Why everytime I start feeling happy, someone fucks it up for me. She just brought back my thoughts, ugh! I just stood at the door with my mouth slightly opened. I was so into my thoughts.
"Toni are you okay? Don't you want some food?" Jax asked. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me towards him. I shook my head and returned to the real world.
"I'm fine. Let's eat," I said barely audible. I softly pushed him away and to kitchen.
"Who was at the door?" he interrogated. I stopped and looked at him, also making sure Luke wouldn't be able to hear. He shouldn't considering the kitchen is a little far and he chew extremely loud.
"Dammit Jax it wasn't anyone so stop asking me questions alright!" I exclaimed. He was about to open his mouth, but I stopped him,"and no, I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay whatever you say," he said putting his hands up in defense. The entire time we ate, I was silent. I was in my own thoughts once again. Luke is pretty smart and knew there was tension. He had excused himself about two minutes ago, but I didn't say a single word.
There was a part in my brain that was screaming to say something to Jax.
"You want to have sex?" I asked. He spit out the water that he was drinking. He coughed a couple of times before finally getting his breathing back to normal.
"Toni are you sure?" he questioned.
"Yeah we can do it tomorrow, or even now I don't care," I said shrugging like it was no big deal. He didn't seem to believe me, and just shook his head.
"Don't get me wrong baby, I'd love to do that with you. Hell, I've wanted it since you came to school, but I don't believe you. You wouldn't break your walls so easily," he replied. I put my head in my hands and took a deep breath.
"C'mon Jax!" I whined, "we can do it now! Please! I need to make you happy."
"You already make me happy," I heard his voice say. His chair screeched against the tile and he pulled me into a hug, "what makes you think you don't make me happy?"
"It's dumb...but I'm a virgin and you've been with multiple girls. The person at the door was someone at school talking about having some fun with you. She told me it's never stopped you before when you had a girlfriend to fuck other girls. I just thought I don't make you happy, because I've never done anything with you," I confessed.
"Don't think like that alright. You make me happy all the time," he said kissing my nose,"you don't give that up until you're ready. A virginity is something special and you should cherish it. Not just give it to any asshole."
"But you're not an asshole," I breathed out,"you're a better person than you think you are. I see you differently you know. A different light than when I first met you. You're very caring, protective, and brave. You may be selfish, but you're still a good person."
"Wow thanks babe," he said kissing my forehead,"but what you're saying is that you'd like to give it to me?" he asked. He looked unsure, but there was hope in his eyes. Hope that I'd say yes to let him have something so close to me.
"Yup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I left Jax's house an hour ago. The house was so quiet and I was just with Luke sitting around. I had school in the morning. I thought about how losing it to Jax would be like. Obviously painful. What if it's like...too big?! That's horrifying. Or what if he has a Mike & Ike between his thighs?
Well that's stupid. Why would girls be all over something so little? Maybe he knows how to work it..now I'm just thinking about it too much. I mean ever since that situation, it's all I've been thinking about oddly. Like when will it happen? How much is it going to hurt? Is it going to be awkward? Does he have a nice butt?
Well the last one I already know. I mean girls stare at girl butts. His is nice...
"Ugh why am I thinking about this?" I groaned. I turned to my side and stared out my window, "virginity is special and I want to give it to him. But when? When will I be ready to finally give him all my trust? Maybe we can start slow. The small things like foreplay...and then the big BANG!" I said to myself in the dark. I guess this is how relationships work. You're nervous and don't know if you can satisfy your partner. This means I need to do research.
I'll look at porn in the morning.
With that last thought I went to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long exhausting day at school and finishing homework, I was in my room. Luke was at his friends house down the street having a playdate. I opened my laptop, ready to see what needs to be done.
I typed pornhub on my laptop and clicked on whatever link. It started off very dumb though. The girl ordered pizza and happened to be in a matching pink lace bra and pantie set with guarders. The pizza boy was so tan like an orange.
"Who the hell opens the door in that outfit? Really?" I mumbled to myself.
"You want to take this inside," she said trying to be seductive. This acting is horrible. The boy nodded and picked her up, leading her up the stairs. The sad thing is:they left the pizza on the doorstep. The hell? Eat the pizza atleast.
They started going at it, and she pulled the jr. out. How do those fit inside of girls? I'm more than scared now. She was screaming really loud and her butt was really big.
"Why can't I have an ass like that?" I said pouting.
"Toni what the hell are you watching!?" yelled a voice. I turned with wide eyes to the door. I could feel heat going onto my cheeks. There was Jax looking at me, a seventeen year old girl, watching porn. On high volume. I'd rather have my mom catch me to be honest.
"Um....a movie. It just has scene in it," I stuttered. He didn't seem convinced and pulled the laptop away from me. He quickly logged out and shut it. He eyed me like parent. His brows furrowed and lips in a thin line. Jaw clenched. I wanted to jump out my window, " hey babe. How'd you get in here?"
"The key in your plant pot at the front door. Why are you watching porn?" he asked. He just stared me down as I sat on the end of the bed. I couldn't take his hard gaze on me so I stared at my feet.
"I wasn't watching porn. That's nasty."
"I caught you right handed babe, really!" he shouted. I don't feel like being treated like a nine year old who stole candy. I mean I understand what the big deal is. I thought guys liked it when girls watched that kind of stuff?
"Why are you so mad anyways? Atleast I'm learning stuff," I laughed. He lifted my chin, making me look him in the eye. He still had a really stern look on his face.
"I don't want you watching that stuff, because I want you to be so innocent when the time comes. I don't even want you watching it," he answered.
"Seriously? You know how many movies I've seen with this stuff? Shows? I think I just didn't see it this...explicit."
I was so honest. I literally saw everything and almost couldn't breathe. My semi innocent eyes.
Jax sat next to me and chuckled. I hugged him tightly and didn't know what to do.
"I am shocked. I thought it would be the other way around," he confessed. I slapped his arm and got up. I realized that I had short shorts on. I was comfortable and it's warm in the house. I could feel Jax's eyes on me.
"Please don't look at my but Jax. I didn't know you were going to be here," I pleaded, "or I'm going to change into something else-"
"No keep them on!" he exclaimed. I was shocked at his tone. Ha, desperate, " I mean *cough* I won't try anything funny. I'll probably slap it to be honest. I will stare. Just let me have this one moment."
"Okay okay," I giggled.
I was just getting out of the bathroom and I felt a slap on my butt. This has to be the thousandth time.
"Jax I swear to god if you don't stop touching my butt! I'm changing I don't care. I can't take it anymore. I feel harrassed," I groaned. I ran into my room and put on some sweatpants. I heard Jax whine on and on about how I changed, "well you should've stopped touching it."
"But it's so cute," he said poking my cheek, " it's like to apples. I can't help it I'm a man."
There was a knock on the door. Maybe it was the pizza. I opened the door to see the same girl from yesterday. I walked on the porch and closed the door. Crossing my arms underneath my chest and nodded my head towards her as a sign to start talking.
"Jax said to pick him up from your house. Since you're not having sex with him anytime soon," she said with a smirk. Oh how much I want to slap that off her face. I needed to stop getting into fights, so I just stayed calm.
"Why don't you just turn around and go home. I'm pretty sure he didn't call you over here. That would be disrespectful to me. Now why don't you get your ass off of my doorstep," I said turning back around. She pulled me back to face her again. Stay calm Toni.
"Listen, I am going to get what I want and I don't need you ruining my day," she said poking me after every syllable.
"If you were a smart girl and want to leave with that hand, you'd stop poking me. Now get off my damn porch," I said between my teeth. She slowly pulled her hand away and turned around and walked to her car. But she stopped and looked back at me.
"If you think being the way you are working, you're clearly mistaken. He doesn't love you like I said. Like Brendan said, like Hayley said. You're nothing to him!" she exclaimed.
"Keep thinking that. That's why you're the stupid one standing at my doorstep asking for someone elses boyfriend. Are you really that desperate and disrespectful?!" I screamed. I was so fed up with people saying he didn't care about me. It pierced me in the heart everytime, "why don't you go find someone else to fuck around with. You're a friend of Hayley aren't you?" She didn't say anything. Just stood still.
"Stop listening to her alright. She's just trying to get into your head. You probably even think she's a real friend to you. She's only using you to get closer to Jax. Have a pleasant day!"
I walked back into the house, slamming the door shut. Jax was on the couch with his eyes wide open.
"You want to make out while watching a movie?" I asked.
Yes short chapter and I'm starting school on Monday kill me. That one part in the chapter was nearly uncomfortable for me to write. But I still didn't care. If you guys think I'm funny you should read my rant book. Yeah I got that serious where I felt I needed to vent things about life yadayadayada. You don't have to read it, but damn well will make me love you more than I already do. So how do you think this relationship is going to go? Swimmingly. Soon this first book will come to an end. It's sequel will start. I'm already writing another book other than the rant book. I love writing. It makes me feel accomplished even if people don't read it. Bye lovelies.