"Honey, come to bed," Steve demanded from behind me.
It had only been a few hours since my brothers and Castiel layed out what they'd gone through these last thirteen years, and there was too much going through my mind too sleep. Hell, even after a few hours, they'd just given me the short version of what they'd gone through, and I couldn't imagine what they'd forgotten, or deemed not important, but I was having trouble accepting it all.
How could I?
Their lives read like a real life horror movie, except it continued for years..
The tower was finally quiet, and the boys had gone to their designated rooms after exposing their vulnerability for all of us too see. Dean got up to leave a few times, but after Sam, Cas, and Steve, reiterated what was at stake, and my needing to know, he begrudgingly kept going.
At first I was reticent about their past, since our main priority was finding Tony, especially when Dean started talking, and how it effected him, I didn't want him to relive anything that caused him pain, but Phil and Steve were right.
I needed to know.
My eldest brother remained ever stoic, although his eyes watered throughout the conversation. Sam let a few tears fall after my own splashed down my face.
It wasn't in pity, but remorse, because I believed they needed me, or I could of helped them. My anger at Phil and Fury raged as they went on, but also at John for keeping them from me. My heart shattered for them, and I couldn't help but shoulder their grief.
So much death, loss, and there was nothing I could say or do to alleviate their obvious pain, I couldn't even hide my own. Even more weight hovered over my shoulders after our conversation, not just because of my worry for Tony, but for Sam and Dean, as well.
I broke down for the second time, in twenty-four hours, when Dean and Sam spoke about John, and the harsh demands he made of his sons, at such a young age, and the alcoholism. Dean spoke about John with pride, but Sam's tone was completely different when it came to John. The father Dean and Sam had was completely different from the one I remembered. Yes, John was sometimes harsh and stern, but he wasn't borderline abusive, nor did he treat me like he did my brothers. He protected me, and loved me, much like Phil had, and I couldn't help but wonder what was so different between myself and my brothers?
Yet, that wasn't the worst of it, in fact, Sam and Dean had so many run ins, near misses, and actual deaths, only to be brought back by the forces we were fighting. I was still coming to terms with their supposed deaths, and reanimation by angels, or demons... it was too much.
I was shocked they were still alive and fighting, or that they even wanted to keep going. There was so much turmoil to sift through, but Dean was strong, strong for his brother, and their relationship was borderline co-dependent, which I understood well enough, because I depended on Phil, on Tony, Natasha, and later Steve, but this... this was so much worse, and I was at a loss at what I could say or do to help them.
I needed to be focusing on bringing Tony home, but how could I focus on Tony, when my brother's were sleeping a few doors down from me?
"(Y/n)?" Steve called out again.
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I can sleep right now, not after what we just heard, and Tony," I concurred, but slowly turned around and faced him, while I leaned back against the cold glass, "we should be working?"
"We are darlin', FRIDAY'S working, Bruce.., but you need to try and get some sleep, and I want you here next to me, don't make me get up and carry you to bed," he threatened, and shifted the blankets over his bare torso.
"I think you actually like man-handling me," I snickered through the tears, which hadn't stopped leaking down my face since the conversation downstairs.
"I do, but I'd rather just have you get into bed," he sighed, and reached for me, "you may not be able to sleep, but let me be your soft place to land sweetheart."
I finally acquiesced to his demands and pulled my sweater and leggings off before sliding into my old bed, and settled onto his warm chest. His lips peppered my head with kisses, and I relaxed against his frame, finally focusing on the man holding me.
"They're not alone anymore honey, and we'll do whatever we can to give them whatever they may need, even if Dean doesn't want it, or thinks he doesn't deserve it," he whispered, as if he read my mind, "you don't have to say anything, cause I recognize the look in your eyes, but what they've gone through, they got through it together, it wasn't your fault, but I know you probably wished you could of been there to help them, but they're here now, so let's focus on that, and finding Tony."
I raised my head to look at him, while he brushed the outpouring of tears drenching my face, "you know sometimes, I think you're too good to be true, but..." I paused and put my head back on his warm chest, "you heard what they said about all this..and I feel just as lost, with even more questions...we don't even know where all this information leaves me? Our main focus should be finding Tony, but... I.. my brother's..."
"I know doll, I know, but Dean looked liked he could use a break, it wasnt easy for him talking about the past, it never is," he murmured, "so just try to close your eyes, and let me take care of you for once, and we'll start again in the morning, I'll be right here, I promise," he whispered, and tilted my head up, so his lips could fall on mine. He engulfed me in his warmth and protection, coaxing my mouth open and moaning against me, "I love you, and I promise nothing's going to change that."
"I know, and I love you too," I sighed, and finally closed my eyes, while Steve's arms tightened around my bare body, "always."
Four Hours Earlier
"You left?" I asked, and glanced at Sam. Dean had barely started telling us their story, but shock bubbled in my gut when Dean muttered about Sam leaving their little family in order to go to Stanford to study law, barely a teenager.
"Yes, and I accomplished alot while I was gone, but I didn't know what it did to Dean, or dad," Sam added, and cleared his throat, "and I didn't know... I didn't know my past, our parents past, would follow me to Stanford and kill my..kill someone important to me, that's what sent me back into all this.."
I raised an eyebrow in confusion, when Sam softly hummed the name, Jessica. I didn't ask, but apparently she was still important considering the way his voice cracked, and his eyes watered.
So I continued to listen to my brothers talk about their search for John, which led them on a path of discovery, and blood.
Cas had to explain what happened to Sam when he was a baby, a demon named Azazel, marked him, gave him certain gifts, which grew with the ingestion of demon blood.
He also explained that because of a deal Mary made when she was younger, to save John's life, was the reason Sam was chosen. Those choices also led to the death of our mother, the first time, which may have explained why our father was the way he was with my brother's, especially Sam.
When John and Mary were together, they seemed so happy, but behind closed doors, I remembered hearing their raised voices, and the anger. I also remembered she never ventured passed the circle of trees which layed twenty or thirty feet from the cabin, and back then there was no road like there was now. As a child I never asked why, in fact, it never crossed my mind. They seemed to always be preparing for something, with their large cache of guns and other trinkets, but I never asked, I had no reason too. I assumed most children were raised like that.
As a child I was happy, and assumed mom was too, but she cried whenever John left for long periods of time. I just figured it was because she didn't want him to go, but maybe she was crying for my brothers, her sons. I hated the new memories making themselves known, inevitably shattering the perfect picture I had of my parents, but I could see them now.
"I don't understand?" I murmured, and looked at Phil, but he didn't have answers either, "she couldn't leave, could she, mom, I mean? She never went farther than the trees.." No one answered, but Castiel just nodded his answer.
The room was quiet for a moment while Sam and Dean focused their tumultuous gaze on the angel in the room.
"I will explain what I can, once Dean and Sam finish their..." He started, but Dean quickly interjected.
"I don't see how us talking about our trip through a hell infested wonderland is going to help anyone, even if by some chance she is our sister?" He growled, and tossed back another shot of brown alcohol.
"Dean..." Sam sighed, and clenched his sharp jaw.
"We've given you no reason to doubt she's your sister," Steve asserted, "do you think I'd put my wife through all this, just to find Tony? We brought you here to help, but..."
"Enough, she is your sister, you stubborn ass, and your past, is aligned with hers, even if she wasn't there," Cas stated matter of factly, "she needs to know what you've been through in order to understand what's going on, all of you do..."
"This cloak and dagger shit..." my eldest brother snapped, "if you knew.."
"Now, Dean," Castiel ordered, and drew himself up and straightened his shoulders. Both my brother's seemed surprised by Castiel's strong declaration. By the looks on their faces Castiel didn't usually talk to them like he was now, and they were taken aback by it.
So, I closed my eyes, and clung to Steve as they continued. They discussed Sam's death, Ruby, and the deal Dean made in order to bring his brother back from the dead.
They talked about John, and his sacrifice to save Dean after Azazel caused a car crash, which sent Dean into a coma. He wasn't expected to survive, but our father traded some fucken gun, and his soul to Azazel in order to bring Dean back, but not before telling Dean that he may need to kill his younger brother if he turned into a demon, or went down the path this Azazel wanted him too.
Soon their voices were overrun with broken seals, Bobby Singer, some demon named Lillith, and the mother of all monsters, Eve. Vampires, werewolves, time travel, and the gates of hell opening, all of it, sent my mind into autopilot, and shock struck me nearly catatonic, but they kept going.
I quietly cried when Dean spoke of hell, a demon named Crowley, and the life he tried to lead after Sam decided to let Lucifer take over, and coax him back into his cage, which still tore Dean apart when he talked about it.
Sam talked about his return, without his soul, and what the Angel's told both of them as they began to dabble in forces beyond the monsters they fought.
Our bloodline was destined to be aligned with angels. We were destined to be vessels, meat suits for their own godly agendas. We weren't the only ones, but deemed the most important. Sam was marked as a vessel for Lucifer, which is how he was able to send Lucifer back to his cage, while Dean was a vessel for the archangel Michael, which begged the question what that meant for me?
They spoke with such emotion, but also nonchalantness, that I had to stop them, quite a few times, just so I could let my brain catch up, and accept what they were saying.
Only my mind was going to need more than just a few minutes.
They spoke of our other brother, Adam, who was also lost to some cage, and I nearly collapsed in Steve's arms. Not only from more shock, but it reiterated why Dean was having a hard time accepting I was his sister. The happy image of my real father was slowly disappearing and there was nothing I could do about it.
They went on about the bickering constantly happening between the angels and demons of hell, but in between all that, they still fought monsters, and tried to protect humanity from the ever growing presence of evil.
I almost got up and left when Dean muttered about becoming a demon for a time, while Sam looked for him, and he and Cas were finally able to save him, but at a cost.
All of it at a cost, whether it be the people who were closest to them, or their own minds. They uttered names, but didn't fixate on them, and I didn't ask, since I was enveloped in shock.
After two hours, I stopped listening and stood near the window, while Castiel finally spoke up again, and began telling his own story about his time with the Winchesters. He had his own death experiences, and fights with his own brethren, but he spoke about my brothers with so much care and love, I was actually glad he had taken them under his charge, protecting them when he could.
There was so much...
How could all this really happen?
How could this be real?
So much information about the past hit me like bricks, and they weighed down on me as if it was my own.
I was having a hard time accepting what they said, not because I didn't believe them, but because as of yesterday I had no idea these things existed. Only to hear my brothers speak of them, over and over...
Sam stated they left the normal stuff out, like their run ins with witches, and shape shifters, but that didn't lighten their burden, nor mine.
How could two men fight such things, and still be standing here?
Yet, the problem remained, the questions remained, where did I fit into all this?
Where did Tony fit into all this?
Were the Angel's and demons now looking for me, as another possible vessel for their own needs?
Is that why the fallen angel took Tony?
It angered me that beings who were supposedly meant protect humanity, used my brothers for their own gains and losses, regardless what it did to them, and they were still suffering. We could all see it, hear it, in their voices.
"This has been very enlightening, disturbing, but enlightening, and I'm probably gonna have nightmares for the rest of my life, but where does (y/n) fit into all this?" Bucky asked, after Cas explained that Lucifer had escaped the cage, with the help of a witch.
"Buck," Steve remarked. He put his hand up, and looked at my brother's with the same understanding only Steve Rogers could have, "the both of you have just relived what you've been through, and for what its worth, I'm sorry. I can't imagine, actually I can.. There's nothing we wouldn't do for our families, but you're a part of this, and a part of (y/n), whether you believe it or not, but you're not alone in this anymore."
If I could of loved Steve more than I already did, I would of in that single moment. He knew firsthand what it meant to sacrifice everything for a brother, or loved one. He sacrificed half of his team, and his friendship with Tony, when he decided to keep Bucky safe, and go against the Accords. I also went along with him, and sacrificed a part of myself, but that was years ago, and we were all fine, now, but for my brothers, they constantly sacrificed themselves and people closest to them in order to save the world and each other. It seemed like it never ended for them, as if they were on a wheel of constant sacrifice, and they couldn't get away from it.
"Captain Rogers, this life, it's not an easy choice to make, getting invovled," Sam retorted, but gave my husband a small smile, "but thank you."
"You're welcome," Steve sighed, and looked at Dean's back as he stood near the window, "I know we still have a lot that needs to be discussed, including what this means for (y/n) and Tony, but you've had a long drive, and it's been a long day for everyone. Why don't you guys get some rest, and we'll continue this conversation tomorrow morning with clear heads?"
I almost got up to argue, but Dean didn't need to be told twice, and quickly left the room through the hall, down towards the extra bedrooms. Sam and I watched him go, as the rest of my team began cleaning up, and Phil fussed around the room.
"We have a personal chef for breakfast in the morning, so ask for whatever you want," Steve declared and squeezed my hand, I hadn't even realized he was holding it.
"I'm sure Dean will get a kick out of that, so don't be surprised if you see over a dozen plates of food surrounding him in the morning," Sam stated, without levity.
"I'm going to check on Dean before turning in, till the morning then, Sam," Castiel murmured, and hurriedly walked down the hall.
"The fact that an angel chooses to wear slacks, tie and a trench coat begs the need for discussion," Nat mumbled, but let out a long sigh as Sam finally began to make his way to his room.
There was so much to say, but Sam just gave me a sad smile before disappearing down the hall.
My eyes peered into the dark, and I nuzzled my head into the crook of Steve's neck, but sleep continued to allude me.
How could I sleep when my brothers slept a few feet away from me, and after what they told me?
After three hours of trying, I quietly disentangled myself from Steve, and threw on my clothes. I couldn't breathe in here, and I didn't want to wake up Steve with my sniffles and unease, so I slipped out the door, and headed into the common room.
I was so out of it, I didn't notice Dean sitting on one of the chairs near the large open windows, until a full bottle of beer flew towards me. My reflexes quickly snatched it out of the air before it crashed to the floor, but I fumbled it in my hands before looking up, and seeing my oldest brother facing the window.
"You're lucky I caught that," I sighed, and put the beer down on the nearest table.
"Yah, I couldn't sleep either, and I finished that expensive bottle of bourbon, so beer it is," he murmured without looking at me.
"I know where Tony keeps his stash, if you need something stronger," I remarked, and headed for the expensive coffee maker.
"Tempting, but no, I should probably have some coffee too, or this hangover's gonna knock me on my ass," he replied, and tilted his beer over his lips till he finished it.
The room was quiet as I made some coffee, but I slowly turned around and leaned against the bar. I had so much to say, but all those words, all those questions...
There was nothing I could say to alleviate his burden, or bridge the way he still felt about me, and I didn't blame him, not after hearing about his reticence when he spoke about Adam, but I needed to try.
I'd always considered myself strong, and independent, but the last few days had turned me back into a sniffling child, wanting the comfort of Steve, and Phil.
My dad didn't say much before he left to The Avengers facility, but lightly brushed a small kiss against my forehead, and I tried to focus on that strength, hoping Phil and Steve would carry me, if I needed it.
"Dean," I sighed, and wrapped my arms around my empty stomach, "I don't know what to say besides I'm sorry, and that I wish I could of been there, for both of you."
"No, no you don't," he remarked, as his green eyes flashed, "didn't you hear anything we said? I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy, well maybe a few," he tried to say jovially, but his anger resurfaced, "this life, I've tried normal, Sam and I both have...you have a life here, a good one."
"I did hear you, and you're right, I have a good life here, but it wasn't always like this," I murmured, refusing to go back to the beginning, "Steve's changed a lot for me, Phil and Tony...but regardless of all that, and what you think about me, my point remains.. I could of been there."
"No, I'm glad they kept you from us, people end up dieing, good people," he muttered, and shook his head, "the older I get, the more I believe we didn't know shit about our parents." His last sentence seemed more like an after thought, as if he didn't mean to say it out loud, but I took the opening and went with it.
"So by that we, does that mean you believe I'm your sister?" I snickered, hoping I didn't piss him off.
He snorted and finally turned towards me, "hell no, but I don't want to get my ass kicked by Captain America, even though it would be something to brag about for the rest of my life."
"Pfff, Steve's nicer and more understanding than most of us, and he's a gentleman," I stated matter of factly, taking his smirk and running with it.
"Yah, all those hickeys and bite marks speak volumes of his chivalry," he muttered and finally gave me a smirk.
The low lights from the bar lit up his green eyes, and I instantly thought of our mother. They weren't the same color, but carried the same weight, and burden. My own eyes watered, but I didn't want to ruin the moment or his levity.
So I cleared my throat, and put my hands on my hips, "is my big brother already displaying big brother attitude?"
"Hell no," he scoffed, and turned back towards the window while the sky began to turn a dark blue. He slipped his hands into his jean pockets, and relaxed his shoulders. The silence stretched for minutes, neither of us really knowing what to say next.
After fifteen minutes of silence and the smell of fresh coffee waning, I stepped forward and stood next to him at the window.
My brother wiped his face with his hand, and slowly made his way to the hall, but not before turning back and looking at me, "I remember reading tabloids about you and Stark, so I know he must be someone important to you," he started, and focused his green eyed gaze on face, "but how far are you willing to go for him?"
"As far as it takes," I blurted out, but it was true, "I'll do whatever it takes to bring him home.."
Dean swallowed, and closed his eyes, "yah, that's what I was afraid of..." His voice was sad, as he turned around and heading towards his bedroom, leaving me alone to ponder just what he was afraid of.