Late Warning: this story contains scenes that may trigger anxiety or depression (as what other readers said, may mga triggering factor daw ito). Please read at your own risk. I wrote this for you to keep going and not to give up. I hope this story will be able to save you and help you to keep going.
Some scenes may be disturbing so please read at your own risk.
All the love!
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"You killed my son! You killed my son! You killed my son!" Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko. My eyes became so blurry as tears fall from my eyes. I swallowed hard just to prevent myself from crying. But then I remembered my Yaya telling me before 'huwag kang iiyak kung hindi mo naman talaga kasalanan'--- and here I am crying so hard because I know I am the one at fault.
"I'm sorry po. I'm sorry..." Pinagdaop ko ang mga palad ko at paulit-ulit na humingi ng kapatawaran. Although I know myself walang kapatawaran ang nagawa ko.
"Ikaw dapat ang namatay!" I did not kill anyone. I did not mean what I have done.
"Fia! Fia hija!" Nagising na lamang ako sa pagyugyog ni Yaya Millie sa akin. Napabangon akong tumatagaktak ang pawis. "Ilang buwan ka nang ganyan." Inabot sa akin ni Yaya Millie ang isang basong tubig.
It was not the exact thing that happened, yet my bad dreams will always symbolize what happened from the past. It makes me sick all the time.
"Thanks Yaya..." Napahilamos na lamang ako ng buong mukha. "Sila daddy po?"
"Si Mayor ay nagtungo sa munisipyo kasama ang mommy mo. Lunes ngayon kaya paniguradong maraming pipirmahang dokumento 'yun, lalo na ang scholarship program niya." Tumango-tango na lamang ako. Hindi pa rin naaalis sa akin ang paghangos kaya inubos ko na lamang ang natitirang tubig sa baso.
"Salamat po Yaya. Maliligo na lang muna ako. Dadaan ako sa munisipyo pagkatapos."
I went to the bathroom. Binuksan ko ang shower at hinayaang dumaloy ang tubig mula sa aking ulo pababa. Nanginginig na naman ang mga kamay ko. It has been almost a year now, pero hindi ko pa rin makalimutan. Gusto ko na lamang magpakalayo-layo. It is something I cannot undo. It is something I fully regret. Napapikit ako ng mariin, kasabay nang pagluha ko ay siya ring pagdaloy ng tubig mula sa shower sa buong katawan ko. Pagkatapos ay binabad ko ang aking sarili sa bathtub. Doon ay muli na namang nanumbalik ang lahat.
"I'm breaking up with you Afia. This isn't gonna work anymore." My heart is about to explode from his sudden confession. "You know it's not really working anymore. Last month pa..." Hindi ako nagsalita. I have been so in love with Gael Santos, he's my first crush, my first love...my first boyfriend, my first in almost everything. At ang marinig mula sa kanya ang mga salitang ito ang higit na dumurog sa akin. "Please speak up...I'm sorry. You can slap me. You can hurt me all you want...just please speak up."
Umiling ako. Hinayaang kumawala ang mga luha. "May bago na ba?"
"I'm sorry." That's it.
"Sino?"
Hindi siya nakasagot. Our 5-year relationship ended just like that. Kasi hindi na magwo-work or to be precise, may bago na kasi. Nagkasawaan na...no, nagsawa na siya. Kasi ako, kailanman ay hindi nagsawa sa kanya.
"Okay... let's break up." Simpleng sabi ko sa kanya na kahit sa loob ay durog na durog na talaga ako.
"Fia..."
"Don't call me again. Don't come near me. This is what you want. This is what could be your happiness. May iba na diba? Then fine, I'm giving you the freedom to date that girl. I'm setting you free because I love you so much. I am breaking up with you because I love you so much. And I know I can't fight for this anymore, kasi ikaw na mismong mahal ko ay sinukuan na ako, pinagsawaan na ako." I breathed heavily. I let tears fall from my eyes. "I love you Gael. I wish you nothing but happiness."
I don't wanna hear more words from him, so I decided to turn my back away from him. Nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko habang tinatahak ang daan palayo sa kanya. Nanginginig ang mga kamay kong hinahagilap ang susi sa loob ng bag ko.
Nang makaupo na ako sa driver's seat, ay doon ko iniyak lahat-lahat. Naninikip ang dibdib ko. Sobrang sakit nito. The pain is ripping my heart, that anytime soon I might pass out. I drove fast. I drove while I'm crying so hard and as I remember our happy memories together. Where did it go wrong? Saan ako nagkulang? I tried my best to concentrate driving. But then there's this call from Gael. Muling nanginig ang mga kamay ko. Nawala ako sa sarili. Hindi ko namalayan ang paparating na truck sa way ko. Agad kong iniwas ang kotse ko, but it was too late, I heard a loud bump on my car. I think...I think my car hit someone.
"Aaaaahhh!" Nilubog ko ang sarili ko sa bathtub. Gusto ko nang mamatay. Gustong-gusto ko nang tapusin ang buhay ko. My life now feels so hopeless, useless... Ever since our break-up, everything feels so out of place. Hindi ko alam kung paano muling ibalik sa lahat ang dati ay masaya ko pang buhay.
I put on some make up to cover up my swollen eyes. My driver and also my bodyguard is waiting outside. "Good morning Ma'am Fia."
"Good morning din po." Every day becomes mandatory for me to live happily. "Sa munisipyo po tayo ngayon." Marahan kong sabi.
I can't even drive anymore. Sa tuwing hahawakan ko ang manibela ay hindi ako makahinga. Parang may sumasakal sa akin.
Habang tinatahak ang daan patungong munisipyo ay hindi ko maiwasang panoorin ang mga taong simple lamang ang pamumuhay kumpara sa akin. Sana ganoon na lang din ako, sana hindi ako pinanganak na ganito ang antas sa buhay. People would always say I'm lucky to have everything in life. Na walang kailangang isiping problema. But they had no idea I also have a fair share of burdens in my life. They had no idea how I'm trying to still feel alive, even if most of the time I feel like I'm breathing not for myself anymore.
"Dad! Mommy!" I kissed them on their cheeks.
"Ka-sweet talaga ng anak ni Mayor ano?" I am always praised by everyone. And if they did that, mas nadadagdagan ang konsensiyang nararamdaman ko, mas bumibigat. Those praises are making me ask my worth. Do I still deserve to live?
"What took you so long? Nag-breakfast ka ba muna bago magtungo dito?" Tumango-tango ako kina Mommy.
"Sa conference room lang po ako." I let them finish their agenda for today. May ilan pang nagpapicture sa akin bago ako makarating sa conference room. I greeted everyone with a smile. You can never really tell if someone is suffering inside so always choose to be kind.
"Architect, thank you po sa design nung bahay namin. Nagustuhan din kasi ng asawa ko." Ngumiti ako sa secretary ni daddy.
"I set a meeting with the engineer po. She's a good friend of mine. Nasend ko na naman po yung details sa email niyo po." Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at paulit-ulit ang pagpapasalamat.
"Napakagandang dalaga at napakabuti pa." Komento ng matanda sa gilid ko. "Kahit nag-iisang anak ni Mayor Alejandrino, ay siyang tunay namang pinagpala ng kagandahang loob." My heart fell. I wish...I really wish I am exactly what they think of me.
I went to the conference room of the Mayor's office. There, I get a scented paper from my bag.
Dear Dad and Mom,
Thank you for everything. Thank you for always being there for me all the time. I couldn't actually wish for more. I've been the luckiest daughter knowing you're both my parents. Everyday I wish I could go back to the way I am before. But my past mistake will continue haunting me. And as I wake up every day, the burden I have inside me feels heavier.
I'm sorry, for now, I wanted to stop being your daughter because every day feels like I'm not suitable to be one anymore. I'm sorry for I have to live not us Afia Sadella C. Alejandrino tomorrow and the following days. I want to correct my own mistakes. I want to stand up on my own. I know how scared I am before that you need to sacrifice one big thing to save me. And now I'm owning up to my mistake. I want to go back to being your daughter again when I have corrected or at least make up to my mistake.
Dad and Mom! You both are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Please, don't ever look for me. I'm sure I'll be back. I'll be back when I already free my heart from the pain, free my brain from haunting past.
I love you both! So much... that every day I'm aching to go back to the younger me. Take care mom and dad. Please, please don't cry over this.
-Fia
I folded the scented paper and kissed it.
"Saan tayo ngayon Ma'am Fia?" Ngumiti ako sa driver ko. This will be the last time for now that I'm gonna see him.
"I wanna get my hair cut." Simpleng sagot ko at tsaka siya nagmaneho para sa akin. "I'm gonna shop the whole day din po pala. Itetext ko na lang po kayo kung susunduin niyo na po ako." He immediately agreed with me. "Thank you po for everything!" Masayang sabi ko sa kanya.
"Trim lang ba Fia?" This is my only go-to hair salon, kaya kilala at alam na nila kung ano ang ipapagawa ko sa buhok ko, but this time I'll have it different from the usual.
"Short hair please, also make it black." Today I'm gonna leave Cavite. "Thank you."
"Wow I didn't know short hair would look so good to me!" Ani ko nang makita na ang kinalabasan nito. I had additional hair treatments that my hairstylist suggested. "Thank you so much Jen. You're the best talaga." Ngumiti ng malapad sa akin si Jen.
"Not on me." She giggled. Marahan niyang pinisil ang mga braso. "You're just beautiful, any hairstyle would look good on you." She praised me for the last time before leaving the salon.
Inikot ko ang buong mall para makahanap ng perfect big black rimmed glasses for my eyes. When I found one, I immediately wear it. Pagkatapos ay nagtungo naman ako sa comfort room. There, I put on my fake freckles so I would look completely different this time.
"Whoa! Who's this girl in front of me right now? Mukha kang nerd 'te!"
"Okay na ba? Naayos mo na?"
"Of course. I'm Unity the great lang naman. Tomorrow you can start na raw." I did not expect things will be done smoothly. Hindi ko inakala na makakapasok ako agad.
"Thank you so much Unity! You did me the best favor!" Humalik ako sa kanya pisngi. She giggled.
"Anything for you! Basta if you need help, like you're really in a deep trouble, you can call me anytime." Tumango-tango ako sa kanya. "Bff, you'll be needing thick brows too." She suggested, habang nakataas ang isang kilay sa akin at nakanguso. Tama nga siya, I'll be needing that too. Para mas lalong maging okay ang disguise ko. She handed me thick brows na siyang ikinagulat ko, maaasahan talaga siya sa mga ganitong bagay.
"Babawi ako sa'yo promise!" Ani ko bago sumakay sa bus. Hindi niya agad binitiwan ang kamay. There's a hint of sadness in her eyes. I know Unity, things will no longer be easy for me. I am ready to face the consequences this time. No more hiding.
Habang nasa byahe ay hawak-hawak ko ang ang isang lumang dyaryo. Paulit-ulit kong binasa ang balitang iyon to the point that I've memorized every details of the news. It got stuck in my head for years now.
Only Son of Villangco's of ViC (Villangco Corporation), Adriel Calix M. Villangco, seeks justice after getting involved into a hit and run car accident. No traces of suspect were found. Adriel Calix is still confined at Villangco Medical Center. It is also revealed to the public that he lost his eyesight making him a blind young master now.
Napapikit ako ng mariin. I keep on hearing the loud bump on my car. Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib, hindi ko na masundan kung gaano kabilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko ngayon.
The Young Master of Villangco's got into hit and run car accident and I'm Afia Sadella C. Alejandrino who was liable for it, found an escaped goat almost a year ago without even thinking of what is right and wrong. Now I am fully regretting it. I will pay for it, the way I know, the way I want before everything gets too late.