It was Sunday, my day off after 2 hella shows in the UK. I decided to move from Bournemouth to Sheffield so I could rest here and didn't have to do anymore travel, since I had a show on the next day in Sheffield.
I was walking back to my hotel room from the dining area, and I had nothing to do when I was back in the room anyway, so I called my beau Channing Tatum to have some "girls" talk.
(he is my bitch LOL. I can share anything to him. He will patiently listen and then give me advice over every little thing. I will take it or let him do it for me kaka. Things I can share with my girl Holly, I also can share with him. But things I can share with him which sometimes is not ready suitable to share with Holly. Sorry Hollyyyyy~~ =]])
We talked almost the whole day everyday since the day I left LA for NYC, except from when I performed. Well, actually when I was performing, Tony had to stand down somewhere off the stage and hold the phone for him to enjoy my performances each night through Facetime.
We were pretty much being present for each other, just not in persons. It's sad that I couldn't touch him and felt his extremely warm muscles, but I had no choice, we're so far apart.
Because England time is 8 hours ahead LA time, and my shows started at night over here, which is very early morning over there. That stupid head consistently stayed up soooooooo late just to watch me. When the show finished, he still didn't want to sleep first. He had to know that I was safely and comfortably in bed, had a blanket over me, closed my eyes and actually was asleep, he then slept with our phone calls still on the line.
I have to say my man doesn't know what boredom is when it comes to me performing over and over again my songs. Even I got sick of singing a few of them sometimes, but he didn't show any unsupportive behaviours towards them. In case you didn't read the tabloids, he came to see me on stage every single show I did in the US, like every fucking show. He was there for me from the moment I arrived to the moment I was on my tour bus bed getting ready to sleep.
Since I'd been gone, he didn't have much of a good sleep. He started working again after a long break and that was the time sleep was all he needed. But despite how many times I nagged him to sleep early, persuaded him I was ok without him, he still wanted to be there for me when I dreamt about his handsome face.
- Hi Channing!!!! It's me!!! Your fave!!
We just finished our call 2 hours ago, but I was still so excited to talk to him again. I couldn't wait to see him again. I missed him so much that no words could describe. Oh man what do people call it? Madly in love???
- Hi Jess. – he weakly smiled, seemed tired.
2 hours ago was a normal phone call so I couldn't see how tired he was.
Poor baby.
- Hey. What's wrong? Are you not feeling well? – concern shown clearly in my voice.
He laid down on a pillow and answered:
- Not really. I'm fine Jessica Cornish. Don't worry.
Wait a minute! I've never seen that pillow cover before. I didn't buy him any white pillow covers and he didn't have any white ones in stoke either. And that bedrail is weird. That's for sure not his room.
No. wait. He could be in my apartment. He has the key.
But I don't have white coloured pillow covers either, and my bed doesn't have a bedrail.
But why is the pink eye mask on the nightstand sooooo familiar? It doesnt matter. Eye mask is popular and pink is popular as well. People have it too. No big deal.
I tried to keep myself calm by telling myself "I'm a calm person, I live without doubts, I believe in him, he's a good guy."
- Channing. Where are you? – I asked with a normal facial expression.
- I'm... in my ah... yeh my room. – hesitation, lack of determination, liar alert, CHEATER!!!
I was just gone for not even a week and he was in another bitch's bed? That fucking Tatum better stick his ass right there, I'm coming to chop him and the bitch into pieces.
My mum used to say handsome, charismatic guys don't have loyalty and faith in their blood, but I laughed at her and told her wrong, not every handsome man was like that.
Such an ah-ha moment. I was the wrong one. My mum is always right. MUM, I'M SORRY!! How was I that stupid not listen to her wise words? God had damned me hard for ignoring my mum's caution.
So I accelerated the speed on my feet. I planned in my head how to pack up the quickest and flew there to kill the evil pair. And I didn't even care to know where I supposed to go and find him when I got to LA, or there was a chance that he's in another city.
- You stay right there. Move a fucking centimetre and I will cut your balls-pin-hammer off. You hear me? – I said without looking into the phone.
I was busy getting back to my room, and trying to balance on my feet to not fall down. Falling causes hundreds of deaths around the world guys. I was not gonna die that early and let them cheat on me like that.
- What are you talking about? – he asked.
I didn't even notice his tone and other shit. I was burning inside and my blood was boiling, and my ears are buzzing as well.
He said something else but I couldn't care less, so I ended the call. I believed my feeling this time.
- Your ass will be so dead. – I said to myself while trying to turn the room doorknob.
I surprised myself that I didn't even cry of the doubt. It might be because I was so sick of cheating and lying, and I ain't waste any tears for those dirty, filthy, ungrateful, disgusting, shitty circumstances. When I was younger, I had a lot of that shit already, and I promised myself not to fall into that hole again, but I guessed I failed the mission.
As soon as I stepped inside the living room area, my hands instantly grabbed everything around me and shoved them all in the travel bag.
- I thought you were different from the rest of the world. I was dead wrong. – I said with anger raising in my voice.
- Who was not different from the rest of the world? – there was a voice behind me, which startled the shit out of me, so I instantly turned around to look at the motherfucker with my frustrating face.
I didn't care who the hell was talking to me. Try to touch me when I was mad, even if it's a butcher or a murderer, I would butch and murder both.
I couldn't believe what's going on in front of my eyes. I covered my mouth in disbelief:
- HOLLY SHIT! – I shouted.
- Hi. – the bad guy who just got me into the worst doubt of my life just greeted me while he was stepping out from the sleeping area.
I speeded up my feet not to approach but pass Channing. He intended to hug me as he gave me the wide opening hands gesture, but I pushed him out of my way and stepped into the sleeping area.
I saw the strange bedrail, the unfamiliar colour pillow covers. And a pink eye mask on the nightstand immediately caught my eyes. No wonder it looked so familiar.
I stepped out of there the second I was sure that I wasn't dreaming. I accelerated to approach him. When I was inches away from him, I stutteringly asked:
- Channing! How...? Why? What... why are you here?
- I missed you, so I came to see you. – he just said it as it was, with his warm eyes looking into my eyes.
- I missed you too. – I exhaled to relieve myself, and smiled to his handsome face. OMG I thought I was losing him for someone else.
He had no idea how much I missed him. I was craving for his smell and touch like a crazy cat woman craving for more cats.
- But why did you pack up your stuff? Are you going somewhere? But your show will be here tomorrow. And why did you end our call? Also why did you wanna cut my balls off? – too many questions, Channing Tatum.
I didn't dare to look him in the eyes. I was just rambling on and on while holding my head down and playing with my nails:
- You didn't tell me you're here and the surroundings around ya were strange. It's not your room obviously, and my room in my apartment doesn't have a bedrail, so I thought...
- You thought I cheated on you? – he asked. Obviously was hurt.
I mean he can't blame me. it's not like we had a long trusting relationship. It was just more than a month, and of course I still had some insecurities and trusting issues.
- Sorry. – I simply said.
- But why were you packing? You wanted to go to LA now to find me? As you said it's not my house, where would you go to find? And you have a show tomorrow. You will probably...
I lifted my head up and cut him off:
- I didn't think about all those things. All I thought about was you fucking another woman.
Channing petrified for a few seconds. Then he stepped one step closer and hugged me with all of him. It's just one week and I thought it was 10 years I'd been away from him. He was all I needed every second of the day when he wasn't with me. My craving for him erupted. I spontaneously put my arms around his waist and pulled him into me with all the strength I have.
Channing Tatum put his chin on my shoulder, and said:
- That is so gross. My mama raised me better than that.
I felt sorry for doubting his loyalty, but also tried to justify myself:
- Sometimes my insecurities fuck me and people around me up... you know? I... – but stuttered because I knew I was the wrong one.
- It's not like I don't know you. Don't need to explain to me. Huh? – And he's always the kind one.
Channing's warm voice was next to me, very close to me. It was surreal. If this was a dream, God please don't wake me up so soon. It's so good to finally be in his arms again. I tightened my embrace to keep this man entirely for myself at this moment.
- But really. If you treat me like that, imma turn the United fucking States upside down to find out where you and that bitch are. Like seriously, I don't tolerate those disgusting shit. – I told him with my strong voice, which showed the evil side of mine.
Really. If you don't love me anymore, just fucking speak up! Just tell me! Even if I can't take it, I will still let you go. I don't hold on to someone or something that intends to leave me. I'm not that pathetic and desperate when it comes to intimate relationship. I'm ok with being alone all over again. I used to that feeling a very long time ago, since I always worked far away from home and travelled a lot. I'm not the kind of girl who can't live without men.
- Yeh. That's what the Jessica Cornish I know would do. And it's one of the reasons I'm falling in love with her more and more everyday. – my boyfriend proudly said.
Then he held on my shoulders and slightly make us apart. His eyes showed the sincerity at first but then turned into a weird facial expression that even I couldn't guess what it was. He frowned his brows and tilted his head looking at me like I was a rare wild animal somehow.
I raised my brows and opened my mouth in surprise, and asked him:
- What?
- Are you freaking serious??!! – he raised his voice.
- What?! Don't scare me I have a heart disease! – seriously, what's wrong with him?
- You didn't tell me you've become this beautiful since the last day in LA! – Oh! Here goes my sweet talker Channing Tatum.
- Oh come on Channing. – I laughed at his exaggerating reaction and shyly hit on his chest.
- I'm being serious. My girlfriend is so flung out of the space. – Channing spoke with the proudest voice, and opened his hands as wide as possible to describe how much of beauty I had with my new hair.
- I Facetimed you every single day remember? I showed you my new hair, you overeacter! – I gave him another shy hit on the chest and grinned ear to ear. I was swimming in an ocean of happiness.
A lot of people complimented on my new hair, but his was different. Maybe because I wasn't being pretty for them so their sweet comments didn't affect me much. I'm being pretty for myself, and my man of course.
- But seeing you outside is totally different. Oh my God you're so pretty I cannot take this! – he hugged his head and made fake tottering steps dramatically.
- So... you prefer straight hair? – I crossed my arms and asked him.
- No. A little sudden change here and there makes a person prettier. – Channing put his hands down and smiled looking at me.
- Ok... so you want me to change constantly to prevent you from getting sick of me. Ahhhh. I got you. – I teased him
- Nooooo babeeeee!!! What you talkin' about? You know I don't mean that at all. – Channing puzzled and feared of me misunderstanding him.
He wanted to put his hands on my shoulders to wheedle me, but I pretended to still look pissed so he awkwardly quitted. He's so cute.
- Then what do you mean? – I still crossed my arms and asked him. I for sure looked intimidating as hell when I looked pissed.
- I haven't eaten the whole day. We should go eat. – he suddenly pulled me heading to the door direction.
Are all boyfriends always like this, or just mine? Do they often jump into another topic when they think we're mad at them?
I tried to hold my laugh, and tried to sound irritated as well, so I called his name:
- Channing Tatum.
Suddenly he stopped, turned around facing me, and looked me into the eyes with a serious facial expression, and then out of a sudden, he started singing:
- ♪Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars, seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing, just be true to who you are♪
He literally just sang my freaking song LOL. I couldn't hold anymore but burst out laughing at his hilariously cute ass.
God, I love this man.
-----------------------------------------------
We just got in the room after I offered him loads of food into his stomach. He was so full and ready to roll.
- Babe. What ya doing? – I asked while stepping out of the bathroom.
I just heard my voice from his phone, I was wondering what he was watching so intensely.
- Nothing. Just some of your wonderful performances. – he replied, didn't bother to look at my face.
I laid down next to him and tried to put my head into a circle he made when he was holding the phone up. After comfortably laid on his arm and hugged his huge body, I turned my head to look at what he was watching.
- Uh oh. – I slowly lifted my head to take a glimpse at his facial expression after I knew what he was watching at.
It's normal. No jealousy. No frustration. No fury. No nothing. Well, that's even more dangerous.
- Why did you replay the thing?! – I turned my head to look into the phone screen again after acknowledging that he just replayed the clip.
- It's cute, so I replayed it. What's the matter huh? – again. Totally normal tone. Zero anger. Channing Tatum just tried to fuck with me.
- How many times did you replay? - I asked.
- This is the 13th. – he answered like it's nothing.
- It was 3 years ago. – I told him about when the video was recorded.
- Oh. Is that so? Very VERY VEEEEERY cute. – he said, raising one side of his mouth.
The "VERY VEEEEERY" from him got me goosebumps everywhere. Gosh, it's really scary when men get jealous, don't you agree? When big muscular guys get jealous, it looks the same as Lions trying to become plant-eaters for me. I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but it's really weird when they reveal that side of them. Jealousy doesn't suit Channing Tatum at all. But it's funny though, and somewhat cute.
- Are you mad? – I asked him. Hopefully he was because that means he cared.
- Why would I? – ok. So he was mad.
- Just admit it, Channing. You're jealous of Luke. – there. I said it for him.
He suddenly pulled his hand that my head laid on away, and sat up:
- WHO? ME? JEALOUS WITH THAT MOTHERFUCKER??!! ARE YOU FOR REAL RIGHT NOW??? - he said with his loud voice.
- Come here. It was in the past. – I sat up after him and kneeled on to hug my big Teddy Bear.
- I know. – he said, hugged me back.
- He's an ex now. – I drew my hand in circles on his wise back and comforted him.
- I know. – he said, tapping gently on my back, reassured me that he would act childlike anymore.
https://youtu.be/vcSe5bPXqDk - it was this video right here.
Luke recorded this one when he sang Jealous to me. We looked so much in love back then. Just look at that and who would have known that Luke and I had turned out this way. We're no longer together, but our relationship wasn't toxic, it was so loving. We're bro-sis now. Therefore, watching this video didn't put me into a weird feeling, it's more kind of ironic for me now.
The video is basically like this: I listened to his sweet voice and looked over to him dearly when the video nearly ended, and laid my head on his shoulder, closed my eyes to enjoy the moment. Thanks Jesus Christ, I didn't lean over and kiss him on the lips. 'Cause that would turn out bad. Imagine how insane Channing Tatum would turn into when he saw me kissing someone else other than him.
Just thinking about that amuses me. It's super entertaining every time he wanted to kill Luke when Luke intentionally flirted with me to piss him off already.
Imagine Channing stepped up to Luke and said: "You fucking kissed my girlfriend, didn't you?" and then he showed Luke the video was recorded 3 years ago as an evidence. That'd be hilarious.
- You know... - he started.
- What? – I asked.
- I can sing too. – Channing finished his sentence.
His sudden reaction after all of that made me laugh. I told him:
- I know you can.
I made us apart and rubbed his big head. I smiled at him:
- You can sing to me every time you want. I will listen and enjoy.
- I'm not a singer, so certainly I can't sing as good as him. But I'm more handsome, I'm more adorable, more likable, more charismatic than him FOR SUUURE!! – his jealous ass expressed.
- Of course, baby. Certainly. – I smiled at him and reassured him.
Not really, but I nodded to comfort him anyway haha.
For me, Channing Tatum and Luke James are not only just two different human beings, but also two distinguish souls. They both are irreplaceable and incomparable for me.
Luke is so important to me. In a thousand years, I could never imagine there would be one day that I would lose Luke. He's been in my life for so long now, 4 years. We share a precious friendship, a wonderful companionship. He is one of the tremendous mental supports of mine. He's always there for me. He's my rock, he gave me strength every time I was down. I love him so much.
And then there's Channing Tatum. At this point in my life, I honestly couldn't breathe without him.
- But seriously babe. Why did you find that video at the first place? – I tilted my head, giving him a curious look.
- People told that you and he were soooooooo cute when still together. I need to prove they're wrong, so I need evidence. – he answered.
- What do you think? Are people right or wrong? – I was amusingly waiting for his answer.
- Wrong. You and him together was just CUTE, not SOOOOOO CUTE. SOOOOOOOO CUTE is only applicable for you and me. – of course, Channing was gonna say that LOL.
I was surprise and confused when he said Luke and I were cute together, but then he added the last part, which made total sense.
He explained a little further about the "CUTE"ness of me and Luke:
- It was cute because you are the cutest girl in the whole world and you were in it. There's nothing about cuteness that's related to Luke... something. – he pretendedly forgot Luke's last name, and then turned over to ask me. - What is his name again? – he's always so mean to Luke, and that's funny for me.
And that's the jealous Channing I know.
- God you're so mean to him. He's my brother. – I laughed saying.
- Oh really? You call your ex your brother. I wonder how many brothers do you have, Miss Cornish? – Channing asked, crossed his arms waiting for my answer.
- Well, Mister Tatum, his name is Luke James and he is my one and only brother from exes. – I smiled answering him.
- Oh. And can I please ask what is so special about him that he is your one and only bro from exes, Miss Cornish? – he childishly spoke formal to me.
- Because he is the only one that didn't crush my heart into pieces and destroy my life, Channing Tatum. – I smiled after answering him.
Actually, I drew a curve on my lips to act blunt. Tried to be tough and immune with the pain from the past. Hope he didn't recognise.
- Jessica... - oh shit. He knew I faked the smile.
So, there's nothing that I could hide from Channing Tatum obviously. It's only a month and a week we're together and I had already become transparent in his eyes. My man just knows me inside out.
- Come here. – I didn't even have to move my ass an inch, he immediately reached out to have me in his arms and hugged me tightly.
He just kept me in his arms. No more questions, no more childish acts, no more Luke James and other exes.
Thanks Channing, for not keeping on asking. I was not ready to answer any of it.
To be honest, I dated tones of dickheads. They all are not worth to be mentioned. There were a couple of times I was hurt to the point I thought I couldn't live anymore. I lost my mind, totally was out of my own control.
I want to shout out to my marvellous heart, it was so strong regard to enduring all the pain that I stupidly made it go through. It's never the healthiest but is the toughest heart in this world, and I'm always so proud of it. After all of those panic attacks and rapid beating rounds in all those years, it's still going strong and consistent.
I still don't know how I'm alive, I thought I was dead back in 2012.
- Why didn't you ask me about them? – I asked him, lifting my face up to look at him.
- I was there once. It hurt like a bitch. I never want to talk about it, never want to face it. People can call me a coward or whatever they want to call me. I'm just not in my lifetime going to talk about that. – Channing told me what I was thinking in my head and didn't know how to put in words.
I looked into his heart-warming eyes and asked:
- Do you still love her?
- How do you know it's a her? – he chuckled looking at me.
What now? Bisexual? Please, don't play with my heart.
- ... - I just looked at him and speechless. I mean what would you ask in that situation anyway?
- Nah. I was joking. I'm 100% straight. – he was joking again, in the middle of a serious conversation like that.
I squinted at him, which made his grin wider.
- No, I don't. And I don't blame her anymore, I forgave her a long time ago. It's just a gigantically ugly never-healing wound right on the heart. Doesn't matter how hard I tried to be cured, it never stopped bleeding. And I don't really mention it since it happened, I simply just don't want to scrub salt and squeeze lemon juice on the wound, I really don't. I don't wanna pee in my pant, that's not a good image at all. – his face relaxed a little when he joked about peeing in the pant.
He was undeniably hurt a whole lot, I could see in his eyes.
All the bad memories were back again in his mind because of my stupid question.
- Your heart is the most beautiful and sexiest thing I've ever received. – and I didn't say that just to comfort him, I told him with all of my sincerity and lovingness.
I do really think his heart is one of the most wonderful gifts that God has ever given me. I feel so lucky that after all of the things that both of us had to go through separately, we end up together, in each other's arms.
Thanks to whoever that left him so I can have him. Thanks to every single woman that has passed Channing Tatum's life, because of them he learnt so many lessons to be the better version of himself everyday. Because of what they did to him, he becomes the wonderful boyfriend and father that he is today.
After all of everything, they taught him life lessons by giving him thousands of stabs in the heart, and by fucking up his mind countless times. However, Everly and I are the ones that rewarded the best version of Channing Tatum ultimately. We didn't do shit, didn't put any effort in improving him. And here he is, volunteers to give us all the greatness, goodness and the best of himself as a person, as a boyfriend and as a dad. SO THANKS LADIES!! THANK YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH!!
- Is she pretty? – I asked.
I'm curious ok? It's the person the hurt Channing effing Tatum, so she is obviously not an ordinary girl.
- To be honest, she is the prettiest girl I've ever dated. – he answered.
- Oh really? – I gave him a you-better-change-your-fucking-mind look.
- Yes, really. – he didn't get what my look meant, did he?
But to be fair and honest, to push every personal opinion aside:
- Whoever that woman is, I want to thank her. Because she left you, I have a chance to be with you. – I told my handsome boyfriend.
- I'm not as kind as you are, so that rotten piece of shit better never appears in front of you again, otherwise I'm gonna set his ass on fire and then send him to hell. – he's so aggressive, but I love it.
- Yes. Let's do that, Channing. – I smiled, buried my face into his neck to take a sniff of the most mesmerising smell in the world. Yes, that's right, I was talking Channing's body smell.
- I'm glad Luke loves you. I'm thankful. – he said, the tone was not very comfortable and grateful, but ok.
- You are? – I had to ensure my ears were still working efficiently, so I asked him.
- I am. But I still don't like him. – this made me smile, and I don't even know why.
- You don't have to. – I rubbed the back of his head to ensure him.
- And also... life was so difficult back then, so thanks to you for making it this far, so I can date you, make you happy and have an opportunity to learn about the most wonderful soul... Jessie J's beautiful soul. – my eyes were teary, it was happy tear though.
I was so happy that I could have a chance to learn about him as well. He is the best man that a straight girl can ever wish for. Because if I'm gay, I would undoubtably go after Ellen DeGeneres.
Ellen is just the shit! What I mean is that for me, Channing is as wonderful as a person as Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen saves a lot of lives, Channing Tatum saves my miserably lonely ass. Ellen gives away thousands of dollars everyday, Channing Tatum gives me his love and daily pictures of Everly everyday. Ellen showers this world with kindness and peace, Channing showers my world with his tolerance and spoiled-ness.
I just hope everything between me and him is not a fantasy, or even worse, a temporary love story.
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