#PTG28 Chapter 28
My chest was heaving as he stared at me, waiting for me to tell him about what happened that night. Sinubukan kong ibuka ang bibig ko, pero walang salita ang gustong lumabas. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin... Ayokong sabihin. Ayokong marinig niya kung ano ang nangyari sa akin.
I didn't want him to know how miserable I was.
I didn't want to do this to know.
I didn't know if he still loves me... but if he did... even if he still had the faintest feelings for me... I didn't want to risk hurting him again.
"What happened?" he repeated.
Muling ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko. I knew he wouldn't let this go. And I didn't want to tell him what happened.
"I don't think you'd want to hear this."
Jax pulled the chair and sat down. Parang gusto niya akong tunawin sa paraan ng pagtingin niya. Parang gusto niya akong saktan sa lamig ng bawat titig.
"I'm here as your lawyer, Mrs. Ramirez," he said, plunging a knife deep within my heart again. Agad na nakaramdam ako ng sakit nang tawagin niya akong ganoon. Paulit-ulit. "I'm not here as your ex... not even as your friend. Let's be professional."
Pilit akong ngumiti. "Right. I'm sorry."
"I'll ask you again. Please narrate what happened that night. Do not skip details. We need to get everything to strengthen your defense."
Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang segundo ang lumipas bago ko nagawang simulan ang kwento. Hindi ko mabilang kung ilang beses kong sinabihan ang sarili ko na kaya ko. Na okay lang sabihin sa kanya. Pero sa ilang beses na iyon, ilang beses din akong naduwag.
"Hindi... hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula."
Jax pursed his lips. His hands were resting on the table. His eyes bored a hole in my being. I couldn't recognize him anymore. He's so... cold. Gone was the gentleness that I loved about him. He now looked menacing.
"Let's start from the beginning."
Huminga ako nang malalim. "Simula... simula nung nagkakilala kami ni Kier? O simula nung gabing iyon?"
Pinapanood ko ang bawat galaw niya. May takot sa puso ko na baka ito na 'yung huling pagkikita namin. Baka talikuran niya akong muli pagkatapos kong sabihin lahat. Hindi ko alam. Pero baka. Gusto ko lang sulitin bawat segundo na nandito siya. Baka huli na 'to.
"Simula nung nagkakilala kayo," simple niyang sabi. Ni wala akong mabakas na emosyon sa boses niya. Baka nga tama siya. Isa lang akong kliyente para sa kanya. I was but another soul waiting to be saved by him. I was just but another story he'd hear.
I was not special anymore.
"I first met him when we—" sabi ko pero bigla akong natigilan. I didn't want to reminisce my memories with him. Baka mapalitan ng lungkot. Baka kung ano ang sabihin niya. I safely tucked those inside a small part of my mind. I wanted to keep them safe. They were the ones that kept me sane through these years.
"I first met him when I went to Laoag for a party," I rephrased. His eyes remained the same. I was just another story. He didn't care. "I attended the party because my parents wanted me to meet Arlo—iyong dapat papakasalan ko. Kier... he was there. I talked to him first there."
I could see how his chest rise and fell. But his face remained neutral. I wanted to beg just to see a glimpse of emotions cross his eyes.
"I didn't see him after."
"When did you see him again?"
My lips quivered. I didn't know how I'd tell him this. I didn't know how I'd tell him that he's the reason why I met him again.
"After... After I congratulated someone for passing the BAR, I sat on one side. I just wanted to calm myself down. Tapos... nakita niya ako doon. Naupo siya sa tabi ko. Hinintay niyang tumigil ako sa pag-iyak."
I couldn't even look at him as I began to tell the story of how I met the man that I married. How do you even do that? How do you even tell the man you wanted to marry the story of how you met the person you eventually married?
"We became friends. We became closer because he was the one who helped me during the BAR month. Atty. Villegas told me that the board members were planning on buying me out of the company. Kieran was the one who helped me fix that. Ayaw niyang magtrabaho. He was contented on his life... but he stepped up and took the job."
Silence engulfed us again. I didn't know how to continue. How do I tell him how I decided to marry someone else? Paano ko sasabihin iyon nang hindi ko sasaktan ang sarili ko? Posible ba 'yun?
"One day, someone questioned his rights to run the company for me. He wasn't related to me. He just basically appeared out of nowhere. That was when Atty. Villegas said that if we want to continue with the set-up, we could get married to legitimatize the relation."
I stared at him once again. Walang reaksyon iyong mga mata niya. Tahimik siyang naka-tingin sa akin. Gusto kong basahin iyong isip niya, pero hindi ko magawa. Sobrang lapit niya... pero ni hindi ko siya mahawakan.
"It was absurd. I didn't even marry Arlo even when it was basically my parents' dying wish... It took me one night to decide to agree to that."
Sumikip iyong dibdib ko. Hindi ko magawang ituloy iyong kwento. Ang tagal. Maraming segundo iyong lumipas. Hindi ko maituloy.
"What made you decide?" he asked after that deafening silence.
I smiled at him as tears finally formed in my eyes. "It was someone's birthday. I asked my friend for his new address. I tried to call him, but my number was blocked. Naghintay ako sa lobby. Tumawag iyong reception sa kanya para sabihin na nasa lobby ako. Ngumiti sa akin iyong receptionist. Nakakaawa ako. May dala akong cake nun. Gusto ko lang namang bumati. Pwede ko namang iwan, pero natatakot ako na baka hindi kunin. Kaya naghintay ako. Isang oras. Hanggang sa humaba. 'Di ko namalayan umaga na pala. Doon ko na-realize... para na akong tanga."
Sunud-sunod iyong pagtulo ng luha ko. Hindi ko sila pinigilan. Gusto kong makita niya. Gusto kong makita niya na kung nasaktan ko siya dati, mas nasaktan ako. Sobrang nasaktan ako. Hanggang ngayon, nasasaktan pa rin ako.
Kier hurt me... so bad... but that wouldn't compare to the pain Jax made me feel. It was worst. It killed me from the inside. Until I didn't want to feel anymore. Until I couldn't feel anymore.
"I realized that if he can be happy, maybe I can be happy, too. Baka. Pwede namang subukan. Siguro. And... and Kier loved me. I knew it. I didn't love him, but he was there. He was there when no one else was. I appreciated that. We dated for a while. Then, we got married."
I left the part where a little part of me waited for him. Nung kasal ko. Baka dumating siya. Kasi handa akong tumakbo kasama siya. Pakiramdam ko sinusunog ang kaluluwa ko dahil hanggang kasal ko, siya pa rin ang iniisip ko... pero mahal ko siya. Siya lang iyong gusto ko.
Baka nga kasalanan ko. Sinaktan ko si Kier. Sinaktan ko siya hanggang ginusto niya na ring saktan ako. Magkaibigang sakit, pero parehas lang kaming nanakit.
"We were happy... for a while."
Nagsimulang manikip muli ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulang sabihin sa kanya. Paano ko sasabihin sa tao na lubos akong inalagaan kung paano ako sinaktan ng tao na dapat ay mag-aalaga sa akin?
May paraan ba para sabihin iyon ng hindi ako nasasaktan?
"Then... it started."
"What started?" he asked. I didn't know if it was just me, but I felt a flicker of emotion in his voice. O baka naman umaasa lang ako. Sana umaasa lang ako. Mas mabuti na hindi niya na ako mahal. Ayoko na masaktan siya sa mga maririnig niya.
Marahan kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko.
"What started?" he repeated when I couldn't continue what I was saying. His eyes were on me, waiting for a word that would come out of my mouth. My chest was tightening as I stared back. But I closed my eyes again. I couldn't look at him.
"At first... at first it was just a slap. And he was drunk."
I placed my hands on my lap. I held them. I held them so they would stop trembling. But every time I'd remember how Kier hurt me, I tremble in fear. The mere memory of him drunk was enough to send shiver down my spine.
Wala na siya... pero natatakot pa rin ako sa kanya.
"He apologized. I accepted it. He was kind... baka nga lasing lang siya." My eyes remained close. I didn't know how else I would be able to continue if I would look in his eyes. He'd make me weak again. He's always been my strength and my weakness. But now, I only had weakness within me. I was tired. I was so tired.
"But then, it happened again. He accidentally pushed me down the stairs. Pero buti na lang mababa lang iyon. I got away with minor injuries." Naramdaman kong tumulo iyong luha ko. Mabilis ko iyong pinunasan. Huminga ako nang malalim. Kailangan kong ituloy. Kung hindi ngayon, hindi ko alam kung kailan pa ulit ako magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob para sabihin ito. "The day after, he went away for a business trip. Nagpunta ako sa ospital dahil..." Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kamay ko. "Buntis pala ako. Hindi alam ni Kier. Hindi ko sinabi. Kahit kailan hindi ko sinabi. Takot ako na saktan niya ako kapag nalaman niya... Takot ako na baka sisihin niya ako... Takot ako na baka mas lumala iyong sitwasyon."
Pinilit kong ngumiti. I could still remember how I mourned alone. I hated Kier with all my being... but I loved our child. She was mine. But she was taken too soon.
Naka-pikit ako. Ayoko siyang makita hanggang hindi ako tapos. Pero bumukas ang mga mata ko nang marinig ko iyong pag-urong ng upuan.
Kitang-kita ko kung paano mabilis na tumutulo iyong luha mula sa mga mata niya. Kitang-kita ko iyong galit sa mga mata niya. Kung gaano ka-lalim iyong paghinga niya. Kung paano naka-kuyom iyong kamao niya.
Pinilit kong ngumiti. Tapos na. Nangyari na lahat. Nasaktan na ako.
He stood there, listening to every word I had to say.
I sat there, watching him fight the tears as they fell from his eyes.
"It... It was probably the start of hell for me. After that trip, he just became worse. Lagi siyang lasing. Lagi niya akong..." Huminto ako. Huminga nang malalim. Would they ask me this in court over and over again? Papatayin ba nila ako nang paulit-ulit? "He'd hurt me every time he was drunk. And then he'd apologize. It was a cycle. But it was my fault, too. I let him do that to me."
Pinunasan ko iyong mga luha ko. Kitang-kita ko pa rin iyong pagkawala ng mga luha sa mga mata niya.
"The night of... the night of his death," I began.
"Why would you let him do that to you?" he asked, his eyes red from containing the anger.
I forced a smile on my face. "It was my fault. He loved me... but I pushed him to hate me. I married him... but my heart is married to someone else."