After Brendan left, I gave myself an hour to prepare emotionally to get honest with Channing Tatum. I decided to tell him everything and to persuade him dismiss those people to give me back my life, I felt so freaking suffocating already.
My heart beat out of my chest when I pressed "call."
Expectedly a second later Channing answered with his exciting voice as always:
- Hi baby!!
- Hi. – I weakly responded.
- What's wrong? – he asked worriedly.
I can't describe to you how much this man understands me. Even the way I breathe through the phone can give away everything I feel to him. He always knows what is going on in my life, and always has a special way to assist me every time I need something. He loves me to the point if I can just make an effort to reach my hands out a little, I will absolutely be able to touch his love.
- I have to tell you something. – I unconfidently started.
- Y-yes? – his hesitation had shown through his voice.
- I just met Brendan. – I told him with the thinnest voice.
- You what? – I didn't know if he didn't hear the words or couldn't believe his ears.
I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply and spoke out what I wanted to tell him hurriedly in one breath:
- I just met Brendan Flora He came to see me I opened the door for him We talked about it Everything is ok now We don't need to worry anymore He's not aiming to give me a dead threat or anything He just wanted to borrow some money for his gambling debt.
I took my time to catch my breath after that. I was glad that I made it in one sentence. I didn't know if it made any sense for Channing but that was everything my courage at that moment could speak out and handle. If I unfortunately couldn't tell him all of it in one breath, I didn't think I had anymore courage left after that to continue.
- Are you ok? Did he hurt you? I'll book ticket now and will be there soon. – was the first thing that he told me.
I could imagine the image of him stood up immediately and gathered his stuff to pack them in a travel bag, while saying those words.
So I stopped that from happening instantly after noticing how worried my man was:
- I'm fine Channing. Don't worry. You can stay exactly where you are. I know this guy, he doesn't have that big of a courage to do any big things. So can we please dismiss the police and all, since he wasn't trying to do any harm to me? – I comforted Channing.
But accidentally got on his nerves instead.
I heard Channing just swallowed his irritation back to the heart, which gave me an unpleasant feeling. I thought I was about to lose something that really meant the world to me.
- He tried to rape you, and he was in jail because of murdering. Is there anything else that is bigger than those crimes? – he asked. I sensed the anger was raising from his lung.
I didn't mean to be on Brendan's side or anything, but he really wanted to fix everything he had done wrong in the past. Why we have to push people to a dead end? Why criminals cant be given forgiveness when they sincerely want to make themselves a better version? Why not give them another chance? Come one, we're all humans. Be fucking kind to one another!
"Treat people the way I want to be treated," has always been my motto to be a human and I will forever stick to it. So I told Channing:
- He wasn't trying to rape me. He just stupidly thought a little bit of intimacy would change the fact that I wanted to break up with him, and his idiotic action then turned out to be ugly. And the murdering case was actually a car accident. The girlfriend stole his money to run away with her lover and Brendan chased after her, but she didn't stop when the traffic light turned red so her car got crashed into the truck. He was not evil like we thought, he was just stupid.
I was just telling Channing the story as it really was, but I felt like I was justifying aka covering for Brendan's guilty ass. But honestly, I was not. But unfortunately, Channing thought that too.
He lowered his voice, which scared the hell out of me, and said:
- What's wrong with you Jessica? Just a moment spending with him and your mind completely changed?
- Channing, please don't talk like that. It scared me. – I said with my shaking voice.
My tears threatened to flow. I was so afraid that he would break up with me. I'd never seen this side of Channing before, especially when I could only hear his voice since we're not Facetiming. The reason I refused to Facetime him was because I didn't have enough courage to look at him.
- You talked to the criminal and set him free. You were putting yourself in danger and now you're keeping doing that. So what in the world can scare you away anyway, Jessica Cornish?
This motherfucking boyfriend kept talking to me with that annoying tone. I fucking hated it! Stop it! It's not the voice he supposed to talk to me, it was the opposite of loving! It was cold and blunt; my Channing had never used that kind of tone to talk to me.
- I'm sorry I didn't discuss with you but let him in. I'm sorry so please stop using that fucking loveless tone. – I was gonna cry if he kept doing that.
- What you expected me to react? Put my hand together and tell you you're doing a great job? – I couldn't handle his cold emotion towards me any longer, so I started sobbing.
Why was he like that? I said I didn't like it! He said he loved me, why hadn't he forgiven me already? He always tolerated me, but why was it not now? I said I was sorry. What did he want me to do?
- Stop! Where is your love for me? You said... you said you would forgive every of my mistakes and now you're acting like this? Channing Tatum, you...
I couldn't continue because I ran out of breath. The tears took my strength away.
- Ok. What about the message was sent to my number? – Channing asked. Didn't even give a fuck about the fact that I was crying.
What happened to him? Every time when I cried, he always freaked out and took it really serious, since I was not allowed to cry for the sake of my fragile heart.
His voice sounded hopeless in a "I'm giving up on you" way, as he knew everything between me and Brendan had happened, and he couldn't fix any of it, but he would not forgive any parts of it.
- He said it wasn't him. – I answered his question.
- And you believe him? – he asked another question.
- Yes, I do. Because... because when I talked about that he only thought the threat was about you and focused on you, but really it was about Jenna and Evy. – I didn't know if he could hear what I was saying because I was crying too damn hard while letting the words out of my mouth.
- He just said that to misdirect you, you goofy! And you made him succeed. He is probably hiding somewhere laughing at you right now. – he said the things that I was smart enough to think about.
- I know that person, Channing. I fucking know him inside out. I know when he is lying and when he is not. He was very sincere, there wasn't one doubt that he was trying to lie to me. – I tried to explain, but deep down inside I knew it wouldn't go anywhere far.
- You don't know him now. What you know was him 6 years ago. People change, Jessica. – he told the obvious of humankind to prove that I was wrong.
I gathered my breath, stopped myself from crying too much, because crying didn't help in any circumstances, especially when you're misunderstood.
My voice was still shaking, I softly explained:
- If you understand me, you will understand that I always act on my instinct. And my instinct told me to believe Brendan and give him another opportunity to live a new life, so I did what I'm supposed to do. – I stood my ground. I believed in myself. I think I was right this time.
- Please don't tell me you have already given that motherfucker 500,000 euro.
- I have not but I will, Channing. I'll send him 200,000 when he has a proper bank account, so I would like you to tell the police put him off the wanted list so he could live his life.
- You're crazy, Jessica Cornish. I don't know what to say anymore. – his hopeless tone made me feel like he wanted to give up on me somehow.
- Will you tell them to give me back my normal life? And also Brenden's life? – I asked.
I knew it was a really idiotic and inappropriate question to ask at that moment but I couldn't cover my mouth fast enough.
Wanted to collapse but was strong enough to not ask him "Are you breaking up with me?" I unreservedly couldn't do that because if I didn't, I could extend this thing and gave him time to forgive me, and maybe decreasing one chance of Channing thinking about a breakup. But if I did, I would probably give him the idea that he didn't really think of it, and he would immediately step out of my life.
I can't lose him, so I forced myself to not ask anything related to that matter.
- If you care about him that much, I will, Jessie. Tomorrow morning when you wake up, I promise you no one is going to bother your life anymore. And I will stay here to protect my family because I care for them.
And with that, he hung up on me.
I called him back put no one answered. I messaged him hundreds of messages and he didn't reply shit. I went on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and even emailed him to find a chance to talk to him again, but he didn't even notice me a bit.
I saw him posting on Instagram story making slime and doing car races with Evy, I commented on all of them and he didn't give a flying fuck about my existence.
He was very angry, and I was desperate.
----------------------------------
Besides performing to my heartbeats, I couldn't do anything after that. In a whole week he ignored my ass, and I couldn't believe that I was still alive and did my shows super well like nothing had happened. I absolutely acted like my life was freaking perfection and fairy tales. I couldn't believe that with all the crying I did, I still didn't collapse and still could reach the high notes when I was on stage. But in reality, I almost forgot what a good mood felt like.
My team asked my countless times if I was ok. I was always honest to them so I said "I am not." They suggested me to cancel shows but I refused to. I told them I still had strength to perform. I was just broken-hearted, I wasn't mute, I still could sing.
And I succeeded like I promised. I sang and laughed on stage like it was a normal day with Channing on the phone watching me having the best time of my life.
My acting was brilliant, wasn't it? Was it the damn time for directors around the world to come and cast me in some movies already?
And after that they didn't ask was I ok anymore. They changed the question into "Are you even human, Jess?"
Yes, I am human guys. But a broken version of it.
Channing Tatum, I'm broken.
Please come and fix me.
Please, baby.
I miss you.
----------------------------
As Channing promised, no one followed me anymore. I was on the road for my shows and there was only my team with me.
Brendan got his bank account shortly after and messaged me to thank me when he got a new phone and received the money that I transferred to him.
I was safe, Brendan really didn't mean to hurt me at all. We're now back to normal friends because we decided to forget about the past and start things fresh. He came over to my parents' house to explain what happened in the past and kneeled down to apologise my mum and dad for hurting me. And they decided to forgive him like I did.
One more heavy thing was put off my chest, I was so grateful.
Everything was so fine, so good. The world was so peaceful, so lively. It's just me, who felt empty and unbelonging. I was exhausted and so did my heart.
I tried to not be sad because of missing that asshole so much. I tried to not cry because I still had shows to do. I tried to not being an insomniac since I needed sleep now more than ever. I tried to not depress myself when I thought about Channing and I were now acting like strangers.
Well, he was. Not me. I tried to contact him tirelessly, but nothing had worked out. I even asked Ed, Tony, Lauren, Dorion, everyone of them to take chance to call Channing everyday so that I could hear his voice. It worked out once for each, but after that he didn't pick up the calls anymore.
Let me give you some examples from the calls between my team and my man. It got shortened and shortened, painful and more painful.
1. Dorion:
Dorion had never participated in these things to help anyone out of a fight or something similar to that. He said that it wasn't his job, it's none of his business. But because my miserable ass softened his heart, he decided to break rule for me.
I cried too much to the point that once there was someone mentioned something about "tantrum" but I misheard "Tatum" and I cried my eyes out. My tears broke his heart, he couldn't coldly stand there to hand tissue to his sis anymore so he called Channing.
- What's up, Dorion? – it was Channing's voice!! It sounded tired.
That motherfucker obviously missed me to death and couldn't sleep but was still that stubborn.
I couldn't hold my tears back when I heard his voice for the first time in 2 days, but I couldn't make a noise so I put my hand on my mouth and tried to not cry out loud.
- Ah... just wanna catch up. Haven't seen you in a while. – his acting was so bad.
- It's all good. Don't need to worry for me. – he said.
Oh really? All good? What about me??? You fucking missed me!! Accept it!!
Dorion didn't know anything else to say so he looked over to me.
"Tell him about me." – I mouthed.
"Got it." – he mouthed back.
- So... when will you come over to visit Jess? Come on bro. We all miss you so much over here. – Dorion acted like I didn't tell anyone anything about our fight.
He kept silence for a few seconds and then responded:
- I don't think I'll come anytime soon Dorion. – sadness obviously showed in his voice.
He still cared for me, why didn't he stop ignoring me already?
- Is there a problem? Are you busy? – Dorion asked awkwardly because he had already known what the problem was.
- It's nothing. I just don't feel like traveling. – he faked shit up.
- What about Magic Mike Live in London? Aren't you supposed to be here a few times? – Dorion tried to extend their conversation so I could listen to Channing's voice longer.
- Not really. I have already handovered to my co-producers. I don't think about going back there anymore. – he finally said it. He wanted to break up with me.
Come on Channing Tatum!! I wasn't in danger anymore!! I was right about Brendan, he still had a heart and really desired to change.
Wasn't I being punished long enough? Wasn't it time to forgive me?
I broke down in tears in Ed's arms after getting the hint he was trying to throw. My heart ached like a motherfucker, so I held on to it, rubbed on it vigorously to decrease the acute pain.
Ed kept whispering in my ear: "it's ok Jessie. It's ok."
I just kept shaking my head speechlessly because I couldn't even verbalise. I was too busy catching up with my breath.
IT'S NOT FUCKING OK, ED!! IT'S AWFUL!!
Dorion freaked out, he tried to find some uplifting topics so Channing would say something nice to indirectly comfort me:
- What about Jessie? She missed you man. Come on. Fly your ass here and we'll go out and have some drinks. – Dorion, mentioning me right now didn't help at all, didn't you know that?
- Alright Dorion. We'll definitely have some drinks when you head back here. I gotta go, my daughter is calling me. – he said, and didn't give any chance for Dorion to say one more word, he hung up.
Breaking up this way was really strange, and unacceptable. At least he needed to come here and tell me face to face. Or he should take his time, wait for me to come back to LA and then we'd break up. I wasn't in a hurry of breaking up with him anyway. Why was he so fast like that? Wasn't breaking up with me the hardest thing in the world?
2. Ed:
Of course Ed would do anything to comfort me at that moment. He agreed immediately when I suggested him to call Channing.
- Ed? What are you calling for? – I missed this voice so much. How I wished I could touch and embrace it in my own arms.
- I wanted to, so I called. So what bitch? – Ed wanted to make a joke between them again, but this time was for my benefit.
Every time they fought back and forth it would be a while, and Channing laughed a lot through the process as well. I was so thankful that Ed started that shit again with him.
- You missed me or somethin'? Talk quick 'cause I really have to go. – he said. His voice was so seriously. I bet he knew I was there as well, that's why he acted like an asshole.
- Yeh. A little bit since you weren't with us for quite a decade. Well it does feel like a decade. – Ed sounded a little shy 'cause that was quite cheesy.
That's what I felt when I was away from him. It felt like forever especially when he didn't call at all. God damn him!
- It's really cold there, so remember to wear more clothes. It's gonna rain tomorrow so the ankle will be in pain a little bit, remember to wrap towel with warm water around it. Bye, don't try to call again.
And then he hung up. He wasn't in the mood for fighting like children with Ed anymore, which made Ed turn over to look at me and say sorry.
- It's not your fault, Ed. It's my fault. I made him hate me so... Anyway, at least you helped me know that he still cares. – I smiled while rubbing his back.
I thought my eyes were gonna be blind because of crying too much. And one more round after this was about to come.
He hung up on me too many damn times already.
- Wait until I get you back, I'm gonna hang up on you first and unexpectedly so you will know how that shit feels. – I disturbingly said to myself like I was gonna have a chance to get him back.
3. Tony:
- Hi Channing. – Tony started first.
- I'll call you back later Tony. I have to go. – and then he hung up.
He hated me that much, didn't he? He gave me a hint that he was still alive by revealing a bit of his voice and then hung up.
And guess what? He never called back.
4. Lauren:
- Chan, I need help. – she stopped him from hanging up immediately.
Good job, babe!
- What's the matter Lauren? – he asked.
- Jessie just fainted. Does that matter? – Oh my God sis!! You really went that far?
I covered my mouth I disbelief that she did that to Channing. Oh my God, Channing hates liars as much as I do. If he found out, Lauren definitely would be so dead.
- Come on Lauren. I just saw her like someone's pic on Instagram a few seconds ago. – he replied with his nonchalant voice.
I fucking hate that voice so much. If we ever got back together, I was gonna ban him from talking in that tone to me. He could only talk like that with other women, but not with me. I know Lauren was "other women" in the case but still. He used the tone to talk about me so I hated it.
But when we talk about Instagram, he knew all about what I was doing on there, of course he could see me liking some deep shit about breakup and heartbreak and depression, why the heck he didn't call and comfort me already? Or at least reply my damn messages! I missed him that I couldn't eat anything, weren't he worried? I hate him!
No, I don't. I love that bastard so much and it hurts.
- Lauren I'm really tired. – his selfish ass wanted to hang up again.
Come on! What's so special about your voice that I couldn't hear for a few more minutes? Did you just swallow diamond and didn't wanna lose the value of it so you keep your mouth shut as much as possible?
You're so selfish, Channing! Share me some love please. What's so hard about it?
5. Me:
- Hello. It's Channing speaking.
- ...
- Hello.
- Channing. It's m...
- Tut-tut-tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. – I got a new sim card to call him, and then this happened when he realised it was me.
End of examples. That's painful enough to talk about.
I said I tried but that didn't mean I succeeded all of them. You have no idea how much tears I released everyday in a week, it could make another Pacific Ocean out of it if I didn't use tissue to wipe it off. And you have no idea how much I spent on buying tissue either, it costed a fortune. I lived miserably like that was all because of that attractively cruel asshole. And if I was poor and broke by spending too much on tissue, I was gonna blame him for all of this mess.
I kept my mind thinking positive. I dropped my mediating habit for now because every fucking damn time when my mind was empty and free, it would immediately fill up its own with Channing Tatum's images.
I kept working like crazy to distract my brain from wandering around, because I knew if I let it wander, it would finally end up on thinking about him again.
Channing Tatum was such an asshole!! He was the worst person in the world!! Fuck him!!!! Yes, fuck that man!!! Man, I wanted to fuck him so bad, I missed him so much. It'd been a whole week now; didn't he miss me at some point like I did at every second of the day?
Why was he so angry anyway? I didn't get it. It was just a talk. What would go wrong? I didn't get killed. Wasn't I still alive and talking to him after that though?
------------------------
It's thanksgiving today in LA, I wondered what he's doing over there? Was he thankful for me this year? Was he missing me because I missed him with all my heart.
I kept doing this chewy shit again today, even though I knew he would never reply. I messaged him. I did that everyday to tell him what's going on in my life in case he cared. He never replied and also never read.
I know right? Such a jerk! But I didn't give up, I kept sending and sending.
I would keep doing that until he reported it to the police and they would come to my house and arrest me.
"I'm thankful for you this year, Channing Tatum. You, your love, your effort, your company, your worries, your arrival in my life and your approval of allowing me to call Every Tatum "my Everly". I know you're still very angry at me and won't reply my message, but I understand it. You're acting like this because you're punishing me, and I deserve this. Please take care. I love you to every cell of my being. Happy thanksgiving."
I looked at those lines that I just pressed "send" and whispered:
- Happy Thanksgiving, babe. I love you.
---------------------------------------
This morning was like other mornings in the last one week. I felt exhausted, aimless and empty inside. I woke up just because I needed to do so. If I didn't have a show to do, a flight to catch, honestly I wanted to sleep forever so bad.
I checked my phone. A lot of messages from my loved ones, and I appreciated all of them.
I don't wanna act like an ungrateful piece of shit, but those didn't really make me smile. The one I had waited would never popped up on this screen again. And I'd gotta do something to fix this, otherwise I couldn't live anymore.
All I was doing in the last one week wasn't living, I called it "surviving." I needed to find every possible way in this world to keep myself from collapsing and dying inside, so I could live rather than survive. But I think none of them had worked out, which sucked.
I went on every platform that I connected to Channing socially to check on him. It became a daily routine now.
He hadn't posted much, and the message section hadn't notified any replies from him. BUT WAIT! He read my messages. Like every single one of them, from Instagram, twitter, phone message, he had read all of them. I sent him mails as well but wasn't sure if he read them or not, because that motherfucker was so persistent that he could keep himself from not responding to anything.
But let's make thing positive. He read them. It's a good sign right? It's better than nothing at all. He read means he did care, he cared means I got another chance.
I was so excited so I called Lauren to rearrange my schedule, since I knew Channing had to go to 4 last Magic Mike Live shows. He didn't wanna go obviously, but it was a must so he went.
I decided that I had to go there at any cost. I was gonna get him back so I could fucking live this life again. I was too tired for this, I couldn't even breathe properly because of the lack of his love.
- Are you freaking crazy?! You have a whole show tonight! – Lauren nagged at me in the phone.
- I know sister. I know. But I have to get him back in my life ok? – I begged her to please do something with the motherfucking schedule.
- What if he doesn't wan... - I cut Lauren off immediately before she made me cry again. My eyes were fluffy and sore enough.
- Shut up Lauren. Just shut the hell up if you don't have any positive shit to share. – I tried too damn hard to fight back my tears.
- Ok. I just looked through it. So if you go there, we will miss the flight, and they don't have enough tickets for our whole team the next flight. What do you do then? – Lauren said, I heard the sound of flicking papers from her side.
- What if I go before the show starts? Is that... ok? – I swear at that moment I was the most religious person in this entire world. I prayed for every religion that ever existed in this world to please bless me some luck.
Please say yes sister. Please please please!!
The sound of her flicking papers back and forth, typing on the keyboard got me anxious. I felt like my heart beat out of my chest.
Come on sis! What took you so long???
- Uhm... it's alright. You can go. – she blankly stated.
- Thanks Lauren. Now get someone over here to drive me over there please. – I asked her for the last favour of the day.
---------------------------------
It had seemed like a century since the last time I could see his handsome face. I teared up constantly because I was too excited to see him again.
Hoped he allowed me to hug him. Just once was fine. I needed his warmth and the sound of his heartbeats like crazy. I missed him so much, that my heart ached every single time when I dreamt about him. I remember I was asleep and when I woke up, I was drowning in tears. I didn't usually dream but I saw this man every night in my sleep.
People said if you thought a lot about a particular person during the day too much, you would dream about them at night. People were right, he was the only thing that was on my mind 24/7.
----------------------------
Because everybody there knew that I was his girlfriend, so they allowed me to go in. I was glad that they didn't know I was on a thin line between his "girlfriend" and "ex-girlfriend." Believe me, I would do anything to never be his ex. I would fight to gain his trust again, I promise.
I walked up in front of his dressing room with my heart beating in my throat, I could hear every single beat of it like the heart was hanging next to my ears. I had the password to Channing's dressing room so I just used it to open the door.
Who cared if this shit was illegal? I just needed my man back, ok? My miserable ass needed him to relive again, ok?
I inhaled and exhaled deeply several of times to finally gather some courage to put my hand on the password keyboard and pressed some numbers. I hoped it didn't change, because first of all, it was my birthday, secondly, I would not be able to open the damn door if it's changed.
I pressed gradually one by one number and prayed with all my soul and heart that it was still the same password that he used.
2
7
0
3
8
.
.
.
8
I was so nervous holing on the doorknob. I closed my eyes and held my breath to turn it.
"Crack" – the door opened! It literally opened! He didn't change it!
I turned to the left of the hallway immediately because I thought I just heard something.
The weird sound happened to occur at the exact same time as when the door clicked open, so I wasn't really certain about it. I saw something black just disappeared around the turning corner to another hallway, but again, I wasn't sure though.
My mind wasn't in a stable state and it was the controller of every part of our body, so my ears and eyes might not work very well today as well, since I used all my strength to exhaust myself by crying.
I thought I just misheard something, no need to worry about it, so I turned back to focus on something more important.
The password with my birthday hadn't been changed by him made me genuinely happy. He still loved me, he couldn't deny it.
I was smiling and joyful inside. I didn't care about other things in the world but opened the door, and finally realised that I wasn't emotionally prepared to face him, but it's too late. So I gathered all my strength to have a coward look around to find that image figure that I missed the most.
I turned left, then turned right. Turned back and turned forth. He wasnt anywhere to be found. Wasn't he supposed to be here? They said he was in here when I asked them. I did ask them again a few times to ensure and they were very certain.
He couldn't be out for toilet because there was a toilet in here. Or he might go out there to check on something, I was pretty sure about that, since his belongings were still there. So I gave myself a hopeful smile and decided to stay in the room to wait for him. He would be back after he finished.
5 minutes.
17 minutes.
24 minutes.
I was so bored so I walked around the room to find something that could entertain me while waiting for him to show up.
There was his laptop on the table. I wouldn't do anything to invade his confidential. Don't you worry. I would just plan to use it to surf the internet, to read some tabloids, watch some videos or play some online game for entertainment.
First challenge. His password.
I knew his password but I wasn't sure he had changed it or not, since he hated me now. What I meant by that was because the password is related to me somewhat.
So I stretched my fingers and typed on the keyboard: "jessietatum8880."
The familiar desktop appeared in front of my eyes, which had touched my soul immediately since the second it's captured by my pupils.
This wasn't the first time I saw it, but because of the fact that even when he was angry at me, didn't wanna talk to me anymore, he still wanted to see my face every time he opened his laptop. It was a horizontal picture of me and Channing cuddled on my sofa, Lauren took that pic when she opened my home door one day and saw us snuggling during an afternoon nap.
Now the passwords had never changed, the desktop had never replaced, I was so certain that his iPhone wallpaper that had my morning-just-wake-up face on it, and its passcode with my and his birthday combined had never been changed either.
This man loved me so much, but I hurt him.
--------------------------
I opened Chrome to watch YouTube or to do something else interesting. But as I opened it, the window appeared as Gmail. I think he installed Gmail automatically as the first thing to show when he opened Chrome. At first, I didn't really notice anything about it, but then I saw my email.
You know every time after you read someone's mails, they will be from bold to normal font? The mails that I sent him were no longer bold. They all had been read. This sneaky bastard seriously cared so much about me but contained all of his being to not reply anything of them. I smiled hard and clicked on my own mails to reread what I had sent.
First one: "Channing Tatum, can you please answer my call? I miss you so fucking much. I'm dyingggggg!!!"
Second one: "Baby, I am sorry. Truly sorry from the bottom of my heart, can you please forgive me? I know I made you worried so much about my safety, and I played with my own life, I know I am wrong. So can you please give me some attention?"
Third one: "I am crying, I can not breathe. I felt like I nearly just died. Don't you worry about me anymore? Don't you love me anymore?"
Last one: "Channing, are we breaking up?"
I then noticed a number 4 in the draft region, which was such a coincidence since I also sent him 4 mails. It's illegal to do that right? And rude? And disrespectful?
You know what? Fuck it.
Imma read those drafts because I was curious to the point my mind would explode from regretting not opening them earlier when I remembered about it later on.
So I clicked.
And everything came to a certain level of senses now after I made a brave click.
First draft: "I miss you too, Jessica Cornish. I want to die too, Jessica Cornish. You don't know how hard I am trying right now to not flying to London for a hug from you."
Second draft: "Sometimes you don't have a choice to forgive someone. It's too late now. And don't be sorry, I'm the selfish one who chose not to tolerate you anymore, so I'm the one that needs to say sorry. I'm sorry."
Third draft: "I worry about you, I love you. But what is the point of it, Jessica? I still can't figure out."
Last draft: "I feel like you don't appreciate me in your life. I don't care about other people, so if they don't count on me, it doesn't matter. But you are different, you're so special to my heart and soul. I care about every tiny detail of yours.
You know you're the first person ever that gets me sick when you're not feeling well. Even when it comes to Everly, Everly's mom or my family members, I have never felt that way before. Therefore, it hurts really bad when I don't feel the same thing from you. I feel like I don't have any affection in your life, since when you decided something, you had rarely wanted my opinions.
You know what's harder for me to deal? Numerous of times from the first day I laid my eyes on you, I even considered we could get married one day. I really want our relationship to work out but Jessie, but I don't feel like I can keep walking on the same path with you anymore. It hurts to keep going on stubbornly, I don't think I can bear any longer.
You know I was worried sick for you about that Brendan Flora whole thing, I was scared to death that I was gonna lose my Jessie if she had ever met that evil bastard again. Every time when the police said that they found someone suspected wandering around your house or wherever you were, I panicked and shivered like an abandoned wet puppy in the rain.
I don't wanna say "the first time" too much because it sounds like I'm lying. But truthfully those were first times ever that I worried about something/someone that much. I didn't even cry when my grandparents die even though it hurt like a bitch. But I cried for you every fucking time when you're in pain. I found myself weird, but one day I finally realised that love created weirdness and increased your stupidity.
When I received the anonymous message, I decided to go back to LA. First was to check on my daughter and her mother. But second was to arrange work and businesses in place and hand them over to someone else, since I determined to leave everything less important aside to just focus on you - the most important matter at this point of my life, because I thought that was when you needed me most. And all you did was risking it and said it was all fine. How was I supposed to instantly believe without doubts that it was absolutely fine, Jessica Cornish?
You told me he's not really a rapist or murderer. You said you're alive after all and that's all that mattered. And you told me everything was just a big misunderstanding. But have you ever thought about the fact that I've never met that person so I didn't really know how he was like? And I love you so much, so I couldn't let anything bad happen to you, which made me act strongly against it.
I wasn't there to acknowledge his extreme sincerity that you told me about. I wasn't the witness of how he changed your mind just in a moment. I didn't know anything apart from what you said, and I didn't know about that guy, so how was I supposed to believe that he was what you described to me?
It's not that I don't believe you, but it's because I don't believe him. All I knew was that that bastard hurt you painfully and he nearly killed you. That's all I knew and thought about, but then out of a sudden you said you wanted to forgive him.
What am I to you?
Jessie, I exploded because I tried so damn hard to protect you and all you did was saying that my protection was over the limitation, and that it was not worth it.
Jessica Cornish, the way you love me is just unbearable.
I used to get hurt the way you almost did to me, and I just had to resist that shit from re-happening. Because I don't think I can relive another fresh life if i ever got hurt in that shitty way again.
I still don't know when I'll have enough bravery to say this to you since I just found out that I love you more than myself, and I sincerely am not confident to let you go, but yes we are breaking up, Jessica."
I didn't know I was crying that much until my sight become blurry and I lost my complete control over my body. I called Dorion from the car to run in immediately and save my ass, because I couldn't fucking breathe. It's so fortunate that I still had the strength to find my phone and call someone for help.
I collapsed on the chair, my eyelids were so heavy that I didn't just want to sleep, I wanted to die. I wanted to close my eyes forever, or someone please just take my fucking brain away, 'cause I didn't want to remember anything that I just read.
"No, we are not breaking up! No, we are still in love and will be together forever." Those were the shit that I wanted to keep in my mind. Not those nasty things that nearly paralysed my heart.
A few minutes later Dorion stormed in as I was conscious enough earlier to remember to tell him the password of the room.
- OH MY GOD JESSIE, WAKE THE FUCK UP! DON'T SCARE ME! – Dorion slightly slapped two sides of my face to hopefully get me back to life.
I used the last piece of my strength to grab his collar and pulled him into me. When his ear was inches apart from my mouth, I mentally screamed for help:
- Dorie, I can't breathe.
- It's ok sis. I'm here for you. It's ok now. – I couldn't see his face at that moment but his voice was shaking.
I remember someone used to tell me "All Dorion cares in the world are his family and you, his little sister, Jessica Cornish." I always keep it in mind and have been thankful for him in every second of my life since the day we met.
Dorion scooped my light body up into his arms as I could feel his muscles tightened up to carefully hold me tight but not cause any pain to me.
When I was safe in Dorie's arms, I whispered whilst tears were uncontrollably streaming down my face:
- Dorion, Channing Tatum... - I couldn't repeat what happened because the words that I was about to say next could cause sharp pain to my already-hurtful-enough heart.
- What's wrong? Why is he not here with you? – he gently asked me, while he was walking hurriedly to the front door of the building after kicking Channing's dressing room door close.
- He wasn't... here, he doesn't... doesn't wanna see me... any... more. He... wanted to... break... break... break up... with... me. – I barely said anything, I just difficultly breathed out the words in my mind, but luckily Dorion could understand all of it.
- If he wasn't here, why do you know he wanna break up with you? – he asked.
- I read... I... - it was a long story and I was struggling with getting with words out. Damn it!
- You know what? Shut up. You are not allowed to talk in situations like this anyway. – his impatient but worried ass shut me up.
A few seconds later he continued:
- But what? Break up? What's wrong with that stupid head? If what you said is true, don't even let me see him again, otherwise I'm gonna kill him. – Dorion angrily hissed.
- No Dorie. No... don't... don't hurt... him. – I reached my hands to Dorion's face, and put all my strength in to pitch his ears. I tried to stop him from hurting Channing.
Dorion shook his head to get my arm out of his sight, since my poor strength didn't cause any pain to his ears.
- Ok ok ok. I will not. Now stop it. I can't see shit! – Dorie sighed at my pathetic ass.
The man tried to leave me, why did I chase after him anyway? If that's not a pathetic action, then I don't know what is.
Remember what I predicted from the beginning? Our relationship was just a temporary thing, we would not go far, this thing between us would never ever last.
I knew it at the first place, why was I so desperate about it anyway? That didn't make sense at all.
May be what turned me into a mess was because I didn't predict it would end this quick. May be that's why.
Jessie J, please put your shit together! You got shows to do. You gotta roll on your own, because ain't nobody would do it for you anymore. Not any... more.
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