After spending my youth in Russia, I was someone who could appreciate a nice warm home.
I walked toward my door and opened it. Loki was awake, on the couch, reading.
"Were you awake all night?" I asked, moving toward the coffee machine and making myself a cup.
"Yes." He replied while I took a sip of the fresh brew. I sighed in satisfaction as the warm drink rushed through my body.
"You're going to become nocturnal if you're not careful," I said with a grin.
He put down his book and stood up, a small smile on his face. I took another sip of my coffee to hide whatever blush might form on my face.
I hated the feelings I was feeling. Why was I feeling them at all? I shouldn't be. I wiped the stupid grin off my face to remind myself that the man standing in front of me was an alien from space that had murdered thousands. An alien. God, my life had become weird.
"How are you this morning?" He asked me as he approached. I put down the cup and crossed my arms, feeling more exposed the closer he got. I took a few steps away from him as he got nearer. I smiled at him to show that there was no hard feelings.
"I'm alright. It's freezing in this house."
"Oh, yes. I opened the windows." He replied and I glared at him. I glanced at the windows around the living room and saw that they were, indeed, open. I felt my face heat up despite the cold. I wondered what the guards stationed in front of my house would think of my casual, friendly conversation with Loki that did not involve any questioning about what happened to him after he came from Asgard.
"Why?" I asked angrily.
"It was hot." Loki replied, sounding confused.
"Well, now it's freezing. So, can we please close them?" I asked.
"Yes, yes." Loki said and followed suit when I began to close them.
When all of the windows were closed, I began to apologize for my sudden anger, but I felt at a loss for words. "I'm sorry, I just..." How would I explain to Loki that I didn't want anyone to know I was talking to him like a friend?
Loki swallowed. He wasn't looking at me. "It's...fine." He said after a second of hesitation. I wondered if he knew what my silence meant.
"Alright." I said uncertainly. I didn't want to upset Loki. Not when our relationship had been doing so well lately. Not when he was so close to telling me more. "I'm going to go make some calls."
He nodded curtly and I backed away toward my room.
I called Clint first. I wanted to make sure things were alright between us. I hadn't talked to him since yesterday in the car before I went to SHIELD, and he had been acting really distant then. It took a few rings before he finally picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Clint, it's Natasha."
"Hey, Nat. Is everything alright?" He asked me. I heard distant concern in his voice. Why was he being so distant with me lately. Or maybe he wasn't, and I was just being paranoid? My hesitation made him repeat his question "Nat?"
"Yes, yes. I'm fine. I just wanted to let you know that Loki..." I paused.
"Loki? What about him? What happened?" Clint sounded a bit more urgent now. I knew of his hate for the demigod, the desire to hurt Loki. I wondered if that's what was distancing myself from him. The fact that I wasn't hurting Loki on Clint's behalf was betrayal at its finest for everything Loki did to him.
"No, no, it's fine. I just...I got some information."
"Oh?" Clint sounded slightly more interested. "Well, is he planning anything?" How did I respond to that? I didn't even know myself. But, he has an army...of sorts.
"Yes." I responded.
"I knew it. That tricky bastard. Thor should have just let us kill him when we had the chance." I knew he was referring to the incident roughly a month ago when Tony had impulsively dropped Loki and the cage he was in out of the sky from the helicarrier.
I didn't reply. "What else?" He asked when I didn't answer after a while.
"Um...well...he has an army of sorts, like we thought. They want him to retrieve something. I don't know what."
"Well, that's a good amount of information." Clint said after a second.
"Thanks." I replied uncertainly.
"Why did he tell you?"
Should I tell the truth? That I didn't really do anything? If I did, would everyone ease up a bit, see that Loki would eventually tell us everything on his own?
But at the same time, if I told the truth, Clint might be angry that I was acting neutrally, even kindly toward Loki.
"It doesn't matter," I said after a second. "What matters is that he told me something. And he's close to telling me more."
There was a pause. "Ok," Clint responded. "I'll talk to you later."
Desperate to get off the phone, I said, "alright," and hung up.
I then proceeded to leave my room. I decided to go in to SHIELD headquarters to tell Fury the news in person. Not only was I completely stir crazy and desperate to get out of my house, but Fury's voice was hard to read. I knew I would have trouble gauging his opinion on my information if I told him the news via phone.
Loki was sitting on the couch, staring at the black TV. He turned around when he heard my door open. I suddenly became conscious of how loud I was talking on the phone. For some reason, I didn't want Loki to know I was telling Fury and Clint. It made his sacrifice seem more work-related, rather than personal. And it made me feel like I was betraying his trust somehow.
It is work-related, I told myself. Nothing about this is personal.
"Hey." He said when I approached. He had his hands deep in his pockets, and a strand of his normally neatly groomed hair had fallen in front of his face. He looked a lot younger than he actually was. He also looked calm but nervous, which was unlike him.
He looks very handsome, I thought to myself.
I hated but loved that thought.
"Hey." I replied, wishing I could slap the blush off my face. Why was I feeling this way?
Mass murderer, alien, god. It told myself, He tried to kill you, remember?
"I was just about to go in to SHIELD." I told him quietly. What would he think of this?
"Why?" He asked.
"I have to talk to Fury." I replied, taking a step toward the door.
Loki touched the bruise on his face, and I almost laughed. The wound had been caused because of my last talk with the director after all.
"It will be fine, I'm sure. I won't come back as angry as I did yesterday." I hope.
Loki narrowed his eyes. "Can I come?" He asked after a second. I wondered if he was just as stir crazy as I was. Maybe even more so. I could imagine Loki exploring the great palace of Asgard, the gardens, and the entire planet, because it was all his. This entire house must seem minuscule and boring compared to that.
Even so, I replied, "I don't think that's a good idea."
Loki looked disappointed, and I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt. I lightly cupped his cheek with my hand, he was that close. "We'll do something later tonight." Maybe.
I quickly wondered if I had crossed the line. Was touching his cheek too intimate for our situation? I took a step back, my cheeks on fire. God, I had never blushed so much than in this past week.
I left and arrived at the helicarrier base about a half around later. I was very disappointed that the actual base wasn't done yet. I was really excited to see what Stark had come up with.
Once inside the base, I asked to find Fury and a young looking agent led me to the director. He was sitting in his office, staring out of the large window behind his desk.
"Director." I said calmly.
"Agent." Fury said without turning around. "What can I help you with?"
He finally turned around and fixed me with a one-eyed stare. I blinked.
"It's about Loki." He raised an eyebrow, so I continued, "He told me has an army of sorts, and that they want him to retrieve something. But...I don't know what." That was all I had. It seemed like nothing, now.
Fury blinked and nodded. He didn't say anything. I had nothing left to say.
"Thank you."
So much for driving all of the way out here.
I got back, and I think I lied to Loki when I said that I wouldn't be angry after arriving back. Loki noticed.
I sat on the couch, crossed my arms, and thought about my 'conversation' with Fury, fuming.
"Are you alright?" Loki asked nervously when I sat down.
I let out a long sigh, not really sure what to say. I hated this job, I wished I had never signed up to extract information. Especially from the most difficult, most secretive man in the universe. "No," I said eventually, defeated.
"Are you mad at me?" Loki asked, and though he didn't say it, I could hear the silent again in his voice.
"No, not at you," I replied quietly. "I'm furious with the director. Everything that's happening is his fault."
Loki let out a sigh of his own. "Actually, everything is my fault." I glanced at him in surprise. He was staring at me, his eyes sincere. "Don't look at me like that. You know it's true."
I let out a small laugh. "No, I'm just surprised that you would admit to something like that. Usually, you're so..." I decided not to finish my sentence.
"Look," Loki began. "If I'm being honest, I wish I could tell you what happened to me. I do." I wanted to say something along the lines of 'I didn't know the god of lies could be honest' but I held my tongue as he continued. "But you saw for yourself what happened when I tried. I just can't."
That's when I thought about it. Really thought about it. I mean, he did give me something, so that has to mean he can give me more.
"I mean...you could. You just...don't want to."
"I could, maybe. But it would be painful. I would probably die if those ugly veins...whatever they are...reaches my heart. I'm not entirely sure." He responded sourly.
"You could try," I added hopefully.
"I'll die, Natasha. That's the point of the spell on the sword." He indicated his wound. "It'll kill me if I say too much." He paused, sounding not quite as sure. "I think."
"But you could try," I said, realizing how heartless I sounded but not really caring. If he died, would it matter so much? He had murdered hundreds; did he really deserve to live? But I knew what I was telling myself wasn't what I really thought. I couldn't bear to see him die, not when I knew I could have helped him.
Loki sounded hurt as he responded to my dry statement, "Did you not hear me? I will die."
There was still that silent, uncertain 'I think' in his voice. He, for once, did not know.
"I heard you." I whispered, "And I think you should try despite that."
Loki swallowed. He looked angry and disappointed. "Right. Despite the fact that I will die, I should do it anyway. Let me think about that." He stood up and began to head for his room.
"Loki...I didn't mean-"
"No, no. I get it. I'm used to it, trust me." And he left for his room and stayed there the rest of the day. He didn't even come out to eat.
Happy New Year, everyone! Let's make 2019 a great year!