10 : st. mungo's
It was a close call, and Dad had been right.
My Healer, a man that was in his mid 40's or early 50's, had been the one cussing that the elevator was too slow. In my hysteria, I hadn't recognized anyone other than my family. I didn't even recognize one of my favorite nurses when she had helped me onto the stretcher. Dad had recalled the way that felt to him; he'd never been more afraid. I was absolutely hysterical, and was apparently screaming for longer than I had thought, as he said I started getting louder right after we landed in the lobby, drawing the attention of everyone on that floor. Apparently, in the elevator, I wasn't just screaming, I was shrieking. James had heard me screaming until I passed out.
Everyone that was in that elevator agrees, that the moment I stopped screaming was the most relieving, yet terrifying. For a 16 year old girl, who was definitely dying, to just stop screaming in less than a second, without warning, they'd all thought I had died. Dad says he doesn't remember much more after that, having frozen in place and not left the elevator. The space between me going silent, and the Healers stabilizing me, was blank for him.
James remembered it for us all.
When I woke up, I was surprised to see Sirius sleeping in the chair beside my bed, his cheek resting against the tips of my fingers. I could just barely feel his breath tickling the inside of my wrist. His face was towards me, but his eyes were closed.
Arlo Douglas, my Healer, was standing at the foot of my bed, his hands tightly gripping the foot board as he was leaning over. I could just barely see that his eyes were screwed shut, and his breathing wasn't even.
He looked like he was in pain.
His eyes relaxed, and he leaned his head back, letting out a heavy sigh. As he did so, my hand twitched - the one that Sirius was just barely touching.
That's when I felt the tube down my throat. It was an awfully terrifying moment, to be peacefully awake and then suddenly feeling a thick tube in my throat. As I choked on the tube, my entire body jerked and Arlo's eyes shot open. In the same movement, Sirius jumped out of his seat and stood beside the bed with wide, surprised, eyes.
He looked so relieved, yet surprised and confused that I was awake. That my eyes were open and that I tried to sit up so I could take out the tube that was stuck down my throat.
I had placed my hand firmly against the bed, and pushed. I got absolutely nowhere, and to panic. The tube was preventing me from breathing on my own - and it had slightly maneuvered to where I was now getting very little oxygen. I was unable to breathe, and it was terrifying.
Arlo rushed to my side, sitting on the bed opposite of Sirius, who nearly tripped over the chair behind him trying to get out of his way. One he had calmed me down just enough that I no longer thrashed, Arlo carefully pulled the tube out of my throat, which was beyond uncomfortable. Sirius turned around and pulled the curtain behind him open, waking James who was asleep in the hospital bed on the other side. My brother groaned quietly as he shifted his body, opening his eyes only when Sirius nudged him.
His eyes met mine, and he looked like he'd seen a ghost. His face paled, his eyes suddenly wide. He was like that for a long moment before my brother jumped out of his bed and grinned widely.
My Healer forced me to lay back, lifting the back of the bed so that I was more so sitting, before he started taking my pulse, as well as testing my pupils. He tested my reflexes in my knees, as well as rubbing the back of his light against the bottom of my foot, to which I giggled, being extremely ticklish. He took my temperature, and checked my throat, nose and ears.
I gently rubbed my throat, which was extremely sore, before I gently tried to speak.
"What happened?"
Arlo had gone to get Mum and Dad, so they could explain to me what had happened.
When they came in, they were both basically in tears, and therefore so were Sirius and James.
Lily and Remus followed behind, and as soon as she was in the room, her eyes able to actually see me, sitting up with James. Within seconds, Lily started fully sobbing.
"Seriously, what happened?" Nobody said anything about the pun, but Mum and Dad took the two chairs on my left side, while Lily came and sat at the end of the bed, opposite of Sirius. James was sitting directly next to me, his arm around my shoulders, holding me tightly as if he was preventing me from leaving. Remus moved to stand between Lily and Sirius, taking a similar stance that Arlo had when I woke up. Arlo was now standing next to the door, leaning against it, smiling.
"When they finally got you to a room, there was such little oxygen in your body that you were nearly purple," James started. Mum went to tell him to stop, but Dad grabbed her hand.
"He remembers more than I do, and you couldn't even be on the same floor as her until she was stable," Dad said quietly, rubbing her arm. "Go on, James."
"The last few months weren't just you getting worse, your white blood cells started targeting red ones too, so the only time you were actually getting oxygen was during and after BTs. That night, your WBCs were attacking only red ones, and it was such a violent attack that it was causing you to hemorrhage internally. Your brain was starved."
He stopped, looking towards Arlo as he began to tear up.
He started tearing up because I had started quietly crying.
"By the time we got you stable, you were in a comatose state, and showed extremely low levels of brain activity. Just this morning, you had next to no brain function."
The wind was knocked out of me. Pieces began to fall into place — the pure surprise on Arlo's face. James looking like he'd seen a ghost. It made more sense now. I knew enough about medicine to know what no brain function met.
I was very suddenly overwhelmed. My heart constricted and the butterflies in my stomach began to feel more like nausea. I was having difficulty drawing a full breath, my breathing suddenly labored. I leaned forward, trying to breath.
I felt James try to pull me back upright, but I pulled my arm out of his hand. I couldn't breathe, but it wasn't the same as the last time.
I could hear Arlo ask if I wanted him to continue.
"Yes."
"You've been in a coma for two weeks, Jemina."
I could hear him asking everyone to leave, including Mum. He told Dad to stay, I assume, now, that it was because he knew that Dad could keep me from losing my mind over the next parts.
So James, extremely reluctantly, got off the bed, and had to physically drag Sirius from the room, as he kept saying that he didn't want to leave me. "I don't want to either," James had replied as he forced him out the door. Remus gently led Lily out, as she continued sobbing. I heard her say James' name and could just barely see him pulling her into his arms before Mum shut the door behind her.
I slowly sat back up, my face drenched in tears, and my lip quivering.
"Jemmy," Dad started as he got up and sat on the bed next to me, pulling me into his arms. I leaned on him, laying my head on his chest and clinging to his arm. "I'm so, so happy you woke up."
"As am I, Jemina. I am so glad you're awake, because that means I didn't have to kill you," I whimpered as Arlo sat beside my feet, patting my calf. He didn't sugar coat that. "I've known you since you were a baby, and I consider your entire family my own, but..."
"You were gone, Jemmy, we didn't think you'd ever wake up, and even James said you'd never want to live like that."
"When?" I looked at Arlo. He avoided my eye, and so I reached forward and grabbed his forearm. He slowly looked at me, sadness and guilt plastered across his face. I said it again, much firmer, "When?"
"Halei and I were going to pull the plug when your parents took your friends to the cafeteria, your Mum and Dad agreed James was the only one allowed in the room. We were going to do it today."
I felt all the pain at once. The mere notion that I woke up only an hour or two before I was supposed to die terrified me. It broke my heart knowing that James had known that I would never have wanted to stay like that for my life. A wave of guilt washed over me as I realized what that must have been like. Our parents asking him whether I wanted to live or die, and James having to tell them to let me die. The pain he must have felt.
James was right. Living in a comatose state with zero brain function - which its a miracle I recovered from - would not be something I wanted. We never talked about it, because the idea of my death was too real, but James knew me. I'd never want to live with a tube stuck down my throat, forcing me to breathe.
I do not remember a single thing between my passing out and waking up — not even a dream.
While I would never want to live like that, I was glad that I did not die. I was glad that I got a bit more time to spend with my family.
"Jemina," I heard Arlo say again, and I slowly looked at him. I felt Dad turn to look at him too, and my heart sank. His voice was grave, and he sounded completely defeated. I tried not to think about what I knew he was going to say. "I was looking at your charts from right after you woke up."
"Oh Merlin," Dad mumbled, putting his face on the top of my head, kissing my head and holding my head against his chest. It was Arlo's tone of voice. The defeat on his face, in his voice. The sadness that emitted from him in waves. The way the coldness of his words sunk into my heart - squeezing it tightly.
"I don't think you'll make it to your 17th birthday."
I did not cry - my father did all of the crying for me.
All the magic in the world couldn't fix me, according to Halei. We could not rewire the way my immune system worked. While I was a completely healthy person, my immune system constantly thought that I was plagued. That my blood was riddled with disease, that each white blood cell that the others attacked was an intruder. My immune system believed I was sick all the time - and that wore my immune system out.
Halei explained it as best she could, through tear-y sniffles, "You make it to your 17th birthday, and you should be able to live a decent and happy life."
I told Mum and Dad not to tell James. I begged them not to. They agreed to not tell him if I agreed to go as slow as I possibly can, so I can make it as long as I possibly can. I agreed.
So they did not tell James, leaving that up to me. They expressed their displeasure in my decision, but they respected it. It was not easy, nor rash, and it was difficult to make.
The idea of them knowing that I will die was unbearable. The thought that they'd spend time with me because everybody knew how much longer I had to live is unbearable. The thought that they'd wake up each day worried I was dead... I could not handle it.
The knowledge that they know that it can, happen, but could not happen, is easier to process. My death will be mostly unexpected, but that's better than them counting down the days until I'm scheduled to die.
I was trying not to be selfish... but I was going to die. If I was going to die, I wanted to spend the rest of my life as loved as possible without feeling like I have forced that love.
When I said this to Mum, she choked on air, and started crying. To which I pulled her onto the bed next to me, holding her to my chest the same way Dad had held me. She clutched me in her arms, holding me so tightly that I couldn't draw a full breath.
Shortly after she calmed down, I started crying. She switched the position, smoothing my black hair against my head.
"It's not falling out anymore," She whispered. "Lily and I have been brushing it so it doesn't get matted. So we wouldn't have to chop it off."
I smiled as I slowly fell asleep. I could faintly hear her singing a lullaby to me. One she had sung to us when we were young. I fell asleep thinking of when James and I were happy, innocent and happy.
I fell asleep thinking of when I wasn't dying.