i'm learning how to knit rats and im honestly just projecting that onto jeremy but anyways in this chapter i talk about knitted rats and i had a bit of trouble describing it so here's a picture: https://gyazo.com/33b1843bc248bc804665a04751d0ed85 (just copy and paste it into your google search bar lmao)
Every other day it seemed like Jeremy's house was dark and empty, with no one in it but him and his cats, Schnappi and Snoop. His dad wasn't there half the days I visited, (which was everyday, mind you) and when he was there, he seemed dejected and neglectful.
Today was no different. All the lights were off and all the curtains were pulled close. No door was left open, all of them shut tightly. The only sound that echoed across the house was the sound of the refrigerator doing its thing.
As I knocked on Jeremy's bedroom door, no one answered. I open the door slowly, looking through the creek and seeing Jeremy sit there, petting his cat sitting in his lap idly.
"Hey, dude, everything alright?"
He takes a few seconds to react and then looks up slowly, his lips slowly curling into a crooked smile, "Michael."
"Hey Jere," I saluted jokingly, closing the door behind me, sitting on the bed in front of him, "You said you wanted me to come over."
He was quiet.
"Y-you said you liked rats?" Jeremy's voice was really shaky.
I scrunched up my nose, that's kinda off topic, huh? "Yeah, they're my favourite, why?"
"I, uh... I-I made you one?" He says unsurely, nervousness dripping in his tone. He takes something out of his pocket, "Uhm, Christine and I are learning how to knit animals and stuff, and we were making rats, and I know you love them, so I made one for you, and uh..."
He hands me a little wool sausage with a tail, ears and two beads for eyes and I almost spontaneously combust because holy shit, it's fucking adorable.
"I get it's kinda stupid, I dunno. It just made me..." he hesitates, "Made me think of you, I guess."
"I fucking love him, holy shit, Jere," I stare down at it for a minute, not being able to comprehend that this dumbass literally knitted a fucking rat for me, "Not the usual gift, but I really, really appreciate you thinking about me, thanks, man."
He beams, "Uh, yeah! Yeah..." he hesitates for a minute, "You're welcome...?" He says unsurely. It sounded like no one ever thanked him for anything, which was absurd. I mean, he's friends with Christine, Chloe and Jenna, they're all pretty grateful people—Okay, maybe not Chloe, but the other two still thank him for stuff, don't they?
"You want to talk about the whole... cancer thing?"
He shakes his head hurriedly, "Uhm, I... in a minute?"
"Okay, cool, how'd you make the rat?"
"Oh! Uh, you just take some stuffing, and then you knit a little blanket around it and then add a string for the tail. You just kinda thread the beads into the wool and then you've got a little rad rat," he smiles faintly, "What are you naming him?"
"Jeremy."
"Yeah?"
"No, that's what I'm naming him. Jeremy the rat."
Jeremy tilts his head and then breaks into a small grin. We seem to stop for a moment, and we both sit there, quiet.
There was a strange tension in the air.
"I'm sorry for not telling you what stage of cancer I was at," he says sympathetically, "I... Uh, I get that it wasn't cool of me, as my best friend you deserve to know that kind of stuff, and I just wanted to apologize."
"Hey man, it's okay," I pat his shoulder half-heartedly, "I don't deserve to know anything, you owe me nothing, okay? I mean, you knitted me a rat, for fuck sake, anyone who knits me a rat could murder me in cold blood and with my dying breath I would still defend them in court."
Jeremy chokes out a laugh, "Thanks, man."
"Hug?" I ask jokingly, holding my arms out, but I meant it.
He nodded hastily, falling forward into my arms, not really making any effort to reciprocate the hug physically, but at least the emotion was in it.
I let out a sigh and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head on his.
I made a personal decision that I would stay quiet until he decided he wanted to talk. I feel kind of guilty for pushing his boundaries a bit on that Skype call. I want him to be able to be comfortable with me, and if that means sitting here hugging for a few days then so be it.
After what I could only have guessed was around five minutes, he pulled away, his expression calmer and his muscles less tensed, "Okay," he sighs, "I think I'm ready to talk now," he says, with confidence this time, and less shakiness in his voice.
"Alright man, I'm ready when you are."
He exhales, crossing his legs and resting his hands in his lap, "Okay. Alright. Uh, so. I feel like... I feel like I should just let it all out now, that way we know everything's out there, there is some good news that I'm not telling you, so I think it's important you know all that. That way I'm not like, holding anything back from you?" He suggests.
"You don't have to talk about anything you're not comfortable with though."
"No, no. I need to talk about this with someone. I don't want to keep all of this to myself," he makes some stiff hand movements, "I want you to know what's going on with me. And it's not bad, I promise."
Damn, how much has been keeping under wraps? "You talk when you're ready."
He takes in a deep breath, "M-my doctors think I should do radiation. It's kind of like chemotherapy, but it only affects the part of my body that has cancer, instead of my entire body, you know?"
"So, you're losing your hair?"
"No, radiation therapy only causes hair loss to the body part being treated, and you don't have any hair on your throat so..." he cuts himself off and hesitates for a moment, "I... I'm just kinda glad I get to keep my hair, which is kind of a stupid concern, considering what's been going on with me these past couple of months."
I stay quiet, urging him to go on.
"I know I'm a cancer patient... but I don't want to live like one? And I think chemotherapy really would've skewed that, y'know? Because chemotherapy is like the stereotypical cancer thing, and I feel like taking part in it would've solidified this whole 'I have a terminal illness' feeling and that's something I really didn't want."
"Yeah, I get that," I try to connect with him, "You don't want people thinking about cancer the moment they see you."
"Yeah, that! Christine tells me she completely forgets I have cancer sometimes, and I like that effect because it makes me feel safer in my own skin, if my friends keep forgetting I have this... this thing in my throat then it just kind reminds me that, well, maybe they aren't just hanging out with me because of pity, you get me?"
I give him a reassuring smile, "So radiation? What did your doctor say about it?"
"Well, she said it has a good chance of helping me, and at the very least it'll at least shrink the tumour a bit," he says everything so precisely that it almost sounds like he wrote a script for this exact conversation, but I guess that's just a side-effect of hearing his doctor say it like this word-for-word, "It was really expensive, so that put me off at first, but our health insurance will help pay a lot, so that's pretty good."
"Bro, that's great! When are you going on it?"
"I don't exactly know yet, it's still just a concept that my doctor proposed, but I... I think I'm going to go through with it," he twinkled, "I mean, I don't have anything to lose and... man, if this works then..." he breaks off into a smile before he can finish his sentence.
I feel my eyes burn, because the sudden surge of happiness that shot through my heart was too much for my serotonin levels to handle, "Oh my god, you're serious?"
He can barely finish his sentence because he's so giggly, "I could be cancer-free by the end of this! Maybe a few small surgeries on the side, and then it's all gone! Then I can start eating again, and it won't hurt anymore, and—"
"Dude!" I abruptly pull him into a hug, "That's amazing, holy shit!"
"It is! It really is," he starts laughing again, his body movements giddy.
Something seemed kind of strange to me though, "Why were you so upset on Skype then? I mean, this is good news, right?"
"It's just, agh, I know radiotherapy has amazing success rate, and it's definitely fit for what stage I'm at and stuff, and it's going to help me out a lot, but it's just gonna be a kinda long journey, yknow? I mean, this whole abdominal pain and blood vomit thing is really sucky, and I'm going to have to live with that before radiotherapy can do its magic. I know it's temporary, but still kinda sucks."
"And you'll only have to life through that for a little while and then it's all over, dude! Then you'll be healthy again, just like how you always were, remember?"
Jeremy chortled, stuffing his hands in his face, "I'm just... I'm really excited! I haven't told Christine yet, because I want everything to be set in stone before I tell Christine, Chloe and Jenna. I know they'll want all the details, and I don't necessarily have them yet."
"That's understandable, you can tell them whenever you're ready, right?"
"I just kinda have to deal with all this sadness before I can be like, cancer-free. And radiotherapy has some small side-effects, nothing major though. I'm just... excited?"
"You should be, dude! I'm totally surprised I'm not sobbing, right now," I joke, rubbing my hand down his arm absent-mindedly.
He lets out a content sigh and pokes my cheek jocularly, "You dork."
"No, you're a dork."
Jeremy feigns offence, "Am not!"
"Are too!" I ruffle his hair, trying to make him look as stupid as possible.
Jeremy dissolves into giggles, and soon so do I, and now we're just two dumbasses that are excited that Dumbass #2 actually found something that might save his life. My heart is beating so fast that it definitely was not healthy. I don't think being this happy is good for my physical health.
The conversation quickly dissipated into a completely different topic, but everything felt lighter and bubblier. Like an unspoken weight on both of our shoulders had mysteriously disappeared and all that was left behind was happy memories and stupid video game references.
And for the first time this month, I feel true and pure unadulterated joy.