Author's Note: This is a co-written work between myself and writer dearjayycee. Dawn was written entirely by dearjayycee with a few minor editing tweaks by me. You can see the original story by clicking the link labeled external link at the bottom of this page right above the comments pane.
The clinking of small metal objects ceased as Severus Snape glided through the doors of the Headmaster's office, cloak whipping behind him like the physical embodiment of all his worries. Only moments ago Snape had been at Spinner's End, brewing a potion he would now never finish, when suddenly a headache he hadn't realized he had abruptly dissipated, giving him a sense of relief he hadn't known since his early school days. In a frenzy he ripped the left sleeve off of his cloak to stare down at his forearm. All that stared back at him was the now lifeless-looking mark against his pale skin. It looked almost like a tattoo that one got in their youth and now regretted. It was no longer red, and raised, and angry, as it had been since the moment it had first tainted his life. Suddenly he no longer knew his own arm, and it was wonderful.
The Dark Lord had fallen.
All he could think of at first was that it was finally over, that there would be no more hiding or sneaking around; well, no more than the average Slytherin did. After those first few moments of unabashed joy, worrying questions started to assault his mind. How had it happened? Had Dumbledore, after all this time, not included Snape in his plans? Was this all just a test? And if yes, from whom, Dumbledore or Voldemort?
These concerns hadn't stopped plaguing his mind. Even now as he stood in front of Dumbledore's cluttered desk, hours after the mark had paled, Fawkes' singing so loudly that Severus almost couldn't hear himself think, his worries still nagged at him. Dumbledore rose a steady hand causing the phoenix to cease his song after a few last chirps, only to happily start preening at its breast feathers instead.
Snape concentrated on the man in front of him, but surprisingly all he saw was grief. Whatever emotion he had expected to see on the old man's face right after the fall of the Dark Lord it had not been this one, and it worried Severus all the more. Dumbledore had fought so long for this day to finally come and Severus had expected nothing other than triumph and joy. But he had never expected an exhausted frown with unshed tears twinkling in the Headmaster's eyes. For once the man looked his age, all two hundred and thirty nine years were etched into his face.
"What happened?"
Severus was sure all his questions would be answered in due time; at least the ones Dumbledore was willing to trust him with. Snape had already waited for hours for the Headmaster to arrive, pacing in front of the giant oak doors. He could stand to wait a bit more.
Dumbledore stood, his back popping a few times as he reached full height. He glided over to one of the windows behind his desk, looking out at the moon which was reflected in the eerily still surface of the Black Lake.
"Voldemort is gone..."
Snape held his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop as he knew it must.
"For now..." Dumbledore glanced over his shoulder, blue eyes piercing. "I cannot say when he will return, but I am sure he will. And until he is truly gone we are not safe."
Severus kept his mouth shut in a tight line that would impress even Minerva, trying desperately to understand how it had happened. How the greatest Dark Lord since Grindelwald had been defeated? The answer to this question, however, was not what he received.
"Lily and James are dead."
Snape felt his knees go weak, but he quickly caught himself, hand clutching the back of the chair in front of him so tightly his knuckles had gone white. His emotions which had already been raging, after losing the Dark Lord's presence within him, were suddenly thrown into complete turmoil. He couldn't, however, let this weakness show any more than it already had.
Dumbledore didn't come to his side, only looked back out at the lake. They both knew the last thing Severus wanted or needed was his pity. Snape held back the tears that threatened to fall; now was not the time for grieving, there were more important things to be done. In that moment his long-held hatred for Potter seemed to disappear, set aside with all the other childish feelings he felt for that man.
When he finally pulled himself together, clarity came back to him. The question that he knew would hurt to hear the answer to but which needed to be asked was already coming out of his mouth.
"And the boy?"
His voice felt raw but it didn't matter, there were more important things to concern himself with at the moment. Severus had never met Harry, could never bring himself to put aside his jealousy long enough to see the child of the woman whom he loved and who had been his best friend. Dumbledore would often mention the boy after his visits knowing that while Severus would never go himself, sure that Lily and James wouldn't want him there, that he did yearn to see the baby. To see what he could have had. It was too late for that now. It was too late to meet the boy and for apologies he would never be sure that either side would have meant.
Dumbledore slid back into his chair, motioning for him to do the same. Quietly they sat in their respective seats, shoulders slumped. It was followed by a silence that was only broken when the Headmaster finally looked him in the eye.
"Fortunately, he is alive and well. He has been taken to his last remaining family."
Severus' head shot up. "You can't possibly mean Petunia?" No, surely Dumbledore would never.
Dumbledore's face pinched up in confusion. "Why yes, I do..."
Snape knew then that Dumbledore was a complete fool. Petunia loathed magic and would never allow it within her house. She would never nurture the spark within a young wizard, she would stamp on it just as she had tried to do to her own sister. And Dumbledore had trusted the boy to her. The old man had finally lost his Gobstones. Severus tried to tell him this, tried his best to convince Dumbledore that this was a bad idea but the man just sighed and gave Snape a look that said, I am older and wiser.
When Severus finally gave up on it, it was only after asking why the boy couldn't be with his godfather to which Dumbledore gave him an odd look before revealing that Black was currently missing and that the boy needed to be with his real family.
Snape knew Petunia would never treat the boy like family. And he honestly couldn't imagine Lily or Potter ever wanting this for their son but apparently they had, why else would Dumbledore ever have given Harry to that horrible woman?
Finally, Severus left, making his way back to Spinner's End, where the potion he had been brewing had melted the cauldron but luckily hadn't dissolved the table. Snape sighed over the lost notes and the wasted supplies, quickly cleaned up the mess, and headed to bed. It had been a long day and he was hoping to wake up tomorrow and realize that everything was back to normal.
Unfortunately, that was not what happened.
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The next day found Snape back at Hogwarts, Dumbledore calling for him at midday for unknown reasons. Severus arrived at the school, wondering what he could want this soon after Voldemort had fallen. Had he already re-emerged? However, the mark on his arm was still lifeless and proved otherwise.
Severus made his way through the castle, dodging all the students that might think to hex him on the spot. Everyone was still on edge, not truly believing what had happened. When he got to the Headmaster's office, the man was still not his chipper self. Fawkes was sitting on his perch pulling out his feathers with Dumbledore reaching out to try and get the phoenix to stop.
"I am sorry to say you were right about Petunia..." Dumbledore sighed, resting his hand over his eyes.
Snape felt giddy about the fact he had proven the man wrong, right up until he understood what that meant. "What happened?"
Dumbledore's eyes darted away in a fashion that said he wished he did not have to talk about this failure. "She took him to an orphanage."
Snape's jaw almost fell. He had known Petunia was capable of many things, but he never imagined she would do this. That she would give her nephew away, the only part that was left of her sister. He couldn't believe it. All that hatred he had felt for Muggles came rushing back.
"Where is the boy?" He couldn't help that it came out as a growl, too swept away with his hatred to control it.
"With Hagrid. They are on their way back to Hogwarts. Severus, we must talk about what this means." Dumbledore sighed again. This made Snape frown, he couldn't imagine what the man could possibly have to say.
"Severus, my dear boy, I know how hard this is for you, I know what Lily..." Severus shot him a glare that made the older man stop short momentarily. He wasn't ready to discuss it yet and he probably never would be. Regardless, Dumbledore continued, "Well... Lily, James and I had discussed this as a precaution. I would not speak of this if it wasn't absolutely necessary now for Harry's sake." Snape gave a little nod to show his understanding and Dumbledore continued on.
"We talked about many different scenarios, and unfortunately the one we thought least likely to happen, happened. I am deeply sorry to ask this of you, but would you be willing to raise Harry?" They both knew that this wasn't a question but a task and that he had no real choice in this matter.
All of Snape's thoughts came to a screeching halt. He had never even considered raising a child, especially after he had joined the Death Eaters. That he might be responsible for another human being and for Lily's son at that - well, it was an unimaginable situation. Severus knew that they would have only asked for this if it was the very last solution, knew that James Potter would never want him raising his child. He knew now that no matter what he brought up to try and get himself out of this, it would be shot down. That didn't mean he wouldn't try.
"But Professor, what about his godfather? Is he still missing?" Severus' hands were fisted into his cloak, knuckles white. He didn't even insult Black; that's how shaken up he was by the change in events.
Albus shook his head, looking sad again for a moment. "Sirius is dead."
Snape's frown deepened, the skin over his knuckles was almost ripping apart, "And what of someone else in the Order? The Weasleys perhaps?" He already knew the answer before Dumbledore spoke.
"I trust no one in the Order as much as you and the Weasleys with this task, and they already have seven children. They do not need another child to worry about." In this moment Severus hated them for their family. It was now not only a reminder of what he used to long for but what he would now be burdened with. Snape sighed, getting ready to give it one last shot.
"If I accept this task, you will lose me as a spy."
A watery smile graced Dumbledore's lips, small and fragile, something he never thought he would see from the man. "Actually Severus, part of the reason you are the best option is because of your status with Voldemort and among the Death Eaters. They trust you. You will be able to hide the boy right under their noses, protect him from them when he is most vulnerable. They will search, Severus, at first. All of them. Frantically. Later, all that will be left will be the truly devoted ones. They will stop at nothing, and risk anything to bring their Lord back. You must be among them; those whose insanity makes their plans hard to read." Dumbledore was frowning again, looking more exhausted than he had any right to when it was Snape who should be the one worrying.
Snape knew the reason for the man's watery eyes was the fact that Dumbledore knew that Severus no longer wanted to be a spy. That from the moment he had come to the side of the light he had been trying to get away from that life and that the older wizard had not allowed it. He had used him and made him do horrible things. And Severus had done them, not because he wanted to, but because he had to. He had to do those awful things to stay close to the Dark Lord, and await the moment when he was finally free again. But still he wasn't.
Snape was still bound to the Dark Lord, was still bound to Dumbledore, and now would be bound once more. This time to a child, who he would serve for, at the least, seventeen years. Seventeen more years of being a pawn in a great chess game, sitting opposite his master.
Severus slumped even farther into the chair, the question that had really been worrying him most was finally coming up, nothing left to hide behind. "But...I'm not-I wouldn't make a good caretaker..." Snape knew he was not a good person. He wasn't the type of person who could raise a happy and healthy child. He had given up on that dream long ago.
Pity. It was the only thing left on Dumbledore's face after Severus had said that. He hated that look. It was a look meant for the fragile and vapid and Snape had promised himself to never be either. So much of his pride was stocked on not being those two things. He wanted to yell and scream, but he knew if he did that the Headmaster's face would only go softer. So he threw all his emotions behind his occlumency shields to deal with them later (most likely never), before bracing himself for what he knew would be his downfall.
"Severus, now unfortunately Harry cannot live with his remaining family. I had hoped that by having Harry live with Petunia, he would be shielded and sheltered, hidden away from our world. That it would give him the best chance for safety and a normal life. But now there is no one I trust more to raise young Harry than you. No one who could be as fierce a protector and as strong a mentor..." Those soft words would be the end of him and the life he had known. Everything he had built for himself would be destroyed.
"I know you are scared of failing-" Snape wanted to jump in, wanted to say that wasn't true but he couldn't lie to this man, at least not about this when he had come to Dumbledore when he had felt as if he had failed or was on the verge of it. Severus realized then that maybe Dumbledore knew too much about him. "And I know that you think you aren't the right person but I am sure, with time, you will come to understand."
Snape sat for a few more minutes staring off out the windows. He finally resigned himself to this new task, nodding once before standing up to leave. Dumbledore stopped him with a simple raise of his left hand, before pulling a letter from his robes.
"This is from Lily." He slid the envelope across the table. Snape wanted to snap out and ask why Dumbledore hadn't given this letter to him yesterday? Why the man had held onto it? But he held his tongue. Now wasn't the time for lashing out in anger. "Young Harry will arrive soon; he will be taken straight to Poppy to make sure he is in perfect health."
Dumbledore didn't say it but they both knew he was telling Snape to go wait in the infirmary until the boy's arrival. This was his first new order for this task.
"Also, I have asked the castle to add a room to your chambers. I hope you will find everything you need there. Lastly, thank you. I can never say how much this means, but I hope someday you will find joy in this." It was as if Dumbledore was trying to reassure himself and not Severus to make himself feel better for forcing a child on someone.
Snape could not bring himself to feel the hatred that he might have felt at any other time in his life for this task. At first he thought it would come later, that at any moment he would hate Dumbledore. But as he sat in the infirmary waiting for the boy to arrive, nothing came. All that happened was an endless stream of thoughts about his new future, about a child he had never even seen nor wanted.
It was a few more hours before he arrived, Hagrid holding the bundle of blankets, making the boy wrapped within them seem dwarfed. Hagrid reluctantly let go of the boy as Pomfrey began checking him over for injuries before laying him down in a crib in front of Severus. Pomfrey left him with the baby, and continued shuffling about. Now that there was no one to see, Severus couldn't help the nervous smile that graced his face.
It was a small fragile thing, like the boy sleeping in front of him, bound in a blanket and a scar that looked like actual lightning had hit him. The spell leaving behind a scar as intricate as a snowflake which covered the whole left side of his forehead and went into his hairline. It was blazing red and raised like his mark had been. Severus took in everything about the boy, memorizing the angles of his face and stroking his fingertips across the edge of the scar. The thought that he just might be able to do this, only stayed for a second before disappearing, and ignoring the small spark of hope within himself he opened Lily's letter.
Dear Severus,
I hope you'll never find yourself reading this letter, but as I write this I feel more like it might be the best option. The only option. If you are reading this, James and I are dead or are no longer able to take care of Harry. And so are Sirius, Remus, and Peter. I hope you come to understand why you are the best option in this situation. And I hope you will come to care for Harry as your own.
There are so many things left unsaid between us, so much pain and misery. Too much to ever try to fix within a letter. I find myself looking back to the good years of our childhood, of lying beneath large oak trees, surrounded by roses as we read about things we could never even dream about. One of the things that I regret most in my life is that we never sat down and talked about our differences, that my childish pride could not see past your anger, to see the true pain you were in. And as we went longer without dealing with those harsh words we said, the more our resentment grew. I can see that now, looking back.
And now my other biggest regret is needing to write this letter in the first place, that I will never see my son grown, never see his first spell, or broom ride, or him being married with a family of his own. I only wish for someone to be there to see those moments and to cherish them.
I know, that after all these years I am asking too much of you. That this isn't fair of me. But please, love him, and care for him, and teach him about things I am no longer able to. Severus, I know you can be a great father, please just give yourself the chance.
Yours Always,
Lily Evans Potter