Copyright © 2018 Nicole Mckoy
Jacob P.O.V.
I sat in the chair by the window just watching Traci sleep.
I couldn't sleep last night. I just couldn't get comfortable let alone get all the racing thoughts in my head to stop.
I didn't know what had my anxiety in overdrive right now. It didn't happen until Traci left me in this hotel room alone for that hour when she went back to her condo.
I was worried I wouldn't be able to even get on the plane here. I haven't been on a plane since I had that flight back to Texas after being discharged from the military.
I haven't been away from home since I moved back. Being in New York should have been something I was excited about but I was just feeling so anxious.
I didn't know if that was due to never being away from Texas since accepting that I suffer from PTSD and everything. Or was I just feeling out of place. I mean this is Traci's city with a life she built with another man.
Did I really want to be in their city?
I heard a phone beep and I got up.
My phone was sitting by Traci's on the nightstand.
I went to see if it was my phone.
When I walked over to the nightstand it was Traci's phone that was lit up.
She had a new text message from Beck.
It said.
I'm not selling our condo. Come home and talk to me like a grown woman. I know you can forgive me. That kiss last night proved that you still love me. I'll be at home all day so come by whenever you want. I know we can work this out baby.
Traci kissed him!
I put her phone back down and felt my heart begin to race.
I can't do this!
I can't trust us to work with her living here and me living in Texas.
If she's close to this guy she'll fall back into his arms.
I mean she was gone for an hour and seemed to forget all about me.
Was she still in love with that guy even though she said she was done with him?
I mean she broke up with me and I still was in love with her all this time.
When you love someone those feelings don't just die.
Especially when you don't want them to.
Coming here was a mistake.
Jumping back into a relationship with Traci was a mistake.
I was kidding myself to think she could still seriously want a guy like me.
I mean she dumped me for a reason right?
I wasn't want she wanted anymore. I wasn't good enough.
I couldn't compete with her lawyer ex fiancé, fiancé, or whatever he is currently to her.
I got up and started getting dressed.
Maybe I could get a flight back to Texas by this afternoon.
I got dressed and grabbed my phone.
I started looking up flights.
As I looked for flights I saw Traci stirring in bed. She opened her eyes and smiled at me from across the room.
"Good morning," she smiled.
She slipped out of bed and walked over to me.
She came up to me and I took a step back.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Nothing," I said as I brushed her off and moved.
"Jacob come here. I want a good morning kiss," Traci said flirtatiously.
Was she serious?
"Well maybe you should go home and get one from your fiancé. I mean since you're still letting him kiss you even when you say you're done with him and back with me now!" I accused.
"Jacob... I...-"
"Don't even lie to me! He texted you this morning and I read it! I know you kissed him when you allegedly went to get your stuff! Was a kiss all that happened between you two?" I asked nervous for the truth.
"So you're going through my phone now! Jacob what the hell! You have no right to go through my stuff! I don't go through your stuff!" Traci said upset.
"Well I wouldn't care if you went through my phone because I have nothing to hide! I have laid it all out for you! I have told you everything! But I feel like you're still holding back! Do you still want to be with him?" I asked.
Traci ran her hand through her hair and looked stressed.
"Jacob we have talked about everything. You know who I want to be with," Traci said.
"Well kissing him doesn't make me feel too secure in this relationship sorry! Maybe I should go back to Texas and kiss Laci and see how that makes you feel!" I threatened.
"I have been understanding about you and Laci because I know we had years apart! But to throw her in my face like that is low Jacob! I was with Beck for six years! We were engaged! Old habits die hard! It meant nothing and I stopped it before it turned into anything and came right back here to you." Traci argued.
"Oh thanks! I'm feeling so secure knowing you rushed back over to me out of what? Pity!" I said.
"Jacob you need to calm down," Traci said.
"No I need to get a flight back home and stop kidding myself! How did I ever think this would really work! We are not the same people we use to be and you clearly are still hung up on a man that cheated on you!" I said.
"You're being a real jerk Jacob!" Traci said looking like she was going to cry.
"No! You're the jerk! You're playing with my heart when you know it's fragile! You know I still love you and want to be together! You know I'm not still hung up on anyone else! You know I only want you! I don't feel like you even know what you really want! Traci I can't have you break my heart again! I can't take it!" I said.
"So what you just want to go back to Texas and call this off? You don't want to be together?" Traci said sadly.
"Traci I want more than anything to be together. But I want all of you or none of you. I can't have you with one foot in this relationship and one foot out," I said.
"Jacob I want to be with you," Traci said.
"I'm sorry but I honestly don't think you really mean that. I think you just don't want to be alone right now after having had your heart broken. You see I know how having a broken heart feels... only feeling like it can be mended by the one that broke it in the first place. You are feeling that now and sadly for me I can't fix what another man broke especially when a part of you might still want that man," I said.
"Jacob-"
"Don't say anything. I get it. Coming here was a mistake and way too soon," I said.
"Jacob I don't want you to leave," Traci said with tears running down her cheeks.
"Well I can't stay knowing that you kissed him and couldn't even come back here and tell me. Instead you came back like everything was fine. Traci what I need from you is complete honesty and you can't seem to give me that," I said.
"I- I- I... Jacob I don't know what to say," Traci said.
"There's nothing else to say besides goodbye," I said.
This was over.
It should have never started back up.
Maybe instead of following my heart I should have listened to every thing inside me telling me this would only end up how it was ending.
I'd lost Traci once and it hurt like hell.
At least this time I was getting ahead of the painful heartbreak to follow.
Author's Note: So this was supposed to be a Novella ending by chapter twenty. We're at chapter twenty and it just feels like Traci and Jacob's story isn't complete.... Or maybe it is? I had an Epilogue I was going to post to finish out this Novella. You all can tell me what you think about that. Do you want to read more of Traci and Jacob or should their story end with this stand alone Novella?